Yeah, I know you're all sick of Jacko by now, but this is pretty cool. A 30-second video of Jacko dancing, played in reverse.

Running with the bulls - and swimming with them!

And he announced it in the forum used by most serious candidates: Playboy.

I'm all for it. I was just thinkin' the other day that we need more condescending, foul-tempered hotheads in congress!

L. A.'s incredible outpouring of love for the late Jeff Goldblum

Who could have known there was so much love for the tall, fast-talking actor?

It's a real circus out there, as shown by this stock footage picture of some elephants.

I swear I did not make that up. I believe he did this intentionally. Newt has been a critic of the American educational system, and is obviously trying to prove his point by showing that a man can earn a Ph.D. in America without achieving even a rudimentary grasp of the English language.

I keep reading about these pirate-killing cruises, with references to "several reliable media sources." Only one problem. Those media sources all appear to be wrong. The source page is a joke web site, and a pretty obvious joke at that, but it continues to get reported as fact, in the internet equivalent of repeating one of those "I heard it from a guy in a bar who heard it from his Uncle Ike, who saw it on TV in the Netherlands" stories.

There was an even more spectacular example this weekend of the internet's ability to misreport. I read somewhere about Gov. Palin having resigned because of upcoming ethics indictments. At one point, Google was returning the top story with "9000 related articles." I tried to find a credible one, looked at maybe 50, and every single one of them was utter bullshit. The supposed ethics problems were the same ones that were widely reported (and went nowhere) during her VP run, and the FBI even said outright that there was no such active investigation. Everything traced back to one blogger in Alaska who quoted a supposed inside source, and that ballooned into a story. Turns out that the inside source was just speculating (and rather ignorantly, at that).

Then, to make the irony truly delicious, the same people who treated Palin unfairly got all huffy and condescending when she accused the media of treating her unfairly, even though they had just proven her 100% correct!

"We don’t kid when we say there’s actually a urologist named Dr. Alden Cockburn and an OBGYN named Dr. Harry Beaver. But our award for the most unfortunately named doc on the internet has to go to this unfortunately named pulmanologist. Even better is the part of his listing that asks, 'Are you Jack Kanoff?' Why yes we are!"

He faced 28 batters.

Cincinnati's starter, Johnny Cueto, gave up nine earned runs before he was pulled - in the first inning. His ERA went up nearly a full point. The next batter, Chase Utley, promptly greeted the reliever with a homer. Ryan Howard made two of the team's three outs in that inning.

(The main point actually being: Mena Suvari's butt on display.)

If by "different" you mean "terrifying."

Megan Fox is evil in this horror comedy.

I don't see why not. Goldblum's ghost seems to be making even more appearances than Goldblum did in life.

"At the Kennedys' Palm Beach estate during Christmas 1964, socialite Mary Harrington saw Jackie sunbathing topless, with Bobby kneeling at her side. 'As they began to kiss, he placed one hand on her breast and the other inside of her bikini bottom,' Harrington recalled."

The Congressman says the media should stop giving so much coverage to a "pervert" and "pedophile" and "child molester" and recognize the really important people in America, like opportunistic congressmen who speak like 1930s gangsters.

According to Pew research, about 2/3 of Americans agree with King's overall contention that Jacko coverage has been excessive.

"Ah, the crime of a simpler time.

When the prisons were filled with hardened criminals with fresh haircuts in striped pajamas. Men who actually used the word "see" at the end of every sentence as in "stick 'em up, see?" Men who didn't need to break out of prison because it was so easy to serpentine your way out. Men who referred to their dames as "sister" despite being unrelated. Men with tough yet laughable names like Melvyn and Homer. Men with Chipmunk names like Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.

Ah, those were the days, when folks robbed banks instead of the other way around.

Christian Bale returns to the big screen after a long absence of two weeks as Purvis, doing his best Matthew McConaughey accent. 'I'm imitating McConaughey because I want to prove to Hollywood that I, too, can be cast in romantic comedies opposite Kate Hudson,' said Bale. 'Assuming there's a sequence where I beat the living Hell out of her.'"

