Oh, no. Just when she was thinking so clearly and looking so chipper.

Her premature retirement prevents her from reaching a full 25 years of continuing to work after becoming senile.

“Fuck my victims, I carried them for twenty years, and now I’m doing 150 years.”

I didn't realize Bjork had a stalker. That was probably the only case in history where the celebrity stalker was less weird than the stalked celebrity.

Wait a minute. That's wrong, isn't it? Bjork is probablty stranger than the AVERAGE celebrity stalker, but this was a guy weird enough to stalk Bjork! That's pretty fuckin' far out there.

As Tom Cruise, he's kind of a drip.

As Les Grossman, he rules the world!

She must have been really impressed by that "separated at birth" pic that showed her and Woody Woodpecker, because she dyed her hair to match Woody's.

There's no snarky point to this link. I am genuinely impressed.

"Stephen Hill, the porn star who played Obama in Palin: Erection '08 and went on a sword-slashing rampage at his workplace, fell 50 feet to his death this morning after an eight-hour police standoff, with scores of photojournalists watching."

Shrek easily won the weekend, its third straight in the catbird's seat. Friday was a horse race, but Shrek totally owned Saturday and Sunday to finish many lengths ahead. It grossed $25 million, compared to $17 for the nearest challenger.

Of the four mediocre new films, three of them ended up with totals about as expected. In the following summary, actuals are unbracketed, followed by estimates in brackets: Get Him to the Greek $17m [$19m] , Killers $16m [$15], Marmaduke $11m [$14m]. The Kutchmeister actually did a bit better than expected!

The only mild surprise was the underperformance of Splice, an imaginative R-rated horror film with excellent reviews. It took in only $7 million, in contract to an estimate of $11+. That failure seems even more dramatic when you realize that the estimate was quite low to begin with.

Sex and the City 2 sank like a stone. It dropped 60% to finish out of the running. It now appears that it will gross less than $100 million, despite a $100 million production budget and an expensive marketing campaign. The first film in the series grossed $150m on a $65m budget.

Prince of Persia beat SATC2 this weekend because it didn't drop as dramatically, but POP is still behind SATC2 in total gross. It appears destined to fall short of $100 million in total gross, and the financials could look quite depressing in this case because the budget was something like $200m.

Short answer: no. Fun to look at, however.

The surprises were minor ones: Splice and Marmaduke underperformed expectations which were modest to begin with. They finished 7th and 6th, and each of them will struggle to reach double figures for the weekend.

Apart from that, Shrek won the day, closely challenged by Get Him to the Greek, with Kutcher the Killer just a hair behind in third.

"He is the greatest coach in the history of sports, not just basketball but in any sport."

It's a rare weekend with four new films in at least 2400 theaters each. There are two movies with good reviews and two that got stomped by the critics. Those reviews didn't seem to have much effect on the box office. Splice, with some excellent reviews, is slated to finish last among the four. The other film with generally positive reviews is Get Him to the Greek, and that one should lead the newcomers, but is probably not strong enough to knock Shrek off his green perch.

The two films with bad reviews are Killers (Kutcher Komedy with 0% positive reviews from the top critics) and Marmaduke (12% from the top critics). Each of them seems capable of challenging Sex and the City 2 (9% from the top critics) for some Razzies, especially the Kutcher Klassic. (What a career he is building! He's gold, Jerry, gold!) Despite the poor reviews, those two films are each expected to finish with about $14 million, which should place them somewhere in the middle of the top ten.

"In one of the more bizarre homages to Jane Austen, biologists have named a protein in mice urine after her famed character Mr. Darcy from the novel 'Pride and Prejudice.'

Much like Mr. Darcy had a magnetic pull on Elizabeth Bennet (and countless readers), the protein is a pheromone responsible for attracting female mice to the odor of a particular male. The scientists dubbed the protein 'darcin' after the character from Austen's 1813 novel."

Could it be yours? "There are no markings on it except for a Willie Nelson sticker."

"After you’re done admiring this picture of Ashton Kutcher driving his 15,000 pound CXT truck which gets 7 miles to the gallon, you should check out this video of Ashton blaming the Republicans for the BP oil spill and shedding a tear for the environment."

When a team gets ahead by five they just pass the ball pack and forth without taking any shots.

Wait - a lot of passing back and forth with no scoring? That seems like perfect preparation for professional soccer. Maybe it's a good idea after all.

Here's what I would do if I were on a team behind by five: I would kick the ball into my own goal, thus placing me behind by six and giving me the automatic win! Then I would run around the field screaming, "We're number one" and "In your face."

She's the one who claims she was being fired from Citibank for being too damned hot! I can believe it. Same thing happened to me many times.

