"In one of the largest mass demonstrations in recent history, over one million women claiming to have had sexual liaisons with Tiger Woods marched on Washington today. Determined to show that they are a political force to be reckoned with, the coalition of nightclub hostesses, cocktail waitresses and lingerie models stopped traffic for hours as they marched to the Capitol."

"During an interview Tuesday on the 'Today' show, Michaele and Tareq Salahi, the couple who crashed the Obama administration's first state dinner, said the ensuing media firestorm has destroyed everything we worked for, but then they remembered they have never worked for anything." Seth Meyers

"The tea party nation announced last week that Sarah Palin will headline what is being called the first national tea party convention in February. It is expected to be the nation's largest ever gathering of misspelled signs." Seth Meyers

"Police in Texas seized a shipment of ecstasy pills this week shaped like President Obama's face. The drug is characterized by a brief powerful high followed by a long, slow comedown." Seth Meyers

"Police in Texas seized thousands of ecstasy tablets with pictures of Obama's face on them. Drug dealers chose Obama because the pills make you feel hope and change and then send you off to a faraway place." Craig Ferguson

"Oprah Winfrey will sit down with the Obamas at the White House for an Oprah prime-time Christmas special. For the taping there will be dozens of Secret Service guys, sharp shooters, bomb-sniffing dogs. And of course, Obama will have protection too." Jimmy Fallon

"Well, let's see. I'm trying to sum up President Obama's first 11 months in office. He gave billions to Wall Street, cracked down on illegal immigrants getting health care, and he's sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. You know something? He may go down in history as our greatest Republican president ever." Jay Leno

"This week, America's last living World War I veteran — a man named Frank Buckles, 108 years old — he said he would like to see a memorial in Washington, D.C. You know, when he gets back from Afghanistan." Jay Leno

"Well, here's a very bizarre story. People act strangely this time of year. In Toledo, Ohio, a man attacked a Salvation Army bell ringer, grabbed his red kettle, threw it in the back of his truck, yelled, 'I hate Christmas,' and drove off. Here's my question. What is Dick Cheney doing in Toledo, Ohio?" Jay Leno

"It's been reported that President Obama's speech on Tuesday about Afghanistan helped give NBC its best ratings in a long time. So look out this spring for NBC's new show, 'Afghanistan's Got Talent.' Conan O'Brien

This, for once, is an accurate and thoughtful list. The choices are excellent. I would add Lord of War and In Bruges to the list for sure, with an oddball longshot nod to Be Kind, Rewind.

That's down from 25

Dude, you know you're smoking too much pot when Tommy Chong stages an intervention.

The maximum penalty is three years in prison.

"Dancers, choreographers, massage therapists and bartenders have around a 40 per cent chance of experiencing a relationship breakdown."

Children named Frances and Shaun are the best behaved.

Other naughty boys include Tyler and Brad, as in Durden and Pitt.

Bill Clinton wasn't going to go, but ...

Yes, Tiger probably fucked your mom. Get over it.

As New Moon sinks into the West, the Sandra Bullock film rose to the top of the pack in its third week, and it won by quite a wide margin!

The three new films all finished below ten million, but Brothers put in a decent showing with 9.7 million, about 25% above expectations. Armored finished some 30% below expectations at $6.6 million, while Everybody's Fine was dead in the water in tenth place.

Up in the Air finished 13th although it was only in 15 theaters. The Princess and the Frog finished 16th in only TWO theaters! It only dropped 5% from last week, thus giving it two weekends in the all-time top five ranked by "average per theater." By the way, Up in the Air also made the all-time top 25 in this same category.

Somebody is harassing the Office Space star with ongoing hacks of his online presence, particularly (but not limited to) Wikipedia.

And it wasn't even a girls' FOOTBALL team. The footballers had the swine flu, and they had to send the chess team instead. Some of those chicks looked pretty beat up after the game.

Boise's national ranking is #6, and I for one would like to see them in a major bowl game. Jokes aside, while they do play a lot of pussy teams, they did beat #7 Oregon this year, fair 'n' square. Let's see how they fare against the big boys.

That's no mask! Turns out Nixon lied when he said "I am not a crook."

Not that we're surprised by that.

Nothing can stop a Nixon comeback. Even death itself is only minor a setback on the road which leads to our being able to kick Dick Nixon around some more.

Either that or the crook has seen Point Break too many times.

Now in its third weekend, the Bullock film is showing real "legs" and should manage first place for the entire weekend, beating not just its rival New Moon, but all the new films as well.

The only really positive news for the weekend is that two upcoming films had excellent trial runs. The new Clooney film took in $22,000 per theater, and the Princess and the Frog quintupled that with an astounding $116,000 per theater. Last weekend Princess took in $393,000 per theater - third highest of all time, behind two other mini-releases of Disney flicks. Princess and the Frog finished 18th in the country last weekend, although it was only in TWO theaters. (That's not a typo. Just 2 theaters in the entire USA. One NY, one LA.)

