"Captain Burton was a completely crazy nutjob who had more adventures on his way to the bathroom in the middle of the night than most lesser humans manage to cram into a two-week vacation inside the stomach of a still-breathing whale. This author, soldier, adventurer, explorer, geographer, translator, linguist, fencer, duelist, anthropologist, and pretty much anything else you can ever think of –ist spoke a mind-crushing 29 different languages and dialects fluently, wrote 50+ books ranging in content and sanity from travelogues to erotic fiction, explored uncharted lands in India, Africa, and the Middle East, and was the first person to translate the borderline-pornographic content of The Kama Sutra and The Arabian Nights into English. He also had a gnarly attitude, a glorious beard, and a hot temper that drove him to kill more people than a Dirty Harry movie."

He said he was shocked, shocked to discover ...

Sammy is now a white man with green eyes. If he dyed his hair blond, he'd look at home playing an accordion and wearing a bowling shirt.

While the other half have been to Illinois or Louisiana, which make New Jersey seem as clean and wholesome as Norway.

A Christmas Carol may have coem in a little bit below expectations at $9m, but that's the kind of movie that can't be evaluated without Saturday results.

The Fourth Kind and Men Who Stare at Goats vied for second place in the expectyed range.

The Box came in far behind the other new films, as expected.

It's a new, darker take on Yogi, now known as Y.B. After all his years of crime, he finally gets caught stealing pic-a-nic baskets and gets put to sleep by the tearful park veterinarian. I have not read the script, but word on the street is that Boo-Boo snitches on Yogi, allowing Ranger Smith to catch Y.B. red-handed in the act of stealing human food, thus forfeiting his own life and allowing Boo-Boo to step into the #1 slot.

Everyone in the movie business wanted to play the emotional, Shakespearian death scene which is said to be virtually an express train to the Oscar station. The competition for the role was so strong that it oftentimes turned violent. Word has it that some of the also-rans (Pitt? Clooney? DeNiro? Jackman?) ordered a mob hit on Kenneth Brannagh when it appeared he would be chosen for the plum role.

In the intense supporting role as Yogi's tortured, heroin-addicted sidekick Boo-Boo, who yearns and schemes to be the top bear after years of second-class status, Justin Timberlake is expected to take home his own first Oscar.

Ranger Smith has not yet been cast, but Judi Dench's agent continues to argue that the role could add more dimension to the film if played by a woman, in the manner of Dench's role in the Bond films.

The film will be lensed in New Zealand, in the manner of Lord of the Rings, except "bigger."

I would add the underrated Porky's to the list. Even though it is a lowbrow exaggeration of my life, it is my life, and I knew all the characters and situations in that film.

I wish I could learn to take photos like this.

"Not a good night for President Obama. He lost elections in Virginia, New Jersey and not doing too good in Afghanistan either. In fact, political experts are calling this his worst setback since he tried that bowling thing." –Jay Leno

"Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, scolded Pakistan leaders for not going after Al Qaeda and just pretending that they didn't see a problem that everyone else in the world could see. Ouch. How about that, huh? Imagine, Hillary Clinton lecturing you on turning a blind eye to a problem that the rest of the world could see." –Jay Leno

"In his first year in office, President Obama has traveled to 16 foreign countries, more than any other president in history. Bush traveled to 11, but most of those were just different parts from the 'It's a Small World' ride." –Jimmy Fallon

(You weekly dose of new French cinema nudity.)

Great chest, though.

"A crippling idiom shortage that has left millions of Americans struggling to express themselves spread like tugboat hens throughout the U.S. mainland Tuesday in an unparalleled lingual crisis that now has the entire country six winks short of an icicle."

"There is a human being out there (probably a man) who decided that girls needed for some odd reason to wear these uncomfortable and extremely short shorts. I pray to that unknown person every day."

"Before going under Glenn asked the doctor to draw out the surgery procedure on a blackboard."

Presumably with lots of crazy lines pointing to George Soros!

