The only significant surprise was the weak performance of Pink Panther 2. It barely beat Paul Blart, which is in its fourth weekend, for the #5 spot. Panther was expected to make a possible run at winning the weekend, but ended up with only a third of the gross of the Aniston rom-com.

Oh, sure, every guy promises that ...

This guy must have responded to every internet ad since time immemorial. Whatever that means.

"This week in Washington, President Obama took time out from his busy day to read a book to a group of second graders. Did you see that on the news? It was a fairy tale about a cabinet nominee who once paid all his taxes." --Jay Leno

"Hey, listen to this -- according to 'The Wall Street Journal,' the city of Las Vegas wants to use $2 million worth of the economic stimulus package for neon signs. I just hope it doesn't make the city look tacky." --Jay Leno

"Blagojevich looks like the guy who runs out of bullets and then throws his gun at Superman." --David Letterman

"It's bad here in California. The unemployment here is the worst it's been in 25 years. Here's how bad the unemployment situation is in Hollywood. Right now, people are begging to work with Christian Bale." --Craig Ferguson

Good illusion.

Presented in the form of a debate in which those who feel she is not hot argue against those with visual impairment and/or a vagina.

(SJP love is the Three Stooges in reverse, which is to say that it is not possible to love both. Guys don't think SJP is attractive. Women don't think the stooges are funny. It's a Mars/Venus thing. If you find a straight woman who loves the stooges and hates SJP - hang on to her.)

(Including 3D breasts)

Let's just say if he is dead, he looks almost lifelike.

(The Reuters obit for Dewey Martin was accompanied by picture of Steve Martin.)

If you're a baby boomer, you know his face. He appeared in just about every important TV show in the 60s. He frequently played soldiers, cops, but rugged presidents were his specialty! He played Grant, Teddy Roosevelt and Harry Truman, not to mention the President of the Assembly in Planet of the Apes. He was nominated for the Best Actor Oscar for his Truman. More than 150 credits at IMDb.

"Sources said the service lasted approximately 20 minutes from start to finish, and was the most exciting bedchamber christening since Frank Sinatra filled in for Ronald Reagan."

Who could have dreamed? Thank god for these crack teams of scientific investigators.

"A Cape Coral man, who was arrested after allegedly engaging in sexual acts with two blow up dolls in a shopping center parking lot, told police he was there to buy clothes for his dolls"

(Click on "mystery celebrity singer" in the yellow box.)

Key quote: "My personal effects had been carefully stowed in boxes, but there was no sign of my 35kg bag of lizard shit."

For the metric-challenged, that means he had nearly 80 pounds of lizard crap, and per the article it was sitting in his desk space in England while he spent two years in the Philippines. Gee, I wonder why they threw it out.

“We are looking for people over 20 for part-time jobs in sales and management with the following star signs: Capricorn, Taurus, Aquarius, Aries and Leo,” read the advertisement.

"Equality groups criticised the Salzburg insurance company for discriminating against those born under other zodiacal signs, but a spokesman for the company defended the advertisement, saying that statistics showed that people born under these star signs were the best workers. 'A statistical study indicated that almost all of our best employees across Austria have one of the five star signs. We only decided to continue with that system and hire the best workers,' the spokesman said."

"Austrian authorities said it was not illegal to seek employees born under certain star signs, as this did not involve discrimination based on gender, age or race."

Rare for France is the shaved frontal from Ornella Boule. There are two other frontal nude scenes from 2008. Those scenes may be disappearing in the states, but ... Vive la France. The Franch are wise in ways we cannot imagine. Wise in the ways of nudity and philosophy and trains, and of course, cheese.

Beautiful snow carvings. Absolutely dazzling. Best of all - like any good Japanese festival, it has plenty of objects which look like giant pink penises, in anticipation of spring's annual Kanamara Matsuri, which can be translated "slugging outfielder" or "giant pink penis festival" - kind of the Japanese equivalent of spring break.

Mr. Me's ex says she will give ol' Hef pleasure as his new girlfriend and cover girl.

The four new films are expected to take 4 of the 5 top spots, headed by the Aniston rom-com, with Pink Panther 2 running a pretty close second.

• Pink Panther 2: 3200 theaters; 6% positive reviews. Steve Martin just had to do this because he still had a little self-respect left after doing the first one, and this should purify him completely. The critics are calling it FAR worse than the original, and that's saying something, because the original was an embarrassment. Here is a review of the first one: "To say that Steve Martin has miscalculated here is a kind way of saying this is the most boring and shallow comedy since You and Your Stupid Mate." But the first one, dismal though it was, got 24% good reviews, and the sequel is running 6%. You have been warned.
  