His first great sin was that he, unlike his colleagues, was smart enough to know better. He did not have enough of a conscience to know that many American actions in Southeast Asia were morally wrong, but he had enough of a brain to know that the conflict was unwinnable, yet he advised LBJ to send American soldiers to fight there anyway. He also went along with the bombing although he knew it had no chance to create a victory. All of this he admitted later.

His second great sin was that he could have done something but didn't. He was influential and trusted. He called the shots.

Robert McNamara may have created the America we know today. McNamara was, in essence, the architect of what we now look back on as "the sixties" - the protests, the cultural revolution, an entire generation disillusioned and mistrustful of a governmental system they had believed in when they were children, a system that their forebears had toiled and sacrificed to create, a system which once shone so brightly that it restored light to a world darkened in the shadow of the Axis.

Perhaps that loss of faith was a good thing in the long run, because people should have a healthy skepticism about their government, perhaps even a deeply cynical mistrust, and Americans had been kind of a naive lot before McNamara came along. But America's self-awareness was achieved at a very high price. In addition to your uncles and fathers, some four million Vietnamese, Cambodians and Laotians died in McNamara's war - for no reason.

And he knew better.

That is his legacy.

"Rihanna spent the Fourth of July at Tao in Vegas with some mystery dude who is reportedly her new lover, and she did it essentially topless, but don’t get too excited. That star over her nipple is what she wore, not something I did with photoshop to make these safe-for-work. It’s part of the picture."

Some are not so old and some are not so amazing, but the hidden treasures in this collection make it worth a look.

Don't panic. They're just going to swap his with Jeff Goldblum's. What could go wrong?

This is the first time I can recall a tie for the #1 spot. Of course, these are estimates. One of them will win when they get down to the exact dollar.

The new releases came in about 10% below expectations, and last week's films dropped rather precipitously (57% and 61%), which was not completely expected, so the cumulative total was slightly below last year. The percentage difference between this year and last was in single figures for the seventh time in the last eight weeks!

Angelina Jolie's mom was as beautiful as her daughter.

But a lot less talented! Below see Marcheline Bertrand, mother of James Haven and Angelina Jolie, as she appeared in a short film directed by Ramon Menendez around 1980. It was called Borderline.

Fortunately, Angie inherited her father's acting ability and her mother's looks. How different her life would be if it had been the other way around.

"Rhino horns are used in traditional Chinese medicine; it is pretty much the basis for westerner's views on the subject. And most of us think that throngs of Chinese men are downing ground up rhino horn to get their dongs hard or get "women in the mood." Turns out we are wrong, but the truth is no less retarded. It seems that the Chinese prescribe ground rhino horn to prevent fevers and convulsions. Their medical industry is, in hindsight, largely rhino horn-oriented."

In your face, Kobayashi. Literally.

Jeff was, as I guess you all know, the king of pop.

Hereinafter (or henceforth, as the case may be), I am going to do you the favor of penetrating the media's secret code. Whenever they announce a Goldblum tribute, they tend to mask it with a pseudonym like "Michael Jackson" or some such generic thing. I guess they do that to keep the venues from being swamped with Goldblum fanatics. I'm simply going to dispense with the pseudonym and report the Goldblum tributes as they occur.

Missing from the list: Carlton the doorman.

America's birthday is normally a happy and festive occasion, but the gaiety is muted this year by the solemn funeral of Jeff Goldblum, whose tragic loss has saddened not just our country, but the entire world.

Especially New Zealand.

No runs allowed, three hits, nine Ks. The Giants pitching staff has thrown four shoutots in their last seven starts. Lincecum started two of those games, that Sadowski kid started the other two. The rest of their staff is The Big Unit, Barry Zito and Matt Cain. That is some sweet pitchin' right there. (Although Zito has been having his troubles.)

They must have some serious server capacity. That would be the equivalent of about 12 billion hits per day - approximately twice the population of the earth.

