But what of Joey Buttafuoco?

"I am so excited to make my feature dance debut at Scores Baltimore on January 23rd. It will cap off a huge month for me as on January 12 at 11 pm ET on the InDemand Network I make my world television premier with AMY FISHER: TOTALLY NUDE & EXPOSED that can also be seen as a pay-per-view on cable networks."

"Will Smith's son Jaden is the cute and cuddly juvenile character you'll remember from the original Day the Earth Stood Still directed by the great Robert Wise. What? You don't remember the cute and cuddly juvenile character in that version of the story? Well that has to be because the makers of this version improved on it, don't you think? "Having a cute and cuddly sidekick worked for Bambi," said director Hacky McHack. "So it can certainly work for Keaunu Reeves who has in common with a 2D cartoon character the same emotional depth."

These are mostly same ones that made the rounds some months ago, but I think there are a couple of different ones in there.

"The following excerpt was broadcast on Hamas' Al-Aqsa TV on January 7, 2009 at 3:00 am. Presumably, the Hamas technician on duty got bored with the live image of Gaza at night, and decided to view other satellite channels, focusing on the Polish erotic channel Patio TV. What he did not realize was that the images were being aired live on Al-Aqsa TV. This went on for about six minutes; the image of Gaza at night was then restored."

In a tersely worded apology, a tearful Brolin conceded that even though Crowe is one of the biggest assholes in the known universe, Penn is still competitive.

Why Hunter Thompson never visited Australia: "He also pleaded guilty to driving unlicensed, carrying two cannabis smoking pipes, administering the drug and carrying a loaded rifle."

Ah, the wisdom of the East!

I've been waiting for that announcement! This is always the annual biggie after the Time Man of the Year and the Oscars.

It's actually a pretty cool word. It means "old meat party," a slang term for a "hip" gathering of people too old to be hip.

This is a real news story in the sense that it was not fabricated by the Onion or someplace like that. Flynt and Francis really did say these things. I've always enjoyed Flynt's sense of humor. It's his real saving grace.

The amazing part? Broderick is having an affair ... with a woman. Parker is such a nightmare that she turned the guy straight!

(Just kidding. To my knowledge, SJP is the only asshole he has ever fucked.)

Just an addendum to the joke below, about Burris not meeting the dignified standards of the Senate. (You have to be impressed that somebody actually said that with a straight face, a challenge which would have daunted Buster Keaton.)

I was trying to think if these is anyone who REALLY does not meet that standard. Hard to come up with a name. Even Larry the Cable Guy, Curly the Stooge and Roberto Benigni have more dignity than those guys.

On the female side, maybe Paris Hilton, Britney, Lohan or Madonna? No, now that I think about it, they've probably lived more dignified lives than Larry Craig or Ted Kennedy.

"Hey, did you see this in the paper? In an interview with the Washington Times, Vice President Dick Cheney said he is not a big fan of rap music. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I was stunned by that. Actually, I'm surprised. I mean, look at the guy. He gets driven around in a limo, surrounded by bodyguards, shot a guy in the face -- he is a rap star." --Jay Leno

"I love this part. He was turned away because they said he didn't meet the high standards of the Senate. Gee. I wonder which senator turned him down. Do you think it was the one who embezzled the money? Maybe it was the one that got caught with the hooker? I know, I'll bet it was the one caught fornicating near the urinal in the airport bathroom." --Jay Leno

"Congress was sworn in this morning, and USA Today says that the average age of the members makes it the oldest Congress ever. Yeah, which explains why today, they passed three bills and four gallstones." --Conan O'Brien

"President-elect Barack Obama and his family made the move from Chicago to Washington, D.C., over the weekend, so their daughters, Malia and Sasha, could start school with the other kids coming back from break. They're enrolled in the Sidwell Friends School, which is a very exclusive private school. Chelsea Clinton went there, and to give you an idea of how exclusive it is, someone got ahold of the school lunch menu. Now this for real. One day menu's, local pumpkin and sage soup, salad du jour, Caesar salad, chopped salad, spaghetti and meatballs, roasted butternut squash [on screen: a copy of the menu]. Disgusting, really disgusting stuff. No one would feed to that kind of garbage to their children. And while that might seem like a bit much for a bunch of 6-, 7- and 8-year old kids, I was actually looking through their wine list this morning and it's very reasonably priced. What would you recommend with Funyons, a Chablis?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Who says he's stupid?"

He's elderly, but in excellent health except for the lingering effects of severe hat burns. (You won't "get it" if you haven't seen F-Troop, in which Forrest Tucker was always hitting Storch over the head with his hat.)

I agree with their point completely.

