From the iowahawk site:

U.S. Energy Secretary Stephen Chu announced his resignation this morning amid new reports that Alameda County workers had unearthed more than a dozen additional dead hobo bodies at his former home in Berkeley, California. The Nobel Prize-winning physicist had been the subject of a week-long controversy after he amended his White House application form to declare "3 or 4" hobo corpses in his crawl space, but after this morning's discovery, Chu said he felt he could no longer serve as an effective spokesman for Administration energy policy.

"Getting America on the road to energy independence requires a secretary who is focused full time on developing comprehensive strategies for alternative fuels, rather than a political distraction over a handful of decomposing drifters," said Chu. "I'm afraid I am no longer that person."

Chu said he would return to Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory, where he will resume his scientific work investigating particle dynamics and local homeless shelters. President Obama said he would accept the resignation with regret, and expressed hope that a new Secretary could be named within the week.

"It was an honest mistake on Dr. Chu's part," said the President. "The section of the screening questionnaire about dead hobos has been confusing for a lot of nominees. In his defense it only specifies 'basement/crawl space/storage shed,' so I can somewhat understand why he didn't mention the ones discovered by the backhoe yesterday. That said, it's important that we move forward with revitalized American energy leadership. I'd like to thank Dr. Chu for his service and delicious home-made beef jerky, and wish him well in his future endeavors."

Sources inside the administration say the President is favoring University of Texas petroleum geologist / registered sex offender G. Harland Tellis as Chu's replacement. Tellis is expected to face stiff opposition from netroots blog sites like the Huffington Post, who have thrown their support behind British pop singer Gary Glitter.

"And what a fabulous opportunity for Hollywood, who has nobly led the charge against GITMO from dais after dais, to correct a horrible injustice. They knew, before so many of us, that the souls incarcerated at Guantanamo Bay were not bloodthirsty terrorists bent on U.S. destruction, but simple, hard-working folk who just happened to be in the wrong cave at the wrong time. By bringing them into their homes and integrating them with their other adoptive children, they can begin to break down the simple-minded stereotypes that plague the rest of us."

"According to a new study, people are sleeping less because they're worried about the economy. I think also it might have something to do with the fact they're sleeping under bridges." -- Craig Ferguson

"But do you know anything about the Dow Jones, ladies and gentlemen? The Dow Jones average went down to 6,000. Do you know what that means? Neither do I, but it's the first time in 12 years that the Dow has been the same as Rush Limbaugh's cholesterol." -- David Letterman

"Hey, quite, quite a scare in Washington, DC, today. You may have heard about this. Police were called to the White House. Apparently, President Obama was in a meeting with some potential cabinet nominees. Someone noticed a suspicious looking document on the table no one had ever seen before. Turns out it was just a tax form." -- Jay Leno

"And Bernard Madoff, the man who operated the Ponzi scream that screwed $50 billion out of people is now saying he should be allowed to keep $62 million and his $7 million penthouse. Yeah. His lawyers are arguing he needs that money to live out the rest of his life. You know, I've got a solution for that. The death penalty." -- Jay Leno

"You know what famous pet passed way? Socks the cat, who was 9 years old so I guess it was time. But right up until the end, Bill Clinton was still blaming the cat for the fresh scratch marks on his back." -- Jay Leno

Watchman opens big with $25 million.

"Pamela Anderson walked down the runway at Paris Fashion Week with a ghost from the Titanic earlier today, when, um, this happened. Honestly ... what in the hell is going on here? Her nipple looks like a comet, racing across her breast."

Oh, those experts! They just know so much that remains hidden to the rest of us. Here I have been hiring psychopaths all along. Boy, is my face red!

In fact, it's LITERALLY red, from having the psychopaths put out their cigarettes on it. If only I could have consulted those experts before making my hiring decisions. How could I, a layman, have guessed that well-adjusted people would be better for office productivity and morale?

It's kind of surprising that Skeletor Spice didn't marry The Mickster instead of Becks.

