C'mon, how naive do you think we are. You expect us to believe that Armenia has the internet?

"Gingival surgery would be more fun than watching this brain-draining, spirit-sucking attempt at a stoner spoof, which combines the cutting edge of frat-boy wit, the excitement of a mid-'80s made-for-TV action flick and the authenticity of a Renaissance Faire held in an abandoned field behind a Courtyard by Marriott. A bus trip from Duluth to Sioux City would be more fun, and don't think I didn't do my research: That takes 13 hours and costs 96 bucks."

And it took them only one hour with a New York phone book to find him.

In Rex Reed's apartment.

Gadhafi basically groveled and offered fulsome praise to Obama, who apparently was unmoved.

The bad news: Gadhafi will still have to step down.

The good news: he'll now be able to get a job at MSNBC.

Hop is expected to hold on to first place. The new films are expected to perform as follows:

Your Highness: 2600 theaters; second place; $15 million.

Arthur: 3200 theaters; third place; $13 million.

Soul Surfer: 2100 theaters; fourth place; $10 million.

Hanna: 2500 theaters; sixth place; $7 million.

If you've been looking forward to the remake of Arthur, I suppose you're in for a disappointment. Critics are saying the PG-13 re-Branding is not just bad, but painfully bad. 7% positive reviews.

So you comedy junkies will have to turn to Your Highness, which doesn't seem that much better. One reviewer hit the nail right on the head with the central problem of this juvenile, R-rated stoner comedy: "The target audience for Your Highness is at least four years too young to legally watch it." 36% positive reviews. Actually, 36% for a lowbrow stoner comedy is a pretty good score, approximately equal to 70% for a liberal sermon movie, because of the way that some critics offer knee-jerk responses to certain genres. My guess is that if you like stoner comedies, this will meet your minimal requirements, but not by much.

This week's feel-good family movie is the PG Soul Surfer. "A young, teenage surfer girl summons the courage to go back into the ocean after losing an arm in a shark attack." 36% positive reviews.

The critics did like one film this week, Hanna. "A teenage girl goes out into the world for the first time - and has to battle for her life. Director Joe Wright weaves elements of dark fairy tales into the adventure thriller filmed on location in Europe and Morocco." 83% positive reviews.

... starting point for the Larry King stand-up tour

The toughest part? Putting on those tiny little condoms.

And it's hand-crafted!

Much like my own boners.

"Charlie Sheen KILLED IT in Cleveland Tuesday night ... finishing a 2 hour performance with a STANDING OVATION!!!"

Why so different from Detroit?

Possibility one: I suppose he is learning what works and what doesn't.

Possibility two: They just can't stop lovin' the Indians' greatest relief pitcher, Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn, in Cleveland, especially when he comes out wearing parts of his Indians uniform.

Possibility three: Maybe he was just as entertaining in Detroit as elsewhere. Charlie bombed there, but it's difficult to tell whather it was because of his own suckitude or Detroit's. It's a suck-off!

Poor Detroit. As if that city didn't have problems enough, now people in every other city on Charlie's tour are going to be yelling "Fuck Detroit" at Charlie concerts. (Not to mention "Fuck that bitch" for the other Wild Thing, Charlie's ex-, Denise Richards.)

One thing is clear. There's a lot of love for Charlie out there. A lot of people identify with him, for reasons which I can sort of imagine but not fully comprehend. About a decade ago we ran a poll to determine the one guy who most embodies the spirit of the "Fun House." I thought Shatner would win, but I was wrong. Charlie was the guy, as our readers saw it. Here's what I wrote at the time:

"We have a new king of the Fun House. The torch has been passed to a new generation. I thought that Bill Shatner was the only guy for the job. After all, what is the Fun House about if not bad acting, bad singing, and the endless pursuit of chicks too hot for us? But you have spoken. It's time to let youth take over. Charlie Sheen has spent his life in the pursuit of fun times, often to the detriment of his bank account and his career. So I guess we can forgive him the fact that he doesn't try to sing in public. At least not that we know about. If any of you know Charlie, see what you can do about getting him to cut an album. And don't accept the excuse that he can't sing. Did that ever stop Shatner?"