• He's Just Not That Into You; 3100 theaters, 36% positive reviews. Affleck, Aniston. 'Nuff said.
  
• Push: 2300 theaters; 28% positive reviews. "Action-thriller, Push burrows deep into the deadly world of psychic espionage." The general consensus is that it has some interesting, trippy visuals, but a weak script. One reviewer said: "Imagine if the X-Men had spent most of their time sitting around talking about how they were going to fight Magneto instead of ever actually doing it."
  
• Coraline: 2300 theaters; 88% positive reviews. This is the pick of this week's litter. State-of-the-art HD stop-motion 3D animation. It has received great reviews not only for its technology, but for its entertaining story as well. Rated PG. Take your kids. By the way, Dakota Fanning is in both Push and Coraline!
  
• Fanboys: 44 theaters; 27% positive reviews. This film about Star Wars nerds was supposed to be released about two years ago, but has been continually postponed, re-shot, re-edited, whatever, and has now been given a perfunctory release in a few scattered theaters. The Village Voice said, "You're better off watching The Star Wars Holiday Special on YouTube. At least Bea Arthur sings."
  

"Barack Obama is a genius. When he nominates someone, the first thing they do is pay their taxes? He's found a way to pay off the deficit. Nominate every single person in the country one at a time." --Jay Leno

"And you know that woman here in California who just had the eight kids and has six more at home?' Well, today, Tom Daschle proposed to her. He's not in love, he just needs the deductions." --Jay Leno

"And the US Postal Service says they may cut postal service from six days to five days a week. They say they're losing money because people aren't using the postal service as much as they used to. If you'd like to complain, you can e-mail the complaint to uspostalservice.com." --Jay Leno

"It was fun to have Rod Blagojevich on the program, because for one night, I was not the creepiest guy on the show." --David Letterman

"Former Senator Tom Daschle from South Dakota had to withdraw because he forgot to pay taxes. You know, I believe the guy because in South Dakota, there are so many distractions." --David Letterman

"Now that Tom Daschle has withdrawn his nomination, the White House is thinking of replacing him with the CEO of Safeway supermarkets. That's true. Yeah, the White House said they should be able to check him out quickly if he has eight items or less." --Conan O'Brien

"Blagojevich looks like a guy at K-Mart who says, 'The best we can do is store credit.'" --David Letterman

"The New York Post is reporting that Bernard Madoff's family is so upset with his actions in this Ponzi scheme, they're thinking of changing the family name to something less offensive, like bin Laden." --Jay Leno

"Al Gore told Congress last week the global warming scenario is worse than previously predicted. Worse than predicted? Wasn't the first prediction we're all going to fry to death? What's worse than that? Is it going to be humid, too?" --Jay Leno

"President Obama, before Sunday's Super Bowl, did an interview with Matt Lauer, during which he predicted the Steelers would win a squeaker, and sure enough, they did. So it's a shame he didn't bet the deficit on the game." --Jimmy Kimmel

"One brother is the President of the United States, the other is a stoner in Kenya. If that isn't a sitcom, I don't know what is." --Jimmy Kimmel

Hey, you never know when it might come in handy. By the way, the mosquitos are in the mail (see third paragraph from the end).

MUCH more interesting than it sounds. Although it would pretty much have to be, wouldn't it?

Interesting story.

And he's right. Most people think he's a scumbag, but he's actually a SLEAZEbag. Significant difference. I guess people just don't know their bags.

Yet another thing he and I have in common. It's uncanny. The parallels between us make those Lincoln/Kennedy coincidences seem minor.

Oh, wait.

"Christian has never missed a single tax payment and after watching several of his films, I feel confident that he has the cool, calm demeanor that I value."

A pirated version of a new pitch for Bud Light. Hard to believe it's a real, official commercial, but it seems to be.

This is based on a part of the Nielsen ratings which is rarely consulted: the total number of people who watched six minutes or more, which added up to an astronomical 151 million.

