"Intelligence officials released five 'home videos' of Osama Bin Laden recovered from the Al Qaeda leader's compound after he was killed by U.S. forces on Sunday. We know what you're wondering: None of them, so far, are sex tapes.

Instead, the five videos — excerpts of which are below — are mostly outtakes from his propaganda films, plus, apparently, footage of Bin Laden watching himself on television (wouldn't you, too?).

The government is releasing the videos without sound so as not to 'spread the word of a terrorist,' giving enterprising young YouTubers a golden opportunity. (Someone get on the 'Yakety Sax' overdub, quick!)"

I may have to reconsider some of my positions on the worst films ever made. A video of bin Laden watching himself on video sounds like it might actually be worse than some of Kate Hudson's movies.

SOME of them.

If Martin Luther King were alive, he would change his dream to this, and check it off his bucket list, for what value is justice and equality without brainwave-controlled cat ears?

Now the scientists can get back to work on that pesky cancer cure.

Do not let George Costanza see this.

Thor pulled in $25m.

Fast Five held on to second place with another ten million. It has already passed 100 million.

Something Borrowed and Jumping the Broom finished 3-4 with $5m and $4m respectively.

All three new films performed approximately as expected.

Now that bin Laden is dead, Kate Hudson's name is the surest guarantee of an unwatchable movie.

Unless you count Vincent Gallo.

And it's hard to tell whether his films are unwatchable, since nobody actually watches them.

The overall No. 3 player taken in the 2008 draft was batting .449 at Triple-A Omaha when he got the call Thursday afternoon. The Royals said Hosmer would be at first base and bat sixth against the Oakland Athletics in the opener of a three-game series.

He's 6'4", 230, 21 years old.

Oh, Paulie, we hardly knew ye.

assuming you don't get arrested today for failing to wear pants.

Possibly the greatest living player.

Why "possibly"? Well, Musial is still with us, and it's hard to choose. Willie finished in the top ten in the MVP balloting twelve times, including ten in a row. Stan did it 14 times, including ten in a row. But let's say they are the greatest living right-handed hitter and the greatest living lefty. No matter which way you cut it, there's one thing that makes Willie special: there is no element of the game at which Mr. Mays was anything less than superlative. He had two 50-homer seasons. He hit over .340 twice. He knocked in 140 runs one year. He led in stolen bases four years in a row. He led the league in triples three times. He once led the league in walks. And in the outfield - well, here's what people say to this day: "He's good, but he's no Willie Mays." In other words, Willie is the bar that everyone else has to clear. To paraphrase Chevy Chase, he's Willie Mays, and you're not.

It took experts almost three seconds to determine there was no diary once they were informed that Hitler was a heterosexual male.

Well, that - and the drawings of unicorns.

Maybe. It sounds like a Weekly World News item to me. All three of them are dead, so there is no first-person account. No photos seem to have been taken on the journey and one of Liz’s pals denied it categorically, saying “Liz stayed behind and went to pray in a church, then went to Ground Zero. The airports opened and she flew home.”

But true or not, what a movie this would make!

Vanity Fair’s Sam Kashner said: “Brando allegedly annoyed his companions by stopping at nearly every KFC and Burger King. One can only imagine the shock their appearance caused across the States.”

You'd think somebody would have photographed three of the most famous people in the world at one KFC or another.

He was highly accomplished in many different roles in entertainment and the arts, but in terms of popular culture everything else takes a back seat to his having written West Side Story. Although he didn't write the lyrics for the songs, he was responsible for bringing Stephen Sondheim into the project for that purpose.

Laurents' play Home of the Brave, although a failure in its Broadway run (69 performances), has been anthologized and honored as one of the great American plays of the 1940s. Yes, that's right, Laurents just died yesterday, but he wrote an acclaimed play 66 years ago.

That's a full life.

Nouvelles Captures - Francais

New Captures - English

Yeah, I noticed Tommy Lee at the last MENSA meeting, and I guess you know that Sid Vicious came within a hair's breadth of proving Fermat's last theorem.

Derrick Rose became the youngest man ever to win the award. It was not a close ballot. Rose got 113 votes, everyone else in the league got 8 - added together.