Matsui pretty much won this one on his own, with six RBI. His OBP was .643 for the series, his OPS about 2.000. That earned him the MVP trophy in only 13 at-bats. He is now a free agent, so that performance will not hurt his case. He should earn a decent offer despite his age and his failing knees, but he will almost certainly end up a DH. I would think there would be some interest to see him join Ichiro in Seattle. The Mariners were 85-77 with an anemic offense, and might just take that division if they could come up with two big bats.

The Yankess just had too much in the arsenal. A-Rod was slumping, CC never won a game, and Pettitte had a 5.40 ERA, but they still won going away.

The Phils have to wonder "what if" they had given Pedro's two starts to J.A. Happ, who was their best pitcher during the year (.750 W-L, 2.93 ERA - even better than Cliff Lee), but rode the pines in the Series.

Poor ol' Ryan Howard. The big fella finally connected in the sixth inning, but he did set the Series record for most Ks, with 13. He needed to whiff in his last at-bat to own the record by himself, and by golly he pulled it off.

Hey, I know it won't be Casablanca, but I'm all in favor of naked chicks and paychecks for Eugene Levy and Booger. Be sure to click on "uncensored trailer."

"Bullock is trying to prove that she is a better parent for her husband's five year-old daughter, Sunny, than the girl's mother, 40-year-old Janine Lindemulder, who has just served six months in prison for tax evasion."

Well, let's see ... Sandra or a criminal porn star? I gotta go with Janine.

The Big Kahuna this week is Jim Carrey as Scrooge (and various other characters), which is expected to pull in some $36 million. The Fourth Kind and Men Who Stare at Goats are expected to finish a distant second and third with totals in the $12-$13m range. The Box is not expected to perform especially well, and is pencilled in for a weak 6th.

• For reasons unclear to me, Disney is opening the Jim Carrey version of A Christmas Carol this week, and it will be in a theater near you. In fact, it will be in every theater near you, and probably a few in Katmandu and Novosibirsk as well. 61% positive reviews, 3500+ theaters.

  
  

• "What if someone gave you a box containing a button that, if pushed, would bring you a million dollars…but simultaneously take the life of someone you don't know? Would you do it? And what would be the consequences?" That's the premise of The Box, a thought-provoking kinda sorta horror film starring Cameron Diaz. It's directed by Richard Kelly, the Donnie Darko guy. 2500 theaters, 55% positive reviews.

  
  

• The Fourth Kind is one of those conspiracy thriller thingies. It stars Milla. Unfortunately, it is rated PG-13, which means that it stars Milla for the wrong reasons. 2450 theaters, 38% positive reviews.

  
  

• Men Who Stare at Goats had some great buzz in the festival world. The A-list cast includes George Clooney, The Dude, Obi-Wan, and Kevin Spacey. 64% positive reviews, 2200 theaters.
  

Sean Penn's son a social misfit? Who could have dreamed?

An excellent source of debunking for common myths. Amazon's "search inside" feature works for this book.

If you aren't familiar with Custer's career, he earned quite a reputation in the Civil War. He still remains to this day the youngest man ever to win the ranks of Brigadier General (age 23) and Major General (age 25) in the U.S. Army, by his aggressive tactics in the War Between the States. He must have been genuinely impressive in that conflict, because he was considered important enough to be present in the courthouse at the Appomatox surrender, and was later presented the actual table upon which the surrender document had been executed.

Those lofty ranks he attained were wartime brevet ranks, however. If every dog has his day, the Civil War was Custer's. Before the war he was the dimbulb who finished last in his class at West Point. After the war ended, he went back to the rank of Captain, and never reached a higher rank than Lieutenant Colonel in the regular peacetime army. (He was still entitled to use the title of "General" in certain situations). In about a decade on the plains, he did nothing significant on the battlefield in the struggles against the Indians. His only memorable contribution to the army after the Civil War was his addition of a musical band to the 7th Cavalry, and his selection of the Garryowen as the official regimental air.

