"This week, President Obama attended what was either the G-20 summit or his high school reunion. I haven't seen old white dudes this excited about meeting a black guy since Michael Jordan's fantasy camp." --Seth Meyers

"Michelle Obama was photographed in London wearing clothes from J-Crew, the store is selling out of the clothes she's been wearing. Now if someone could just get her to drive a Chrysler." --Seth Meyers

"When the president met with Queen Elizabeth, he presented her with an iPod loaded with Broadway show tunes while she gave him a silver framed picture of her and Prince Phillip. There were no winners in that gift exchange, because when I think of things an 83-year-old, super-rich British woman would want, an iPod is pretty far down the list, right between a bus pass and sneakers with the wheels on the bottom." --Seth Meyers

"And when I think of what a 47-year-old, super-cool black dude would want, a picture of an 83-year-old white lady is last. Now I'm not saying it's easy to buy the Queen a gift. She wears the same outfit every day and her only hobby is waving." --Seth Meyers

"But if you're looking for gift ideas for foreign leaders, you should check with the State Department and not Sasha and Malia. And while we're at it, Queen, a picture of yourself is not a good gift. Let's try to remember, you're world leaders, not Secret Santas." --Seth Meyers

"New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg praised Reverend Al Sharpton, calling him a calming influence on the city. Wow! What are the odds of a city having two reverends named Al Sharpton?" --Seth Meyers

"The pres is beloved in France, where he was hailed as the black Jerry Lewis. He had a town hall meeting there, which a lot of people said was brave. Not for facing the people, but for putting himself in a room full of French people raising their hands." --Bill Maher

" He was the 11th U.S. President Queen Elizabeth has met with, and the first one where she spent the entire meeting clutching her purse." --Bill Maher

"Then it was on to Germany, for Obama. To make him feel at home, the Germans offered to let him fire the CEO of Volkswagen." --Bill Maher

"First Lady Michelle Obama is a huge hit in England. There was a bit of controversy when she put her hand on the Queen's back. The Queen took it as a gesture of friendship, but I think Michelle went a little too far when she tried to feed Camilla a carrot." --Jay Leno

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs Your Kid is in Al Qaeda

• His chemistry tutor? Chemical Ali.
  
• Asks to go to sleepaway camp in Peshawar, Pakistan.
  

"Yesterday, President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama met the Queen of England. As a gift, they gave the Queen an iPod. I guess she can use that while she's jogging. And she likes it. She said it's so much easier to use than that giant boom box she used to carry around." --Jay Leno

"Do you know that over 500 administrative staff members traveled to London with the President? Not for the summit. They just want to be out of the country during tax time." --Jay Leno

"But this is a fascinating story. This C.E.O. at General Motors, largest corporation in the world, most powerful corporation in the world and they said, 'Okay, you know, we'll do business with you guys, but you, take a hike.' But they gave him $20 million to step down. And I'm thinking well, we should have tried that on Bush." --David Letterman

"It was a big day in London. President Obama met Queen Elizabeth and gave her an iPod with 40 Broadway songs loaded on it. Someone needs to tell Barack not all queens like show tunes." --Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, you know that new X-Men movie, 'Wolverine,' that's coming out this summer? The F.B.I. is investigating it. There's an HD version that was leaked online. As soon as the F.B.I. solves the case, they'll get back to looking for bin Laden." --Jimmy Fallon

Well, not quite, but White House has hired actor Kal Penn (Kumar) as a liaison between President Barack Obama's administration and Hollywood.

Because when you say the name "Kel Penn" in Hollywood, every door opens.

And also because Corey Feldman turned the job down.

Who could have dreamed?

The good news? It's still cool to do it once you turn 20 - flame on!

This is a literal meaning of "dickheads"" pics of celebrities whose heads look like penises.

Somehow you just know that Dennis Rodman and John Daly would be two of the eight.

It's about time she thought about herself!

Comedy classic: Triumph attends a Star Wars premiere.

"Dutch actresses are auditioning for [Greenaway] and being asked two questions: 1) 'Would you be willing to have unsimulated intercourse on screen?' 2) 'Would you be willing to appear in a shot in which semen leaks out of your vagina?'"

