You can fill in a friend's info, then e-mail them a personal request to join a vampire cult.

It seemed to work for Kirstie Alley as well.

If only New Orleans had been short of chihuahuas instead of housing!

The first rule of nacho fight club - feel free to talk about nacho fight club

The second rule: don't skimp on the melted cheese!

The most mysterious part of this report: "Henke was arrested on an outstanding warrant for delivery of a controlled substance." Would that be jalapenos?

"On Fox News, Ann Coulter said she's against body scans at the airport because terrorists will still be able to hide explosives in their anus. So finally Ann Coulter is speaking on a topic she knows something about." Jay Leno

"Today, Senator Chris Dodd unveiled his plan to reduce corruption in the Senate. He's retiring." Jay Leno

"After 30 years, embattled Senator Chris Dodd announced he would not seek re-election. He said he may go to work for the banking industry. Have you seen his voting record? I think he already works for the banking industry." Jay Leno

"Oh, and Mitt Romney was on 'Fox and Friends.' He talked about his plan to run for president in 2012. It could be Mitt Romney versus Sarah Palin, which would be quite a matchup. I mean, one is a former governor obsessed with looks and hair. And the other, of course, is from Alaska." Jay Leno

"The annual list of the most admired men in the world came out today. Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods got the same score. I wonder what those two would have in common." Jay Leno

"An 86-year-old politician in India resigned after a sex tape surfaced showing him in bed with three women. 86 years old, three women. A lot of his constituents are saying it was a stupid idea for him to make the sex tape of himself. But the guy is 86. How else is he going to remember having sex?'" Jay Leno

"Today, President Obama honored more than 80 teachers for excellence in math and science. Then he begged them to leave China and come teach here in the United States." Conan O'Brien

"I was reading a book about Osama bin Laden, and it was written by his son, and according to the son, in the book about his father, the kid claims Osama bin Laden was a cruel parent. Gosh, you think you know somebody. But the book is written by bin Laden's dumb son, Osama W. bin Laden." David Letterman

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs You're At A Bad Airport

• For the kids, a wading pool full of jet fuel.
  
• Guy in tower won't say anything but "Niner."
  
• Airport is home to 7 of world's 10 deadliest snakes
  
• Has Hertz Rent-A-Monkey counter.
  
• At the duty-free shop you can buy exploding underpants
  

I dunno. I'm still wondering what comes next.

Joan Rivers was f'in hilarious

Since we have assembled a list of the best nude scenes for each individual year in the whole third millennium, 2000-2999 to date, it made some sense for me to think about which of those scenes might have been the best during this most recent thousand year period of mankind's anni domini. The page linked above offers my choices, broken down into categories, topped off with a elite eight, with film clips for each selection. No polls involved, no science, just my opinions.

Talk about a breakthrough in our thinking! The author is sort of a combination Isaac Newton and Sherlock Holmes.

"Postoperative symptoms were higher in the group consuming chillies during the first postoperative week. The global scores for postoperative pain (7.60 in chilli group and 2.95 in control group, p ! 0.001) and for anal burning (8.85 for the chilli group vs. 4.21 for the
control group, p ! 0.0001) were significant. Conclusion: This study shows that consumption of red chillies after anal fissure surgery should be forbidden to avoid postoperative symptoms."

Might I suggest, to save him money on another study, that eating red hot chilis might also increase anal burning in people who have NOT had anal fissure surgery. Just a thought.

In fact, Congress has budgeted for that. It's an important element in reducing the cost of the health care program.

Well, c'mon. They made a good call to avoid cops. It was that or the donut shop.

Indeed, it may cause the polar ice caps to melt in the next 5-10 years. Oh, sorry. Make that the next 5-10 million years.

For me, every day is No Pants Day. Except for three days: Talk Like A Pirate Day, Arbor Day and Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day. On those days I wear pants.

And a puffy shirt.

"Kraft will launch a national essay contest for children as part of its promotional campaign, said Maura Gast, executive director of the Irving Convention and Visitors Bureau. The winner will get to trigger the detonation at the public demolition."

"Relatives say they smelled a foul odor coming from mom's personal items."

* Yup - this according to a person who is the world's greatest film critic - Jennifer Lopez.**

** This according to the person who is the world's greatest judge of film critics. That would be, of course, Jennifer Lopez. Hey, she would have used another source, but is it her fault she's the best at everything?

Except Bacon was only connected to everyone. Nic IS everyone.