As expected, it was a photo finish between Ice Age and Transformers. Transformers also passed Up and Star Trek to become the top film of the year so far.

"On Independence Day, Americans are probably feeling something approaching national pride. So we thought we'd take a closer look at the national anthem, that creepy ritual of bland patriotism."

And poor Jeff Goldblum? Sawed in half and buried in a Hefty Lawn and Leaf bag.

No, not tulips or marijuana. Prostitution!

And yet, nothing for Jeff Goldblum! Not even a stinkin' cuckoo clock.

Regarding the statues, the organizer boasts: "There are just 19 of them in the world and two in Europe"

Literate, amusing article:

"In its heyday, Brit sex was about the action — Lord Lambton’s three-in-a-bed bi-racial sex romp; Harvey Proctor’s industrial-scale spanking of rent boys; Max Mosley’s Nazi bondage sessions, with a fine eye for historical accuracy and the orders barked out in surprisingly accurate German; Stephen Milligan’s accidental auto-erotic asphyxiation while lying on a kitchen table wearing fishnet stockings . . . With the exception of the last ill-fated foray, there was an insouciance to these remarkably specialized peccadilloes. By contrast, American sex scandals seem to be either minor campaign-finance infractions — the cheerless half-hearted affair with an aide — or, like Governor Sanford’s pitiful tale (at least as recounted at his press conference and as confirmed by the e-mails), a glimpse of loneliness and social isolation."

"We have the governor of South Carolina resorting to subterfuge worthy of one of those Mitteleuropean operettas where the Ruritanian princess disguises herself as a scullery maid to leave the castle by the back gate for an assignation with a dashing if impoverished hussar garbed as a stable lad. Perhaps some enterprising producer would like to option a Carolinian update of Prince Bob, the hit of the 1902 theatrical season in Budapest, in which the eponymous hero, a son of Queen Victoria, escapes 'the bubble' of Buckingham Palace by getting out on the streets and wooing a Cockney serving wench."

Ya gotta love lawyers and their shenanigans. This statement, while true enough, is tantamount to a lawyer issuing a statement proving conclusively that his client couldn't have killed anyone on Tuesday, when in fact the client was accused of Monday and Wednesday murders. Clemens was never accused of using in 2003, and his mediocre performance indicates he probably was not. McNamee's accusations cover only two periods: (1) the second half of 1998; (2) the period from mid-2000 until the end of the 2001 season.

McNamee's testimony alleged that Clemens, after experiencing a rough start in 1998, was juiced in the second half of 1998, his last year with the Jays. Clemens is not accused of using steroids in 1999 or the first half of 2000, during which time he was with the Yankees, was separated from McNamee, and had a major decline in performance. McNamee joined Clemens in New York in mid-2000 and claims that Clemens was juicing again in the second half of 2000 and all of 2001. Whether that is true or not, Clemens did experience a tremendous resurgence. McNamee and Clemens were separated after 2001, and Clemens then had a major decline in performance. In 2001 the Rocket won the Cy. In the 2002-2003 era, he got no votes at all in the Cy balloting and had an ERA above 4.00 for the period.

I detailed Clemens' 1998-2001 performance and its correspondence to McNamee's accusations here.

The other suspicious period in Clemens' record is 2004-2005, when he had another spectacular comeback. After his two mediocre years at the end of his Yankee run, he went to Houston. First year there: 18-4, Cy Young. Second year there: 1.87 ERA at age 42! This period, however suspicious it may be, is not covered in the McNamee testimony, and nobody has stepped forward to make any accusations about that time, at least not so far as I know.

"This is the last ground that Michael Jackson ever walked on! Perhaps his ghost is residing in this piece of earth!"

Current bids: none.

Generally tame, but one image is slightly unsafe for work.

I wonder if she knows the word for "sun." Why isn't she on True Blood?

"Moments after Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin announced her resignation from office, comedians from coast to coast held candlelight vigils to mourn what one comic called 'a devastating loss.'"