"! Feisty heroine Elizabeth Bennet is determined to wipe out the zombie menace, but she's soon distracted by the arrival of the haughty and arrogant Mr. Darcy. What ensues is a delightful comedy of manners with plenty of civilized sparring between the two young lovers—and even more violent sparring on the blood-soaked battlefield as Elizabeth wages war against hordes of flesh-eating undead. Complete with 20 illustrations in the style of C. E. Brock (the original illustrator of Pride and Prejudice), this insanely funny expanded edition will introduce Jane Austen's classic novel to new legions of fans."

"Simon Cowell drives a million dollar Bugatti Veyron." Carrot Top: AMC Pacer.

The one in the middle looks like Fred Armisen!

"Very exciting Super Bowl on Sunday, and they said every seat at Raymond James Stadium was a good seat. Unless, of course, you were sitting behind Aretha Franklin." --Jay Leno

"There was a huge scientific breakthrough today. Researchers say they are very close to finding someone from Obama's Cabinet who's actually paid their taxes." --Jay Leno

"You've got to love a guy like John McCain, but stuff is not going his way. He had a huge Super Bowl party, but people started clapping. And every time they did, the lights would go on and off." --David Letterman

"In an interview with Al-Arabiya, an Arab-language news channel, President Obama said that he wanted to persuade Muslims that the Americans were not your enemy. In an early sign of improvement, the crowd of protestors outside began chanting, 'Injury to America.'" --Seth Meyers

"The latest incident sparked heated debate on Russian radio talk shows, with many callers saying they did not believe a pilot needed to be sober to fly a commercial aircraft."

You have to admire that Russian "can do" attitude.

Which, I believe was one of the Beatles' best songs. All you need is poop. Poop is all you need.

"Another wrinkle in the plan is how the taxes would actually be collected, with President Obama reportedly favoring a cash-at-the-door entry fee for every Cabinet meeting."

You have to see the picture that goes with this article.

"Octopus cost Allen over US$200 million and has Permanent crew of 60, including several former Navy Seals. It has two helicopters, seven boats, a 10 man submarine and a remote controlled vehicle for crawling on the Ocean floor. The submarine has the capacity to sleep eight for up to two weeks underwater."

Urban street art brought to a remote seaside castle. (Temporarily)

"The point is, don't give a rat's ass what the Academy picks and you'll be happier. You have every reason to not even make the effort to agree or disagree with them. They are fucking idiots who are only important because you let them tell you they are. Like David Blaine on a bigger scale."

He infiltrates a snooty party where virgins are auctioned off to the highest bidders in a scene that I'm sure is meant to feel creepy but actually feels more like a laughable outtake from Eyes Wide Shut.

The moviemakers' glee in Taken is not in the plot, not in the acting, not in having anything at all to say. They don't give a seastar's tit about any of that. Their pride is showing how many people can die and how much action there is. That's really fucking sad since the action is often, vague, poorly lit to mask how old and frail Neeson is, and mostly not nearly as clever as Morel, Besson and Karmen think it is. It's pure fucking garbage: too lame to be mindless action, and too mindless to have anything to say. It's a fucking embarrassment. One Finger.

The whole episode was very distressing to the people who had just buried their beloved Mr Itch.

And if you think they were upset - Richard Gere had a heart attack just reading about it.

Proof positive: "Actress Meg Ryan, 47, who has a strong chin, famously cheated on her husband Dennis Quaid with her co-star Russell Crowe. However, the actress Joanne Woodward, who has a dainty jawline, was happily married for 50 years to Hollywood icon Paul Newman until his death in September."

There you have it. Case closed.

Happy birthday to Brent Spiner, who is exactly one day older than I am. (I turn 60 tomorrow.) Unfortunately, this is a mirror I don't want to look at. He's all gray and his hairline has just about receded into Canada. Here's a better picture.

I guess I should be happy about how I look, but when I look at Data all I can think about is the fact that it has to start catching up with me! Here's my YMCA photo taken around Halloween time.

"This first section of The Early Report features the most detailed listings on the Internet of all films scheduled to be released in the upcoming four weeks, including actual and estimated screen counts, running times and ratings. This week's report covers 35 known new movies opening in theatres between Wednesday 2/4/09 and Friday 2/27/09, plus dozens more titles expanding their runs during this timeframe."

The overall total for the top 10 was about five million higher than anticipated, which can be explained entirely by the performance of Taken, which was seven million above its own projections.

The Uninvited was right on the mark, and New in Town finished in between the widely polarized projections. It would have to be considered a bomb, but not as big a bomb as KJ expected.

This is not from some blog written by a 9th grader, but from the Chicago Tribune.