The result is a "who cares" unless you are fan of one of the teams, but here's the interesting part: the D-backs' relievers threw a complete nine inning no-hitter after the regulation game was over! The game went 18 innings, and the Padres never got a hit in overtime.

With the strong Blue Jay offense, and Halladay's ability to toss about 250 innings, you have to figure this should be his year for Ws.

It was a photo finish between Up and The Hangover, and it could go either way when the final results come out later in the week. As of now, the estimates give a slight edge to Up.

The Hangover is the first sleeper hit of the summer. Land of the Lost is the first high-budget bomb.

Star Trek, still going strong, hit $222m for the year.

The aggregate was somewhere between 5 and 10% below last year, but that's misleading because last year was exceptionally good. This year was significantly better than any of the previous three years.

More to the point, "Artistically painted naked female bodies."

Can you spot Bill Gates in the pics?

These are not captures from the video (which was made two years ago), but other footage shot that day. We have already seen similar material, but not these revealing angles.

"This girl sure knows how to light up a room. If you zoom in, you'll see that her lower back tattoo says 'Insert Explosive Device Here.'"

"Thankfully for taxpayers, a city contract stipulates that all costs, including any overruns, are paid by Wall Decaux Inc., which builds Boston's toilets and bus shelters in exchange for the right to sell ads on them. The toilets typically cost $250,000."

"Chimney Sweep's Scrotum Cancer." It sounds bad, but you'd think it would be worth the risk to enjoy the sweet life as a full-time chimney sweep. Aren't they always singing and dancing with Julie Andrews?

"Piece be with you."

We can only hope that it is a one-way trip.

And that the clowns and mimes are next.

Sigh. Just when I thought Hollywood had run out of ideas for Deuce Bigalow sequels.

Fast food workers in Kuwait set three world records in one day last weekend. The first feat came when workers at Hardees organized a line of burgers more than 1,000 feet long. Next, a crew from KFC filled a giant bucket with more than 1,200 pounds of fried chicken, nearly doubling the old record. Finally, Krispy Kreme employees loaded an enormous box full of 2,700 glazed doughnuts.

And that was all sold from the drive-through. The hard part was fitting it all into Kirstie Alley's car.

"Donald Trump's Fragrance - We've got a secret for you, guys - the reason Donald Trump gets women? It's not his smell, it's his cash. But then, you knew that, which is why Trump the Stink is losing the odor war to favorites like 'Eau De Vince Vaughn' and 'Duchovny - Le Scent.'"

One island off the coast of Brazil has five deadly snakes per square meter. What the hell do they live off of?

"A 'little piece of America died' when a jury says it's OK to curse in front of a 13-year-old 'when asked not to.'"

Their state animal is roadkill.

Researchers believe that it is the sugars, salts, and bubbles in a beer that may help people absorb fluids more quickly. It is not known whether the scientists wrote the report after sampling the test beer.

The Hangover goes ballistic. It was expected to finish in the 20s for the weekend, but almost made 20 on Friday alone!

In four years with the Yankees, Pavano was paid $38 million dollars and won a grand total of nine games.

This year, he is making about one tenth of his former annual pay --- but is now 6-1 in his last seven decisions!

Pavano has only had one good season in 12 years. He was 18-8 that year (2004), and is 54-62 for the remaining 11 years of his tenure, which averages out to fewer than five wins per year. Pavano was fortunate enough to have that one season just before turning free agent, thus making himself some thirty million dollars richer than he would have been if 2004 had been one of his typical years.

Even after that thumping, he's still 8-2, with an ERA of 1.55.

Zambrano is an interesting candidate to break some of the all-time records for hitting by a pitcher. The best hitting pitcher in history (among guys who remained pitchers) was probably Wes Ferrell, who hit .280 lifetime, with 37 homers as a pitcher, including nine in one year. His lifetime OPS was .787. Ferrell had five multiple homer games and once knocked in six in a game.

After Ferrell was washed up as a pitcher (and he was once a very good one until he developed arm trouble - six twenty-win seasons, 193 wins, a .601 winning percentage), he played many years in the low minors, crushing the hell out of the ball as an outfielder. One year in the Western Carolina League he hit .425 with outstanding power - at age 40!

Anyway, Zambrano is only 28 and already has 18 dingers, but he doesn't seem to be in Ferrell's class. His BA is .240, his OPS only .637. However, he may have a chance at some of Ferrell's numbers because he seems to be improving. Last year he hit .337 with an .891 OPS.