Helluva game. The Tigers went ahead with a run in the 14th, but the Twins matched it to keep the game going. Then the Tigers scored three in the 16th, but the Twins got a rally going and almost matched it again. They got Mauer and Morneau on second and third with one out, but the rest of the Twins line-up couldn't close the deal. Mauer scored on a ground-out, but a second grounder ended the game.

The Reds held a 3-0 lead going into the eighth. Three runs? How could Pujols make that up by himself? When he needs a grand slam, he gets one. The Reds came back to get one in the bottom of eight, tying the score, so of course Pujols had to knock in another run the next inning.

Goldblum died in New Zealand, which Palin can see from her back porch.

Since I write about celebs a lot, I don't get to write very many complimentary articles, since most celebs are either half-wits or self-centered douchebags or both.

However, Johnny Depp is not only a dedicated actor and a huge star, but is also a decent human being who does things like this all the time, and spends a ridiculous amount of time signing autographs and mingling with fans. And he doesn't issue a freakin' press release when he does it. Since there's nothing to ridicule in that sort of behavior, I'd normally only make a note of this kind of person when they die, ala Natasha Richardson, but Depp will undoubtedly outlive me, so I'm making an exception.

Now that I've embarrassed myself like a 9th grade emo, let's get back to ridiculing Lindsay Lohan and Hugh Grant.

This is a surprisingly serious article. The writing style is amusing, but it is actually a logical analysis of the pros and cons.

(With a great picture of a fan placing a mask on the tiny little coffin.)

OK, it's not really "tiny." I made that part up. The rest is true.

"A census of the swan population on the River Thames, will be conducted by the queen's official Swan Marker from July 20-24. (With the assistance of the Queen's Swan Warden.)"

"This year, the Swan Marker and the Swan Warden are particularly keen to discover how much damage is being caused to swans and cygnets by attacks from dogs and from discarded fishing tackle."

In a related tradition, they do the same thing with cats in October, as led by the queen's royal and ancient Pussy Warden, who is, if I recall correctly, Hugh Grant.

"Crystal Defanti, a 5th grade teacher at Isabelle Jackson Elementary School in Pleasant Grove, California sent her students off for the summer with a special DVD that she had created for them. The disk contained scenes that she filmed throughout the year that were meant to highlight their accomplishments and serve as a momento. Things turned decidedly ugly when she discovered that at the end of the little project piece was six minutes of footage of a very personal nature. It seems that she had used the disk previously to film a little sexual dalliance in the privacy of her own home. She is shown having sex on a couch. She apparently didn’t realize that it was there until after she dispersed the DVD to all of her 10-year-old students, who had taken it home to share with their family members"

You'll never recognize John McCain and Darth Cheney!

And it wasn't Liza Minnelli?

With some states, the correct choice is obvious. Kansas = The Wizard of Oz. Idaho = Napoleon Dynamite. Oklahoma = Oklahoma. Indiana = Hoosiers.

In other cases, there are so many choices, it's impossible to choose one. (Texas, Florida, California, New York)

I'd quibble with a few.

• Bull Durham was about a baseball team headquartered in North Carolina, and most of it was really filmed there, but it really could be set anywhere without changing the story. On the other hand, Nell is practically a love poem to North Carolina.
• Fried Green Tomatoes for Alabama? BZZZZZZ. Wrong answer. Four words: To Kill a Mockingbird.

Oddly enough, the authors could not think of any film appropriate for Wisconsin or Rhode Island. Any ideas?

One reader offered this list of substitutions:

• Arkansas = Sling Blade
  
• California = E.T.
  
• Florida = Cocoon
  
• Michigan = Road to Wellville
  
• Minnesota = Fargo
  
• Missouri = either Road House or Meet Me in St. Louis
  
• Nebraska = About Schmidt
  
• New York = The Godfather
  
• North Dakota = Leprechaun
  
• Rhode Island = Me, Myself & Irene
  
• Texas = Dazed and Confused
  
• Virginia = Remember the Titans or Donnie Darko
  
• Wisconsin = Someday they’ll make a Happy Days movie
  

Anna Paquin (I always thought she was a Kiwi)?? And Tommy Chong??? According to the article, man, Cheech and Chong first met in Canada, man.