She turns 44 on Thursday, but could pass for ten years less than that.

"A catchy tune touting the new Wilkinson Sword Quattro for Women Bikini, with a razor on one end and a waterproof bikini trimmer on the other, but certain racial stereotypes/imagery might muff... er, ruffle some feathers"

"The Museum Of Bad Art (MOBA) is the world's only museum dedicated to the collection, preservation, exhibition and celebration of bad art in all its forms.The Museum Of Bad Art (MOBA) is the world's only museum dedicated to the collection, preservation, exhibition and celebration of bad art in all its forms."

"This first section of The Early Report features the most detailed listings on the Internet of all films scheduled to be released in the upcoming four weeks, including actual and estimated screen counts, running times and ratings. This week's report covers 34 known new movies opening in theatres between Wednesday 4/8/09 and Friday 5/1/09, plus dozens more titles expanding their runs during this timeframe."

Lowe allowed only two baserunners in eight innings.

"Alex Da Silva, guest choreographer on FOX hit show So You Think You Can Dance, was arrested Saturday on charges that he raped four of his dance students over the past six years. He is being held on a $3.8 million bond."

It was an astounding week. Fast & Furious ALONE almost beat last year's TOTAL! Overall, the top 12 nearly doubled last year's comparable weekend. The weekend broke the record for best weekend in April by so much that you can't even see second place from there! ($152 million - the previous record was $114!) As ol' Mel Allen would have said, "How about that?"

One fact new to me: Orville Wright lived to see the bomb dropped on Hiroshima.

"Barack Obama, the World's Greatest Orator (™all news organisations), didn't exactly cover himself in glory when the BBC's political editor Nick Robinson asked him a question about who was to blame for the financial crisis. Normally word perfect, Obama ummed, ahed and waffled for the best part of two and a half minutes."

The Guardian's John Crace decodes what he was really thinking ...

To sum it up in a word: "no."

Many of you know that I lived and worked in Norway in the early 90s. If you are the kind of person who likes to take pictures, you will basically photograph every square inch of the country. I've been almost everywhere on earth, and never seen any country to compare to Norway's physical beauty. And the people are great as well. The weather? Eh, not so much.

The prices? Better check the upper limits on your credit cards. True story: my dad visited me in Norway, and we were strolling through Oslo one day when he asked me to translate a sign. I said "Three suits for $100." He said, "That's cheaper than Kuppenheimers. Maybe I should pick some up before I leave." I said, "Dad, that's not a clothing store. It's a dry cleaner."

Fast and Furious had a monstrous day - $30 million on Friday alone.

Poor critically beloved Adventureland sold about 8 tickets.

I just noticed that "Taken" is till basically a top ten film (actually 11th) - after nine weeks.

"A video clip making its way across the Internet shows travelers at the Antwerp, Belgium train station at first befuddled, and then delighted by a mass dance that breaks out to music from 'The Sound of Music.'"

I guess it's OK if the holy honchos get one dance, but they shouldn't be getting into the habit.

I think it must be a fake of Biel rather than an unknown, based upon this pic of Biel with the same tattoo.

Whatever it is, I like it.

Update: it is a Biel fake. Here's the original.

"I didn't know he was dead... I thought he was British."

"The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5' 7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone."

"Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television."

"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred."

"Thousands of people showed up in London to protest this G-20 economic summit. Protesters smashed windows at the Bank of Scotland. Did you see it on the news? The banks were closed. The windows were all boarded up. It looked like our banks." --Jay Leno

"Hey, happy birthday, former Vice President Al Gore, who is 61 years old. And besides being Al Gore's birthday, it is also the 116th anniversary of the invention of the zipper, both of which played a major role in the Clinton Administration." --Jay Leno

"See, I feel confident that it'll go well, because President Obama is very good with these economic leaders. He is a very good speaker, of course, and a good speech writer. See, the problem with President Bush was when he went to the summit, any time anyone said G20, he'd go, 'Bingo!'" --Jay Leno

"This is crazy. The CEO at General Motors, Rick Wagoner, been there for like 30 years, but President Obama says, 'You're done, pal. Take a seat.' Bounced the guy right out of the job. He'll be replaced now by Jimmy Fallon." --David Letterman

"Environmentalists say this weekend's Earth Hour was a huge success. An estimated 1 billion people plus turned off their lights, TVs, and appliances from 8:30-9:30. What's interesting is that during this hour, NBC's ratings actually went up." --Jimmy Fallon

At least I think it's Jessica. The quality is so poor it might be HOMER Simpson.