As many a Wisconsin lad has done, albeit for different reasons.

And it hurt a lot. Watch his face just after it happened. Somewhere, George Lopez is smiling.

But Kirstie's dancing partner has to be smiling even more broadly than Lopez. He had Kirstie Alley fall on him - and lived to tell the tale.

Kirstie's performance, actually kinda good after the tumble, reminds me of a baseball story. Per the legend, Ty Cobb was once asked if he had anything good to say about the despised upstart newcomer Babe Ruth, who had his first big offensive year in 1920, Cobb's 16th major league season. The crusty old veteran said something like, "He runs pretty good for a fat man."

I remember him from my years in Texas, part one. He was on the local ABC station when I lived in Dallas in the early 80s. He was one bland and boring mofo.

But I guess that's OK for an objective newsman.

Perhaps the most exciting thing he ever did was to get kicked out of the Kremlin in 1998: "Moments after Clinton finished cutting a fat loaf of Russian bread Tuesday morning in Yeltsin's marble-and-bronze Kremlin study, the two men were jerked back to reality by a CBS News correspondent who suddenly asked: What about the economy? The correspondent, Scott Pelley, was seeking a response from Clinton about Monday's 500-point drop in the stock market. Pelley was escorted from the room by Russian officials and briefly stripped of his press credentials for breaking a promise to be silent."

Somewhere, somebody should be keeping a Bert vs Jesus count. I wonder which one appears to us more often.

Another Cracked misfire. They are getting sloppy. The urban legend is not that Krushchev said "we will bury you," but that it was all merely a mistranslation. He said, «Нравится вам или нет, но история на нашей стороне. Мы вас похороним». --- "You may like it or not, but history is on our side. We will bury you." ---

He later explained that he did not mean to imply that he would bury us in rubble, but rather that socialism would still be around when capitalism was dead. His clarification was quite fair, but the original statement was not mistranslated. That statement requires clarification because it is ambiguous, and it's equally ambiguous in Russian. The problems it caused had nothing to do with the translation, but rather the ambiguity. If we all understood Russian perfectly, we would have made all the same assumptions we actually did make.

A rare misfire for Cracked. Not only is the article not funny, but it is quite incorrect in many of its interpretations. Turns out many (not all) of the original cases WERE B.S, and so is this article. For example it tries to justify the case of the woman who sued McDonald's because she spilled coffee on her lap. How does it do so? By saying that the jury awarded her money!

First of all, that's pretty much exactly like saying that you are a fool for thinking O.J. was guilty, because a jury found otherwise.

But more important, the entire point of the original "frivolous lawsuit story" is to show how stupid the jury was, not to show how greedy Stella and her lawyer were. We automatically assume that people and lawyers will go for a fast buck if they see the opportunity. There's no news story there. Frivolous, greed-driven B.S. lawsuits are filed every day, probably by the thousands, and most of them get weeded out. But when one gets to a jury and that jury actually buys in to the B.S., then it becomes a story. Given that the jury's stupidity, not Stella's greed, is the story in the first place, the Cracked article actually confirms it rather than refuting it.

Here are the key facts:

1. McDonald's sells something like two billion cups of coffee per year, and has continued to serve it at exactly the same temperature after Stella's lawsuit. No governmental body or safety watchdog has suggested that they change, or that they are endangering the public safety of two billion people every year, because they are doing exactly what they are supposed to do.

2. The standard for punitive damages in New Mexico, where the suit was tried, is "willful, wanton, reckless or malicious conduct." The National Coffee Association recommends that coffee be brewed between 195 and 205 degrees. McDonald's brews it between 180 and 190. Does that sound like it meets the legal standard of reckless conduct? Of course not. But jurors can be morons, and in this case, as in O.J.'s, they were.