"I’m sure everyone reading this has already been over to the wrestling websites today, but for the one or two that haven’t, Entertainment Weekly is reporting that 'Survivor: Amazon' winner Jenna Morasca, who posed for Playboy in 2003 with fellow contestant Heidi Strobel (Jenna is the brunette, Heidi is the blond) has joined TNA Wrestling and will make her debut March 12th on Spike TV. Critics are questioning if she even knows anything about wrestling, and also asking if this was the lamest excuse I've ever cobbled together in order to post pictures of tits."

"Here's Rosario Dawson in the new issue of Complex magazine posing for some rather raunchy shots. I'm not sure which one I like the best. The leather corset and S&M gear, or the Asian massage parlour girl, or the naughty student. They're all great. And they'll all get the job done nicely."

"The Republican Party said it would donate Sarah Palin's $150,000 wardrobe to a needy cause. That's nice, that's nice. They looked around. It turns out the neediest cause is the Republican Party." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama has installed his long-time friend Julius Genachowski as chairmen of the FCC I speak for all of the Americans here when I say, we're f**king thrilled to have you, buddy." --Jimmy Fallon

"French President Nicolas Sarkozy received another death threat yesterday, when he opened a letter that was filled with bullets. It's almost as scary as last year, when he barely escaped after being faxed a picture of a knife." --Jimmy Fallon

"Microsoft is promoting its new search engine, called Kumo, to compete with Google. Bill Gates promised that it will make Microsoft the No. 1 place on the web for things that have already been invented." --Jimmy Fallon

"The Dow Jones numbers are so low today they were made an honorary NBC affiliate." --Jay Leno

"I'll tell you how bad the economy is. Listen, I was in Beverly Hills, and I saw a guy driving an American car." --Jay Leno

and #124

It demonstrates how beautiful Natalie Portman is. Many of the other beauties lose their appeal when bald, but Portman still looks gorgeous.

Normally I wouldn't have anything to say about a Tuesday box office, but this one contains something unusual. Slumdog Millionaire hit #1 - in its 112th day of distribution!

This guy is awesome!

(She has a sex scene in Watchmen, which opens at midnight tonight)

Given the name of our site, we really should sponsor the Fecal Fest. I wonder if they would do a re-naming deal like "Minute Maid Stadium" (once "Enron Stadium"!). I like the sound of The Other Crapfest.

The entire hilarious unreleased Fantastic Four movie is available on YouTube. If you want to get started, here's the first ten minutes:

Mark Twain and Generalissimo Franco still dead.

Also of note: Robert DeNiro in Raging Bull and The Last Tycoon. Bale had a 79 pound difference between the Machinist and Batman Begins. DeNiro had to have a similar variance from his high to his low. He wasn't as skeletal as Bale on the low end, but he was much puffier on the high end.

Strange concept. Probably useful for some kind of perversion.

This is a shocking cultural affront! Everyone knows pepper spray is too spicy and can be fatal to s Canadian's bland metabolism. Please, I beg of you, those of you who must spray Canadians with a condiment, use nothing spicier than mayonaise.

Read on to see why ...

"By expanding the type of loans that it will buy, Fannie Mae is hoping to spur banks to make more loans to people with less-than-stellar credit ratings."

"Fannie Mae, the nation's biggest underwriter of home mortgages, has been under increasing pressure from the Clinton Administration to expand mortgage loans among low and moderate income people."

"In moving, even tentatively, into this new area of lending, Fannie Mae is taking on significantly more risk, which may not pose any difficulties during flush economic times. But the government-subsidized corporation may run into trouble in an economic downturn, prompting a government rescue similar to that of the savings and loan industry in the 1980's."

Mind you, these are not quotes from Rush Limbaugh in 2009. This is the frickin' New York Times, bastion of liberal ideology, in 1999. And they were, as you can see, 100% correct. This article turned out to be sheer genius.

