The FBI has a copy. In other news, a backwoods hillbilly judge has ordered Jones to surrender the original tape, which he has not done so far.

Avatar has finally been dethroned. The Nicholas Sparks weep-fest Dear John has won the weekend. Avatar may have won Saturday and Sunday - we won't know until the numbers are finalized - but Dear John kicked so much ass on friday that it easily held on for a 32-24 victory.

The Travolta movie got even worse after a weak Friday opening. Based on the estimates, it appears to have finished fourth on Sunday - behind The Tooth Fairy. Oh, the shame!

The weekend finished considerably behind the weekend of Feb 6-8, 2009. Avatar has been shoveling the whole load alone. As it tires, the engine is running low on steam.

"And just two weeks before he is scheduled to go to Nevada to campaign for Harry Reid, President Obama said Las Vegas is a place of excess that people should not visit during hard times. I guess the president feels if you want to see people cavorting with prostitutes and wasting your money, you should go to Washington." Jay Leno

"President Obama is having a big Super Bowl party. And you know what he is doing? This guy is shrewd, very savvy politically. He has invited a bunch of senators to come to the White House for the Super Bowl party. What could be more fun than watching a four-hour football game with Joe Lieberman? Rock 'n' roll!" David Letterman

"President Obama has decided to skip the Winter Olympics in Vancouver. I think he's still mad they stiffed him in Chicago. But they said it would be very expensive to arrange proper security for Obama, so they're sending Vice President Joe Biden in his place. Because, you know, who cares?" Jimmy Kimmel

"Oh, here's something interesting and important. The Pentagon now wants to allow gays to serve openly in the military. You know what that means, ladies and gentlemen? More parades." David Letterman

"I think it was Bill Clinton who popularized the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. But don't confuse that with another Clinton policy — 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell Hillary.' That was a whole different policy." David Letterman

Avatar finally got booted to #2 by the girly movie. Avatar has lost a Friday before, then come back to win the weekend, but that doesn't look like a possibility this time. Dear John is doing much better than expected, and won Friday 14-6.

By the way, the Travolta movie bombed, pulling in only three million on Friday. It was expected to pull about 60% of Dear John's gross, but actually came in with about a third of that.

This kinda matches some of the pitches I have been making to Hollywood lately, for example:

• Crime and Punishment and Big Blue Space Cats in 3D
  
• Pride and Prejudice and Big Blue Space Cats in 3D
  
• War and Peace and Big Blue Space Cats in 3D
  

Imagine how the brave Russian people would thrill to know that they defeated not a bunch of fluffy-pastry-eating, puffy-shirt-wearing French sissies, but some gigantic and colorful 3D space cats - despite the fact that the Russian partisans were in 2D and B&W.

When you get right down to it, pretty much any movie is better with gigantic blue 3D space cats.

... and, of course, bare breasts.

I mean breasts from the human women, not the space cats.

Unless Christina Hendricks is playing one of the space cats.

Austin also placed in the top 5. Interestingly, Las Vegas did not. I suspect this is because of a methodological error. The rankings are based on data like liver disease, alcohol-fueled car crashes and the number of DUI arrests. The liver disease data really only show the drinking habits of the locals, not of all the people who are present at any given time, so all the drunken tourists in Vegas and New Orleans would not show up in those statistics. Despite that, those two towns finished 11th and 25th, respectively. Moreover, the driving-related data would be acutely biased against any town where people do not normally drive personal vehicles to and from work and events. Therefore, New York City would place low simply because so many of the drunks are on public transportation or in taxis rather than in their cars.

According to the analysis, Fresno has one museum, seven movie theaters and 106 bars.

Y'know, 106 bars within a 15-mile radius for 500,000 people doesn't seem like that many to me. I'm thinking Wisconsin got screwed in this analysis. According to yellowpages.com, Green Bay has 56-59 "bars" for 100,000 people.

According to the alcohol sales per capita, the three top states are New Hampshire, Nevada, and Wisconsin. I suppose Nevada's high numbers are attributable to the alcohol purchased by tourists, so that would make New Hampshire and Wisconsin the big two for locals.

(Studies of self-reported alcohol abuse generally show that the Midwest has the highest level of heavy drinking.)

I have no theory to explain how Rochester, New York, my birth town, could be one of the three soberest cities in the USA, although it doesn't strike me as especially surprising. What does surprise me is that Miami is one of the five soberest!

Big deal. All the largest primates are going with the Colts. Except maybe Rush Limbaugh.