He was a fascinating character. I rambled on about him quite a bit in my review of Little Big Man.

In New Hampshire.

So it's still a good, American meatball.

We're number 1.

We're number 1.

We're number 1.

Good bookmark. It's just Google without the invasion of provacy.

I imagine a three-way with Tom Cruise and Xenu.

Tom Cruise and Xenu - another ideal tag-team for our celebrity tag-team douche-off (see below)! I wonder if Rosie O'Donnell has a partner yet. Olbermann might be available.

Get this: Gosselin and his girlfriend in a battle of words against Michael Lohan and Perez Hilton. Try to find the good guy in that line-up! If either team did celebrity wrestling against Glenn Beck and Gwyneth Paltrow, the audience would be cheering for the Beckster!

"The Obamas got into the Halloween spirit. They handed out dried fruit to 2,000 trick or treaters. And just like that, they created 2,000 more Republicans." –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House is more trick-or-treater friendly in this administration than it used to be the Bush-Cheney administration, when Dick Cheney would turn his wolfhounds loose on the kids." –David Letterman

"But the kids coming to the White House with their hands out ... and those were just the auto company executives." –David Letterman

"This weekend for Halloween, President Obama wore chinos, a white button down shirt and a crew neck sweater. Yeah. Apparently, Obama went as the whitest president in the history of the United States." –Conan O'Brien

"Here, of course, we celebrate Halloween. In Mexico they call it what? 'Day of the Dead,' where people believe the dead rise and walk the earth again. Or, as folks at Acorn call it, the 'Voter Registration Day.'" –Jay Leno

"So they've recounted all the votes from the first election in Afghanistan and congratulations to the new president, Al Franken." –David Letterman

"New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine said he's considering leasing the New Jersey Turnpike to help raise money for the state. He's going to lease out the New Jersey Turnpike. And of course, a lot of people are furious about this. Because, you know, parts of the Jersey Turnpike are considered a sacred mob burial ground." –Jay Leno

"Abdullah Abdullah just quit next week's runoff election against Afghanistan's President Hamid Karzi. Abdullah Abdullah said, he was just following in the footsteps of his role model, Palin Palin." –Jimmy Fallon

6300 passengers!

In other news, Roman Polanski ... (fill in lame joke here)

The star is about 13.1 billion light years away and sets the record for the farthest object in space to be observed. The find shows that stars were already forming 630 million years after the Big Bang, when the universe was about nine times smaller than it is today.

I guess $2.5 million isn't really cheap, but it is marked down from $5.6m.

In other news, Roman Polanski just cancelled his Saudi visa application.

"President Obama planted a tree on the north lawn of the White House this week, in a spot where Bush planted one that did not take. Apparently, nobody had the heart to tell Bush that his tree was actually a coat rack. 'I'm going to go water my tree!' 'Whatever you say, Mr. President.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, the health caree bill was introduced yesterday. It's 1,990 pages long and costs $894 billion dollars. Or $2.2 million per word. That makes them the most expensive words to come out of Washington since 'Mission Accomplished.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"This is a really weird story, political experts say that when former President Clinton traveled to North Korea recently, he may have met with an actor playing Kim Jong-Il, instead of the real guy. It's true. On the bright side, at least now we know what happened to Margaret Cho." --Conan O'Brien

This site also has some new galleries for Diane Kruger, Marissa Miller, and Jessica Biel - with copious nudity, of course.

Yeah, I had to look it up. The official lyrics from BruceSpringsteen.net

"If Jewel wants attention, and it would seem she does, she shouldn’t have posed for bikini pictures on Halloween weekend. If she ended up competing with hot girls in slutty costumes, she would get killed, and thx to sexy bitches like Kim Kardashian and Kimberly Phillips, that's exactly what happened. Jewel should have waited until someone died or something. Someone like Julia Roberts. So people would be sad, but not that sad. I mean, c'mon, who cares. On a day like that Jewel bikini pictures would seem quite nice. So there it is. The lesson is clear: we must kill Julia Roberts!"