"Here's some good news. Barack Obama announced he's bringing home troops from Iraq. That's right. Unfortunately, he couldn't get them direct flights home. They have a two-year layover in Afghanistan." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama sent a secret letter to Russia's president last month. In it, he promised that the U.S. would back off deploying a missile defense system if Moscow would stop Iran from developing nuclear weapons. The Russian president immediately fired back a response, saying, 'I don't understand English.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Nice to see you all here. You're so lucky you live in California, because there was a huge snowstorm in Washington, D.C. In fact, they are calling it the city's biggest snow job since that stimulus package." -Jay Leno

"Talk about the age we live in. I saw this today. They unveiled a totally new method of snow removal. Did you hear about this? What they do, is they put A.I.G. in charge of it and the snow just disappears." -Jay Leno

"Actually, there were some optimistic words today from the Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, who told Congress the recession might end this year. Unfortunately, Bernanke also said the Detroit Lions could win the super Bowl and Paris Hilton could get an Oscar." -Jay Leno

"I don't want to say Jindal seemed awkward and off message, but his Secret Service code name is now Joe Biden." -Jay Leno

"And Mayor Richard Daley said that by the year 2016, there will be a surveillance camera on every street corner in Chicago. Yeah. You know, how about putting a camera on every politician in Chicago?" -Jay Leno

"Blagojevich plans to write a book exposing the dark and corrupt side of politics. So, apparently, it's an autobiography." -Jay Leno

"Hey, some good news. The Obamas are getting a dog. Yes. The Obamas say they're going to go with a Portuguese water dog. Doesn't that sound like some kind of lame drink a guy would order to impress a woman? 'Bartender, for the lady, white wine, and for me, a Portuguese water dog.'" -Jay Leno

Geez, I guess Tom Hanks was already booked!

The good news about this movie is that Alice Braga is in it, and from the sound of it she'll spend the entire film naked and kinky. We can hope.

Fortunately, many people are still gullible enough to think he's an expert and buy his book!

And the last day of Frozen Dead Guy Days will mean there is exactly one week until Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day.

This is shocking! Cher is on TV?

In what is being hailed as a major step toward making presidential contests more fair and equal, the Sudanese legislature approved sweeping campaign-finance reform Monday, passing a bill limiting all candidates to 500,000 rounds of 7.62mm ammunition.

What's to analyze? This week marks the debut of the years's first (presumed) blockbuster, Watchmen, which is expected to take in more than all other films added together. Warrior's best guess is $73 million on 3650 screens.

Reviews are currently running about 3/4 positive among critics, but only 14% from the top dogs (one out of seven, and the one positive review is not very positive at all)! I've never seen a disparity that great between the elite critics and the working stiffs.

No other studio is mounting competition or counter-programming against Watchmen. Something called The Horsemen, a horror movie fronted by Dennis Quaid, will be in 75 theaters. The Horsemen is thus far unreviewed.

That's it for the new material. In the world of carry-overs, Slumdog is expected to rise one more spot, to #2, after some 17 weeks in theaters. As Mel Allen would haver said, "How about that?"

NASCAR Romance Novels

"First things first; none of the real NASCAR celebrities are actually in these books. I suppose even the enterprising young book publishers who decided to corner the 'lonely white trash housewife (who can read)' audience deemed that concept too creepy. Which explains why they refused to publish my saucy tale of a Wal-Mart employee who becomes entangled in a steamy affair with Dale Earnhardt Jr. and the ghost of Dale Earnhardt. But even without actual NASCAR drivers gracing the covers these are perhaps the low-mark for printed literature. If Johann Gutenberg could only see into the future he may have reconsidered even inventing the printing press."