"Since the cash flows from indie films tends to be erratic, these smaller distributors had come to rely on advance output deals with three pay TV channels - HBO, Showtime, and Starz - to pay their overhead. In return, the pay channels got the exclusive rights to show their new movies. In 2008, for example, the $80 million that New Line Cinema received from HBO paid its annual overhead and development costs. Bob Weinstein, the co-chairman of the Weinstein Company, not only described output deals as 'the bedrock of the business,' but said in 2008 'not one company in this business could survive and succeed without one.'

His words soon proved prophetic. When the pay channels found they needed fewer movie titles to retain subscribers, and began cutting back on their output deals in 2008, the 'bedrock' crumbled within a matter of months. By 2010, most of these indie distributors and mini-majors were effectively out of business."

"1. Jeff Porcaro, drummer for Toto, Jeff Porcaro died from gardening. He was working in his garden, and decided to spray his petunias with some pesticide. Apparently, he was allergic. He had a heart attack."

American Idol is about the only show on the planet which could afford Stern. The rumor was that they offered Cowell $100m to $144m to stay, and Stern is looking for about $100m a year. Stern would be a good judge. He's bright, quick on his feet, candid, and funny. But he's also a polarizing figure. Many will tune in just to see what he has to say, but many others will turn the show off forever when they realize he's involved. I'm not sure where the balance arm would finally rest.

Guest appearances by Peyton Manning and such Miami symbols as Don Johnson and Dave Barry. I looked for Don Shula and Dan Marino, but didn't see 'em.

The only thing vaguely interesting is that Dear John (3000 theaters, but only 30% positive reviews) may - and I stress MAY - take the weekend away from Avatar. Dear John's advance ticket sales have been quite strong, and the two films are expected to run neck-and-neck. The other new film, From Paris With Love (2700 theaters, 32% positive reviews), is expected to finish a mediocre third.

Here is the Rotten Tomatoes page for this week's new films. Dear John is based on a Nicolas Sparks girlie novel. It's the fifth of his weepy-ass books to be made into a movie. You probably remember Message in a Bottle and The Notebook, for example. From Paris With Love is a mismatched-buddy film involving international terrorism and wisecracks. Kind of a Bruce Willis film without Bruce Willis.

"I want to start with a retraction and an apology. My previous Super Bowl column, which offered tips for visitors to Miami, deeply offended some readers, who informed me that: (a) I am hurting Miami's image; (b) I am an idiot racist piece of lowlife no-talent scum."

"The good news is, this week Janet Napolitano, U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security, inspected Sun Life For Now Stadium and declared it looks secure. The bad news is, this is the same Janet Napolitano who declared that the system worked after a man with known terrorist affiliations managed to get on a U.S.-bound plane with a bomb in his underpants. So with all due respect to Janet, she would not necessarily notice if Osama bin Laden was standing on the 50-yard line with a rocket launcher."

"Five bikini baristas in Everett are accused of charging up to $80 to let customers fondle or photograph them as they put on erotic shows — sometimes in view of passing traffic. They face court dates on prostitution charges this month. In images so graphic that officials were reluctant to release them under public disclosure requests, undercover officers photographed them spreading their legs while wearing crotchless panties or licking whipped cream off each other's exposed pubic regions."

I find this all very disappointing. I'm shocked that people could do such a thing ... without sending me the address. My Starbucks just has some old fat ladies behind the counter.

Hmmm ... I wonder what the Starbucks are like in Amsterdam.

"Police say he could not bend over to get in the police cruiser until some of the evidence was removed."

He's a lucky man, one bottle shy of doom. Florida law mandates the death penalty for stealing 76 of anything. It's the so-called "trombone law."

"The African-American chef who planned it doesn't understand the fuss. 'All I wanted to do was make a meal that everyone would enjoy - and that I eat myself.'"

Tiger emerged from rehab this week a new man, completely chaste, interested only in his wife. God bless the Ludovico treatment.

The countdown begins to 2010's Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day, which is probably the second most important holiday of the year, after Talk Like a Pirate Day. Only 58 more days.

A word of warning for those who hope to attend: do NOT try to smuggle giant pink penises into Japan from other countries. In addition to the fact that you would face the dire legal penalties for giant penis smuggling (imagine Midnight Express, except with giant penises), there are simply good reasons why you should not do so.

• First of all, they would not be sacred. Only giant pink Japanese penises have been blessed. That would be like trying to pass off a bottle of Ozarka from 7-Eleven as Holy Water in the Vatican.


