"If you want the best in life, sometimes you have to be willing to travel to the ends of the Earth to get it. A bag full of sand from Los Cabos won't magically replicate the experience of lounging by the Mexican surf -- no matter how many margaritas you have.

The situation is much the same with Earthbound observatories. Not every geographic location offers the same view of the heavens, and some of our more elaborate stargazing facilities are strictly one of a kind. So come with us now on a globetrotting journey to some of the most remote, awe-inspiring places you could possibly steal a glimpse of the firmament."

My favorite: Le Vin de Merde, or loosely translated, Other Crap Wine!

I wonder if Al Capone got double 800s on his GSATs.

I just realized that I'm dating myself. It would be triple 800s these day, wouldn't it?

This is actually kind of interesting. The police are countering Yakuza action by filing lawsuits, based on legislation that can make high-ranking gangsters fully responsible for the actions of their subordinates. Therefore, the higher-ups need to make sure that the lower guys know how to mind their p's and q's. In order to prep the lackeys properly, they give them training classes and written tests.

Most interesting to me today: a long film clip from a 1978 Italian softcore film featuring relatively explicit exposure from 21-year-old Maria Conchita Alonso. This movie was made only about a year after she ended her reign as Miss Venezuela. Prior to today, neither my archives nor Mr Skin's had any acknowledgement of its existence.

You can see sample frame grabs in today's "pic o' the day"

The usual weekly chart will appear tomorrow since the predictions were for the four-day weekend.

The new films got even weaker since Friday. All About Steve dropped farther behind The Final Destination. Gamer, which had been third on Friday, dropped behind Inglourious Basterds into fourth. Extract dropped from 7th to 10th.

How weak are this week's releases? On their opening day they couldn't even take the top spot from The Final Destination! The Bullock comedy and Gamer finished a close second and third. Extract, which actually had pretty good reviews, barely edged out the fifth weekends of "GI Joe" and "Julie and Julia," finishing a weak 7th.

As do I. Either that or corrupt warden at women's prison.

"A man causes $20,000 in damage to steal a $150 sex toy in Northern Ohio."

What a Wrestlemania event! McMahon needs to get his ass on this. In Demi's corner, her valet Ashton. In Perez's corner, Lady Gaga. It starts out with Demi kicking his ass, but Perez gets to the mic and talks tearfully about how it's never right to hit anyone.

Although I would rather see it settled in the same way I want all celebrity feuds to end - Thunderdome! Let Ashton stand in for Demi. Think about the ratings. Would you watch if there was an absolute guarantee that either Ashton or Perez would die? That might get a 100% rating.

Beautiful photos, but the page needs thumbnails.

"I ask you, would you order a Cinnamon Kiss in the presence of Chuck Norris? My point exactly. So pay attention, because these beverages are taboo for men."

A pretty good collection. With YouTube videos of Shatner, Nimoy, Data, Hasselhoff, Don Johnson, and more. (Although I would have chosen "Hooked on a Feeling" as the representative of the Hasselhoff catalog.)

Shatner and Hasselhoff are redeemed by having great senses of humor and a sense of their own campiness. The others? They were actually tryin'!

Another good one would have been Dellamorte Dellamore, aka Cemetery Man, which is not only weird, but is also entertaining and highly competent. It was probably the best zombie comedy before Shaun of the Dead came along. (7.4 at IMDb.)

Including the Other Crap favorite: Crappie World.

It's a fishing mag, not a nihilist tract for emo teens. On the other hand, "It's a Crappy World" will make an excellent attraction at Disney World when Disney decides to buy me out and join me to its Marvel properties. Uncle Scoopy and Doctor Doom present "It's a Crappy World," with special guest appearances by The Silver Surfer and the ever-crappy Alan Thicke.

"Italian actress Sara Tommasi walked the red carpet for the Venice Film Festival last night, but much more importantly she spent the day before walking around in a top that was completely over-matched as it tried to hold down her awesome tits."

ANGELINA JOLIE bares all for an on-screen lesbian romp as her raunchiest role is revived - in HD.

"This is the place where we may be able to possibly erect an aquatics center. We're hoping that within a century or two we'll be able to raise enough food to feed enough workers to move enough dirt to make a hole deep enough to contain an Olympic-size pool."

Who could have dreamed?

The bad news: Oprah is immortal.