In a way, Zambrano's stats are eerily similar to Ferrell's. After the 1933 season, Ferrell had a lifetime record of 102-62, with 18 homers as a pitcher (and one as a fill-in outfielder). At this moment, Zambrano is 100-63, with 18 homers. Ferrell, however, had accomplished all that when he was three years younger than Zambrano is now.

Speaking of great hitting by pitchers, I still vividly remember Tony Cloninger, a Braves pitcher, jacking two grand slams in one game in the summer after my high school graduation. Cloninger was not only the only pitcher ever to pull that off, but was the only National Leaguer to do that in the 20th century! Cloninger also singled in a run in that game, giving him a solid day's work with 9 RBI. He was a pretty good pitcher, as well, having won 24 the previous year, and eventually becoming a pitching coach. He's still alive and well, a cancer survivor, still working as a scout last I heard.

Just add water and .. Voila! ... water.

I guess the trick is that it produces three gallons of water from one gallon. Or something. Beats me.

"Yesterday president Barack Obama met the king of Saudi Arabia, who kissed Obama twice. Obama says he hasn't gotten this kind of treatment since he met Keith Olbermann." --Conan O'Brien

"How about that Korean dictator, Kim Jong-Il? Oh my gosh, what's the deal on that guy. He's a little squirrelly, right? Am I right? And he's going to step down. He's no longer going to be running North Korea. He's turning power over to his son, Kim Jong W-Il. But that was a big disappointment to his other son, Jeb Il." --David Letterman

"President Obama is in Germany right now, but he was in the Middle East before that. King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia met with Obama and gave him a large, shiny medallion on a thick, gold chain. Obama said, 'Thank you, but I think you have me confused with Flava Flav.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"The U.S. government accidentally released a confidential list of exact locations of nuclear sites around the country. Authorities have no idea who was responsible. None. Okay. It was Biden." --Jimmy Fallon

"Finally, the New York Daily News is reporting that some members of the New York Mets may be suffering from swine flu, which is scary because usually, the Mets don't start choking 'til September." --Jimmy Fallon

"But President Obama was in Egypt today addressing the Muslim world from Cairo University. Reaction to his speech was mixed. After it, some said, 'Death to America,' others said, 'Die, American dogs.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Iranian and some Palestinian officials dismissed his speech as all talk, which -- I mean, it was a speech. Do you want magic tricks?" --Jimmy Kimmel

They make a glossy case that top celebrities live in Oakland! (There are at least two Brentwoods in California)

VCA is the new term for a dude - Vaginally Challenged American.

"Whether Ciara can sing or not is irrelevant because this is what she wearing to open for Britney in London this week. Brit needs to kill this quick before people figure out she’s not so great. She should get a ventriloquist to open, or one of those people who paint themselves with glitter paint and stand like a statue."

If I ever get a show, I'm hiring a mime to open for me. One of those really obnoxious ones who goes into the audience, sits next to someone, and copies all their mannerisms. After about a half-hour of that, the audience will think I'm a combination of Oscar Wilde and Richard Prior.

That was reported by their police spokesman, who is a Lieutenant General - General Lee Obvious.

You had to love his appearance as "William Hung and his Hung Jury," the house band for that famous faux court show, "Court Time with Judge Reinhold."

(with a few pics)

Lohan smash!

Actually, I don't think all of these are abandoned. Some are just pictured in the off-season, or whatever, but photographs of "people places" without people are always poignant. It's like seeing the abandoned and overgrown amusement parks we remember from our childhoods, when they were filled with laughter.

"A review of divorce court filings shows that his most recent ex-wife once accused the actor of 'deviant sexual behavior which was potentially deadly.'"

This next one has nothing to do with his death, but ... according to court documents, Carradine allegedly engaged in an "incestuous relationship with a very close family member."

VERY close? Since his parents are dead, that "very" would seem to imply a sibling or one of his children! That's nasty.

Trivia: David Carradine's birth name is John Carradine.

"I don’t know if you knew this or not, but Kendra Wilkinson has a new show on E! that premieres this Sunday. Which is good news because she was always the best thing about 'The Girls Next Door.' She was constantly naked and confused. You can even see her naked ass on the promo. A good-hearted, easily-befuddled hot naked girl makes for surprisingly compelling television."

I can answer that. Reality. No, not reality shows (well, that too), but economic reality.