“Simon and I worked very hard to make sure the DVD would be packed with bonus material. The British distributors (Paramount) solicited our input and included all of the extras. Sadly, the American distributors (MGM/Fox) locked us out of the process and managed to leave off most of the bonus material. The deleted scenes (with optional commentary), audio commentaries, a gag reel, and video diaries are included on the Region 2 release, but are completely missing from the Region 1 (US) release of the DVD. Weide explains that once he discovered the bonus material was omitted from the U.S. DVD, he was told by the American distributors that they wanted to include the special features, but had trouble clearing it."

Just pretty goddamned awesome!

First place to Bride Wars, second to Clint Eastwood's Grand Torino, fifth to The Unborn. Nothing very impressive, as is typical for this time of year.

Dudes, chill out. The Spirit seems like Schindler's List compared to Disaster Movie. The Spirit received 15% positive reviews. That doesn't sound impressive on the surface, but it was nowhere near the minimum standard of badness for a true Razzie contender. That was merely in Cage/Affleck/Myers territory, which is nowhere near the nadir of badness. Even Paris Hilton's The Hottie and the Nottie barely made the cutoff for my list, by virtue of 5% positive reviews. Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans clocked in at 2%, and there were NO positive reviews at all for McConaughey's Surfer Dude, or Ed Burns in One Missed Call, or Witless Protection, which starred my personal role model, the sophisticate whom the Germans call Herr Laurents, Der Kabelier.

And he seems to have lost his underwear as well.

"President-elect Barack Obama said he got a little choked up as he left his house in Chicago and headed for Washington, D.C. It was especially painful because as soon as he left, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich sold Obama's house." --Conan O'Brien

"George Bush Sr. recently said he'd like his son Jeb to be president, but that right now is a bad time for him to run. When asked what a good time would be, Bush Sr. said, 'Eight years ago.'" --Conan O'Brien

"And for the next two weeks, President-elect Barack Obama will be living full-time at a hotel right across the street from the White House. This is historic because this is the first time a Democrat has checked into a Washington hotel room under his own name." --Jay Leno

"Hey, congratulations to Gov. Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol, who had her baby. They named the baby Tripp, which is better than the name Sarah Palin suggested. She wanted to call the kid Joe the baby." --Jay Leno

In her defense, I'd note that she cannot be held responsible because she had not read the book yet.

It's a classic case of Mudd's Robots Paradox, an established legal defense. If she had read the parenting book, she would have known not to shoplift it in front of her children. But if she had read the parenting book, she would have had no need to shoplift it.

Well, except as a gift.

Key phrase: "The picture is even made more perverse by sparkles on the lollipop which resemble semen."

Strangely enough I, a notorious pornographer and ne'er-do-well, saw no semen in that picture. The speaker, a clean-livin', Jesus-followin' activist, did. Even after she mentioned it, I'm not really buying in. Not sure what that means. Perhaps she is obsessed with semen? Perhaps she was speaking and meant "sea men," but the interviewer misunderstood? (I think I did see Popeye in that lollipop.) Or perhaps I need new glasses? You make the call.

The technology began and ended almost perfectly in synch with the 20th century. One of the machines used in the production process dates back even further than that. It was originally created in the 1880s for the production of shoes and was still in service as of last week!

Although the zenith of player piano popularity was in the early part of the past century, the automatic pianos have endured all these decades. Although roll production has ceased, the last piano roll company is still in the player piano business, and it will continue to produce automatic music for those instruments, but the relatively small remaining autoplay market now consists entirely of computer technology applied through digital discs.

That guy is an inspiration to flabby douchebags everywhere! He's a douchebag deity! I'm taking down my posters of Jesus and Churchill and putting that guy up there.

Who knows, but stay tuned. I can't see a future for her that includes a dignified and guarded private life. Juliette Binoche she ain't.

I didn't know this: Two and a Half men is the top rated recurring entertainment program on TV. The only programs with higher ratings during Christmas week were Sunday Football and 60 Minutes.

CBS now has 9 of the top ten programs, blocked from a clean sweep only by Sunday Night Football!

This one is preposterous, more like a shake-down than a lawsuit.

"Hi Y'all. Brit Brit here, just wanted to update all on the size of my vagina. It's about 4 feet wide with razor sharp teeth"

I have new respect for Kevin Federline.

The five choices match almost perfectly with the five "objective" choices - ones with the best critical and IMDb reception, excluding Wall-E and the Swedish Vampire Film.

The only difference between the objective choices and the PGA choices was their substitution of the expensive and syrupy Benjamin Button for The Wrestler, which has an edgy, hand-held, low-budget, indie kind of vibe. (The Wrestler is not really a producer's kind of film, in other words.)