• Second, the Most Honorable Japanese Department of Agriculture and Giant Genitalia is concerned that introducing a new strain of giant pink penises into their eco-system could cause the native strain to mutate or die out. It's the same reason why you can't take frogs to Australia.

The main thing to remember is that there is simply no need for you to take such a risk. There are plenty of giant pink Japanese penises to go around, and that means a fun day will be had by everyone.

"Ladies and gentlemen, Barry has just left the theater."

"We believe that Mr. Torn and Mr. Garrett are part of an elaborate plot to undermine the moral standing of the United States."

Very funny. Good to see that Favre can laugh at himself.

Oddly, the Arabic word for "biggest" is "Andy."

According to psychic Jeanne Dixon, the Antichrist was born on February 5, 1962, so he or she turns 48 Friday.

Actress Jennifer Jason Leigh (Fast Times at Ridgemont High) was born on that day. She'd probably be happy to finsd out that she is the antichrist, since it would mean her father was Satan instead of Vic Morrow. That's a significant upgrade.

Yup, this Saturday is the big one. That's right, I said SATURDAY.

"I read in The New York Times that the Obama administration is planning huge changes to President Bush's 'No Child Left Behind' law. The new law will be called, 'Let's Face It, Some Kids Are Just Duds.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Today, by the way, is Groundhog Day. And this morning, the groundhog known to humans as Punxsutawney Phil was ripped from his hole by men dressed like the mayor in Monopoly. The animal rights group PETA has asked the organizers of this ridiculous event to replace Punxsutawney Phil with a robot groundhog. You create one robot groundhog, and before you know it, they take over the planet, you have to send people back in time to exterminate them and then we have no governor anymore. It's not a good idea." –Jimmy Kimmel

She's an Oscar nominee for An Education

It's more interesting than it sounds. They mean EVERY movie. She probably cries at The Dirty Dozen. She cries more than Bret Favre, Glenn Beck and that "leave Britney alone" dude added together.

Just 20 people turned up for the launch of her new fashion range.

Pam has said: "I've had lots of things that didn't work out. I haven't reinvented myself. It's an honest evolution. I've always been authentic. Except for the boobs."

Pamela Anderson promoted her new fragrance at Rite-Aid stores in Ardmore and Narberth, Pennsylvania on Sunday (January 23). The population of Ardmore is 12,000. That seems like Mexico City compared to Narberth, which boasts 4,000 residents.

From the Narberth Wikipedia page: "Northeast Narberth is centered around the famous corner of Iona and Woodbine, which contains the old Italian barbershop known simply as 'Al's.' This is arguably the second most famous corner behind Narberth and Haverford Ave."

Key line: "Madonna is 14 years older than Jesus' mother." Since Madonna was probably sexually active at a young age, she therefore could be his grandmother. C'mon, that's kinda cool. I mean, name a guy who has fucked his grandmother, or even a great-aunt. OK, maybe I have to grant you Ashton Kutcher, but name another.

This is not going to be a generic action film. Lovable goofball/stoner Rogen is the star. Gondry is one of the world's supreme eccentrics (and a great director, as I see it). The bad guy is the incomparably slimy Christopher Waltz, who should win an Oscar this year.

So many high profile comebacks this year. Which will succeed? Pee Wee's? Katie's? Vick's?

"South Beach is famous for its nightlife scene, featuring clubs where you can enjoy hideous music played at the volume of nuclear testing while running up a bar tab the equivalent of two years' tuition to dental school. South Beach also boasts a vast array of obscure celebrities, so you just might spot a famous DJ that you never heard of, or a Kardashian sister, or even - if you're lucky - a Real Housewife of New Jersey. Also you pretty much can't throw a rock over there without hitting Mickey Rourke.

Another fun South Beach activity is people-watching. Here I am using the term 'people' in the sense of 'breasts.'"

"In a nod to their Commander-in-Chief, a joint military commission has recommended that the Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT) policy on gays in the military that has been in place since 1993 should be scrapped in favor of a sliding 'gay meter' that would be used to determine if someone was too gay for military service."

"You can dance, but not well. You can dress nicely, but not too nicely. You can sing, but no show tunes. And no tattoos that say Sergeant Sausage Sucker or the like."

(It's like something out of one of those Bird/Jordan commercials.)

I'd add to the list: Matt Dillon as the sleazy detective, Healy, in There's Something About Mary. Who knew he was so funny? He should movie exclusively into deadpan comedy, ala Leslie Nielsen.