The final rankings:

1. Rose

2. Dwight Howard

3. LeBron

4. Kobe

5. Kevin Durant

"Police arrested a 41-year-old man last week after he called 911 and told officers that he was not given the correct change after buying crack cocaine from a drug dealer."

... and the Royal Wedding night!

This is one of the most hilariously distasteful things Stewart has ever done. The usual problem with the Taiwanese animators in general is that they really don't have the comedy chops to match their imagination and animation skills, but when you join them to The Daily Show's writers, the result is gold, Jerry ... gold!

Legal briefs?

I haven't thought about him in years, and had no idea he was still alive, but I always liked his work.

He may have been the last living silent film star, because talkies have been around for 82 years. (Cooper started making films when he was three.) Since not many of us are familiar with the silent Lloyd Hamilton films which were once considered comic masterpieces, baby boomers probably remember Cooper best from the Our Gang reruns of our youth. (You may know them as The Little Rascals, with Spanky, Alfalfa, Buckwheat, etc.)

When I was a little kid, starting about kindergarten age, my grandfather and I would watch his two favorite shows every day. One was "Topper" and the other was Cooper's program, "The People's Choice." Given that the show was about a basset hound whose thoughts were heard by the audience, and given that I appreciated its wit, there is ample reason to conclude that my poor taste began very early in life.

Thor: 91% positive reviews, 3500 theaters.

From that 91% peak we have a bit of a drop off to two films which have been scourged by the critics:

Something Borrowed has the sure sign of a bad film: Kate Hudson. I like her, but pickin' scripts ain't her strong suit. 11% positive reviews, 2900 theaters.

Jumping The Broom targets the African-American audience, presumably not very effectively, based upon the 14% positive reviews. 1900 theaters.

Jodie Foster's The Beaver, which features the much maligned Mel Gibson, will make a small arthouse run (20 venues), so it's coming soon to a theater far from you, unless you live in NY or LA. Pretty good reviews: 70% positive.

He thinks Thor will take the top spot with about $65 million. Fast Five will hold on to second. Something Borrowed and Jumping the Broom are expected to finish 3-4 with $13m and $10m.

So what was Osama like as a neighbor? Did he borrow your power tools without returning them? Did he keep his grass cut and declare jihad on weeds? Was he nice to the neighborhood kids? Did he give good tips to the Domino's dude?

He was a great pitcher in 2006, but missed the entire 2007 season and has never gotten back to where he was. Maybe he's on his way.

Matt and Trey got 14 nominations!

"Subs™ are an innovative, new, urban fashion accessory specifically designed for people who wear baggy and oversized pants well below the waistline."

Where is the Urban Sombrero?

"Trump’s two-day hiatus from spewing messed up shit is the longest on record, experts say, adding to the pressure on the billionaire to break his silence with something truly craptastic. To that end, he has closeted himself with a circle of advisors including the Rev. Pat
Robertson, Charles Barkley, and Gilbert Gottfried."

"Elsewhere, in another setback for al-Qaeda, the terror network confirmed today that Osama bin Laden was the only person who knew the organization’s iTunes password."

So the largest beard in the U.S. is now Katie Holmes.

"Its mummified state suggests she could have been dead for close to a year."

She was 81 or 82 when she died, depending on exactly when that was.

Jeez. And I've just been hiring a clown.

... as the good lord intended.

News reader announces the death of Obama instead of Osama!

And before you jump on me for ridiculing a mere reading mistake, let me hasten to add that the guy specifically said PRESIDENT Obama, and the word "president" could not have been on his notes or the prompter.

Let's all hope that the Fox News viewers were happy to hear it was Osama instead.

I don't know what the record is for most consecutive games WITHOUT a hit, but Ibanez is off to a blazing start in his pursuit of that coveted honor. He is 0-for-31 in his last ten games .

Even more depressing is the fact that he was batting only .233 before the streak started. He has now worked that down to .154.

Ibanez has had a pretty damned good career. For a decade or so he could be relied upon to bat .280 or.290 with mid-range power. That distinguised series of years has been bookended by a horrible beginning and (so far) end. After his first two abbreviated seasons in the bigs, his lifetime batting average was .129.

