"It's been a long time since someone has embraced the art form the way that I have? Perhaps it's been a couple of decades since there's been an artist that's been as vocal about culture, religion, human rights, politics. I'm so passionate about what I do, every bass line, every EQ. Why is it that you don't want more from the artist, why is it that you expect so little, so when I give and give, you assume it's narcissistic?"

I wonder how Lord Gaga feels about his runaway daughter.

"Jennifer Love Hewitt has the rare distinction of never having made a single "fresh" (above 60 percent on Rotten Tomatoes) film. Her average score of 18.9 owes to such duds as Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit (7 percent), I Know What You Did Last Summer (35 percent), I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (7 percent), and both Garfield movies (15 percent and 11 percent, respectively). If you count only actresses who have made at least 20 movies since 1985, the Worst Actress award goes to Mena Suvari, with an average rating of 32.7 percent."

Actually, JLG came close to a "fresh" with a 53% rating for Heartbreakers. In comparison, the legendary Kutcher has never even hit 50. But Hewitt has two zeros on the board, and Kutcher has never been shut out.

What would happen if JLH made a romantic comedy with Kutcher? Would the universe implode?

Their choices are spot on.

Verbatim transcripts. Unedited, I think. VERY horny stuff. Mucho entertaining.

Trump offered his usual sound, measured, sensitive take, calling Weiner a psycho with a death wish.

One more thought on Weiner's desire to be a caped crusader. It makes sense. Batman needed a Batmobile, and Weiner can step right in. There's already a Wienermobile!

Note to Jesus: choose new profession for second coming.

The pair exchanged more than 200 lewd sexts, Facebook messages, and even phone calls. She apparently saved every last scrap, because she provided the exact text with the original (lack of) punctuation, and knew the exact count. One exchange consisted of precisely "69 messages" not "about70."

Great stuff.

"He admitted to "jerking off" to her Facebook photos, said Weiss, 40, a former Democratic Party worker. At one point, the sex-crazed congressman wrote, "ridiculous bulge in my shorts now. wanna see?"

She replied, "Yea! can you send a pic?"

Weiner was happy to oblige.

"you give good head?" the pervy politician asked her.

"ive been told really good . . . and i love doing it," Weiss purred.

"wow a jewish girl who sucks [bleep]!" Weiner replied. "this thing is ready to do damage."

In those old movies, the editors always say, "It's not news when a dog bites a man, only when it's the other way around." In that spirit, I guess it's not really news that a porn star likes Weiner.

Wait a minute. They want him to resign because he lied and acted sleazy?

Dude, those are the things congressmen put on their resume! How do you think they got that job to begin with?

Best line of the article: "42 percent of women agreed that Weiner should pull out."

The guy battered some raccoons with a shovel and the police arrested him. That's Canada! In Texas they would have given him a medal. His neighbors kinda felt like the Texas treatment would have been more appropriate, and rallied behind him.

Here's a tip I learned from my experiences with raccoons in Texas. Don't be cruel to them, even though they are crafty and bold little pests (I actually found them in the house from time to time. They are very smart little buggers.)

Instead, get a big dog, and let the dog be cruel to them! My male lab found raccoons to be a tasty snack, and it saved me a fortune in dog food!

I'm kidding. My male lab really did attack them viciously, and it always resulted in a very bad fate for the raccoons, because Shadow would not respond when I called him off. He was just totally obsessed with those little critters, even though he was normally a very sweet-natured dog. Just defending his territory, I guess. At any rate, you don't really want that to happen, because raccoons so frequently carry rabies.

She held her party in the Anthony Wienerwald.

By the way, Anthony Weiner's name shouldn't really be pronounced WEE-ner, although he (or his family) have elected to use that pronunciation.

In German:

Wiener would be VEE-ner, meaning "Viennese; coming from Vienna."

Weiner would be VY-ner, and doesn't really mean much on its own, but "Wein" is "wine" and "weinen" is the infinitive "to cry," so "Weiner" can have all sorts of derivative meanings.

Oscar Meyer Wieners are spelled "ie," not "ei."

In other words, the congressman actually chose to call himself WEE-ner.

Which tells you quite a bit about the guy.

"Alas, it appears now that no one will be cashing in on my Weiner Hacker bounty. To reflect on this solemn occasion, I would like to offer a bit of poetry (with apologies to Percy Bysshe Shelley)."

Sample:

"My name is Weinermandius, Dong of Dongs:
Look on my junk, ye mighty, and despair!'

... as told to The Onion.