"Remember the two Asian-American journalists who were held captive in North Korea and rescued by President Clinton. Well, they have finally written about their ordeal. The two of them said they were frightened, mistreated, and violated, and then someone told Clinton to leave them alone." --Conan O'Brien

"The healthcare debate is getting crazily intense. Yesterday during a healthcare protest, a fight broke out and a man got his finger bitten off. That's true. No one knows who started, but there's been an awful lot of stub pointing." --Conan O'Brien

He turns 27 next week.

Hey, that's damned old for a guy who fights gigantic wild animals and wears pink socks in public.

(He's actually 67.)

"In the class, The Living and the Un-Dead, students will watch zombie films, read zombie books and write a zombie research paper."

Best course title: "Radical Thought from Karl Marx to George Bush"

Hillary Clinton has vowed to end such antics, because she has no tolerance of animal house behavior.

As Bill well knows.

If Hillary goes over there, they better hide the ash trays.

Wait! Shauna Sand owns clothing?

"Hey Scoop,

I know I haven't posted to my blog in about two years, but I'm off on a new project. I got disheartened with my music lists when You Tube started yanking some videos I made over copyright issues. Plus, I decided that those lists should be more comprehensive.

Anyway, I'm doing movies now. I just finished watching 41 movies from 1966 so that I could do an informed and accurate top ten list. I'm also doing alternate Oscars. I just posted my picks for Best Supporting Actor and over the next few days I'll be adding the other acting categories, Best Director, and my top ten list. After that I'll have 46 movies from 1967 to watch and I'll be posting reviews and screencaps from each.

Leo"

He's now 3-0. He not only pitched well, but he also beat Lincecum! He gave up a leadoff homerun, then was in complete command the rest of the way, with 9Ks and no walks.

Lidge, of course, made it exciting. He came in to protect a 2-1 lead and allowed baserunners to get to first and third, but got out of the jam.

That freakin' guy is nuts.

But also kinda awesome!

Three wide releases this weekend:

• Gamer is a thriller set in a future in which video gaming involves controlling other people (volunteers from Death Row). 2500 theaters. The film was not pre-screened for critics.
  
• All About Steve is the latest Sandra Bullock movie. She's had a pretty good run, but it looks like her luck has run out. This one is running 0% positive reviews. One critic summed it up as follows: "All About Steve, an unfunny, annoying, badly written, badly acted comic fiasco, may be the worst movie in Bullock's career." Newsday wrote: "The film isn't merely unfunny and stupefyingly inane but a depressing waste of money, energy and time." 2000 theaters.
  
• Extract is Mike Judge's latest, starring Jason Bateman. Reviews are mixed. (60% positive so far, but Ebert and Berardinelli turned their thumbs down.) 1500 theaters.
  

He is not optimistic about the four-day holiday. He thinks Gamer will take first with a mere $16 million, with All About Steve finishing a close third in the $13m range. Extract, a Mike Judge film which is getting good reviews, is expected to finish a distant ninth.

"But now, Dick Cheney can't keep his mouth closed. He's really upset with the Obama Administration about the CIA torture probe. He said it's a huge mistake and we shouldn't be doing it. And then he went back to his mountain fortress to create a mate for his monster." --David Letterman

"In an interview, President Obama has said that picking up his dog Bo's poop is one of the highlights of his day. The interview was published in 'The Journal of Depressing Metaphors for the State of America.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Summer vacation's sadly coming to an end. Not for the Obama family. They just got back from Martha's Vineyard. And now they're going on another vacation to Camp David. Joe Biden is really excited for the car trip. He loves sticking his head out the window." --Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, ex-Governor Eliot Spitzer started work as a professor at New York City College, where he will teach a three-hour long political science class. Last time he did something for three hours, it cost him, like, 15 grand." --Jimmy Fallon

If you weren't aware of it, Teddy Ballgame not only fought in The Big One, but he later went over to Korea and did his thing there as well. And those were his very best baseball years. In the two years before WW2, he

• Hit .406 in 1941
  
• Won the triple crown in 1942
  

In the two years after he came back, he

• Won the MVP in 1946
  
• Won another triple crown in 1947
  

So you can see that these were not marginal years. Assuming no injuries, he would have put up more mammoth numbers in 1943, 1944, and 1945.

But there's more. In his two partial seasons when he was in Korea (1952 and 1953), he played a little and batted over .400 both years, with each OPS at 1.400+. Unfortunately he only got 101 at bats in that period (but hit an astounding 14 homers anyway).

