"Were you aware that Uwe Boll, the modern-day Ed Wood behind such crappy video-game adaptations as Alone in the Dark, Far Cry, and BloodRayne, had made a Holocaust movie? Well, apparently he has, and, just in time for the Jewish holidays, here's the graphic, exploitation-y, NSFW evidence. In the just-released teaser for Auschwitz, the world's worst director himself — who, in 2007's Postal, joked that his films were paid for by Nazi gold — cameos as an SS officer guarding the door of a death-camp gas chamber. We see prisoners suffocating, being loaded into ovens, and having their teeth pulled. It's disturbing stuff, obviously"

"Hillary Clinton is denying rumors that she will replace Joe Biden as the Vice President in 2012. It's fun to have a Clinton denying stuff again."

"The Queen Anne table laid out for a silver service dinner achieved an average speed of 113.8mph, although it hit 130mph at one point."

Needs more Wonka, less Willy.

"Participants and officials with the 2010 Great Montana Sheep Drive said the running of the sheep was marred by rain and directionally-challenged sheep."

The total of 14 is the MLB record. The consecutive streak of 13 ties the record held by Lou Gehrig and Jimmie Foxx.

Maybe he just wore that eyepatch in Valkyrie to make him seem taller.

"Sure, The Godfather's a classic, but I don't recall hearing about any Natalie Portman sex scenes in The Godfather.

Here's my vote-- we could look to Darren Aronofsky's upcoming Black Swan, which features several heavily-erotic sequences starring Natalie Portman. I can already tell that there are some who will deny Black Swan's importance based solely on Natalie Portman-based nudity (did I mention there's a lesbian sex scene with Mila Kunis? Because there is), and that's understandable.

Some people are just sticks in the mud."

Asking price? $150M

It's Aaron Spelling's place.

"the nine-metre-high rocket only emitted a small puff of smoke, but otherwise stayed put."

The most prolific of the Christwire authors, "Stephenson Billings," author of the site's biggest hits like "Is My Husband Gay?" and "The Golden Girls: How One TV Show Turned A Generation Of American Boys Into Homosexuals," remains stubbornly anonymous.

"No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to text."

It was a very poor week in general, with no film grossing as much as $13m. Because all of the new films were R-rated, the lucrative teen/tween market was shut off this week, not to mention the family market. Because the rom-com was R-rated and raunchy, the date market was minimized.

Clooney's film took first place, and it grossed approximately what was expected of it.

Machete disappointed. It was expected to take first place with a total in the high teens, but finished third with a weak $11m.

Going the Distance bombed altogether. Despite being on 3000 screens, it grossed only about $7 million, and barely finished fifth. It lost to both of last week's films and almost lost to The Expendables! Among films screened in 3000+ theaters, it was easily the worst of the year. The previous worst was Marmaduke, which took in nearly twice as much! In fact, it was the 11th worst of all time in this category.

As the Douchebag of the Millennium awards mentioned, "Just as much as Barack Obama, Kanye West has been an inspiration to young members of America's racial minorities. It was just a few short years ago that only white children could dream of becoming the President of the United States or the biggest douche in the entertainment industry."

They make up for it by adding an "e" at the end of "sock," like Ye Olde Socke Shoppe.

Several films have scored 0% at Rotten Tomatoes, but only one of them has pulled it off with 100 or more reviews! Can you name it? Follow the link to see if you're right.

I've never seen that movie, but I have seen one of the runners-up. Two other films have scored 0% with 50 or more reviews: One Missed Call and Pinocchio. Pinocchio is every bit as bad as they say, and then some. (My review).

If we lower the requirement to 30 reviews, then three other films enter the list: Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2, National Lampoon's Gold Diggers, and Strange Wilderness.

Lowering the requirement to 20 reviews produces a fairly long list.

Machete and The American were locked in a race which will require photo finish to determine which was #1. Neither did very well, but they did better than Going the Distance, that R-rated rom-com with Drew Barrymore, which finished back in the pack at 5th after having lost to both of last week's films.

Shit! Anyone know where I can get a Cleveland Steamer on short notice?

Little known fact: the Cleveland Steamer was not named after the city, but after lust-crazed U.S. president Grover Cleveland. He is also considered to be the father of the Grover Grope, making him one of only three U.S. Presidents to lend two or more names to sex acts.

Four, if you count the Tricky Dick.

Little known fact #2: while every other world city is featured in the name of an obscure sex act, Bangkok is not.

"Drake officials are standing by the D+ campaign -- which college officials crafted with outside PR contractors. Defenders of the ad blitz described it as 'edgy and intriguing' in a letter to faculty and staff this week. The letter explained that the campaign 'was designed to catch the attention of high school students who are bombarded with college and university materials to the point that they are often in information overload and unable to differentiate among the many institutions that have contacted them.'