Additional note, added later: I couldn't find anything about consecutive games without a hit, but MLB does have some records for consecutive hitless at-bats. Bill Bergen, a pathetically weak-hitting catcher from the 1909 Brooklyn Superbas, holds the record for a non-pitcher. He went hitless for 46 consecutive at-bats. Ibanez has a decent shot at that, but Bergen deserves that record. He's generally considered the worst hitter in baseball history among players with ten or more years of experience. His hitting was legendary. His lifetime OPS+ was 21. Compare that to 32 and 46 for Casey Wise and Ray Oyler, the two worst hitters in my memory. Bergen batted .170 lifetime, with two homers in 3200 at-bats. In 11 major league summers, he topped .200 only once.

Man must have been a helluva defensive wizard.

The overall record is held by Bob Buhl, a pitcher for the Milwaukee Braves. He was a very dependable second or third starter for the Braves in their glory years, teaming up with Spahn and Burdette to form an impressive troika. In fact, Buhl had the club's best winning percentage in their world championship year of 1957. He went 18-7 (.720, compared to .656 and .654 for Spahn and Burdette), and fashioned a very nifty 2.74 ERA. He led the league in W-L percentage and came very close in ERA (the leader finished at 2.66). Spahn almost unanimously won the Cy Young that year with 21-11 and 2.69, but Buhl's season was as good. You old-timers probably remember that Lew Burdette stole the thunder from both of them when he won three starts in the World Series. (Buhl started twice and was crushed by the mighty Yankees. He never made it through the third inning. Spahn was 1-1.) Manager Fred Haney made one of the most brilliant intuitive gambles in baseball history in the seventh game of that series when he started the red-hot Burdette on two days rest instead of Spahn, who was not only the Cy Young winner, but also arguably the greatest pitcher of his era.

By the way, Buhl did finish 14th in the MVP balloting that year, which is pretty damned impressive for a third starter.

So the man could pitch.

Hitting was another matter. His lifetime batting average was .089, and his adjusted OPS was below zero.

Buhl went 0-for-70 in the 1962 season. Counting his appearances before and after that season, he went 88 consecutive at-bats without a hit. That's the record.

Oh, yeah, maybe you are gloating if you like freedom and justice and that kind of stuff, but this is a terrible blow to the bad film lovers' community, which has lost its greatest star and auteur. And he died before he ever had a chance to co-star with Katherine Heigl.

He could be counted on to create his annoying films like clockwork, each of them equally lacking in warmth and humanity, each of them unwatchable for their bad writing and worse production values.

He was like the Middle Eastern version of Vince Gallo.

Except bin Laden had a slightly neater beard.

By the way, bin Laden was the 17th of his dad's 52 kids.

And they say middle children never excel!

Fox News did an exceptional job on this story. They "confrimed" the death of bin "Landen."

Landen was, apparently, the star of Little House on the Desert.

Solution from the criminal masterminds: shoplift a belt first, then the beer!

Fast Five easily took the top spot among the best April openers of all time. Only two other films in history have passed $43 million in that period, and Fast Five nearly doubled that, but the record is somewhat tainted by the fact that the last day was actually in May.

Meanwhile Hoodwinked Two and Prom settled into the list of the worst openings at the box office for 2,500+ theaters. We're not talkin' April here, but any month. Hoodwinked Two performed almost identically to last year's mega-bomb, MacGruber. If the list were to be restricted to April openings, Hoodwinked was the second worst in history, and Prom was the fourth worst. (The worst is a forgotten family film called Firehouse Dog.)

I guess those two films had some slim consolation. They seemed like Gone With the Fucking Wind compared to Dylan Dog, which took in less than a million dollars in 875 theaters. It was not a super weekend for Superman and Jimmy Olsen (Brandon Routh and Sam Huntington), who re-teamed as the stars of Dylan Dog. To put that film's performance into perspective, Hoodwinked Two was one of the worst openers in history with an average of $1600 per theater, and Dylan Dog barely managed half of that ($1000).

Off topic:

Prom actually had so-so reviews, but the critics hated Hoodwinked Two as much as audiences did. It finished with 10% positive reviews.

Once again, the infamous Dylan Dog managed to go that one better, racking up a powerful 7% on the Tomatometer.