If you have to go with the platypus balls, I recommend them l'orange with a light Chardonnay.

If you're a football fan you've seen his incredible numbers. They are making a documentary film about him, and the excerpts actually contain some ancient amateur footage of him in a game.

Turns out Tiger was getting more 'tang than a thirsty astronaut.

EDUCATIONAL SPERM SNOW GLOBE

"Here's a gift that is both fun and educational for the youngster on your list. Basically, this is a snow globe, but when you shake it, instead of artificial snowflakes, there are artificial sperm cells swimming around. At least we hope they're artificial, because they're the size of tadpoles, so if they're real, we do not want to meet the man they came from."

"Jesus Christ, the Son of God, Savior of All Mankind, and current defensive coordinator at Middle Tennessee State, said Monday that He would not accept Notre Dame's 3-year, $5.6 million offer to coach the Fighting Irish."

Not one single good movie all year? Not one to excite both the aesthetes and the mainstream crowd? Someday we will be able to look back on it and laugh, as we now do about 1989, when Dan Aykroyd was nominated for an Oscar, and Driving Miss Daisy was the ... er ... Best Picture. Or maybe 1985, when Eric Roberts was nominated for an Oscar and Out of Africa was the alleged Best Picture.

Believe it or not, those weren't Oscar's biggest embarrassments. The Best Picture of 1952 was The Greatest Show on Earth, a hokey, insipid circus picture which mixed Hollywood actors with real circus acts and featured lots of uncredited "spot the celebrity" cameos, making it the Where's Waldo of Oscar winners. The sad thing is that 1952 was actually quite a good year for movies. Losers in that year's competition included High Noon (8.3, #126 of all time at IMDb), The Lavender Hill Mob (7.9), The Quiet Man (8.0), and Singin' in the Rain (8.4, now #75 of all time at IMDb). Singin' in the Rain received the harshest treatment of all. The legendary musical was not even nominated for the Best Picture statuette, and only received two quiet nominations in other categories, resulting in no wins at all.

Among all releases with 1000 or more votes at IMDb, The Greatest Show on Earth is now rated 37th in 1952. In 1985, Out of Africa ranks 51st. In 1989, Driving Miss Daisy ranks 39th.

"These pictures of homewrecker Rachel Uchitel, taken last summer in Malibu, presumably a few hours before getting Dorffed, show this young lady in a whole new light. Some girls are all stuck up and when you go to the beach they won't let you rub their breasts or stab at their vagina with your hands. Well la-di-da, pardon me your majesty."

... whatever that means. I think Kit Caboodle was a professor at that distinguished institute of higher learning, Kay Kyser's Kollege of Musical Knowledge.

I do know this. You should never assemble a partial caboodle. If you should do that, or encounter a small galoot, it would signify the end of the world, according to the Mayans. Those Mayans were so wise.

By the way, if you haven't done your Christmas shopping yet, consider the 2009 Mayan Celebrity Calendar, featuring me as the poster boy for the month of Zotz. For the budget-minded, save a few bucks and pre-order the 2012 calendar. That year costs less because it ends halfway through.

... as rated by someone who only saw these ten.

He expects Armored to be the best of the three new films (see info below), but to fall below ten million for the weekend, which would leave it limping into third behind the vampires and the Bullock film.

Brothers, a downer, is expected to be greeted with a distinct lack of enthusiasm in a season for feel-good films.

Everybody's Fine will probably meet the same fate as Brothers, crawling into the bottom half of the top ten.

Transylmania will get a limited roll-out and is not expected to crack the leaderboard.

There are three films in medium-wide release. Each of them is in about 2000 theaters, which means that none of them are expected to perform especially well. (Mega-hits get rolled out to 4000 theaters or more.)

• Armored. A caper film with Matt Dillon, Laurence Fishburn and Jean Reno. There are no reviews yet, but the "Reno rule" is negative. (Reno in sunglasses = good movie. No sunglasses = a loser.)
  
• Brothers. "Greek tragedy" from Jim Sheridan, actually a remake of a melodramatic Danish film about the aftershocks of war, starring Tobey and Gyllenhaal as brothers, with Natalie Portman as their mutual interest. 62% positive reviews, but only 50% from the top critics, although some of the latter were quite enthusiastic about the film.
  
• Everybody's Fine. This one is a remake of an Italian film. It's a PG-13 Christmas dramedy. 43% positive reviews, despite a strong cast. Robert DeNiro continues to race with John Cusack to see which can be the first to erase all of our previous positive feelings about them.
  