"Despite the recession, Microsoft is planning to open stores to compete with Apple. Microsoft says that they'll be just like the Apple stores, except the staff will freeze when you ask them a question." --Jimmy Fallon

"Actually, this past weekend, the Conservative Political Action Conference picked Mitt Romney over Sarah Palin in their straw poll to be the next presidential candidate. Yeah. Well, it's kind of interesting. I mean, one is just a pretty face, obsessed with makeup and hair. And the other, of course, is the governor of Alaska." --Jay Leno

"Secretary of Defense Robert Gates was on 'Meet the Press' yesterday. And he said that Barack Obama is more analytical than President Bush. Well, there's a shock, huh? I think Tickle Me Elmo is more analytical than President Bush." --Jay Leno

"During his trip to Ottawa, Canada, President Obama said he was too embarrassed to admit to the Canadians that he'd never actually seen a hockey game, to which the Canadians said, 'Oh, don't worry, we've never seen a black guy.'" --Jay Leno

"Hey, the Obamas are expecting the arrival of the first dog in April. Actually, it's Obama's second choice of a dog. The first dog, he had some tax problems." --Jay Leno

"China has announced plans to create their own 24-hour news channel. They said it's going to be like a Chinese CNN, basically. In fact, they've already hired Lou Dobbs to complain about illegal Mongolians sneaking over the border." --Jay Leno

"Oh, there are no gays in Iran but you watch 'The Wrestler' and '300″ back-to-back?' The film '300″ could be the gayest movie ever made. There's gay porn that's less gay than '300.'" --Craig Ferguson

Here's the trick:

• In base ten (the one we use), any two-digit number is actually (10x+y), where x is the first digit and y is the second.
  
• You are asked to subtract (x+y)
  
• The result of your calculation is therefore 9x - nine times the first digit of the number you chose. Try it out. No matter what number you choose, the result of the subtraction problem will be exactly the same as nine times the first digit.
  
• Since the result of the arithmetic process must be a multiple of 9, the answer page simply places the exact same gift on EVERY multiple of nine, so it must arrive at the correct gift, no matter what number you choose.
  

That's no surprise. The market for adult entertainment is relatively constant across America's culture, despite religious influence. If less is available offline, more will be accessed in privacy online.

Much to everyone's surprise, Fallon did OK. He was nervous, but who wouldn't be? He has kind of a goofy sincerity that is different from the styled ironic pose we expect from these guys. It just might click when he gets his rhythm.

One to add to the list: Dirty Rotten Scoundrels is a remake of Bedtime Story, in which the competing con men were screen legends Marlon Brando and David Niven. It is perhaps the only movie in which Brando is genuinely funny. (On purpose. Not counting his interpretation of Fletcher Christian.)

I know this has nothing to do with celebrities or humor, but every day I run some non-funny, non-celeb items. Today it was either this or an analysis of Kant's Critique of Pure Reason. I had to settle it with a coin flip.

This is for our one reader in Borneo who has never seen Kate Winslet naked.

"'These two entities—Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac—are not facing any kind of financial crisis,' said Representative Barney Frank of Massachusetts, the ranking Democrat on the Financial Services Committee. 'The more people exaggerate these problems, the more pressure there is on these companies, the less we will see in terms of affordable housing.'"

That's probably the most ill-advised statement since Napoleon said "Russia? Piece of cake!"

Check out the photos! Fair warning: not while you are eating.

It's 03-03-09, get it?

That reminds me - only 12 more shopping days until Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day.

Sigh. We still have snow. I love a white Christmas, but a white Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day is just depressing.

Call me when you find something that does NOT give men an erection. Then you'll get that Nobel.

"the middle digit from Galileo's right hand is mounted on a marble base and encased in a crystal jar."

It's the only Hamlet where he accompanies his soliloquies on the accordion. That didn't bother me much, but I still don't understand the scene in the bowling alley.

(Kidding aside, I happened to stumble on this because Kamilla Baar does full-frontal nudity as Ophelia, and the scene is in today's Funhouse. Ya gotta love European TV.)

... but still slightly less than world domination.

Wait a minute. We know God can't actually be out because He's everywhere. So if I get His machine that just means He's screening out my calls. That can't be good.

On the other hand, if God is out, I want to be where that phone is. The one place in the universe where God is NOT - that's where I want to take my dates.

