Per "FamousWhy," Dana Hamm has been featured in more magazine pictorials than any other fitness model.

"As you know, the Roman Catholic Church continues to be rocked by this sex abuse crisis. In fact, they're thinking of changing their name to the Roman Polanski Catholic Church." –Jay Leno

"John McCain told Newsweek that he doesn't really consider himself a 'maverick.' What kind of man would call himself a maverick for years and then suddenly say he doesn't think of himself as a maverick? I'll tell you what kind — a maverick." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The iPad has only been out for a few days and it has revolutionized the publishing industry. You can download books, you can read them and store them, and for religious fundamentalists, there's a new app that lets you burn them." –Jimmy Kimmel

Date Night - 57% positive reviews. Comedy starring Tina Fey and Steve Carell.

After.Life - 67% positive reviews (but that's based on just six reviews). Horror/thriller starring Liam Neeson and Christina Ricci's breasts.

Date Night is the only wide release (3300 theaters). It is expected to win first place in a close contest. The Christina Ricci / Liam Neeson thriller will appear in only 40 theaters, and the biopic of The Runaways will be in about 200. I don't know how many theaters will show Letters to God, but the Weekend Warrior thinks it will finish in tenth place with about a million simoleons.

"'The Tonight Show With Jay Leno' is once again beating rival David Letterman, whose 'Late Show' slipped back to No. 2 among yakkers in all major measurements during March.

Both shows, meanwhile, continue to erode as young viewers flee the networks for cable options like Comedy Central and Adult Swim."

There's nothing on the Big Three for youthful viewers. The average age of Letterman's viewers is 54, Nightline's 55, Leno's 56. Conan's audience wasn't much different, averaging 48 years old. Among viewers 18-34, the winner is the Adult Swim re-run of Family Guy!

"Mum-of-three Smedley, 27, who has 40LL breasts, panicked when she lifted them up while having sex and found that her lover Steven had stopped breathing."

She has been arrested on the official Limbaugh special order: doctor shopping to obtain Oxycodone in South Florida!

"Hey there, Scoop,

Figured this would be up your alley.  Just got home from a screening of AfterLife, the new Christina Ricci/Liam Neeson thriller.  The movie was just so/so, but oh man...you've got your nude scene of the year.  Scenes.  Film.  Yeah.  No doubt, 100%, unless someone like ScarJo decides to remake Debbie Does Dallas.

30 seconds in, you have her nude in bed with Justin Long.  Credits, brief scene with Neeson, BAM: tits.  After a brief time out, there's another topless scene in a dream sequence.  Then a little after the halfway point, she gets completely naked on the slab and stays that way until the climax of the film (no pun intended).  The only thing you don't see explicitly is the coochie.  Everything else?  Her boobs must have at least 10 minutes of screen time in close-up, HD glory.  You can count goosebumps.  For those of us who appreciate Ms. Ricci, this is absolutely the holy grail.  Unless she releases a sex tape, you aren't going to see more of her for longer, in better detail.

Mr. Dark"

As foretold by the prophets.

On Chinese Idol, which is actually called Singy-People with Golden Dragon Feet, the show stopper was a fat kid who did a perfect impersonation of Whitney Houston.

The new record is for "the largest gathering of people wearing fleece blankets of one color in one place."

Our congrats to the Halos, who were soundly thrashed by three Twins' homers in the actual game.

No, I didn't suddenly turn gay. Although not for lack of trying. The real reason for this link is that her guests today were Tina Fey, Steve Carell, Betty White, and the ever-odd Tracy Morgan. There are several videos.

This won't mean anything to you unless you watch 30 Rock. Existing only within that show's storyline, Kabletown is the cheesy and barely professional "new media" company which has just acquired former entertainment giants GE and NBC.