The old Hollywood system was based on making stars, who would then be the drawing cards for movies and TV shows. But that drawing power continued to wane as the years passed. People used to go see any movie starring Cary Grant because Cary was in it. These days there is nobody with that kind of appeal. That was problem one.

Problem two is that stars are, as a general rule, clueless, spoiled, pains in the ass - and boy, are they expensive. The cast of Friends used to get paid with shopping sprees at Fort Knox. The money men were willing to live with that as long as the stars were capable of carrying a show, but obviously don't want to pay out vast sums to brain-dead pains in the ass unless there is a return on the investment.

Problem three is that writers, while neither stupid nor expensive, are even bigger pains in the ass than actors. And to do a great scripted show, like Seinfeld or Hill Street Blues, you need a very large group of pain-in-the-ass writers.

The solution is obvious: get rid of the actors and writers. It's obvious in theory, that is, but for years people struggled with how exactly to accomplish it. More sports? Nah. Athletes are just as expensive and just as big a pain in the ass as actors, and the major sports place their packages into highly competitive bidding wars. More talk and game shows? Nah, their ratings tend to be star-driven. Solving the problem just seemed to be an impossible dream, like perpetual motion.

And then a miracle happened, something that Dr. Suess would have called a wonderful, awful idea. The reality show was born in a manger, and our lives would never be the same. The producers pay some fame whores nothing or very little, then throw them out with the Tuesday morning trash pick-up and start again with another group. There is never any shortage of people willing to appear for little or no compensation on American Idol, Survivor, and other such dreck. Bingo! No more stars, and very few writers. (Some reality formats need a couple of creative guys to come up with ideas from week to week, while others really need no writers at all.)

If the producers of reality shows are really smart, like Simon Cowell, they can even find a way to make the participants pay them. (With a percentage of future record deals, for example.) That might even go farther. What if a show like American Idol charged everyone to audition? Everyone wants to be a star, and there are enough fame whores in the world that such a concept might create a vast new revenue stream. Look at it from the producers' angle. Imagine running a business where your labor line is an income line rather than an expense. Gets you licking your lips a bit, eh? And it sure beats the heck out of paying a gazillion dollars a week to David Schwimmer.

So, yeah, there are some scripted shows left on broadcast TV, and I suppose there will always be a few, but as few as the networks can get away with. You want to pitch a brilliant show? Better take it to HBO or Showtime.

Too bad he didn't think of that before they started filming The Wicker Man.

Submitter wrote: "Someone has finally made a documentary about B movie god Jim Wynorski. Popatopolis follows the director of The Witches of Breastwick and The Breastford Wives as he shoots two movies in one week using the same cast and location. The film includes interviews with Monique Parent, Glori-Anne Gilbert, Stormy Daniels, Julie K. Smith, and Julie Strain. If Wynorski can afford a big enough tombstone, his epitaph should read: “I guess Picasso painted pictures, and I’m not Picasso. I’m more like the guy who paints Elvis on velvet.”

I just happened to notice this: the two guys hitting before Phat Albert are hitting .246 and .248. The two guys batting after him are batting .240 and .226. I wonder why they don't walk him in every critical situation, like they used to do with Bonds.

Fortunately for the Cardinals, the old Chris Carpenter seems to be back. He threw a complete game Thursday, and is now 4-0 with a 0.87 ERA. Carpenter was a tremendous pitcher for the Cards in 2004-2006, when he went 51-18. But he essentially hasn't pitched since then.

He's not what he used to be (only two strikeouts in six innings), but the man can still pitch. Six innings pitched, allowing only two hits, no earned runs. He is a respectable 5-4 this year.

A Randy memory: for a brief time between his glory tears with Seattle and his glory years with Arizona, a half of a season to be exact, we had 'im on our side in Houston. He started 11 games, winning ten of them, with a 1.28 ERA and 116 K's in 84 innings. And then he was gone with a fat contract, just like Beltran after his amazing half-year with us between Kansas City and New York. (He was 28 for 28 in stolen bases, hit 23 regular season dingers, then 8 post-season dingers in 46 at-bats, and added another 6-for-6 in post-season stolen bases.)

Houston - the place to go when you have half a season to kill before free agency! Just don't buy a house or anything like that. You might not even want to unpack your suitcases.

It is not a parody. Somebody created it to look real. "Fan-made trailer using scenes from Firefly and 28 other film and video games, then processed and edited with special effects."

Mauer wasn't "the man" in this game, despite four runs scored.