From the "too much info" category:

"I had a nip slip and I loved it! But my twat is fine!"

- Khloe Kardashian on Twitter this morning

I vaguely remember that it has been established that her director is NOT the father of her baby, but it's hard to imagine how else she could have gotten this role.

"This picture of Kathy Ireland from Sports Illustrated was my most cherished childhood possession. It was on my wall for years. If there had been a fire, I would have saved it before my parents. But now she’s 48 and has 3 kids, and yesterday she was in Hawaii to remind us that time is slowly but certainly turning us all into monsters."

When I imagine a list of the greatest living movie stars, I never think of Liam. I would name Harrison Ford, Sean Connery, Gerard Depardieu, Meryl Streep, Jeff Bridges, Robert DeNiro, Dustin Hoffman, Al Pacino ... maybe some others.

But on balance Liam belongs right up there, doesn't he? In his own quiet way he has assembled an impressive career filmography based on much more than just badassery, but enough of that as well, as demonstrated here.

"An excerpt from Marty Beckerman’s new guide to life and masculinity based on the works of Ernest Hemingway, The Heming Way: How to Unleash the Booze-Inhaling, Animal-Slaughtering, War-Glorifying, Hairy-Chested, Retro-Sexual Legend Within ... Just Like Papa!"

I saw her on the previews for next year's Dancing With the Fatsos, or whatever they call that weight-loss thingy. She's going to be one of the diet/exercise coaches for the next season. Anyway, point is that her body looked spectacular. Her legs are about as good as any I've ever seen. Her face, however, while attractive, didn't turn out as well as everyone thought it would. She looks a lot like Helen Mirren, whose father is Russian (her birth name is "Mironoff," although if you know how Russian names work, you know that "Mironova" would be more correct.)

Now that I think about it, looking like a young Helen Mirren is not such a bad thing.

She's 14.

Yeah. That won't cause any controversy.

By the way, Shakespeare's Juliet was 13, almost 14. In Shakespeare's source, "The Tragical History of Romeus and Juliet," Juliet was 16, but ol' Billy apparently wanted her younger.

Our short national nightmare is over. Weiner confessed to everything.

Boy, when this guy confesses, he don't fuck around! He not only admitted to everything he was accused of, but he also confessed to all sorts of things nobody ever even suspected. Turns out he kidnapped the Lindbergh baby, paid the rent on bin Laden's hide-out, wrote the script for the Garfield movie, and re-broadcast games without the express written permission of major league baseball. He was even the guy who beat up Dan Rather and said, "Kenneth, what is the frequency?"

Seriously, the Weinergate thing turned out to be just as we expected all along. He tried to send a direct Twitter message to the chick in Seattle and forgot to prefix it with "d." When he realized that he posted it publicly, he panicked, deleted it, and claimed he was hacked.

But I was only partially kidding about his bonus confessions. He admitted to a long history of sexually-oriented online and phone shenanigans over a period of several years, both before and during his marriage.

He also said he had no intention of either resigning or splitting from his wife.

"Imagine: A quarter-century ago, young actors like C. Thomas Howell, Jami Gertz and Kirk Cameron were among the most vital powers in Hollywood. And one man, agent Warren Klein, was their link to the studios and producers that would make or break their careers, much as they had for generations. Now imagine getting a hold of Klein’s voicemails.

Funny or Die did exactly that, dreaming up how the hyper-connected (and yes, fabricated) Klein might pitch things like Soul Man, Oxford Blues and Listen to Me (“It’s like The Karate Kid, but instead of Pat Morita playing Mr. Miata [sic], it’s got Roy Scheider”). Bonus for the photo selection that went into this; seeing the onetime heartthrob Cameron in those clown pants and suspenders just never gets old."

As mandated by the Magna Carta.

Our long global nightmare is over ... or is it just beginning?

"The four disciplines include - distance egg throwing, static eggstafette (Static Egg Relay), Russian egg roulette and egg trebuchet. To ensure fair play the Dutch Federation has invited World Egg Throwing Federation President Andy Dunlop to act as chief umpire."

Andy is going to be there? Thank heaven. Now we know things will be under control! There's nothing worse than a ref who kow-tows to the English and their legion of Egg Hooligans.

"Even Reese Witherspoon said 'motherfucker.'"

Reese was correcting Pattinson on a joke he flubbed. Some years ago he was cast as Reese's son. This year he did a sex scene with his former mom, making him a "mother fucker." Pattinson managed to say "fuck" but he seemed to be reading his joke and flubbed the punch line, which Reese delivered when she came up to the stage. In context, it actually sounded very funny to hear sweet little Reese Witherspoon cussing. Best moment of the evening.