"You know, 30,000 people showed up for the annual Easter Egg Roll at the White House today. Or as Fox News calls it, a 'socialist free food giveaway.'" –Jay Leno

"Well, earlier today, President Obama threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals' home opener against the Philadelphia Phillies. Actually, President Obama didn't actually throw the ball. He got it to the catcher's mitt through a series of back-door dealings." –Jay Leno

"President and Mrs. Obama hosted the annual White House Easter Egg Roll today. Dozens of children gathered on the White House lawn to roll eggs toward a finish line while the president cheered them on and Republicans tried to block them." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Listen to this, a prominent Filipino businessman quit his job at a major university after admitting that he made a speech plagiarizing Barack Obama, Oprah Winfrey, and J.K. Rowling. People got suspicious after he opened with the line, 'Look under your seats, muggles, because everyone is going home with a free hope and change!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Under President Obama's new airport security plan, anyone traveling to the U.S. will be stopped if they match the description of a potential terrorist. Wait, we weren't doing this already?" –Jimmy Fallon

"Last night, President Obama gave a speech at the Boston Opera House. It was a long night, because you know what they say about the opera: 'It ain't over until the fat lady gets lectured on her eating habits by Michelle Obama.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A lawmaker in Israel has proposed a popcorn law that would limit high prices of popcorn at the movies. Finally, solving Israel's biggest problem, high popcorn prices." –Jimmy Fallon

Don't know what it is, but the poor thing doesn't look happy. Local animal experts now plan to ship the mystery beast to scientists in Beijing who will determine whether it goes better with plum sauce or spicy peanut.

That's the most important reason 3D was invented, except maybe for those paddle thingys with the ball on a rubber band.

Key quote: "There are a lot of 3-D boobs."

The bad news: the make-a-wish foundation will have to shatter a lot of tiny hearts.

Including mine.

Wait a second. She's absolutely sure? Think about that. How could she be completely sure that he didn't SECRETLY tape their rumpy-pumpy? The only way she could be 100% confident is if she never had sex with him in the first place. I guess that's the good news.

That doesn't mean Rhode Island Police Department, but rather Rest in Peace Department, and it's a dead cop mismatched buddy movie. Yup, that's right, it's about dead cops who solve crimes. One of the partners is a crusty veteran who has been on the dead police force for a long time, and the other is a rookie who just died.

The worst part of unearthing "unspeakable" evils: describing them to your boss at salary evaluation time. "I can't explain what it was. It's unspeakable. Could I just type it out? It might be 'writable.'"

"I've got to stop reading the inscriptions on ancient door seals out loud. I also need to quit dusting off medallions set into strange sarcophagi, allowing the light to hit them for the first time in centuries. And replacing the jewels that have fallen from the foreheads of ancient frog-deity statues — that's just bad archaeological practice."

I never would have recognized her.

Frankly, this sounds like a leftover April Fool's prank. I'm calling "shenanigans" on this one.

"The alleged tape reportedly includes James smearing feces on Bullock's upper lip during various types of anal sex, lots of profanity hurled from both parties, and a leather clad James, sporting a Hitler mustache with brown hat with a swastika, ramming a handcuffed Bullock's bottom with a shotgun in his left hand."

But if it is real, I do want to see Sandra Bullock getting fucked in the ass, and getting a Dirty Sanchez while she screams vivid profanities. Now THAT's entertainment.

Butler had the opportunities. Bottom line: Duke has the trophy.

Greinke went six innings, allowed one earned run, and left with a two-run lead. He pitched as well as you can expect from any mortal man. But as soon as the relievers showed up, the Tigers thought "hey, no more Greinke" and started teeing off like BP on a zany assortment of no-name Royals relievers who probably belong in AA. The Stripecats from Motown scored six in the first third of an inning post-Greinke. So the real question is this: What exactly will Greinke have to do this year to get some Ws on the ol' stats line?

Greinke seems destined to become the Ned Garver of the new generation. Garver was a good pitcher who piched for a succession of poor teams back in the fifties. He racked up some of the strangest ratios of complete games to wins in that era. In 1950, for example, he threw 22 complete games to lead the league, but could accumulate only 13 wins against 18 losses for the hapless St Louis Browns. In 1951 the 25-year-old Garver somehow beat the odds and won 20 games for the Brownies, who went 52-102 that year and finished last, ten games behind even the feckless seventh-place Senators.