Morneau and Kubel also had three hits each, and they combined for three homers and 9 RBI.

"the BBC was the first to suggest that his death was the result of autoerotic asphyxiation. The second paragraph of their original article said ... 'Thai police told the BBC the 72-year-old was found naked by a hotel maid in a wardrobe with a cord around his neck and genitals.'"

"Well, if he was hanging, and it wasn’t suicide, and he wasn’t in Mike Tysons playroom with its tentacle-like treadmill chords, and he wasn’t fighting Bruce Willis on a stairwell, that pretty much leaves jacking off. At best. At worst he was with some whores. Although that sounds pretty cool too. His penis died while exotic ladies strung him up with ropes. His penis was like Indiana Jones."

"Halle Berry was caught filming a Revlon commercial earlier today in Los Angeles, although as she adjusted her tits and pulled at her top, it almost went from “Ad for Makeup” to “Worlds Most Watched Video”."

(The French Cinema Nudity Site)

"Talk about a guy who won't go away. How about Osama bin Laden? I mean, come on. Come on with this guy. And there's another one of those aggravating tapes that he sends out from time to time and they put them on the Al Jazeera network. There's a new tape and people say, 'Well, how do we know this is a current tape?' Well I'll tell you how you can tell that this is a current tape. At the end of the tape, he wishes Jay luck on the new 10 p.m. show." --David Letterman

"And in the new tape, it's a long, crazy man, lunatic rant condemning President Obama. Oh no, wait a minute, that's Cheney. That was Cheney doing that. Very strange tape from Osama bin Laden. He claims that 'American Idol' was fixed, number one. And then he demands the release of Phil Spector." --David Letterman

"How about that Dick Cheney? He's really quite busy here lately. He's talking. He says now that Saddam Hussein, listen to this, think about this, Saddam Hussein, who used to be the guy running the show there in Iraq, said Saddam Hussein had nothing to do with 9/11. Whoa. And to get that information, Cheney admits that he had to waterboard himself." --David Letterman

"Sooner or later, every president has to go to the Middle East. President Bush went to negotiate agreements on oil prices. President Clinton went to negotiate agreements on oil wrestling." --Craig Ferguson

"Actually, Vice President Biden was here in New York yesterday and bought a designer suit at Barney's for $2,400. I know. It's a lot but it's high quality material, made from the same fabric as his hair." --Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll shows that Americans have a more negative view of Muslim countries now than back in 2002. That's because the media never reports any of the good bombings." --Jimmy Fallon

"As part of their restructuring plan, General Motors is selling off an entire division to a Chinese company. The new division will be called General Tso's Motors." --Jimmy Fallon

"Have any of you been watching this show, 'Inside the Obama White House'? It's a reality show, set in the White House. Twenty five women and Brian Williams compete for Barack Obama's love. And Congress votes them out one by one." --Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs It's Time For Kim Jong-Il to Retire

• Recently spent 11 hours interrogating a coat rack.
  
• 9. Instead of "dear leader" now insists on being called "Petey."
  
• 8. Hasn't stopped sobbing since Susan Boyle lost.
  
• 7. Plans to spend summer following Coldplay.
  
• 6. Eager to appear in new reality show, "I'm a murderous dictator...get me out of here!"
  
• 5. Hardly ever updates his erotic blog.
  
• 4. Spends all day watching classic episodes of "Miami Vice" on Hulu.
  
• 3. Hinting he wants to play quarterback for the Vikings.
  
• 2. Republic already named his successor, Conan Jong-il.
  
• 1. Having trouble getting his missile off the ground, if you know what I'm sayin'
  

"Despite opposition from the public, President Obama says he's determined to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. To make sure Guantanamo Bay closes, Obama said the new warden will be the CEO of General Motors." --Conan O'Brien

"Hey, how about General Motors? Oh, my gosh. It's crazy what's going on. General Motors, bankrupt. Biggest corporation in the world and now they still want money. They still want billions more bailout money. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, 'You want more money? Wait here while I talk to the manager. I'll be right back." --David Letterman

"Hey, there’s a big story out of Washington. The President went on a date. We haven’t seen this since the Clinton Administration. But this was different. The President went on a date with his wife." --Craig Ferguson

"North Korea's Kim Jong-Il selected his 26-year-old son, Kim Jong-Un, as the next leader of North Korea. The selection process went like this, 'Hey, who's up for a vote? Just kidding, my son's going to do it.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"I'm so glad to see things working out for Lil' Kim." --Jimmy Fallon

Well, he has a big yacht, so he much be rich, right? What is the salary scale for a cartoon captain?