The letter didn't explain just why an educational institution would want to attract a corps of students lacking the ability to distinguish among institutions of higher learning."

Much like Cowboys and Russians

"Lindsay was leaving her apartment building Wednesday and was turning onto Holloway Drive with a green light. Lindsay 'ever-so-slightly tapped the stroller -- like 1 mile an hour.'"

Well, that's OK then. She just tapped a baby stroller with a car. No problem. Babies are field-tested to withstand much harder collisions with Maseratis and even with some non-Italian power cars.

Wait. She was driving a Maserati 1MPH through a green light? You have to admire her restraint, not to mention her precise control of that car!

"Angry parents who discovered that the pens given to their six-year-old children could project erotic images of women informed the headmaster."

"The German Communist Party deeply regrets what has happened and is outraged that this kind of thing, which borders on pornography, can be purchased in normal shops."
"

I think Kate Gosselin may have found a way to extend her career!

That headline is true, but misleading. It's because the entire category is dying. Letterman is doing even worse. Leno's worst summer is still beating David Letterman by 22% in total audience and the key demo. Some nights they both lose to Nightline.

What a chickenshit article.

The text read, "Hey Dawg, do you have a $20 I can buy right now?"

Note to self: call my drug dealer "Dawg" instead of "Dude"

They already have various series of simple books for kids which establish positive young role models, youngsters who are respectful of elders as well as intelligent and ambitious enough to solve mysteries and help the community. They feature characters like The Hardy Boys or Nancy Drew.

I'll bet the publishers could make a fortune with a series of simple books for old people which establish negative young role models. The Hardy Guys are now retirees who are still as naive and gentlemanly as ever. In the first book they have to keep old man Applegate's grandchildren off their lawns as the young punks look for so-called buried treasure. In the second book they live together in a house on a cliff, and one of their own grandchildren is out in her stroller when she is run over by a rude young mystery celebrity driving a Maserati.

"Gee Willikers, Frank, wasn't that ...?"

"Will anything happen to Lindsay? Probably not. If anything the cops will just make her tie a pillow to her bumper from now on."

His real name is Max St Pierre, and he has played about 1000 games in the minors in the past 14 years. He spent parts of seven different seasons playing for the Erie Sea Wolves in the AA Eastern league. In all that time he never batted in more than 56 runs in a year, and his lifetime average is only .251 in the minors, but he's a good defensive catcher, so he stuck it out thinking he'd be needed sooner or later. Took a while, but he was right. The Tigers called him up this week, and Detroit manager Jim Leyland promised that he would definitely use the guy.

Interesting sidebar: "Olivia de Havilland, who played Melanie Wilkes, is the only surviving lead cast member from GWTW." That's pretty impressive when you consider (a) the movie was filmed more than 70 years ago; (b) she played an adult role. For the record, she's 94 and made her film debut in 1935.

Bonus fact: Olivia's sister, Joan Fontaine, is only 15 months younger, and is also still alive. Joan also debuted in a 1935 film, and will turn 93 in October.

The two sisters were both nominated for the Best Actress Oscar in 1941 (ceremony in 1942). Joan won. Olivia, however, had the last laugh. That was Joan's only Oscar in three nominations, and she was never nominated after 1944. Olivia ended up with five nominations and two Oscars, with the last win coming in 1950. She also won two Golden Globes, with the last one coming as recently as 1987!

Estimates for the Beck rally run from a low of "three people including Beck" to a high of "everyone who has ever lived."

"Last night in only his second Oval Office address, President Obama announced the end of Operational Iraqi Freedom. He said we have given the Iraqis a Western-style government. Well, we certainly have, haven't we? Their economy is in shambles, their Congress is corrupt, the country is broke. Welcome aboard!"

With a little help from the bullpen, he threw a one-hitter and raised his record to 19-5. He's 15-2 since June 1.

Additional, semi-related baseball link: Jason Stark's ruminations on the Cy Youngs, MVPs and ROY awards. He picks Felix Hernandez (10-10) for the AL Cy Young over CC. Yeah, that has a chance. If I had to vote today, I'd probably vote CC, but I'd give serious consideration to 22-year-old Trevor Cahill, who has a better WHIP than King Felix and is 14-6 for the freakin' As, a feat with approximately the same degree of difficulty as the raising of Lazarus. The gap in Cahill's resume is that the Yankees have completely shelled him twice. He's allowed the Yankees 14 earned runs in ten innings (12.60 ERA). He's allowed the rest of the league 36 earned runs in 150 innings (ERA below 2.20).

"The movie is so damn out-there in every way that you can't help admiring Aronofsky for daring to be so very, very absurd."

Just when you think you know someone.

"She said she borrowed the purse that had cocaine in it when she was arrested in Vegas. If that’s true, she borrowed a purse identical to this one, which she bragged about on Twitter in July."

Do you think God reads these charts?