In terms of miracles, Garver's winning 20 for the Brownies ranged somewhere between the US hockey team's winning the 1980 gold and Jesus' raising of Lazarus. It was a feat so incredible that Garver, a no-name pitcher on the ultimate no-name team, nearly won the American League MVP award! He tied Yogi Berra in first-place votes, but Yogi edged him on total points.

Many baseball fans know that Garver won 20 that year, but very few know that he didn't have an exceptional year by his standards. In fact, he actually pitched better in 1950 and 1954! In his 20-game season his ERA was 3.73. As fate would have it, that was precisely the same as his career ERA. In other words, he was pretty much always that good.

By the way, Garver could swing the bat as well. In fact, he was also the team's best hitter in his 20-game season. He batted a very solid .305 that year, with a .365 OBP and a .786 OPS. All three figures were higher than any of the Browns regulars.

Not that any of them were likely to remind you of Ted Williams.

Anyway, if Garver had had the good fortune to pitch for the Yankees or the Dodgers, he might have earned a trip to Cooperstown. As it worked out, his 3.73 ERA earned him a lifetime record of 129-157 ... and he had to throw 153 complete games to get 129 stinkin' wins! His contemporary Whitey Ford threw almost the same number of CGs (156), yet somehow managed to win more than 100 extra games. And so Mr Ford is a legend, and Mr. Garver has to get into the Hall of Fame by buying a ticket, like the rest of us.

Coming back briefly to the original point of this ramble, Garver's last job as a regular starter was in 1959, when he posted a slightly better ERA and a much better WHIP than he had in his legendary year with the Brownies, only to finish the season 10-13. He was then pitching for Kansas City. Sound familiar, Greinke?

Now THAT's a home opener!

Just another day at the office for Señor Sluggo.

They have to be concerned about Halladay, however. He allowed the Nationals to score. It's difficult to feel sorry for a guy as talented as Halladay, but the pressure on him is enormous. The home crowd in Philly is tough. As my dad pointed out in one of his tall tales about his own baseball career: "Ruth, Schmooth. How could a really feared hitter hit 60 homers in a year? The year I hit 47 for the Philadelphia Cheesesteaks, I only had 48 official at bats. The rest of the year I had about 650 intentional walks and a ground rule double. And the home fans in Philly booed me for ten minutes when I hit the double."

It's going to be like that for Halladay. He's gonna get booed for being mortal. (On those rare occasions when he IS mortal.)

"Ralph Fiennes co-stars as the evil Hades. Ralph, of course, is famous for two kinds of characters: Extraordinarily boring ones and extraordinarily evil ones. 'We have developed a predictive model of Ralph's performances,' noted a scientist at UC Berkeley. 'Boring roles mean lower budgets, evil ones mean higher budgets. Ralph is the Punxsutawney Phil of movie budget prediction.'"

He's cured in only four days. It's a miracle!

That would be a first in terms of officially recognized miracles. Jesus made the lame walk, healed lepers, even brought a guy back from the dead, but he rarely if ever had any luck curing sex addiction.

"Tyler" wrote: "People love Sandra Bullock, and this tubby poser really embarrassed her. His reputation couldn't be any worse unless he left rehab, drove to Disneyland and punched Winnie The Pooh in the face."

"In an announcement highly anticipated by sex fans around the world, Tiger Woods told a small gathering of reporters, family, and lovers Friday that the most dominant fornicator on the planet would soon return to sex. 'Not being able to get out there and have sex has really been tough on me,' Woods said. 'I've missed it. I love fucking with all my heart.'"

"'I'll probably be a little rusty,' Woods said. 'But once I swing the old cock around a few times and get it in the first couple holes, I'm confident that I'll still be able to drive it as deep as I always have.'"