And while I'm on it, is it normal for a guy to remain a captain for 30 years? Shouldn't he either have made admiral or retired? I'm thinking we need to get him a star. I like the sound of it: Rear Admiral James Tiberius Crunch.

Such a lady! Reminds one of the delicate classic beauties like Audrey Hepburn.

"Rose gets anally initiated with perennial pro Mr Pete."

I can't wait to see how they resolve the spine-tingling, nail-biter at the end of Big Wet Asses 14. It seems that Hand Job Solo was frozen in carbonite!

They don't mention the names of the specific critics who have "acclaimed" the Big Wet Asses series. I'm guessing that Roger Ebert is not among them. Maybe Gene Shalit?

"Thai police told the BBC the 72-year-old was found by a hotel maid sitting in a wardrobe with a rope around his neck and body on Thursday morning."

I was becoming a big fan of Carradine in the past year or two. I thought he stole the show with offbeat characterizations in Camille and Big Stan, and I found him ... well ... er ... offensive - but at least hilariously offensive in Crank: High Voltage, an underrated movie.

"If you think I'm going to say something about Katy not being able to get up because her boobs are too big, you'd be wrong. Katy Perry having big boobs and the weight of her large boobs had nothing to do with Katy Perry's heavy hooters preventing her from being able to get up after she fell down."

"He’s a great player, a bit of a loon, and just all around fun to watch. So what’s wrong with that?"

This happened in Kyrgyzstan, where tempers flare from the ongoing shortages of meat and vowels.

If only we could get Celine Dion to tour there.

That is the LAST time I ever eat at Subway.

"Sir, I'm afraid we inadvertently obliterated your penis."

Biggest douche: Jerry Seinfeld.

Ugliest: Tina Fey

Best looking: Paul Rudd

Least recognizable: Jay Leno, who then looked like Chester A Riley and/or about 20 guys in my own yearbook. (Artie Lange looks exactly the same, except five or six hundred pounds thinner.)

"In a stunning move, the Atlanta Braves released 305-game winner Tom Glavine on Wednesday, just when it seemed he was ready to return to the big leagues. Glavine, who was coming back from shoulder and elbow surgery, threw six scoreless innings for Class-A Rome on Tuesday night and proclaimed himself ready to pitch in the majors again."

Spearheading the Mafia's energy drink division: Sammy "The Red Bull"

Don't they all?

Must-see. Great little short film!

ESPN is hyping his quest for #300.

Some of the most impressive moments of Randy's career are catalogued at the linked site, but I want to add a look at:

• The entire 1995 season. Although it is not widely recognized as such, Randy's 1995 is one of the greatest seasons, if not the greatest in baseball history.
  

  
  He started 30 games. The Mariners went 27-3 in those games. As far as I know (so qualified because this is not an official stat, although it should be), this is the only case in baseball history in which a team played .900 ball behind a regular starter with 30 or more stars. From July on, the Mariners were 15-1 in Randy's starts. After August 1st they were 10-0, and the opposition scored only 14 runs - and two of those were allowed by the relievers. And every one of those wins was critical. If Randy had lost even one of those games, the Mariners would have missed the post-season. (They finished tied for first.)
  

  The Mariners played .900 ball in the games started by the Unit, but were 52-63 in their other games (.452). That differential of .448 is slightly higher than the differential between Steve Carlton and the other pitchers on the 1972 Phillies. (Carlton 29-12, other games 30-85, differential .446)
  

  Pitching with normal frequency, i.e. three or four days rest, he went 14-0.
  

  It is the only case I can think of when one pitcher single-handedly pitched an otherwise sub-.500 team to a league or division championship.
  

  He struck out 294 batters in only 214 innings. That set the record for most strikeouts per innings pitched, a record which was subsequently broken and is now owned by some guy named ... Randy Johnson (2001 version).
  

  In the one-game playoff against the Angels, he threw a complete game three hitter with 12 Ks. The Angels had beaten Randy earlier in the year, but unfortunately for them, their hitting attack was based on left-handed hitting, and lefties had no prayer against the Unit when he was on. And he was on that day. Lefties JT Snow, Garrett Anderson and Jim Edmonds went oh-for-eight in that game. Of course it was no field day for right handers either. The Angels clean-up guy was the frustrated Tim Salmon, who had a perfect day: four at bats, four Ks. (This is a guy who finished the season at .330 with 34 homers and 105 ribbies and an OPS above 1.000. He finished just below Randy in the MVP balloting!)
  