In Russia, Everybody Loves Raymond is now the #1 comedy.

Although that could be because "Raymond" is the Russian word for "spare parts."

Snooki thought she had found her dream job until somebody read those last three words to her.

And right after that, they're going after Lisa Lampanelli.

I've brought this link back to clear up the wide-spread misunderstanding created by the Mail's lack of fact-checking.

This picture is not newly released. It has been around forever, and it's not Liz Taylor. The Fake Detective exposed it in 2002.

The woman is actually Lee Evans, and the photograph was taken by Peter Gowland in 1940, when La Liz was 8. It was published by Peter and Alice Gowland, in a book called "Classic Nude Photography," on page 39.( The entire book is online on Google Books.)

Submitter wrote:

"I missed this one. Netflix is going into Original Programming, and it is jumping in with both feet. House of Cards, starring Kevin Spacey. (You read that right, Kevin is going from movies to, not quite TV). And Netflix paid big for it, $100,000,000. Beating out HBO.

It's an interesting but, I guess, necessary gamble on Netflix's part.

• On the one hand, owning content in estate fee simple, removes some problems instantly. It is very frustrating for their streaming customers to have a show on demand one day and then gone for little apparent reason the next.
  
  
• On the downside, Netflix is now a competitor with ... well, everybody really. For a while, everyone was willing to cut their own throats to deal with Netflix because, with the death of the DVD market, they were the only guys with an open checkbook. However, in switching from purveyor to provider, Netflix turns every hand against them.
  
  HBO, is no loss for Netflix. They won't let them stream Tales from the Crypt reruns, let alone Boardwalk Empire. But Showtime has clamped down like a vice and even Starz which was Netflix's closest partner is suddenly putting their original content on a 90-day hold. So there is the problem for Netflix.
  

Netflix might just be big enough at this point to survive the transition ... except for one thing. It needs to be successful, and an American version of House of Cards will need a broad base of viewership to be successful. The British original was written by British Tories who saw the leadership of the Conservative party being hijacked by soft-shell fascists. Primeminister Frances Urquet was really just as much an enemy of the right wing as he was of the left. Right now it could ring very true, a ruthless Neocon Whip overthrows a weak Speaker of the House and then dethrones a good but naive president, taking the top slot for himself, but in so doing betraying every single conservative ideal. Do you really think Fincher and Spacey can deliver something like that? Casino Jack argues otherwise."

Celine Dion?

I take it Sinatra never heard "Good Morning Starshine." Makes sense. The man was not a big fan of hippie musicals ... or anything else about hippies.

... despite the fact that it was glued down!

Poor choice on their part. They shoudl have chosen a candle shop. It turns out that urinating on a sissy storefront is legal.

Turns out the little runt can really move around!

Trump must have been really upset that he didn't win our douchebag of the millennium competition, because now he's really stepping it up a notch. It's hard to figure where he's coming from with this latest nonsense. Is he stupid? Based on his past successes, one would have to guess "no." Is his alleged Presidential bid just some "street theater" designed to entertain and to keep himself in the public eye? Maybe, but I don't see the value in that. It would be a very funny idea to take a bunch of ridiculous public positions with a straight face just to see how people react, sort of like a wrestling villain, and Trump is good friends with Vince McMahon, after all!

But I just don't see The Donald being the second coming of Andy Kaufman.

Therefore, the only reasonable conclusion is that he is just utterly, shamlessly cynical, and willing to say anything or take any position if enough votes are involved.

Just what we need - a Nixon for the new millennium!

Given the decline of the CBS News ratings, I'm guessing that her successor will not get a long-term contract. If I were running CBS News, I'd make a big offer to somebody like Anderson Cooper for a year, with his renewal package tied to the program's share and/or the show's revenues. If he makes the pre-set goals, he gets a sweetheart deal for another year, with another similar clause for the next renewal. If he fails to move the needle relative to the competition, he's out and some other schmuck gets a chance.