Sounds mysterious, but it's no surprise, really. Here's six films from his filmography:

• The Girlfriend Experience
  
• Bubble
  
• Equilibrium (segment of a film)
  
• Full Frontal
  
• Schizopolis
  
• Underneath
  

In other words, many of Soderbergh's films have remained a secret.

"However its existence is justified, Greenberg is awful to sit through. It doesn't have a point, it doesn't seek to redeem its characters, or force us to see them in a different light. Sure, toward the end Stiller has a couple of confessional moments, but those are expected. Every asshole has a reason for being an asshole. It doesn't make their selfishness any less so. And with so many ways to depict an interesting jerk, or to simply be more interesting, Greenberg seems to be too in love with the wrong people to be worth the money and time it requires."

Damn, am I going through post-holiday depression.

The Glorious day has finally arrived. Renewal is here. Spring is here.

Happy Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day to you and yours!

Wikipedia Info

There are many reasons why I am not coaching college basketball, not the least of which is that I suck at basketball. One of the lesser reasons is that I lack diplomacy. Here's what I would do if I were Duke's Coach K. Assuming I build up an early lead and see that Butler is overmatched, I'd leave my starters in and tell them to run up the score. Then, after a blowout victory, I'd go to the post game interviews and say "72-37 ... (grabs crotch) Cinderella this, motherfuckers!"

Having expressed that, let me add that I am rooting for Butler, just like everyone else. Go, Manservants.

Chris Matthews in 2002: "What do you make of this letter and this panoply of the left condemning the Bush regime?"

Scientists believe the almost-complete fossilised skeleton belonged to a previously unknown type of early human ancestor that may have been an intermediate stage as ape-men evolved into the first species of advanced humans, Homo habilis.

Experts who have seen the skeleton say it shares characteristics with Homo habilis, whose emergence 2.5 million years ago is seen as a key stage in the evolution of our species. It is thought it will be identified as a species that fits somewhere between Australopithicus and Homo habilis.

The discovery could help rewrite the history of human evolution by filling in crucial gaps in the scientific knowledge.

Hint:

How many days in June?

No major surprises. All films performed approximately according to plan. Titans took in more than $60m. The Last Song did a hair worse than expected. Tyler's movie did a bit better than anticipated, finishing second with a very impressive $14,000 average per screen. Most people thought it would finish third behind the top carry-over, that Dragon thingy.

"It is testament to Eli Roth's ridiculous level of asshole-itude that you end up wanting to take the side of a guy who posted naked pictures of a one-night stand on Reddit, which is not a nice thing to do."

"Somewhere along the line, these remembrances of pain, blood and suffering became associated with chocolate, which in some ways wasn't that bad."

The bad news: they are getting so many calls they can't handle more than 3-4% of them!

Oopsy!

Most meaningless protest yet. Check out the inherent contradiction in these two sentences:

• "The marchers want to call attention to the double standard in society's attitudes toward male and female nudity."
  
• "There were no incidents and no arrests – nudity is illegal in Maine only if genitals are displayed."
  

In other words, there IS no double standard in the state where they marched! The exact same rules apply to men and women.

Mission accomplished!

This stars every living action hero except Jean-Claude van Damme.

And she throws in a gratuitous rip of Jacko while she's at it. And she's not pitching softballs: "She says Jason 'was a drunk who beat me up' and forced her to join Scientology."

No tournament team has managed to score 60 or more against the scrappy Manservant defense. Their opponents have scored 59-52-59-56-50.

Having defeated the Michigan State Troopers, the Jeeves' final opponent will be either the Duke Nukems or the West Virginia Madsens, formerly known as the West Virginia Almost Heavens when I needed the Madsen nickname for Virginia.

Rassler Chris "Mortis" Kanyon has shed this mortal coil. Drug OD. Possibly suicide. Age 40.

Clash of the Titans opens big, approaching $30m on Friday. Tyler Perry's flick took in a solid $12 million for second place. The Last Freakin' Song finished a distant fourth, but is right in line with expectations.