A fourth film will get a limited national roll-out: Transylmania, an R-rated parody of vampire films (which claims to have plenty of topless vampiresses). It is self-described as "a bubbling cauldron of wacky horror spoof, vampire action-adventure, and naughty college comedy," which translates into English as "an exploitation film which probably should have gone straight to DVD." No critics have seen this film.

That's Charlie's French cinema nudity site

(Satire from iowahawk - his version of Obama's Afghanistan speech)

It's essentially the same technique Sam Spade used to get info from sleazy bartenders, except with six more zeroes.

Honey, do you love me?

Er ... I ... can't seem to recall. (Holds out hand, scratches fingers with thumb.)

Maybe THIS (flashes $10 million dollars) will refresh your memory.

Yeah ... it's starting to come back to me, but I seem to have a mental block of some kind.

Why not think harder? (Flashes another $10 million)

"This Tiger Woods thing has had an effect on a lot of people. In fact, earlier today, Elizabeth Edwards went out and bought a new set of golf clubs." Jay Leno

"New reports on Sarah Palin's 'Going Rogue' bus tour. They say she's been traveling on private planes to various stops and then just hops in the bus at the local town. So, let's see what you got. You have Sarah Palin, who's no longer governor, who's promoting a book she didn't actually write by going on a bus tour which is not really a bus. Her big complaint? Politicians who aren't real." Jay Leno

"As you know, Afghanistan is strategically important to the United States because they control, like, 90 percent of the world's supply of rubble." Jimmy Kimmel

In order to do the study, the scientists had to compare the attitudes of men who watch porn to those who don't. Only one minor problem - there are no men who don't!

I don't see what Tiger did wrong with all those floozies. As the world's greatest golfer he should be playing at least 18 holes per day. By my count, that's at least six women.

Or it could be Nosferatu

His coffin had his right foot in, his left foot out, then his whole self in, and shaken all about.

USA! USA! USA!

The USA is now the fattest major country, and a US territory finishes first overall!

We're number one! We're number one! We're number one!

"The Early Report features the most detailed listings on the Internet of all films scheduled to be released in the upcoming four weeks, including actual and estimated screen counts, running times and ratings. This week's report covers 36 known new movies opening in theatres between Friday 12/4/09 and Friday 12/25/09, plus dozens more titles expanding their runs during this timeframe."

"Since it seems that Tiger Woods is well on his way to making this list with his complete failures at the basic tenets of cheating (voicemails: never a good idea), we at Guyism would like to offer him some reassurance. You're not alone, Tiger. In fact, it's been much worse. Here are the 8 most dysfunctional athlete relationships ever."

Always great to remember Rodman and Electra. Now THAT was a relationship.

"Let me be clear: I will not rest until I bring an end to my graft and backroom deal-making."

And not only that, he wants joint custody of their son, Zen Holistic Feldman

"Here's a sampling of some of the photos taken by the Florida Highway Patrol during the course of its investigation of the November 27 car crash involving golfer Tiger Woods."

It took her a while to figure out that she was gay. She was, like, 60 or something, and had been married three times. To men.

"Hey, it's Tiger. I need you to do me a huge favor. Can you please take your name off your phone? My wife went through my phone and may be calling you. So if you can, please take your name off that. Just have it as a number on the voicemail. Just have it as your telephone number. You got to do this for me. Huge. Quickly. Bye."

(Listen to it on the linked page.)

The lawyer for the defense objected to Jesus being on the jury in Diocese of New York versus the money-changers.

How long before the IPO?

In other news, enrollment is down at Berkeley.

"In an effort to improve New Delhi's image before the Commonwealth Games next year, the Indian capital is to launch a publicity campaign to stop people urinating in the street. 'Don't be su su kumar' ('Don't be Mister Pee') goes one of the catchy slogans."

This is giving me new insight into "Harold and Kumar"

(Actually, it's su-su which means pee. I think.)

"Today on Funny or Die we have a hilarious new video starring the always beautiful Rachel Bilson (The OC) and the always funny Adam Scott (Step Brothers). In this fake deleted scene from a movie called "Hearts of Palm," Rachel gets a bit hesitant about baring all for the camera so they bring in the best body double they can find."

"Did you hear about that uninvited couple who crashed the state dinner at the White House? Unbelievable. They even had their picture taken with Vice President Joe Biden, which is kind of radical because Biden was also an uninvited guest." Jay Leno

"Kind of an awkward Thanksgiving for John Edwards. I guess his relatives asked him to bring his favorite side dish and he showed up with a cocktail waitress." Jay Leno

"There's a new children's book that's coming out that features Sarah Palin as a hero. I don't want to give away the ending, but we finally find out who shot Bambi's mother." Conan O'Brien

This list definitely won't make the list of the top ten lists. If there are 101 such lists, it would struggle mightily to make the top 100, sneaking in only if one of the others has been assembled by Jessica Simpson! The New Yorker's critic has probably never left the NYU campus at any time except to go to self-consciously quirky little coffee shops where Bob Dylan used to sing for free in his salad days. For example, one of his alternate choices is a mumblecore film called Hannah Takes the Stairs, which is (appropriately, maybe generously) rated 5.6 at IMDb.