"Of course, a lot of people complaining that traveling here in the United States is a pain; we shouldn't have to go through a pat-down search. You think? Yeah, I mean, hey, when you go to a football stadium, they pat you down, right, huh? I mean, shouldn't the country be as least as hard to get into as a Cleveland Browns game?" Jay Leno

"And yesterday morning in Helsinki, Finland, a train crashed into a Holiday Inn. Here's the odd part. It was an Amtrak train from Connecticut." Jay Leno

"It's now been reported that Britain did pass information on to U.S. authorities about the attempted underwear bomber, but the U.S. disregarded it. In part, that's because the British intelligence referred to him as 'a bloke with boomzy-woomzy in his knickers.'" Conan O'Brien

"I was reading today that President Obama has started updating the Oval Office to reflect his personality, which basically just means he took down President Bush's autographed cast photo from the 'Dukes of Hazzard.'" Jimmy Fallon

"A lot of states are faced subzero temperatures this week. Everyone's taking precautions. In fact, airports are on the lookout for thermal underwear bombers." Jimmy Fallon

"You know, after the shoe bomber, they made us take off our shoes. Now, this underwear thing, could be a real problem." Jimmy Kimmel

"There's talk now we may have to go through these full body scanners, which would allow T.S.A. screeners to see us, not exactly naked, but close enough that every time Salma Hayek goes to the airport, there's going to be a line of guys in blue polyester blazers running to their posts." Jimmy Kimmel

It was The Hawk's 9th time on the ballot.

Bert Blyleven and Roberto Alomar fell just short. 75% is required for induction, and they scored 74.2% and 73.7%. Nobody has ever come that close without eventually making it. Blyleven missed by five votes, Alomar by 8.

Edgar Martinez did not come close.

I'm not particularly sympathetic to Bert Blyleven's case, although he seems to be a sure bet for next year. I know he won 287 games and could pitch, but he spent 22 years in the majors and was selected to the all-star team only twice, in years when he went 17-16 and 20-17. If nobody thought he was one of the best ballplayers in his day, how can he now be one of the best of all time? Jimmy Key, for example, made four all-star teams and has a better adjusted ERA+. Dave Stieb made seven all-star teams and also has a better adjusted ERA+ than Blyleven. Those three guys were all good pitchers. But Hall of Fame?

Following on Revolutionary Road and American Beauty, it will be about James Bond's struggle to find meaning in the suburbs after retirement. Quantum of Boredom.

I hope French wives don't ask, "Does this dress make my ass look too big?"

I wonder how Marc Anthony answers that question.

Jimmy Fallon had a great line: "The strange thing: they don't own any animals."

"In the past few days there has been a burst of new photos and information from all manner of NASA's spacecraft and telescopes. The devices, ranging from the Hubble to Kepler the Spitzer telescopes, are delivering new information on everything from massive supergiant stars to new planets. Here we've gathered up some of them for a quick look."

Fun fact: 8 billion songs were purchased during the decade, but 160 billion were pirated.

"The kids grew up without laughter or toys, were routinely beaten, and lost their pets to painful death from poison gas experiments."

"A delighted Evan, 22, said: 'Yes!' Imagine what a show the wedding will be..."

And the answer to a famous Karnac question: name a frothy drink and two things that suck.

But don't ever bring a banjo to a bagpipe fight.

The Big Unit is not only a first ballot Hall of Famer, but is not at all out of the debate when you discuss the greatest pitcher of all time. That future election should be used as a litmus test to clean out the incompetent Hall of Fame voters. If anyone fails to list this guy on their ballot, their voting privileges should be immediately revoked.

In the entire history of baseball, there has only been one case where a team won 90% of the games started by a regular starter (30 starts or more). That happened in 1995, when the Mariners went 27-3 in Randy's starts, including an incredible dominant complete game performance in the single game playoff against the Angels, when he faced only 30 batters, fanning 12 of them. It can reasonably be argued that Randy's 1995 season was the best of all time. Some other fascinating tidbits about that season:

• When Randy did not start, the team won 52 and lost 63. That was a worse record than the last place Oakland As. In other words, The Unit took a last place team and single handedly took them to the division championship.
  
• My favorite Randy Johnson stat from 1995: lefties got 11 hits against him that YEAR. That's right. Not a misprint. In 30 starts, more than 200 innings, he allowed 11 hits to left handers.
  

Of course, 1995 wasn't even a major outlier in his career. There were the three victories in the 2001 World Series, for example. And you probably know that he won five Cy Youngs. But did you remember that he also finished second three times and third once?

As an Astros fan, I got to see a half-Randy that was even more impressive than his 1995 performance. In his half of a season with us in 1998, he made 11 starts. He only allowed 12 runs in those 11 games. He got a decision in every one of them, went 10-1 with four shutouts, and posed an ERA of 1.28. He was invincible in the Astrodome, as close to perfect as any pitcher has ever been. He started five games, the first four of which were complete game shutouts. He won the last one as well, posting an era of 0.42 in those five starts. God only knows what his already impressive stats might have looked like if he had pitched for years in our pitcher's paradise. It was that amazing performance with the Astros, of course, which prompted the D-Backs to sign him to a six-year contract even though he was already 35 at the time. I'm not sure if it was the smartest contract signing in history, but I'd have to say that the D-Backs definitely did OK when they signed this guy. He won the Cy Young in every one of his first four years on the team.