"The census is how we figure out who gets represented. So if you don't send in your form, your state gets fewer congressmen. Which, come to think of it, maybe none of us should send in our forms because no congressmen seems like the perfect number, really." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This week, President Obama issued a proclamation declaring it Cesar Chavez Day. So this week was both Passover and Cesar Chavez Day. See, one holiday celebrates the flight of the Jewish people from Egypt to Israel, the other celebrates the flight of Mexican people from Tijuana to Los Angeles." –Jay Leno

"One eyewitness said 'some of the things going on in the strip club were almost too masochistic for the Republicans to watch.' Like in one room, there was a video being played over and over of President Obama signing the healthcare bill." –Jay Leno

With an appropriate pictogram!

According to the article, the sign means "watch out for prostitutes," which I certainly will do. Come to think of it, I always do that. But are they supposed to be a tourist attraction? "Look, Marge, there's one!"

Glad to see Jesus can delegate.

Oh, my stars and garters, it was chaos. I hear that some of the ragamuffins even shouted "get a horse" at some of our most distinguished bow-tied and derby-clad gentlemen. Why, those rapscallions were altogether untoward!

Y'know, I lived in Oslo for a couple of years, and I'd always save the local page of the Dagbladet newspaper to show people how utterly (and blessedly) uneventful life could be in Norway. Occasionally the top headline in that city of some 600,000 people would be something like "thief steals old lady's purse at the airport." But even in Oslo, even in the world's most pleasantly boring city, "kids flip off passers-by" was not considered newsworthy.

"Marilyn Monroe spent her final weekend there in August 1962 before she died of a drug overdose in Los Angeles.

"This was one of the hottest casinos in Nevada when Frank owned it. Frank had all the stars coming in and out of here, and it was always packed with people. I think the history is what keeps the Cal Neva going."

(Sinatra had to divest his ownership stake when his gambling license was stripped away because the notorious mobster Sam "Momo" Giancana was spotted on the premises.)

I brought this reader comment up to the main page:

"This story is actually a bit dramatic for the actual circumstances. The hotel remains open, but the property owners ended their relationship with the casino operator and are looking for a new one. They expect it to reopen by year end.

Story here.

I travel to that area often, and have visited the CalNeva on a few occasions. The casino is small (approx 5,000 sqft). Yes, the gambling industry in Tahoe is hurting, but the CalNeva is suffering because it been a dump for nearly 20 years; the former owners never re-invested a dime in basic upkeep. The good news is that it sits on prime real estate and the right buyer can turn it around easy."

"The Early Report features the most detailed listings on the Internet of all films scheduled to be released in the upcoming three weeks, including actual and estimated screen counts, running times and ratings. This week's report covers 12 major new openers in theatres between Friday 4/9/10 and Friday 4/23/10."

After receiving this submission, I had to look her up. Turns out she's actually semi-famous. Wikipedia says: "Emily Scott (born June 3, 1984 in Canberra, Australia) is an Australian commercial, lingerie and glamour model. She appeared in the visuals of Robbie Williams' spring 2006 tour, and in a remake of the notorious 'Rock DJ' video clip. She was the face of Lipton Ice Tea. In 2006, she was in the ITV reality series Love Island. In the autumn of 2007 Scott was in the second series of Cirque de Celebrité on Sky One in the United Kingdom. Emily joined the cast of Australian Dancing with the Stars in July 2009."

As the critics see it, you can choose from three really bad films:

• Clash of the Titans is a remake of a Harryhausen film which was quite silly to begin with, in which some respected actors like Claire Bloom, Larry Olivier and Maggie Smith turned in campy performances that would have embarrassed Adam West. Well, anyway, at least the new version must have better special effects than the first. On the other hand, Gumby had better special effects than the first. 30% positive reviews.
  
  
• Last Song is yet another gooey adaptation of a Nicholas Sparks sap-fest. How many of those did he write? Miley Cyrus will probably not make it any less sappy. 12% positive reviews.
  