I wrote about this film:

"Here's how to make a mumblecore film: come up with a very basic outline of how you might spend your summer, or how you spent last summer. Get some friends to play the characters in that scenario: your boss, some co-workers, other acquaintances. Do NOT write out a script or any dialogue. Gather your friends together in an apartment with a digital camera and "role-play" various situations, using your kitchen as the office break room, your bedroom as the bedroom, your pool and a nearby park for the outdoor scenes. All the words will be improvised. It is unlikely that you'll come up with much that's interesting in this manner, unless one of your friends is Robin Williams, but just shoot a lot of footage on video. Unlike film, video is cheap. Some of your scenes will be better than others, so you can throw away the worst material and use the better stuff to string a movie together. Do not add non-diegetic sound or special effects. Go with reality. The result will probably not be either funny or dramatic, and it will certainly not be either artistic or entertaining, but it will reflect real life in ways that Hollywood never does, for better or for worse.

If you've been paying attention, you realize that mumblecore films are not very different from the home movies that your dad makes on family holidays. All well and good. Sometimes your dad comes up with some great stuff and it can be a lot of fun to watch those films. Most people watch them twice - once shortly after they are made, and then again many years later to laugh and reminisce and see how everyone aged. But the market for your dad's home movies is very small indeed, basically restricted to people in the films and others who know them. The same is true of a mumblecore film. If you know the people involved in making the film, you will probably enjoy seeing what they came up with. Otherwise, there are way better ways to pass 90 routine minutes of your life than to watch some random strangers pass 90 routine minutes of their lives.

Hannah Takes the Stairs is a mumblecore film. For all I know it may be the Citizen Kane of mumblecore. A woman just out of college has a job and a boyfriend. She breaks up with the boyfriend and takes up with first one, then another co-worker. She settles (temporarily, we presume) with one guy because both of them enjoy playing the trumpet poorly.

(SPOILERS)

They play the trumpet together while they are naked in the bathtub.

The end credits roll.

(END SPOILERS)

Now THAT'S entertainment."

Unknown to me until I saw these pics, Joshua "Pacey" Jackson is an item with Diane Kruger. Wait! Pacey and a former supermodel turned Helen of Fucking Troy? You go, boyfriend. You're truly an inspiration to the rest of us average guys everywhere.

Oh, yeah. the real point of this link is some pics of Diane Kruger in her bikini.

"The oldest living Yankee" has passed the torch to another. Henrich was part of one of the greatest outfields ever assembled. In 1941, only four American leaguers hit thirty or more homers, and three of them were the Yankees' outfielders. Henrich was in right, Charlie Keller in left. The center fielder? I think you know. Not a bad ballplayer. That very year he hit in 56 consecutive games.

That was the same year when Brooklyn catcher Mickey Owens dropped the third strike on Henrichs in what should have been the final out of game four in the World Series, thus giving the Yankees a second chance. They took advantage of it. It was a famous play that turned what should have been a 2-2 series into a 3-1 Yankee edge.

The three Yankees were 24, 26, and 28 years old that summer and should have kept up at that pace for another decade or so, but a couple of guys named Hitler and Tojo had other ideas. Just three years later, with our three heroes still young men, the Yankees' outfield consisted of Bud Methany, Hersh Martin and Johnny Lindell, whoever they were. The three greats would not re reunited until 1946, when all three finished in the top seven in the league in dingers. Sadly, that would be Keller's last year as a regular.

Henrich would go on to have excellent years in 1948 and 1949, when he finished sixth in the MVP balloting each year, but by then he was old in baseball years and would retire after the 1950 season, never having played for any other team. DiMaggio was also a career Yankee. Keller almost made it. He had 113 at bats with the Tigers late in his career, but was traded back to the Yankees for a single perfunctory plate appearance in 1952 so that he could retire in a Yankee uniform, where he belonged

"Having struggled to grasp the rule stating that force is equal to mass times acceleration, Vaughan's students would reportedly have been given an elegant case study in the concept were he still alive to describe the way his 1992 Mazda Protege lethally collided with a large oak tree late Saturday night."

"This sex was watching at me, spying on me, like a Gorgon's head. A jolt that emptied my head like a spoon scraping the inside of a soft-boiled egg."

It doesn't really seem fair to give him this award since, judging from the picture, he has never actually had sex.

"I consider my entire movie career a complete failure."

Very true - but the good news - the man is a helluva perceptive movie critic!

He KNEW that second coming wasn't a good idea.