What a bunch of pussies we have become. All this kidney-this and soft-bone-that. Why, when I was young we used to sprinkle toxic cadmium on our corn flakes in the morning. I think there was even a Cadmium Crunch candy bar.

It was an impact significant enough to be visible from Earth.

Interesting question. Three guys are running about even. All three of them are having monster seasons. The season is 1/3 over, so I just multiplied their current totals times three to show what they are on pace for.

• Miguel Cabrera .353, 48 HR - 153 RBI, 111 runs scored and 51 doubles.
  
• Justin Morneau .372, 36 HR - 111 RBI, 108 runs scored and 57 doubles. OBP .484.
  
• Robinson Cano .373, 36 HR - 129 RBI, 123 runs scored and 51 doubles. 237 hits.
  

They could fade and other guys could heat up. If so, there are other good possibilities:

• Despite those amazing numbers above from Cabrera, Vernon Wells is actually leading the league in extra base hits! He's on pace for 63 doubles and 39 homers, but is batting "only" .306. He has only 64 hits, but 35 of them are for extra bases. That's unusual, but not wildly off kilter. If you want to see some numbers which are utterly crazy, look at the stats for Wells' teammate Jose Bautista. He has 30 extra base hits, but only 17 singles. (I guess The Blue Jays don't like singles.) He's on pace for 48 homers, but his .247 batting average will not impress many voters. His walks and power give him a very strong OPS, but voters tend to get turned off by those microscopic batting averages.
  
• Kevin Youkilis is not far off the pace, and could pass the top guys if he gets hot. Aside from the "big three" listed above, he's the only other American Leaguer with an OPS over 1.000, thanks to an impressive .449 OBP, and he's lined up for an unreal 141 runs scored to go with 30 dingers.
  
• Vladimir Guerrero is on pace for .335, 36 homers, 132 RBI.
  
• Evan Longoria: .316, 30 HR, 126 RBI and 51 doubles. He's the best hitter on the best team (so far), and that always catches the voters' eyes.
  
• It's not likely that the White Sox will contend, but if they pull off some kind of miracle, Alex Rios could get some support in the balloting. He is on pace for 42 doubles, 33 homers and 48 stolen bases, and is hitting .319.
  

Massive update this week, with some spectacular collages, including lots of frontals and some looks at Laetitia Casta in Gainsbourg, this time in Blu-Ray quality. Vive le France!

Actually it's five A-listers like Cruise and Gene Simmons, and their castles contrast to five others on the lower rungs of fame, like Susan Boyle and Kate Jackson. It appears that Jackson (of the original Charlie's Angels) lives a modest life comparable to the rest of us.

"Well, there's a big new scandal going on. Have you heard about this? Republicans are now saying that President Obama had Bill Clinton offer a job to Pennsylvania's Joe Sestak in exchange for dropping out of the Pennsylvania Senate race against Arlen Specter. It's kind of complicated. But if it's true, it's an impeachable offense. That's what they're saying. They're comparing it to the Clinton impeachment. Close, but no cigar." –Jay Leno

"Obama called the Gulf Coast oil spill 'an assault on our shores.' And then he said the same thing about fat dudes in Speedos." –Jimmy Fallon

"This is a crazy story. An American adventurist strapped himself to a bunch of helium balloons and floated from England to France. Immediately afterward, people in Mexico asked, 'Exactly how many balloons?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study found that the average person has lost an hour of sleep at night during the recession. Luckily, most of them can just sleep in late the next day." –Jimmy Fallon

"The president finally arrived on the Gulf Coast today to survey the damage. I thought this was telling, while he was there, FEMA arrived for Katrina. ... And George Bush saw him on TV. He called him up and said, 'You're doing a heck of a job, Brownie.'" –Bill Maher

"In a study of tropical guppies, scientists have found that the less attractive males have 'better sperm.'"

Issue all Americans special glasses and charge them $20 to look at the Gulf.

"There is no other known photo of Bobby [Kennedy] with Marilyn or JFK with Marilyn, and it's not because they were never photographed together," said filmmaker Keya Morgan, who now owns the only original prints of it. "In fact, they were photographed together many times, but the Secret Service and the FBI confiscated every single photograph."

Stoughton, who sold the prints to Morgan a year before his death in 2008, told him agents missed one negative in their search, he said.

"The Secret Service came in when he was developing the negatives and basically confiscated all the ones of Jack, Bobby with Marilyn," Morgan said. "The only one that survived is the one that was in the dryer."

There are four new movies this week, each of them in at least 2500 theaters.

• Marmaduke: 3000 theaters. It's THAT Marmaduke, the comic strip dog. No reviews yet, but I think you know what to expect.
  