Utley has tied the record for most series homers (5), and Howard for most strikeouts (12).

Utley was everywhere. Two dingers, a walk, a stolen base ... He is a candidate to become the best second baseman since WW2, but in order to do so he would have to become one of the twenty best players in history. That's a tall order. Of the top four second sackers of all time, two played in the deadball era (Eddie Collins and Nap Lajoie), and one more played in the 20s and 30s (Hornsby). The other is Joe Morgan.

Here's how Bill James' Win-Share system ranks the top four ("win shares" ranking among all players is in parens):

• Collins (9)
  
• Morgan (18)
  
• Hornsby (19)
  
• Lajoie (20)
  

Here's how the baseball encyclopedia ranks them ("player wins" ranking among all players is in parens):

• Lajoie (3)
  
• Hornsby (6)
  
• Collins (15)
  
• Morgan (20)
  

That group is a tough nut to crack, but Utley is certainly a decent bet to take the #5 spot from Biggio, given an optimal career trajectory. Biggio is in the top 40 of all time in win shares, although that seems to overstate his value, to say the least. He has 431 lifetime win shares to 426 for Christy Mathewson. (Cough.) Utley is around 150 in WS. Working against him is the fact that the clock is tickin'. He turns 31 next month.

By the way, did you know that Utley was 23 for 23 in stolen bases this year? I think that is the all-time record for most steals in a season without being caught. I'm doing this from memory, but I think Kevin McReynolds held the NL and MLB records with 21, and Paul Molitor still holds the AL record with 20.

Also, Kurt Cobain thinks Dave Grohl is a good drummer, and all the wisest men in history read Other Crap. (The dead can read in every language. Lucky stiffs.)

"People are even laughing at how I look naked. But I must point out it was a very cold day."

New York State police arrested Andre Stoltzfus, 17, on Friday after a family member tried to pass Andre's fake $1 bill. A one-dollar bill. One of them.

Total cost of the paper plus ink: $1.13.

You have to wonder how the clerk caught it. They don't really keep an eye out for fake one-dollar bills, so it must have been really bad, but I couldn't immediately spot the problem. Perhaps he had the picture of Neil Diamond facing in the wrong direction.

This is funny, but not for the reason you think. Why would that guy be robbing a bank? He had a freakin' spoon - thus making him the richest man in Poland, the man known to Poles as Good King Utensislas. He's lucky to have escaped with his life ...

and, of course, his spoon.

"Jessica Alba looked cute/hot as hell last night when she dressed up as Dora the Explorer for a Halloween party. Thank god she’s an actress and not a cop. If she wore this as part of some pedophile sting operation, LA would be a ghost town. Every single guy in California would be in jail. You could walk the streets like Omega Man, with all the buildings covered in vines and wild deer grazing on Sunset."

"Krusty Brand Imitation Gruel. Swap your traditional gruel out for this imitation with confidence. As the tagline suggests: '9 out of 10 orphans can't tell the difference.'"

The creator of this list put a lot of work into it, including a poll of those with expertise in the area. It is specifically about individual scenes rather than total performances, so an actress may have earned several places on the list from a single movie. (For example, Heather Graham has three of the top 31 scenes from Killing Me Softly alone - and another from Boogie Nights!) It's up-to-the-minute, so you will find some very recent scenes, like Jessica Biel's in Powder Blue. The link includes the torrent as well as complete list of the files from #1 to #300.

Note: unlike every other such poll I have seen, the winner was not Phoebe Cates removing the red bikini top in Ridgemont High. Can you guess which scene knocked Phoebe down to #2?

Ryan Howard continued his Ray Charles impersonation at the plate. He has already struck out 9 times in the three series games. The Series record is "only" 12! If the Yankees win the next two, Howard will hold the record for a five-game series even if he never strikes out again!

The crowd which supports the anal rape of children - a prestigious list, to be sure! The article focuses on 15 of the most famous.