Altogether, he missed out on some 900 at-bats because of Korea, and another 1500 because of WW2. That would have given him another 800+ hits (raising his lifetime total to about 3500), another 750 walks (raising him to about 2800) and another 170 homers (putting him within a hair's breadth of Babe Ruth at about 690). The 2800 walks would still make him the all-time leader, as would the 6300 times on base (by a mile - Pete Rose had about 5600.) Williams would also be the career leader in RBI.

Once again, the Dutch have caught O'Reilly in a web of total bullshit.

Billy O actually could have asked some Dutch people for the downsides of their permissive society. There are some, of course, and the Dutch try to discuss them openly, in their usual candid, no-bullshit way. Unfortunately, O'Reilly doesn't have a clue what those issues might be, and he did zero research.

As I pointed out the last time this came up, Amsterdam is a perfectly nice place to take your kids, and is quite safe for a city its size. It also has a great airport, plenty to see, and fun people who generally speak nearly perfect English and have a wicked sense of humor. The city is marvelous to walk in because there are so few cars. I really enjoyed every trip I made there, which included being alone on business, being with a girlfriend, and being with kids. There's something for everyone.

Jesus, I feel like I'm working for the Dutch Tourism Board.

The sad thing about this is that O'Reilly is not an uneducated man. He graduated from Harvard, fer Chrissakes, and should know better.

"It’s exactly as it sounds, butter that’s seasoned, battered up and deep-fried. For those counting, a stick of butter has 810 calories— before it’s deep-fried."

Oh, Western culture! Is there no limit to thy seductiveness?

I wonder what he thinks of "Porky's"

They've been looking for a better formula to replace the old Ebert/Siskel team. Perhaps Ebert/bin Laden would be a formidable duo. Although I'm not sure the format would work. You have one guy with an irrational hatred of conservative America, and you wonder if that would have too much impact on his opinions when he debates bin Laden.

"Forecasting death is an inexact science,”they say. Patients are being diagnosed as being close to death “without regard to the fact that the diagnosis could be wrong. As a result a national wave of discontent is building up, as family and friends witness the denial of fluids and food to patients."

They have very strict criteria. Their only other candidate: Heather Mills.

It's part of their master plan:

1. Increase European tourism
   
2. Impose massive fines for B.O. on public transit.
   
3. Profit
   

All kidding aside, the bill would make it illegal to "bring onto transit property odors that unreasonably disturb others or interfere with their use of the transit system, whether such odors arise from one's person, clothes, articles, accompanying animal or any other source."

His car was adorned with his State House license plate.

The good news: I think Massachusetts has found a true successor to Ted Kennedy!

I got kind of depressed thinking about Ted Kennedy recently. With him gone and Limbaugh still alive, it means only ONE of the major parties is championed by a morbidly obese substance abuser. It sort of removes the balance from our lives.

Maybe Artie Lange is available to lead the Democratic party.

"As of today, same-sex couples may now legally get married in Vermont. So finally, finally, after years of waiting, we'll get to hear these words out of Vermont: 'I now pronounce you Ben and Jerry.'" --Conan O'Brien

"A political group is urging Dick Cheney to run for president in 2012. It's a political group known as the Democrats." --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, the healthcare debate is raging. And yesterday, John McCain spoke to nearly 100 doctors and nurses. It wasn't a political meeting. It was McCain's annual checkup." --Conan O'Brien

"Hey, you know who's back in town? Eliot Spitzer. Former governor of New York Eliot Spitzer is back in town, and he's going to run again. He says he wants to spend less time with his family." --David Letterman

"In preparation for the swine flu outbreak, colleges all over the country are warning students to avoid kissing, drinking games, and using drugs. College students have reacted to the news by immediately getting the swine flu." --Jimmy Fallon

"Meanwhile, in New York, Governor David Paterson has been busy for the last couple of weeks trying to shave off his beard. And he did it. He did it with Gillette's new Seeing Eye Razor." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This makes Governor Paterson the first governor to get rid of his beard since former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey filed for divorce." --Jimmy Kimmel (Obscure joke. McGreevey was revealed to be gay.)

Hey, it must work. No sign of any moths.

This is a great collection of photos, but there is too much on one page and it loads very slowly.

"The Early Report features the most detailed listings on the Internet of all films scheduled to be released in the upcoming four weeks, including actual and estimated screen counts, running times and ratings. This week's report covers 36 known new movies opening in theatres between Wednesday 9/2/09 and Friday 9/25/09, plus dozens more titles expanding their runs during this timeframe."

I'm not sure, but I don't think it's part of the race.

(With picture of the fartalizer.)

With pasties, but still smokin' hot.