"A graveyard of vessels frozen into blocks of ice near Kamchatka, Russia."

"Charles Street Jail, built in 1851, became the Liberty Hotel, a 300-room luxury property"

Let me get this straight. They have more than a billion people, and a centrally controlled society in which the government can basically recruit people to do its bidding and/or to study whatever they are told to study, including the English language. Despite that, not one person in the entire country can speak colloquial English, and/or the government can't find a fluent speaker to oversee multi-lingual signs. That about sum it up?

Think about this: somebody is getting paid to do that translation work. I need to offer my services to China as a translator. I have no idea what those Chinese characters mean, yet I could come up with as good a translation just by choosing English words at random, and they obviously would never spot the problem. "Yup, that says 'Artificial zygotes.' Done. Praise Mao. Paycheck, please."

I say they fire some of the street-name censors and send them to rumpology school here in the States. I hear FU has a fine program. I believe Dean Kardashian has assembled the finest rumpologists in the world, possibly excepting Finland, where there is a rumpologist assigned to every sauna, as a matter of both tradition and law.

Talk about downsizing. England once ruled half the world, and the queen alone employed scores of rumpologists. Not to mention 50 pantomime horses. And now ...? 'Tis a thing most passing sad.

"Angelina Jolie better hope her man doesn't see these, because not even he could help but daydream after seeing the way Amy Winehouse was rubbing her sexy titties on the beach in St Lucia this weekend. And who can blame her? If you had a sexy body like that you’d be all up on it too. And does anyone else see a rainbow behind her in the water in that banner picture, or is that rainbow just in my heart? I think I just fell in love."

"Let's see, smoking, drinking and fingering her crotch while she walks around tits out during a day at the beach with her kids? That settles it, Kate Moss is like a real-life Mary Poppins."

Those are the words of a hot Playboy model describing a well-known male movie star. See if you can guess the identity of the tireless, perma-rigid love god before you click on the link.

Small hint: it can't be Tom Cruise.

Big hint: because Cruise is too tall.

"The risk of going deaf is so great that doctors are advising golfers to wear earplugs while they play their tee shots."

"But Andrew Coltart, a professional golfer, pointed out: 'If you are wearing earplugs you might not hear shouts of 'fore,' be hit by a ball on the head and get brain damage.'"

I can't believe Andrew could be a golf pro. He must be a professional logician.

"Setting it alight"? Those Aussie cops really know how to write an arrest report!

Here are all the missing posts from the past three or four days

And don't forget the top nude scenes of 2008.

This is an objective look at what these award-season lists would look like if based on reviews and IMDb scores.

In the Best Film category, several of the alleged contenders are eliminated by the cold, hard numbers. That would include Revolutionary Road, Grand Torino, The Reader, and Benjamin Button, for example. Four films end up in a virtual tie for the top spot: WALL-E, The Dark Knight, Slumdog Millionaire and The Wrestler. The fifth-place film is a Swedish film named Let The Right One In, which is not as well known as the others, but was received nearly as enthusiastically by critics and film buffs. Holding up the sixth and seventh spots are Frost/Nixon and Milk, both of which are expecting multiple Oscar nominations. Milk is pretty much of a shoo-in for a Best Picture nomination, Frost/Nixon is about 50/50 at this point.

The experts are not expecting WALL-E to get a Best Picture nomination, nor Let The Right One In. They will probably be shunted off to the animation and foreign ghettos, respectively. That could theoretically leave the five Oscar nomination slots to be neatly filled by the five others on this list. That may actually happen. Milk, Slumdog Millionaire, and the Dark Knight should be safely in. The other possibilities are still being mulled over by the powers that be.

2008 produced an amazing achievement by the champions in the Worst Picture competition. Two films finished tied for first, or last, or whatever we should call it. What is so amazing about that? Both films, Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans, were made by the same guys! Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seitzer are the culprits. They also came close to a victory last year, when their Epic Movie finished second to Daddy Day Camp. They are the new kings of bad, and their double victory was no minor achievement tainted by weak competition like those WW2 batting crowns in baseball. These guys had to compete against the worst efforts of the very lowest bottom-feeders that our world has to offer: former two-time worst movie winner Uwe Boll, and the much-reviled Paris Hilton. They also had to fend off an impressive effort from my own main man, the distinguished Lord Lawrence, the Cable Installation Gentleman.