• Get Him to the Greek: 2700 theaters. Lowbrow comedy from the guy who did Forgetting Sarah Marshall. 77% positive reviews. This is not the usual bogus Macgruber-like early score from quote whore websites like "I Will Suck a Director's Dick dot com." It has been reviewed by five major reviewers and four of them liked it.
  
• Killers: 2700 theaters. Katherine Heigl and Ashton Kutcher. He's a suburban husband who failed to tell his wife that he's also an international super-spy. Hint: it's not a hand-wringing drama. Not reviewed yet.
  
• Splice: 2500 theaters. Visually spectacular sci-fi/horror film with 82% positive reviews. Once again, this is not a bogus score. It has been reviewed by six of the top reviewers, and all six liked it.
  

The reporter said, "It's a fairly unethical thing to do."

Eh - no. The SUBJECTS of journalism are not required to abide by journalistic ethics. M.I.A. followed the ethics of gangsta rap, which are presumably somewhat different. As for the journalist - hey ... enter their world, live in their world. You're lucky she's only a rapper. The worst she can do is give out your personal info and tell the whole world you're a connivin', lyin' scumbag in a few songs and interviews. It could be much worse. Why not write a really negative piece about the prophet Mohammad and see how that works out for ya.

By the way, M.I.A. totally schooled the reporter on the "fair reporting" issue. The reporter's article contrasted M.I.A.'s radical politics with her eating a truffle-flavored french fry when they had lunch together. M.I.A. produced a tape of the conversation in which she demonstrated that the reporter ordered the fries!

In other words, the reporter ordered some sybaritic crap for the two of them, then wrote a scathing comment about M.I.A eating some of it! Do you have any sympathy for the reporter? Talk about getting your just desserts (or in this case just appetizers.)

There is an important lesson in here for all of you. ALWAYS tape the conversation when you are being interviewed, whether live or on the phone. Reporters will regularly misreport even the simplest, clearest facts. They will also misinterpret facts either intentionally or because they are just plain dense. They almost always miss the main point because they are trying to cobble your words into their preconceived ideas. When you subsequently call them on their bullshit, they will either offer a weaselly non-responsive answer or an outright lie. But if you tape the conversation, and tell them you are taping it, two things will happen: (1) they will be more careful because you will have stripped the outright lie from their arsenal; (2) they will probably still screw up (because reporters are even dumber than actors), and when they do, you will hold the winning hand.

(Actually, I have to be honest and say that it's more fun to tape the conversation and NOT tell them!)

Don't go thinking, "Oh, he's just ranting." You don't have to believe me. Just make the tape. I offer a 100% guarantee that you will thank me later.

So there you go. From the very top of the television roost to a job as director of a one-man play. And that one man is the least funny comedian in human history.

I would have said the "least funny human being," but I have it on good advice that Colin Quinn is funnier than Torquemada.

"Charlie Sheen made a huge mistake when he ran around the house with a knife and threatened to kill his wife on Christmas Eve, and that mistake of course was that he did it somewhere other than LA."

Amazingly, Colorado laws apply to stars! I imagine that will change in time. It can't be good for their high-end tourism.

And she even has a bear crotch.

Unfortunately, I spelled "bear" correctly. There seems to be a picture of a teddy bear covering her coochie.

In a short press release, Mrs. Gore said that there were no lovers in their lives, but that she was just tired of living with a sanctimonious ass. At the press conference she said, "You listen to that boring crap for 40 years and see if you can stand the sight of him."

"The transportation of nourishing bread crumbs came to an abrupt halt Thursday morning when ant colony 000082567KLN00067X collectively paused to remember the life of veteran worker FL77542PM4."

Are you surprised to read this? If so, I would love to sell you some lovely Florida real estate and a large bridge in the Brooklyn area.

The bad news:

"Lindsay Lohan’s big comeback was supposed to begin with her role as 70‘s porn pioneer Linda Lovelace in the film Inferno. It was perfect. Except they don’t own the rights to the story, the director has no idea whats he’s doing, they don’t have a cast and they don’t have a script.
Ahh, excuse me, they DO have a script! And it’s everything you might imagine from this group of consummate professionals. Lohan will have to play a role in which her character is 'thoroughly degraded. The movie is obviously designed to just outright disturb (with) the combination of childhood imagery and absolute outright depraved perversions. It’s hard to imagine the movie making it to theaters in its current form no matter who plays Lovelace."

The good news:

If it does get made, we are gonna love it.

Extremely unsafe for work.

worst.list.ever

Big deal. I once saw Giant Sinkhole open for Led Zeppelin in Belize.

Note: he's 32 years old.