(TOTALLY UNSAFE FOR WORK or for good taste - but completely awesome! Bad acting, porn, satire - everything your body and mind need to stay fit and healthy.)

"In 2005, a fake trailer for Gore Vidal's Caligula was produced by artist Francesco Vezzoli for an alleged remake as a promotion for Versace's new line of accessories. It was a parody, "ostensibly [promoting] a film about a mad Roman emperor who sleeps with his sister, executes his critics and presides over a crowd of ambisexual extras dressed only in the occasional accessory." The trailer features Courtney Love as Caligula, Benicio del Toro as Macro, as well as Helen Mirren (making a guest cameo) as Tiberius. Milla Jovovich and Gerard Butler also appear as Drusilla and Chaerea respectively. Gore Vidal also appears as himself. The trailer screened worldwide, including a showing at New York City's Whitney Museum of American Art's 2006 Whitney Biennial."

"There was a minor earthquake in South Carolina. As a matter of fact, Governor Sanford, because of the minor earthquake, was actually knocked on to his wife." --David Letterman

"Jenna Bush -- talk about a great gig -- is going to be on the 'Today' show. They say Jenna will contribute about once a month. It's the same schedule her old man had." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama and his family took a vacation on Martha's vineyard and they're back. And the President now has asked all of the major networks for some air time tomorrow night to show his vacation photos." --David Letterman

"Did you see the picture of Barack Obama out bicycling with the kids? He's not wearing a helmet. I believe the President is the most prominent Democrat to go without protection since John Edwards." --David Letterman

"In a new interview, Dick Cheney says former President Bush ignored his advice to take military action against Iran's nuclear program. That's true. Bush also ignored Cheney's advice to attack Switzerland and Antarctica." --Conan O'Brien

"In Afghanistan, a presidential candidate named Abdullah Abdullah says there has been election fraud, and that he deserves to be president. Abdullah Abdullah said, 'They're going to hear from my lawyer, Shapiro Shapiro.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Big announcement at NBC. George Bush's daughter, Jenna, was just hired as a correspondent on the 'Today' show. The show said they wanted someone who would make Kathie Lee look sober." --Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's Top Ten Ways To Irritate Dick Cheney

• 7.Leave the lights on in the dungeon -- "You think I'm made of money?!?!"
  
• 5.Call him "Ricky"
  
• 3.Replace Lipitor with refreshing Mentos
  
• 1.Irritate Cheney? No, he's a pretty laid back dude
  

Along with Talk Like a Pirate Day, Steak and BJ Day, and Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day, this is how I like to mark the passage of time.

"After collecting the horns from the church at eight o'clock in the morning, the Horn Dancers comprising six Deer-men, a Fool, Hobby Horse, Bowman and Maid Marian, perform their dance to music provided by a melodian player at locations throughout the village and its surrounding farms and pubs."

Hey, round is a shape.

"The Hanging Houses are the most popular attractions of Cuenca, Spain. They are also known as Casas Colgadas. The history and exact origin of The Hanging Houses is unclear. Some believe they are of Muslim origin, while others say they are Medieval. Centuries ago, this kind of building was frequently seen throughout Cuenca, but nowadays only three Casas Colgadas remain, built in a cliff, above Huecar Gorge."

There's some trivia for you. The first domain name ever registered was symbolics.com. Fie full list of the first 25 includes some more familiar names, but only two common words: think.com and sun.com, neither of which was registered for its generic value, but because it was a corporate identity.

"Another internet whim – photoshopping pictures to make them seem old and taken on a Polaroid camera. Apparently, people like it a lot because it gives a certain charm to photos. I collected the best selection of these works, I hope you’ll enjoy it."

"Imagine a party so wild that people scream and hold each other up, while you have to step over piles of vomit. But this party isn't some kind of crazy college blow-out -- it's a ride on a commuter train. Fox 5's Andrea Day checked out an infamous evening Long Island Rail Road train that leaves from Hampton Bays. It's known for its wild and rowdy behavior."

Her face may look 45, but her body is still kinda smokin'.

My personal favorite "bad gimmick" was when Kevin Sullivan went out to the ocean and conjured a demon from hell (The Purple Haze) to be his partner in a tag team match against the mighty Road Warriors. Never mind that the Haze looked exactly like Sullivan's MIA partner, Maniac Marc Lewin, and later turned out to have a thick New York accent. That's not the good part. What was best about it is that they actually filmed the Haze rising out of the sea from the depths of hell (see the ritual below), so we were supposed to believe that Sullivan really was partnered with a supernatural power, the very spawn of Satan himself ...