  
• The only person who seems to write more than Nicholas Sparks is Tyler Perry, who must make ... what ... two movies a month? Maybe not. Anyway, some of his recent ones got decent reviews, but not this puppy, at least not so far. One particularly nasty reviewer called it "Perry's most obscenely obnoxious, morally bankrupt, and professionally ramshackle film to date. It's appalling in every way, showing a disregard for humankind." I wouldn't call that critic a big Perry fan. 17% positive reviews.
  

Clash of the Titans is expected to take first with some impressive numbers ($65m+, 3800 screens))

Tyler Perry's latest is expected to perform extraordinarily well (a solid third with $25m), given its much more limited 2100-theater distro.

The Last Song is expected to pull in a mediocre $18m in 2700 theaters, good for fourth place.

"Reptile expert Jim Andrews says the crossing is 'one of the most important of the known amphibian crossings in the state.' For the last nine years a group of Monkton residents has monitored the swamp-side road crossing, in some cases helping the creatures cross the road."

"The bun has been in her family for generations. 'It's a relic which has been passed down through the family. My mum said our ancestors worked in a baker's shop and they believed buns baked on Good Friday didn't go mouldy,'"

"Forsythe won two Golden Globes portraying patriarch Blake Carrington on Dynasty. He also voiced the mysterious Charles Townsend (who memorably made his presence felt via speaker phone) on Charlie's Angels."

"Q: I have read with increasing alarm new reports of violence erupting around our country. For example, the recent rampaging campus murderer in Huntsville, Alabama; the Austin, Texas man who flew his plane into an office building; and the unhinged shooter at the Pentagon. Do you suspect these people may have been journalists? Also, what can I do to prevent my family from falling victim to these violent journalists?

A: Yes, in the cases you cited there is some circumstantial evidence that the alleged perpetrators harbored pre-journalistic tendencies (for instance, violent hatred of George Bush and capitalism, and messianic obsession with President Obama), but it doesn't appear they were actual professional members of the news media. For one thing, unlike the vast majority of journalists, all of the suspects involved in these crimes reportedly had actual marketable skills -- biochemistry, computer programming, growing weed, and so on. Until further evidence of journalism emerges, I believe we can attribute these incidents to a handful of those rare random psychopaths who do not possess press credentials."

Hint to police: Jay and Silent ____

"Well, earlier today, President Obama canceled the annual White House Easter Egg Hunt. Instead, the kids are going to be on the lawn of the White House drilling for oil." –Jay Leno

"Well, here's some good news for us. Iran's top nuclear scientist has defected to the CIA and is now here in the United States. He's now on our side. And he had some frightening information. He said Iran was just weeks away from developing their very own Toyota Prius." –Jay Leno

"You guys hear about this? Sarah Palin has a new Fox News series, which is being described as a show about people with real-life tales of overcoming adversity. Hey, she should do a story about that guy who became the first black president." -Jimmy Fallon

"Do you know in Switzerland, in Geneva, scientists are celebrating? They have a multimillion-dollar atom-smasher that has given us new information on how the universe began. Couldn't these scientists save some money and just ask Larry King?" –Craig Ferguson

"As the 40-year-old Griffey begins his 22nd season, fans say the sight of the once-lean five-tool player flipping his cap around is no longer synonymous with athletic excellence, infinite potential, or effortless cool. Instead, they claim it is a sad reminder of how time takes its toll on the body, how we try to relive our former glory but never quite do, and how the prime of our life passes in an instant."

Serious note:

Discrimination is legal if the employer can establish that the process of descrimination is the result of a bona fide occupational qualification ("BFOQ"). For example, if you are a movie director casting a biopic of Lawrence Welk, you may legally exclude minorites and women from consideration for the main role.

He should have been easy to pick out of the line-up.

They never would have caught him, but he called his doctor exactly four hours after each robbery.