"Obama announced today we are finally, it's official, getting out of Iraq. Because the way the economy is going, we're going to need the troops here, for, you know, riot control." --Bill Maher

'Obama said he hopes the terrorists don't follow us home, but if they do, and they want to bring down a building, the CitiCorp Center is at Lexington and 53rd.' --Bill Maher

'Hey, speaking of that, our new attorney general, Eric Holder, said individual states are now going to determine their own marijuana laws, and that the DEA is going to end raids on the California cannabis club. So, ask your doctor if pot is right for you.' --Bill Maher

'But the speech. If you didn't see it, I'll give you the short version. We're completely broke, and deeply in debt, but we're going to do a bank rescue, universal healthcare, give everybody a college education, have a bigger war in Afghanistan, cut the deficit in half, and cure cancer. We were this close to universal blow jobs.' --Bill Maher

'It was a powerful speech. Joe Biden said it made the hair that was transplanted from the back of his neck stand up.' --Bill Maher"

I remember him mostly as a face on a baseball card, but he did have one noteworthy year. The 1957 Yankees had probably the best pitching staff of the 1950s not to wear an Indians uniform. All five of the top starters in the Bronx finished in the top eight in the league in winning percentage, and four of them finished in the top five in ERA. Somehow Tom Sturdivant emerged as the unlikely ace of that staff, although he began the season as the fourth starter. He lead the team in wins. He led the league in winning percentage, and he finished second in the league in ERA, behind Shantz.

Unfortunately, that year was pretty much the end of his career. He would never again start more than 12 games for any team. In the next three years he won 3, 2, and 3.

Oddly enough, Sturdivant was not the only member of that staff to collapse after 1957.

• Bobby Shantz had once been the best pitcher in the league. The tiny (5'6", 142) lefty actually won the MVP in 1952 (rare for a starting pitcher), and led the league in ERA in 1957, but he would never again start as many as 15 games in a season, or win as many as 10.
• Don Larsen was only a dependable fifth starter and never seemed headed for the Hall of Fame, as Shantz once did, but in 1956-57 he went 21-9, and I think you know what he did in the 1956 World Series. After 1957 he would never again start 20 games in a season, or win as many as 10. Just three years after his perfecto he went 1-10 with a 5.38 ERA.
• Bob Turley did not collapse after the 1957 season. He waited until after the 1958 season. He went 21-7 in 1958, then dropped off the radar, although still in his mid twenties.

The fifth member of the staff did not collapse at all. That would be a certain Mr. Whitey Ford, who anchored the staff for another decade while en route to a lifetime winning percentage near .700 and a plaque in the HOF.

I dunno. It seems to me that they insult America much more than Iran. Especially small-town America away from the coasts. Isn't being offensively simplistic the whole point of Hollywood?

Fuck,yeah!

Strangely, they are going to issue the proclamation on Tuesday, so cuss your heart out on Monday, Angelenos.

The apologetic father vowed to beat the child in private from now on.

"The Early Report features the most detailed listings on the Internet of all films scheduled to be released in the upcoming four weeks, including actual and estimated screen counts, running times and ratings. This week's report covers 55 known new movies opening in theatres between Wednesday 3/4/09 and Monday 3/30/09, plus dozens more titles expanding their runs during this timeframe."

"Of course the Catholic-born L has gone public with the news, updating her Facebook status to read 'I'm converting' as well as telling members of the temple that she's 'trying' to convert to the Jewish faith!"

The only real story of the week is that the Jonas Brothers fizzled. Based on a lively pre-sale market, the experts were expecting something similar to the Hannah Montana phenomenon. Never happened. The final gross barely exceeded a third of expectations.

Taken, Paul Blart, and Slumdog took up a little of the slack by exceeding expectations. Taken has now passed $100 million, Blart is over $125, and Slumdog is around $115. Slumdog went up again, and not just because of additional theaters. Its average per theater also increased!

Despite the disappointing results from the presumed leader, the week still beat last year by about 9%. Every week of this year has produced an incrase.