And he still lost.

Just goes to show you Satan isn't what he used to be.

"All your base are belong to us."

Great segment!

Because who is more qualified to evaluate internet sites than the people who are going out of business because of the internet?

"California is trying very hard to get out of debt. I can't believe this. The government of California is holding a garage sale to raise money for the state. A garage sale, ladies and gentlemen. Now, folks, even if you don't really need anything, this may be your only chance to haggle with Governor Schwarzenegger over a $2 spatula." --Conan O'Brien

"Ladies and gentlemen, I didn't even realize this until this morning, Sunday will be the 16th anniversary of Paul and myself doing the show here at CBS. Sixteen. And that is assuming I make it past tomorrow's death panel interview." --David Letterman

"Celebrity birthdays, happy birthday John McCain, 73 years old tomorrow. And if you are looking for a gift, you can't go wrong with something from the Very Old Navy." --David Letterman

David Letterman's Top Ten Ways the Show Has Changed Since 1993

• 4. Dwindling amount of hate mail; burgeoning amount of hate e-mail.
  
• 1. Emmy Awards replaced with Fire Dave rallies
  

"With so many nominees next year, it’s feasible that a movie could have won Best Picture with only 11 percent of the vote, which seems crazy. So now, once the 10 nominees are named, voters will rank the films from 1 to 10. All the No. 1 votes will be counted, and if no film has more than 50 percent of the vote (which will certainly be the case), the last-place film will be eliminated and the voters who voted for that film will have their No. 2 votes counted instead. That process will continue until one film has a majority of the votes. As Pond points out, there is a chance that the film that ends up winning won’t actually have the most No. 1 votes, but will instead emerge the victor in the second, third, or fourth rounds. But I’d rather see that happen than have a Best Picture with a paltry 11 percent of the vote."

Scoop's note: I'm not sure who the author of this article is, but I know he was not a math major. It is, of course, still possible for a film to win Best Picture with 11% of the first-place votes. The first-place votes will still be the same as before, but now there will be other votes as well.

In fact, based on the above, it is now possible for a film to win Best Picture with less than SIX percent of the first-place vote, and for a film to lose with 49.999% of the first-place votes. Imagine this scenario: There are 100,000 ballots. 49,999 vote for choice A. 5,556 vote for each of B through G, and 5,555 vote for H through J. All voters list B as their second choice.

If you do the math for that scenario using the system described above, you will see that B will end up winning the Oscar with 5.556% of the vote, even though A got nine times as many first-place votes. (Well, actually 8.999 times as many, to be precise.) By the way, it doesn't matter who the A voters list as their second choice in that scenario, so they could not assure a win by dropping B down to tenth choice.

All of the above is based on supposition that the article has described the system accurately. I have not studied the actual rules of the system. Also, again assuming he has described it correctly (which seems unlikely given his other observations), there seems to be no reason at all why people would be asked to list choices three through ten, since only their second choices can ever enter into the calculation. That doesn't seem logical, although stranger ideas have certainly been conceived in human history. I will look at the precise rules when I get a chance.

"The news that Disney has shelled out $4 billion to buy Marvel comics means, for all purposes, the ownership of America's beloved cartoon characters is now in the hands of two companies — Disney and Warner Bros."

If one looks at Empire Magazine's list of the Greatest Comic Characters of All Time, 19 of the Top 20 now belong to either Disney or Warner. (To be fair, Empire's list underrated foreign characters like Asterix and Tintin, but still ...)

"Kristen Stewart is baring it all. The Twilight star will appear nude in an upcoming indie flick, "Welcome to the Rileys," also starring James Gandolfini."

They claim that the mother four home-schooled children vacated her seat because of her super-secret hobby: writing erotic fiction.

In the course of my long and debauched life, I have found that there are universal rules besides death and taxes, to wit: anyone who claims to be moral and upright is not; everyone who claims to know does not. There are decent people in the world, of course, but they live out their lives by doing good things, or at least the best things that our flawed natures are capable of. They may be Christians or some other deists or atheists, but they never preach why their belief system is better than yours. They just adhere to it within reasonable limitations. It doesn't matter whether it is a "conservative" with a religious belief system or a "liberal" with an absolutist secular credo. Show me a person who claims to have the answers, or who tells you why you should follow his/her belief system, and I will, with 99%certainty, show you a person who is either a hypocrite or a dunce. And with 100% certainty, I will show you a douchebag.