The ranking, allthough obviously arbitrary, seems reasonable. There is a photo gallery for each woman, consisting mostly of lingerie and bathing suits.

Truly the Breakfast of Champions.

Pitching in relative obscurity behind Wainwright and Carpenter last year, Garcia was probably the most underrated pitcher in the game. He was third in the rookie of the year balloting, but somehow managed to go othwerwise unnoticed while going 13-8 with an impressive 2.70 ERA last year. On May 7th his ERA was 1.12. He'd be the ace on many staffs. In fact, he outpitched Carpenter last year!

C'mon. We all know that kids love tits. It's even immortalized in song. Sing along with me to the famous tune based on one of Shakespeare's hottest sonnets:

Boobies

Great big boobies

What kinds of kids love great big boobies?

Fat kids, skinny kids

Kids who climb on rocks

Tough kids, sissy kids,

Even kids with chicken pox

Love boobies

Great big boobies

The breasts kids love to suck

The 2011 Red Sox have been touted as one of the great run-scoring machines in history, but it was the Rangers who put on a tremendous show of power in this series. Kinsler and Cruz each homered in every game of the series. That's the first time in baseball history that two teamates have both homered in each of their team's first three games!

That Nelson Cruz must be one strong dude, because he reached the upper deck in the opposite field, and that's the kind of thing you would expect only from super-human guys like Bo Jackson. Cruz has been around since 2005, but has never had 500 at-bats in a season. Last year he had a .950 OPS. which was not that much lower than Josh Hamilton's. You have to wonder what he might do if he ever manages to stay in the line-up.

Hop kicked some serious ass right in the face of skeptical critics. It had the 5th-best April opening in history, and took in about as much as the next three films added together! Since it's Easter themed, it might also have some legs.

Insidious also did surprisingly well. It actually took in more per theater than Gyllenhaal's thriller, but finished with a slightly lower aggregate because of the difference in the theater count.

Source Code didn't beat its estimates, but it didn't fail either. It came in just about on target.

Sucker Punch took a serious tumble, falling an astronomical 68% from last week.

"We’ve been covering the salacious tale of Madam Justice A. Lori Douglas, a Canadian judge, for several months now. Justice Douglas — associate chief justice of the Court of Queen’s Bench of Manitoba, and a member of the Canadian Judicial Council — is currently the subject of an ethics investigation. As mentioned earlier, 'naked photographs of [Justice Douglas] engaging in bondage, playing with sex toys and performing oral sex were previously posted on the internet.'"

If you go to this page and follow the instructions in the blue section, you will see the uncensored photos, which are extremely explicit.

For the second straight year, Butler is in the final game. Their opponent will be U Conn.

VCU's Achilles heel, poor rebounding, finally caught up with them. They were outboarded 48-32.

U Conn has not lost a game all year to non-conference opponents. They were 9-9 against the Big East, but are 22-0 against others.

Gyllenhaal's flick did about as well as expected, but Hop outperformed the forecasts. And it's the kind of movie that does better on the weekend than on Friday night, so it should pull even farther ahead of the competition.

Insidious also did a bit better than I expected. I was thinking maybe $3-4 million and fourth place on Friday, but it actually made a very good run at second place, finishing almost even with Source Code.

This will raise the bar high this weekend. We hope that Evan Rachel Wood will clear it in Mildred Pierce.

It did the same thing to my Uncle Dwight.

now THAT's a bad day.

Her topic: "Kant or Hegel? Which one could party harder?"

It's about damned time. She's been body surfing in a bikini for several days. I was beginning to think she had the damned thing super-glued on.

Oh, yeah - and he's not planning to live there. This is the billionaires' equivalent of a vacation time-share, except without the sharing.