"Osama bin Laden has released yet another audiotape message. Where does he find all these audiotapes, O.K.? You can't even buy audiotapes anymore. I mean, is there a tiny country in the Middle East called Radioshackistan?" –Jay Leno

"Great Britain and America now have proposed a half-billion-dollar fund to create jobs for Taliban members who agree to lay down their arms. And if it works there, they're going to offer the same deal to NBA players." –Jay Leno

David Letterman's Top Ten Surprises In The $3.8 Trillion Federal Budget

• 10. $3.5 trillion given to committee fighting overspending
  
• 9. President now has to pay $25 for each bag he brings aboard Air Force One
  
• 6. Government is raising the money by sending out a drunk Rip Torn to rob banks
  

Best picture nominees (IMDb score, % positive reviews):

• Avatar (8.6, 82%)
  
• The Blind Side (7.9, 70%)
  
• District 9 (8.3, 90%)
  
• An Education (7.7, 95%)
  
• The Hurt Locker (8.0, 97%)
  
• Inglourious Basterds (8.4, 89%)
  
• Precious (7.6, 91%)
  
• A Serious Man (7.6, 87%)
  
• Up (8.4, 98%)
  
• Up in the Air (8.0, 90%)
  

The following could have been nominated rather than some of the above:

• Crazy Heart (8.0, 92%)
  
• A Single Man (8.1, 83%)
  
• Star Trek (8.2, 94%)
  
• (500) Days of Summer (8.1, 87%)
  
• Moon (8.0, 89%)
  
• The Hangover (8.0, 78%)
  
• Zombieland (7.9, 89%)
  

Based on the numbers above, Star Trek got the biggest hosing. It beat the following nominees by both rating systems: The Blind Side, Precious, A Serious Man, and Up in the Air.

On the other side of the ledger, The Blind Side was the weakest nominee. All seven films in the "could have been" list had better numbers.

Based on the old system of "best five," the nominees would be (in an ideal world based on those two sets of numbers): Avatar, Up, Inglourious Basterds, The Hurt Locker, and District 9. That list would encompass the two best-reviewed movies and the three highest-rated at IMDb. By that same objective standard, the best film of the year was Up, which had the best reviews and the second-best IMDb score. In the real world, however, it has no chance. The Oscar will go to one of the following: Avatar, Inglourious Basterds or Hurt Locker.

If Obama would give Oscar Meyer the entire stimulus package, I'll bet they could create millions of jobs. Traffic would be kind of a bitch, though.

"'If we are fortunate enough to acquire the rights to Mr. Salinger's book, we pledge to stay faithful to the spirit of Catcher in the Rye,' said Dougy Binstock, a producer at Columbia Pictures. 'And the best way to do that is by producing it as a rock opera.'"

"Mindy Hammerfur, an executive at Paramount Pictures, said she thought Salinger’s book was 'seriously in need of a reboot.'"

(Two different movies.)

The two big Razzie "winners" this year are expected to be Land of the Lost and Transformers 2. Other nominees include Old Dogs and All About Steve, the film which earned Bullock her Razzie nom.

The most objective measurements placed Steve and Dogs near the "worst of the year," but Miss March was rated at the bottom at both RT and Metacritic, while Squeakquel has running last at IMDb. The consensus pick from thise three sources was something called Street Fighter: the Legend of Chun-Li. I don't really know what that is, but I'm glad Chun-Li was able to pursue a solo career after his break-up with Tennessee Tuxedo.

• Austin Statesman: "Edwards aide's book describes trail of money"
  
• Wall Street Journal's report on the book.
  

It's even uglier than people imagined. Former John Edwards aide Andrew Young has released his tell-all book, "The Politician." He claims that when he was being paid to pretend to be the father of Edwards' mistress Rielle Hunter's baby and let her live with his family, Edwards pretended to know nothing while his supporters funneled over a million dollars to them to pay for a lavish lifestyle, including private jets, fancy homes, ski vacations and a BMW for Hunter. He says much of the money, "the Bunny money," hundreds of thousands of dollars, sometimes hidden inside boxes of chocolates, came from a 99-year-old rich widow named Bunny Mellon who had no idea any of it was going to Hunter.

This is a real tag line: "Oscar Mayer's great new Sack O’ Sauce in a Can O’ Meat"

"Native Hawaiians called the fish Maku'u or 'exploding intestines.' It is banned in Japan and Italy."

They will appear in a 1-minute Super Bowl ad and a 15-minute short, both of which are designed to pitch vacation rentals.