  This is my favorite stat from Randy's 1995 season: lefties got 11 hits against him that year. That's not a misprint. Eleven hits. In a year. In thirty games. Lefties batted .129 against him in 1995, with no homers. And you have to realize that only the best lefties got to bat against him at all!
  

  
  
• The three years from 1995-1997. Randy won 43, lost 6. 'Nuff said.
  

  
  

• The four years from 1999-2002. The D-backs signed him as a free agent. First four years: four Cy Youngs. They seem to have gotten their money's worth.
  

  
  

• The entire 2001 season. Randy set the strikeout/inn record which still stands, and he won yet another Cy Young. Those are not the key facts. Prior to 2001, the rap against Randy had been that he folded in the post season. Not this time. He went 2-0 against the Braves in the NL championship, and won three games in the World Series. The only case I can think of where a pitcher won the spotlight wire-to-wire was Matty's famous 1905 season, when Big Six won 31 in the regular season, the topped it off with a perfect World Series: three starts, three shutouts!
  

"I think I'm doing very well, I'd normally have had six shots by now. Today I've only had two."

Reminds me of a poem by my favorite roadside poet.

Our girl Lily
Undressed at sea
Then went ashore
And stripped some more
... B. Shave

That won't be easy to accomplish, since Slater blew himself up at the end of #1.

I wrote back in 2003 that Ichiro was the most likely modern player to challenge DiMaggio's streak. Two reasons:

• Hits per plate appearance. Like DiMaggio, Ichiro does not collect a vast number of walks. Hit streaks are almost impossible for many of the best hitters in history because they walk a lot, and in terms of a hit streak, a walk is the same as an out - it is a plate appearance without a hit. Ichiro and DiMaggio, with 50-60 walks a year, are likely hit streak guys, while Ted Williams and Barry Bonds are not, given their monstrous walk counts. The year that Barry Bonds batted .370, he only got a hit in 25% of his plate appearances. In comparison, Ichiro in 2004, with about the same batting average, got a hit in 35% of his plate appearances, and that's actually far better than DiMaggio's 31% the year he had his streak.
  
• Plate appearances per game. Most modern players have a hard time competing with DiMaggio because they can't match the number of times the Clipper came to the plate in each game during the high-scoring period between the wars. Ichiro, however is an exception because he bats lead-off, which typically gives him more appearances per game (4.73 in 2004) than DiMaggio got in 1941 (4.44).
  
• Games played. Ichiro rarely misses a game, thus giving him the maximum number of opportunities in a year. Obviously, one cannot achieve a 56 game hitting streak in a 55 game season. The more games, the more chances. Ichiro played in 161 games in 2004, giving him 106 opportunities for a 56 game streak. (Games 1-56, 2-57, etc) In comparison, Dimaggio played in only 139 games in the streak year, thus giving him only 84 possiblities.
  

If you're good at math, you'll see instantly that Ichiro was actually far more likely to achieve a 56 game streak in 2004 than DiMaggio was during the year he actually did it.

• Ichiro got more plate appearances per game: 4.73 to 4.44
  
• He got more hits per plate appearance: 35% to 31%
  
• He got more opportunities: 106 to 84.
  

In fact, Ichiro was far, far more likely to hit in 56 straight! Of course that doesn't mean much because (2) it's still highly unlikely; and (2) the fact remains that DiMaggio actually did it, despite that fact that the odds were stacked heavily against him.

And stacked they were. If the Clipper came back to life on the field of dreams and replayed the 1941 season an infinite number of times with the exact same number of at bats and hits and games played each time, he would achieve a 56-game hit streak only once every 7500 years! DiMaggio's streak is the nearest thing we have seen to a real miracle. As I'm sure you know, nobody has ever come close to it. The second longest streak is Rose's 44.

Look at it this way: in the history of modern baseball, there have been exactly twelve 45-game hit streaks, and Dimaggio has all twelve of them!! (Games 1-45 of his big streak, games 2-46, games 3-47, and so forth.) There have been exactly eleven 46-game streaks, and Dimaggio has all eleven ... and so forth.