Two words: Hugh Grant

As one wag observed: one loves to sow wild oats, the other loves to eat them.

The movie, by the way, is called "Did You Hear About the Morgans?" You may want to jot that down in case somebody someday asks you to go to it.

I don't know about "ever." I didn't see "Good Morning Starshine" or "Seasons in the Sun" in there, but they are some very bad songs.

You probably weren't expecting this or the Spanish Inquisition in Iowa, but I knew this was coming when I saw the massive sales figures for the Iowa Hawkeyes Cornhole Game. That is a state where they really enjoy cornholing.

So that when they all strike in unison ... er ... I dunno.

If they want more money, why don't they just use their supernatural powers? It must be that their powers are limited by an oath of honor. Remember how Superman would never squeeze coal into diamonds for his own personal gain, but only to save orphans 'n' shit? Must be the same deal.

The report added that Russia's "extrasensory" practitioners -- psychics, faith-healers, witches, magicians and so on -- had reported an increase in their workload in connection with the global economic crisis. We are all in the wrong businesses. Well, except for those of you with ESP, and you aren't reading this because you already knew what I was going to type.

Why hasn't Hathaway been recruited for a vampire movie yet? The filmmakers can really save on make-up!

Example: The Onion and Iran. (In symbols, of course.)

And that is a bad thing because ... ?

"Boss, I think they gave me the wrong number, but maybe I'm just dialing wrong. But don't worry, nothing will stop this intrepid reporter. I'll just keep calling it 2-3 times a day until I get through."

"The bad news is that Jessica Simpson and a few of her sexy friends are in Mexico, home of the 5-pound burrito. The good news is that all the weight she put on seems to have settled in nicely somewhere other than her ass."

It's sad to note that with all the advances of modern science, we can't save more wounded crocodiles. If there's one thing the world needs now, it's certainly not love, sweet love, but more and healthier crocodiles. When you get right down to it, there's really no such thing as too many healthy crocodiles. I think Madonna and Angelina Jolie should start flying to Africa and adopting the poor creatures before they can be ... er .. harvested.

Although they might consider keeping the crocs in a different room from the kids and dogs.

I agree with their point. The leaked copy is missing vast stretches of CGI, so some items appear as cartoonish outlines, while in other scenes the wires and ropes are seen attached to the actors. Other elements are unfinished, according to sources. (The musical score, e.g.). It would not be fair to judge the film by this print. Having said that, however, I think the movie will be a lot of fun! Jackman is terrific in the part, as always, and the baddies (Danny Huston and Liev Schreiber) are eminently hateable. Liev gained something like 30 pounds of muscle. He does Shakespeare, dramas, comedy, thrillers, girly movies - you name it. He even impersonated Orson Welles in one film. He must be the most under-appreciated actor around. Well, OK, I guess that would actually be the incredible Sam Rockwell, but Liev must be the most underappreciated TALL actor.

Including female nudity in a scene with Bruno, which is kinda surprising when you consider that Bruno plays for the other team.

A sample of the page:

Games like "Guess How Many Buns Are in My EZ Bake Oven" will be among the featured events when minor-league baseball's Grand Prairie AirHogs host "Octomom Night." In honor of the Suleman octuplets in California, the independent league club said Wednesday it will also have a Diaper Derby and a stroller race the night of the June 13 game. Groups of eight or more will be offered half-price admission and if the AirHogs score eight or more runs during the game, every fan will get a ticket to another game.

Among all the normal afflictions of old age, he has miraculously avoided glaucoma.

Or maybe he just forgot his age.