In the public referendum, Klingon finished second and, oddly enough, Admadinejad finished third.

"It is also now a crime for adults to seek sexual contact with minors on the internet. A conviction for 'grooming,' as it is known, may result in a prison sentence of up to one year."

Now I ask you to think about what it was like in Sweden yesterday: Swedish was not the official language, and pedophilia was legal. As Yakov Smirnoff would say, "wadda country!"

"Russia closed down its casinos overnight as gambling was banned nationwide, a move the industry says could throw a third of a million people out of work."

I'm thinking there may be more than a hint of irony in these selections.

Don't count on this affecting a pennant race. He's just a prospect at this point and will probably head to the minors for instruction. His fast balls have been clocked at 102 mph, so he's obviously a GOOD prospect, but he has two major weaknesses: (1) his other pitches are mediocre; (2) he's an immature 21-year-old hothead.

Because nothing attracts readers to glitzy magazines like the stench of death.

(With pictures of the incident.)

And, of course, as in all things New Zealand, the naked body-painted corpse of Jeff Goldblum, who demonstrates what happens to passengers who do not buckle up.

And they say there's no justice in Moslem countries.

From the page:

"Lately I have been hearing the Bud Light commercials on the radio that feature the Real Men of Genius. I always thought thought that they were some of the funniest radio ads I had ever heard, so I thought I'd head to the Internet and see just how many there were and if there were any that I hadn't heard yet. Turns out there's like a million of these things. And they're all pretty much great... but here's the 40 I thought were the best."

What a voice - the kind to send shivers through you! Let us hope that he's not "so gol'durned lost, not even God can find him."(See musical clip below.)

Once again, I had no idea she was still alive.

Many of these I have never seen before: Brandon Cruz, for example.

Every player on every team will now be an all-star, and every one of them will get to play in the game.

"Let's also ban wheels, in order to save the horse industry."

"We are asking our members to send a strong message to Washington that this bill is wrong for America's energy future, and wrong for the virgin community," said Bret 'Aslan' Crawford, a spokesman for the Action Figure Collectors of America. "Power virgins, activate!"

I had no idea he was still alive!

"How best to pluck the exquisite Toothpick of Ramses from between a pair of acrimonious vipers before the demonic Guards of Nicobar returned should have held Indy's full attention, but in the back of his mind he still wondered why all the others who had agreed to take part in his wife's holiday scavenger hunt had been assigned to find stuff like a Phillips screwdriver or blue masking tape."

The Iowa state fair has a butter cow very year, but this year it's a butter cow and a butter Jacko. "Why?" you may ask. Because "Fair organizers say Michael Jackson gave two performances with the Jackson Five at the Iowa State Fair in 1971," and apparently they've never forgotten his sweet, buttery goodness.

"It's like if Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite had the lives of actual soldiers resting under his whim."

I see her point. She was going to invest in what she believed to be a commercially viable, entertaining film with sort of a Bull Durham vibe. Soderbergh wanted to remove all the quirky intelligence and entertainment and replace it with literal truth and gritty authenticity. Pascal feared it would end up as Solaris with mitts, playing to empty stadiums ... er .. theaters.

When gritty realistic movies are about certain subjects, they can make up in foreign markets when they lose in the USA, but baseball is not one of those subjects. It has no significant commercial appeal outside the USA. A successful baseball movie has to make its dollars in the States, and that means it has to be an entertainment picture.

Soderbergh's position shows that he has a lot of character ... and not one whit of business sense. I would have done the same thing in Pascal's shoes. If Soderbergh wants to make genuine, authentic non-commercial films, and God knows we need some of those from time to time, let him make them with his own money. (Or Mark Cuban's. Aren't they supposed to be tight?)