The truly incredible thing is that Dimaggio came within a hair's breadth of a 73-game streak. After he was robbed twice in game 57 by the deft fielding of Kenny Keltner, Joe D proceeded immediately to another 16-game streak. On the field of dreams, a 73 game streak would occur only about once in every million replays of DiMaggio's 1941 season! Imagine that. He nearly pulled off a once-in-a-million shot. Of course he DID pull off a once-in-7500 shot, which is pretty durned amazing in itself.

By the way, the season most likely to produce a 56 game hit streak was George Sisler's 1922, when he had 246 hits in 142 games. The odds against Sisler hitting in 56 straight were "only" about 75-1 that year. (The odds against DiMaggio were about 7500-1 when he actually did it, as indicated earlier.) Sisler actually did hit in 41 straight that year.

Trivia: Ken Landreaux had a 31 game hit streak in a year when he batted .281 with only 4.05 plate appearances per game! Think that's unlikely? Even at that, Landreaux's streak of 31 was four times more likely than DiMaggio's streak of 56 because it's just damned hard to reach 56, no matter how good you are. You need a lot of plate appearances per game, and you can't draw a vast number of walks, and even if you meet both of those qualifications, it's still next to impossible.

And he pretty much won the game himself, with 3 for 3, a dinger, a walk, and 3 of the Twins' 4 RBI.

Strange team, the Twins. They have some spectacular talents in Mauer and Morneau, age 26 and 28, who both finished in the top four in last year's MVP balloting, but the team struggles to play .500 ball.

"Satellite images picked up huge red-brown stains on the pristine white sea ice."

(This is the "living painting" exhibition which was parodied on Arrested Development.)

Whoa! There's an upset. The smart money was saying he was going to hand the entire country over to Hugh Grant.

"As per York Dungeon bosses, the Norsemen were largely Redheads, and fair-haired people descended from Saxons-the invaders' enemies."

So if I understand this theory right, the Irish were vikings, and the Norwegians were the enemies of the Vikings. Check!

Actually there are many, many redheads in Denmark, lending some credibility to this otherwise dubious proposition.

That must have been the slowest border crossing ever. My grandfather was a tortoise herder (or a "turtle boy," as they were called.) He told me that a long, grueling turtle drive could take six months. And that was just getting them from the house to his car.

And that's assuming there were no rustlers to deal with.

Reminds me of the theme song from the most boring TV show ever:

Crawlin', crawlin', crawlin'
Though the kids are bawlin'
Keep them turtles crawlin'
Shellhide

The Red Sox outfielder is the #1 vote-getter among AL outfielders. The overall leader among all positions is Evan Longoria, which is a tremendous breakthrough for the young man, because he's doubling A-Rod at third base, and A-Rod is usually the top vote-getter.

The competition is mighty stiff at 1B, where Miguel Cabrera is fourth - despite hitting .355!

If the voting were to end today, six of the eight AL starters would be 30 or younger, with only Ichiro and Jeter to represent the old guard. So far there are no cases where an older, fading star would be awarded a spot undeservingly, anthough Griffey is close to Ichiro for the fourth OF slot.

Most of these are boring photos, and the wax figures are third-rate ... but then you come to the one of Bill Clinton, and the whole link becomes worthwhile.

The one of Nicole Kidman is actually a good likeness. In fact, it looks more lifelike than the real Nicole Kidman.

Land of the Lost and The Hangover should take the #2 and #3 spots, but are not expected to usurp Up from the top slot, the latter because of a hard R rating, and the former because it sucks. My Life in Ruins may sneak onto the bottom of the list, but is not in enough theaters to have any serious impact.

This week we have two wide releases (3000+ theaters) and one 'tweener (1100 theaters). The wild thing is that there is no gray area this week. One of them is currently sitting at 100%, the other two at 0%.

• Hangover. 3200 theaters. 100% positive reviews. Summary: "Proudly inappropriate and buoyed by both a clever script and some obvious chemistry between the film’s male leads, director Todd Phillips’ comedy will play like gangbusters with men and may even attract some women who know and love knuckleheads."
  
• Land of the Lost. At least 3300 theaters. 0% positive reviews. Will Ferrell's comic take on the famous and trippy Saturday morning grade-Z TV series. One reviewer opined: "There should be criminal penalties for wasting $100 million on a movie this dreadful." Another called it "bland and laugh-free." Will Ferrell's once-promising career seems to have been sucked into the same vortex that transported our heroes to the distant past.
  
• My Life in Ruins. 1100 theaters. 0% positive reviews. The latest from Nia Vardalos. Call it My Big Fat Greek Life. Typical comment: "The film has the feel of a vaudeville show, with a series of stock characters entering and exiting, hamming for the camera as they go."
  