This will work with a cockney accent before Henny Higgins starts working on you: "The pain in Spain falls mainly near the groin."

To add to the lexicon: "chickenshit" can mean cowardly, as mentioned in the article, but also has two other meanings:

(1) It is an adjective defining totally insignificant and irrelevant things which are or ought to be ignored, as in "chickenshit rules." If a person were to take advantage of chickenshit things, the person or his actions would also be called chickenshit, e.g. "awarding himself the point on a technicality was a chickenshit move." When it has this meaning and is applied to a person, it is sometimes used as a noun, and can apply either to the person or his actions: e.g. "awarding himself the point on a technicality was total chickenshit," or "awarding himself the point on a technicality made him a total chickenshit."

(2) It is also a noun meaning a martinet, or some other kind of a petty, persnickety person. In this meaning, as in the other one above, it can also alternatively refer to the actions of such a person. When appled to a person it usually requires an article: "that college-boy second looey is a total chickenshit." When applied to his actions the article is omitted, as in "we'll have to eat more chickenshit from our college-boy second looey."

Note that parts of speech and even shades of meaning may easily be combined: "I'm sick of that chickenshit and his chickenshit rules. How much chickenshit do we have to put up with?"

"Attorney General Eric Holder turned in his letter of resignation to President Barack Obama Tuesday after discovering that people willfully participate in the killing of other human beings on a routine basis."

"Johnson expressed concerns that a Marine build-up could "capsize" the island of Guam."

Manhattan Island must be in serious trouble! Guam has fewer than 200,000 residents. The Marines would add another 8,000. Guam is about ten times as large as Manhattan, which holds nearly two million residents plus commuters and tourists and some big-ass buildings.

They have posted their April Fool surprise as a rolling gallery of upcoming hits. I'm not sure how we werte supposed to tell it is a joke, since most of them sound like better shows than the ones they really air. I guess the giveaway was "Dancing With the Tsars."

Well, technically, it's for after and after, i.e. "after implant #1" and "after implant #2."

What do you eat when you're worshipping a giant pink penis?

When Christians are dyeing eggs, the Shintos are busy dyeing cucumbers, sausages and bananas.

All kidding aside, or at least SOME kidding aside, the article says:

"York City's Matsuri restaurant are bringing a taste of Kawasaki to America. On April 1st, chef Tadashi Ono is offering a one-night-stand penis-inspired menu. Here's what's on it:

• Ginseng Up Cocktail ($12)
  
• Get It Up Hot Pot ($23)
  
• Big Sausage ($18) -- with sea scallops and spicy cod roe
  
• Hard Banana Cream Pie ($9) -- caramelized with chocolate ice cream"
  

Bonus #1: the Giant Black Japanese Penis in the picture linked above looks exactly like Darth Vader!
Bonus #2: Film footage from the 2001 Giant Pink Japanese Penis Festival

The religion: Shinto. The holiday: Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day.

Many of our Japanese readers have written in to tell me that the festival is only called Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day by those who are not Japanese. If you are Japanese, you simply call it Our Giant Pink Penis Day, Giant Pink Penis Day, or just Big Pink Dick Day if you're into that whole brevity thing.

Oh, yeah. I've heard that this Sunday is also an important day for Christians. I'll have to read up on that. Man, that must present quite a dilemma if your mother is Catholic and your father is Shinto. I suppose you can go to Mass in the morning, a Big Pink Dick Festival in the afternoon, and then confession at night.

"For the first time since news broke that her husband was banging all kinds of whores, Sandra Bullock was seen in public yesterday. Sort of. John Gotti came back from the dead to drive her from her house in the Hollywood Hills to her agent in Beverly Hills, but she was all covered up by a tan jacket and big green hat. Because otherwise we might have learned what Sandra Bullock looks like. It would have been pandemonium."

I love it when a plan comes together. I love it even more when the team comes together.

"No, I expect you to Tweet, Mr Bond"

Caveats:

• 3000 or more theaters
  
• adjusted for inflation