Of the eight pitchers "most similar" to Randy, six are in the Hall of Fame, and the other two are Glavine and Clemens. And those six are not marginal hall of famers, but superstars: Grove, Feller, Seaver, Gibson, Carlton, Palmer.

"I guess you heard about that kid that tried to blow up the plane on Christmas Day with a bomb he had hidden in his underwear. Before he could get the bomb lit, some hero passengers grabbed him. They dragged him into first class. I had no idea that's how you got upgraded on Delta." Jay Leno

"Rush Limbaugh is OK after being released from a Hawaiian hospital after a heart scare. Fox News sent flowers; MSNBC sent cheese fries." Jay Leno

"Has everybody here seen 'Avatar?' Great movie, wasn't it? Even President Obama took his family to see it at a private screening in Hawaii. After the movie, Obama was like, 'So that's what it's like when something lives up to its hype.'" Jimmy Fallon

"You guys hear this? Rush Limbaugh was released from a hospital in Hawaii two days after suffering from chest pains. He's fine. Doctors say they don't know what caused it, but it may have something to do with being an overweight man whose job is being enraged." Jimmy Fallon

"Even if the bomb works, there's going to be 72 very disappointed virgins." Jon Stewart on the Underwear Bomber

"What we've learned here today is that the fresh-faced innocent honor student transforms into a sexy slut behind closed doors, just like barely legal schoolgirl porn has been trying to tell us for so many years. I just hope there's a way to take advantage of this, unlike when I was actually 17, and spent Friday nights tipping my couch onto its back and pretending to be an astronaut."

"In 2010, We Will Live on the Moon"

Other competitors include: Darryl Strawberry, Goldberg, Sharon Osbourne, Cyndi Lauper, Sinbad. Apparently the word "1980s" is missing before "celebrity."

And look at the pic! I wondered whatever happened to Chloe Sevigny! Wonder why she changed her name. Must have been embarrassment at that whole Vince Gallo thing.

You have to see this guy's picture.

That's the latest GM option.

"The decade just past was 'an awesome one in just about every way' and will be hard to top, according to former President George W. Bush."

It was another spectacular weekend for Avatar, with barely a drop from last week. It took in $68.3 million. The previous record for the best weekend in January was $40 million, and Avatar swamped that in its third weekend. The previous all-time record for "best third weekend" was Spider-Man's $45 million. The Dark Knight couldn't even rise to the occasion, taking in $42 million. Avatar kinda beat that like a red-headed stepchild, whatever that means.

It has been an even bigger success overseas, with about $667m overseas so far. It has already passed The Dark Knight in worldwide gross. Within a week or so, based on total world-wide revenues, James Cameron will have directed the two highest grossing films of all time!

I guess it was a year of mediocrity. In an earlier post, I noted that there were no particularly great films this year. It seems that there were no particularly bad ones either. Last year there were Uwe Boll films, those unfunny spoofs, a Paris Hilton movie, etc. This year, nothing. There's only one 2009 film in the IMDb bottom 100, and that doesn't belong there. (It's a film with 60% positive reviews, but it seems to have been the object of an organized hate campaign.)

Four films kinda rose from the pack: The Legend of Chun-Li, whatever that is; Miss March, All About Steve; Old Dogs.

There aren't any new films this weekend. Avatar continues to kick butt. In fact, it actually took in more than last Friday, but that's misleading because one of those Fridays was Christmas Day and the other was New Year's Day. One thing is clear - the film has already passed $300 million in 15 days. Only two films in history got there faster. Of course, it may sudenly stall out, but at this moment it seems headed to #3 of all time behind Titanic and The Dark Knight. It does not seem very likely that it will surpass Dark Knight's $533 million to take the #2 spot, but that's not entirely impossible.

If they had hired Courtney Love, she would have done it naked for real.

"From today, 1 January 2010, the new Irish blasphemy law becomes operational, and we begin our campaign to have it repealed. Blasphemy is now a crime punishable by a 25,000 Euro fine. The new law defines blasphemy as publishing or uttering matter that is grossly abusive or insulting in relation to matters held sacred by any religion, thereby intentionally causing outrage among a substantial number of adherents of that religion."

My favorite quote from the article: "Pakistan's foreign Ministry spokesperson said that 'anyone who describes Islam as an intolerant religion encourages violence.'" (I'm pretty sure the Urdu language must not have a word for "irony," or maybe Pakistani TV never shows any of those episodes of the Bowery Boys where Slip threatens to beat the hell out of any liar who calls him violent.)

"Sarah Palin will pose nude and giant bats will attack a South American city."

She had an incredible year at the box office, and it came out of nowhere. Johnny Depp came in at No. 2 on the list, followed by Matt Damon, George Clooney, Robert Downey Jr, Tom Hanks, Meryl Streep, Brad Pitt, Shia LaBeouf and Denzel Washington.