Since the two Seitzer-Friedman films and the Paris Hilton offering finished in a virtual dead heat, and I just so happen to have seen all three, I will cast the deciding vote for Disaster Movie. The Hottie and the Nottie was just the usual youthploitation junk, like about 50 movies you've probably watched again and again on cable. It stood out only because of the dread Paree. If it had starred Cameron Diaz or Ana Faris, the same script and direction would have been kinda watchable on a day when you were too tired to look for the remote. Meet the Spartans was no masterpiece. It only had about three jokes that it kept restating again and again in different words and pictures. (Yeah, yeah, the Spartans and Persians both looked really gay. We get it.) But that movie did at least make me smile once in a while. On the other hand, Disaster Movie was another level below that. It is sheer misery to sit through that film. Not only is the experience laugh-free, but the film made me cringe every time it tried for a laugh, and had me cursing aloud at the screen even though I was alone in the room. If Dante had lived in our time and had written Inferno in 2008 after seeing that movie, he surely would have written Friedman and Seitzer into the lowest ring of hell, along with Judas, Stalin and Hitler. And maybe our good friend Count Lorenzo, the Cable Engineer.

Sidebar: Nic Cage has now easily usurped Affleck as the king of A-list bad movies by adding Bangkok Dangerous to an impressive resume which already included The Wicker Man.

By the way, here are all the previous years' worst picture lists, and all kinds of other lists, many of them filled with naughty stuff, including all ten years of the "best nude scene" polls.

Business as usual. This is the official week when a studio boss is allowed to milk a cash cow instead of acquiring a new calf.

"Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson have been waging a very public war over the past few evenings. Tuesday night, according to Page Six, the couple engaged in a very nasty display while partying at Set in Miami with family in tow. Then on New Year’s Eve, it got even worse. The two were supposed to be hosting a party at Mansion. Words were exchanged and before you can say cat flight, the two were out in the alley amid the trashcans and street people, having a fist fight. The fight didn’t end there. They continued to go at it when they got back to their hotel room, apparently spilling out into the hallway where other hotel guests stood in stunned amazement. Hotel security finally intervened, breaking up the fight and photographing their trashed room."

It's just the same movies as last week, with each of them performing approximately as expected.

"Public" speaking without the gratuitous "l."

Oops, I'm a little late with this post. Sorry if you died.

Wait. Maybe he IS a homeless man. At any rate, Joaquin Phoenix is a Hairclip Hunk

As the young people say today, that dude has some issues.

Big Chicken Mushroom?

My only fear about visiting China: will I be able to distinguish between the menu and the phone book?

"A smaller writer would surely have exhausted the patience of his fans long ago. Salinger has not published anything since 1965. That was Hapworth 16, 1924, which took up most of an issue of The New Yorker. That said, a plan has been in the offing for more than 10 years to have it republished as a book. It will finally be released this month. Or that, at least, is what it says on the Amazon.com website."

Frankly, Salinger exhausted my patience with the crap he DID publish after "Nine Stories." As far as I can see, his entire reputation rests on Catcher in the Rye (1951) and a collection of short stories (published together in book form in 1953). His later novellas, if published under a different name, would not have earned a great literary reputation. They might not even have earned an A in an undergraduate course in creative writing. I'm not surprised that he stopped writing. He probably just realized that he didn't have anything worthwhile to offer. I'd have done the same in his shoes.

As for "Catcher" itself, I wonder if it still resonates with kids today, or if it seems like a quaint work that they read only because it appears on their required reading list, similar to the way my generation viewed Arrowsmith when we were in prep school.

Experts claim this will help us get back on the path to saving. I don't know. It didn't help me. I only saved $31 last year, and I blew it all buying a chrome piggy bank.

YouTube. Words and video from iowahawk. His original article has been widely plagiarized, but he struck back by taking a DJ's unattributed (but very competent) recitation and adding a video.

Same old guys. There are no new releases this week.

Words and video from iowahawk.

Experts claim this will help us get back on the path to saving. I don't know. It didn't help me. I only saved $31 last year, and I blew it all buying a chrome piggy bank.

Unless, of course, they are eating cum for breakfast.

Or Fruity Pebbles ... but that's a story for a different day.

A big update for the new year.

"A smaller writer would surely have exhausted the patience of his fans long ago. Salinger has not published anything since 1965. That was Hapworth 16, 1924, which took up most of an issue of The New Yorker. That said, a plan has been in the offing for more than 10 years to have it republished as a book. It will finally be released this month. Or that, at least, is what it says on the Amazon.com website."

Frankly, Salinger exhausted my patience with the crap he DID publish after "Nine Stories." Talk about overrated. As far as I can see, his entire reputation rests on Catcher in the Rye (1951) and a collection of short stories (published together in book form in 1953). His later novellas bite the big one. I'm not surprised that he stopped writing. I would have done the same in his situation.

As for "Catcher" itself, I wonder if it still resonates with kids today, or if it seems like a quaint work that they read only because it appears on their required reading list, like Ethan Frome, or The Moonstone, or Arrowsmith.