Yeah, that's the ticket. My in-laws are Russian, and I have been studying Russian at the local college, and I've been able to come to two major conclusions: (1) Russians need larger hats; (2) Russians just don't smoke and drink enough. The following is a quote from a legit newspaper:

"Smoke and drink more, Russia's finance minister Alexei Kudrin urged citizens on Wednesday, explaining that higher consumption would help lift tax revenues for spending on social services. 'If you smoke a pack of cigarettes, that means you are giving more to help solve social problems such as boosting demographics, developing other social services and upholding birth rates,' Kudrin said, quoted by the Interfax news agency. 'People should understand: Those who drink, those who smoke are doing more to help the state.'"

Oh, who cares, but this links to a pic of Christina.

"In T2, Skynet sends a Terminator back in time to kill John Connor at age 10, but the future John Connor sends back his own Terminator to protect his past self, probably forgetting what a huge dick he was when he was a kid."

"The President wanted a more casual atmosphere to work in. A queen-sized bed was just the thing he needed. This way he could think about world affairs from behind his desk or on his 1,ooo thread count sheets. It’s a bed worthy of a king.”

Belgium went at a bargain price!

The Marlins pitcher throws a pitch which was not intended to hit Nyger, but to provoke him. It was a set-up. As soon as Morgan charges the mound, 230-lb first baseman Gaby Sanchez is there with a closeline, WWE-style.

When I was a kid, Warren Spahn seemed to use this as a set play. Let's say some opponent would deliberately spike an infielder to break up a double play with a dirty move. As soon as that guy came to the plate, Spahn would throw a pitch behind the guy, not intending to hit him, but just to get him to charge the mound. As soon as he arrived, he would find not 170-lb Spahn, but the two muscle-bound corner infielders, Mathews and Adcock, who would double-team and pound the shit out of the poor guy.

"President Obama said he can't walk around with his birth certificate plastered on his forehead. Apparently he was reacting to new polls that show 1 in 5 Kenyans now believe he was born in Hawaii."

"Congress is very upset with Roger Clemens because they feel like they were lied to. Now they know how we feel."

Letterman's "Top Ten Things Never Before Said In An Oval Office Address"

"Gotta keep this short because I'm going on another vacation"

"Watch how fast I can spin in my chair . . . Wee!"

"Who wants Justin Bieber tickets?"

"Tonight's Oval Office address has been brought to you by Jimmy Dean Pure Pork Sausages"

"Kneel before General Zod!"

"Just back from a pleasure trip — took my mother-in-law to the airport. Hiyo!"

"This is what is left of Gagra, a resort city on the Black Sea coast.

With its climate close to subtropical, Gagra was a popular health resort in Imperial and Soviet Russia among Russian elite. It was a paradise with its pleasant climate, a royal palace and a number of buildings in an eclectic variety of styles from around Europe. The park that surrounded the resort was also very popular with tropical trees and even parrots and monkeys imported to give it an exotic feel.

Gagra had a population of 26,636 in 1989, but all-out war erupted between 1992 and 1993. Hundreds of thousands of Georgians were expelled from their homes or massacred. Gagra turned into a ghost town due to "ethnic-cleansing and mass expulsion of ethnic Georgians from Abkhazia."

This sounds like some kind of Onion premise, but it is a real news story. One man, one ball, one wildfire. No pelicans.

One fading star remarked: "$25? Righteous bucks!"

Oh, who am I to criticize? I awarded all my scholarships in one-dollar bills to chicks named "Passion" and "Destiny."

Here's how you know you're not rich - you take out long-term mortgages. Tiger is taking out a 64-month mortgage on a $54 million house. His payments must be approximately a million a month! (And that's not including his Manhattan place.)

So I guess he still has a few bucks left after the divorce.

Sen. Lisa Murkowski conceded her primary race last night. She is the third senator to lose renomination this year and the second to lose a primary.

Much has been made of Miller's endorsements from Palin and the Tea Party Express, and many media sources have treated him as a random Joe Blow plucked from obscurity, but he's actually very qualified on paper. He is a West Point grad. He received a Bronze Star in the Gulf War, and is still a captain in the Army reserve. He went back to school after the war and got a law degree from Yale. He again went back to school last year and got a Master's degree in economics!

Murkowski's ascension to the Senate was controversial in itself. Her father had been one of Alaska's senators, but decided to run for Governor while still an active senator. He won, then resigned his Senate seat. But here's the hook - under the Alaska law of that time, the new governor (Frank Murkowski) got to name the Senator who would replace the outgoing Senator (the same Frank Murkowski). Without any check on his power, he got to name his own successor as Senator. He named his daughter. This was so provocative that it caused the entire system to be changed so that the governor no longer has that unchecked power.

In her defense, it was only her 2002-03 term that was of slimy provenance, and the voters of Alaska didn't hold it against her. They respected her enough to award her another 6-year term in the 2004 general election.