He is in the Guinness book as the oldest man ever to begin a sentence with "Dude, ..."

This is damned cool, as the name of the site implies. I never heard of this zoo, or anything like it.

And I'm not going to pet the gigantic tigers any time soon.

158 pictures of people who are really, really drunk.

And a few from the 19th century as well.

Also, she really isn't Caroline Dhavernas ... or is she?

From JR Kawasaki Station take the No. 23 bus for Daishi and get off at Wakamiya Hachiman-gu shrine. Look for the gigantic, bright pink penis. If the penis is orange or even salmon colored, you have been ripped off by a cheap imitation. Possibly you have even taken the flight to Mexico City instead of Tokyo.

I dunno. Did anyone really believe that Leonard Cohen was going to play the Steve Guttenberg role in the remake of Can't Stop the Music?

Lemme guess. It's a big screen version of the Patty Duke show and they're playing identical twin cousins.

Some of my favorites:

"Alcohol... the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems"

"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."

"This country was built on immigrants. We need them. Without them, who would train our tigers and kick our extra points?"

"Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel."

"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at Church? That Captain Whatizname? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to see those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear nobody laughin', did you?"

"Lisa, if the bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, like hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing."

"Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try again."

"I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff. And I want in."

"If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing."

"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene."

"When will you Australians learn? In America we stopped using corporal punishment, and things have never been better. The streets are safe. Old people strut confidently through even the darkest alleys. And the weak and nerdy are admired for their computer programming abilities."

"Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies. And kids with fake I.D.'s."

Somehow, he seems like the right man to represent the country at this time.

I'd say there's about as much chance of my catching hay fever as there is of Matthew McConaughey ending up with glaucoma.

"Unemployment is at record levels. Of course, no one is buying anything. Consumer spending is at a standstill. The Octomom switched to a generic brand of semen." --Bill Maher

"President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He's concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that's just in his administration." --Jay Leno

"The postmaster general of the United States said that the post office lost $2.8 billion last year. Here's the worst part, do you know where it got lost? In the mail." --Jay Leno

"President Obama gave the first official online town hall meeting over the internet. Apparently, there must have been an online mix-up, because two guys from 'Dateline: Predator' showed up with a six pack of Mike's hard lemonade." --Jay Leno

You can also select specific segments.

Fast and Furious is expected to open solidly at $45m for first place, and Monsters vs Aliens is expected to hold about half of its audience for a solid second. After that it drops precipitously to three films battling for a distant third.

Despite the excellent reviews, Adventureland is not expected to perform well. Warrior thinks it will limp into 6th.

Two wide releases:

• Fast & Furious. Vin Diesel and Paul Walker re-team for the finale of the series, unless it makes an obscene shitpile of money, in which case there will be more. The reviews won't help. Only 13% of them are positive. 3400 theaters.
  
• Adventureland. This one may be the sleeper of the year. 90% positive reviews, and the reviews are often ecstatic. "SUPERBAD's Greg Mottola directs this comedy about a floundering college grad (Jesse Eisenberg) who decides to work at an amusement park when his post-graduation plans fall through." 1800 theaters.
  

And two new films in limited distro:

• Alien Trespass. 40 theaters. Drive-in style sci-fi spoof which claims to be a lost classic. 33% positive reviews.
  
• C Me Dance. 200 theaters. No reviews. Official blurb says it all: "At first, C ME DANCE appears to be a moving, religious film about a dancer who has a life-threatening illness. But for teenage Sheri, her struggle with a rare blood disease is only the beginning. A night of prayer works a miracle: Sheri is now able to turn people’s hearts toward God. However, her new ability attracts the attention of Satan, and C ME DANCE turns into a haunting but inspirational thriller."

  Oh, that Satan. Who knew he was a big dance fan? Even with that tail, he can still cut a mean rug! His favorite dance? The Limbo!
  

College is better than ever!

"You can't beat it."

Fascinating story. German police have been looking for a woman who seems to have been involved in a massive crime spree. Turns out the DNA at those crime scenes belonged to a woman who works in the factory which manufactures the devices used to collect DNA!