Somebody needs to make this movie! DiCaprio as Lenin. Penn as Trotsky.

Maybe Madonna as Stalin. They don't look exactly alike, but she has the right personality

... and the right moustache.

And also, probably coincidentally, Marvin Hammlisch's 65th birthday.

I'm going to wait and celebrate Whores Day next year, when it happens to fall on Take Your Daughter to Work Day.

By the way, I wasn't kidding about Hammlisch. Marvin Frederick Hamlisch (born June 2, 1944) is one of only two people to have been awarded an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar, a Tony, and a Pulitzer Prize. (The other is Richard Rodgers.)

Today is also the 65th birthday of the worst would-be quarterback in history, Garo "I keek a touchdown" Ypremian. Garo couldn't throw the ball, but he could "keek" it pretty damned good, and was a key component in the Dolphin's famous 17-0 season.

Sigh. Two famous war babies join the ranks of the senior citizens. Memento mori.

"And there’s the end of the American automobile industry. When it comes to dull, practical, ugly things that bore and annoy me, Japanese things cost less and the cup holders are more conveniently located."

Norm is not always funny, but always fearless. He went on one show a couple of days after that crocodile guy was killed, and he pointed out that people were in error for talking about how young he died. Seems 40 is actually ancient for a guy who swims with crocodiles.

The Big Train was able to generate tremendous velocity by throwing sidearm, with his arm fully extended and whipped around by a big hip turn. You would not mistake him for many other pitchers. Given his results (many rate him the best pitcher ever), it's surprising that so few people copied his technique.

Well, I've timed this moment perfectly. I'm on a last place network, I moved to a state that's bankrupt, and tonight's show is sponsored by General Motors.

A lot of people have been asking me, "Will your show be any different now that you've moved to Los Angeles?" I tell them all, "No. Mi programa no va a cambiar porque estoy en la ciudad de Los Angeles."

This is a huge night for me. I remember watching Johnny Carson when I was a kid and thinking, "That's what I want to be when I grow up." And I'm sure right now somewhere in America, there's a little kid watching me and thinking, "What is wrong with that man's hair?

I think they've built us a beautiful studio here in Los Angeles. This studio holds 380 people. It's exactly like being at a Clippers game.

"There were some tense moments yesterday here in Los Angeles with President Obama. A female reporter -- you probably saw this on the news -- [was] carried, kicking and screaming, away from Air Force One after she insisted on handing President Obama a letter. They picked the woman up, forcibly, [and] carried her away. Same thing they did when Joe Biden tried to get on the plane." --Jay Leno

"President Obama was here in Los Angeles this week to bring his message of change to Hollywood. And, really, is there any place in America that loves change more than Hollywood? The place that brought you four 'Terminator' sequels, 10 'Police Academy' movies and 29 'Star Trek' films. This town runs on new and innovative ideas." --Jay Leno

He came off the DL for precisely one inning. In his first full year as a starter, he was a spectacular 17-6 with more strikeouts than innings pitched. This year he is 4-2 with an ERA slightly above 4.

In Prior's first full year he was a spectacular 18-6 with more strikeouts per innings pitched. He followed that up with a 6-4 season, with an ERA slightly above 4.

Let's root for Edinson's ability to end that parallel, because Prior, who is still only 28 years old, is probably now working as a Wal-Mart greeter.

"the bathroom items from the former MLB stadium are not available for sale." I believe that means that the Yankees are pissing on their fans. Or on the urinals.

Even more if you want him to practice big words.

Back when I was in college and would occasionally burn one, I found Colonel Bleep ecstatically funny.

The critics are anointing this as the funniest film since ... Andrei Rublyov.

Unluckier than Guy Richie?

"Television company talkbackThames released a statement offering her 'ongoing support' amid newspaper reports that she had run amok backstage after her loss, shouting: 'I hate this show.'
Boyle also allegedly threw water over a floor manager who tried to calm her down."

"The Early Report features the most detailed listings on the Internet of all films scheduled to be released in the upcoming four weeks, including actual and estimated screen counts, running times and ratings. This week's report covers 47 known new movies opening in theatres between Wednesday 6/3/09 and Friday 6/26/09, plus dozens more titles expanding their runs during this timeframe."

Clinton has mended fences with many of his bitterest enemies from the 90s, including the ultra-conservative editor of Newsmax, who is a close friend.