"Here's some good news. Barack Obama announced he's bringing home troops from Iraq. That's right. Unfortunately, he couldn't get them direct flights home. They have a two-year layover in Afghanistan." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama sent a secret letter to Russia's president last month. In it, he promised that the U.S. would back off deploying a missile defense system if Moscow would stop Iran from developing nuclear weapons. The Russian president immediately fired back a response, saying, 'I don't understand English.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Nice to see you all here. You're so lucky you live in California, because there was a huge snowstorm in Washington, D.C. In fact, they are calling it the city's biggest snow job since that stimulus package." -Jay Leno

"Talk about the age we live in. I saw this today. They unveiled a totally new method of snow removal. Did you hear about this? What they do, is they put A.I.G. in charge of it and the snow just disappears." -Jay Leno

"Actually, there were some optimistic words today from the Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, who told Congress the recession might end this year. Unfortunately, Bernanke also said the Detroit Lions could win the super Bowl and Paris Hilton could get an Oscar." -Jay Leno

"I don't want to say Jindal seemed awkward and off message, but his Secret Service code name is now Joe Biden." -Jay Leno

"And Mayor Richard Daley said that by the year 2016, there will be a surveillance camera on every street corner in Chicago. Yeah. You know, how about putting a camera on every politician in Chicago?" -Jay Leno

"Blagojevich plans to write a book exposing the dark and corrupt side of politics. So, apparently, it's an autobiography." -Jay Leno

"Hey, some good news. The Obamas are getting a dog. Yes. The Obamas say they're going to go with a Portuguese water dog. Doesn't that sound like some kind of lame drink a guy would order to impress a woman? 'Bartender, for the lady, white wine, and for me, a Portuguese water dog.'" -Jay Leno