Twilight won pretty much every award, which made for an awkward night because that turned the evening into the Rob Pattinson Show, but neither Pattinson nor Kristin Stewart has any stage presence at all. These two are not exactly George Clooney in the sprezzatura department. They act like shy 8th graders who are forced to participate in the talent show. They shuffle their feet and fidget and look down, and neither one of them can deliver a complete sentence without reading it verbatim. They are so inarticulate they make Sarah Palin seem like the second coming of Churchill. Fortunately, Taylor Lautner accepted the group trophy for "best film," and he does have some charisma and star presence.

Best line of the night: Jim Carrey, introducing the Foo Fighters. "Foo can be pretty nasty stuff, so we should be glad there's someone out there fighting it."

It might be easier for find 9 famous men who never had any illegitimate children.

She needs to offer no explanation. We all know that Paul Revere warned Moses not to bomb Pearl Harbor.

I've probably told this story about a zillion times, but Joey Heatherton once hit on me, and got kicked out of the bar/restaurant for pitching a fit after I declined. It happened in uptown Manhattan's toney 3rd Avenue restaurant The Sign of the Dove, in the piano bar. That was an excellent restaurant and a great watering hole, but is no longer there. It was razed around 1999 when its block was cleared for a high-rise.

So it goes.

Anyway, it sounds pretty cool that I shot down Joey Heatherton, but it isn't, for two reasons:

1. At that time she did not look like the "then" picture. THAT Joey Heatherton would not even have acknowledged my existence. She was too busy hanging out with Sinatra and his buds. When I saw her she looked more like the "now" picture, except somewhat younger.

2. The bartender told me that she repeated the same scene more or less every night with some unlucky random schmuck (I guess she lived nearby), and reacted the same way every time the answer was "no," which was frequently.

Wow, kind of a surprise for people who expected the movie to follow the book, and to remain PG-rated. Who would have expected to see Harry get butt-fucked so violently?

OK, I'm kidding. It's just the same old crap.

Huh?

Well, it turns out that's not illegal unless you happen to be drunk. They arrested him for public intoxication - a pretty lame charge that could be used to arrest the entire male population of Wisconsin every Friday night.

Paris's new show debuted with a rating of 0.2, which is probably lower than cable access shows.

I recognize some names on the list, but not that many.

X-Men First Class had the weakest performance from the X-Men franchise, despite the best reviews! (Actually tied for the series best with X-Men 2 at 88%). Here's what Box Office Mojo wrote about X-Men First Class's $56m opening:

"The debut of another fanboy fantasia, Watchmen, could be a comparison to First Class. Both were ensemble period pieces and both had exceptionally high results in Box Office Mojo's 'when will you see it' polling that didn't translate to correspondingly high grosses.

Distributor 20th Century Fox's exit polling indicated that 58 percent of X-Men: First Class's audience was male and 54 percent was over 25 years old. That means First Class skewed more male than Wolverine (53 percent). The hope now is for First Class to hold well moving forward, but that's unlikely, given the history of the franchise and the genre. The previous X-Men movies all flamed out after their first weekends, including the supposed good ones (X2 and the first X-Men). If First Class holds as well as the first X-Men and X2, that would give it a final gross range of $141 million to $162 million (Wolverine closed with $179.9 million)."

In other news, Hangover II dropped a steep 62%, but still held on to plenty ($32 million), and was easily able to stay in second place, given the absence of competition. (X-men was the only new film in wide release.) That was a disappointment. The first Hangover film had great word-of-mouth and dropped only 27% in its second weekend, but this version is obviously not the beneficiary of similar audience-based marketing.

"Oxford students threatened with disciplinary action over 'half-naked half-hour'"

Long story short, they tried to foreclose on him even though he paid cash for his house. A judge ruled that the bumbling BOA had to pay the homeowner's legal costs. They didn't comply with the order by the deadline, so the homeowner's attorney got a judge to send in the sheriffs to lock BOA's doors and start seizing BOA's assets, hauling it away in a moving van!

Unsurprisingly, BOA soon decided to fork over a check.

Despite receiving spectacular reviews and being the only game in town, X-Men First Class pulled in only $20 million on Friday. The Weekend Warrior had predicted a $72 million weekend for the film, but that number now seems unreachable. It seems to be headed for the mid- to high- fifties unless it really has a massive Saturday surge.

The Hangover II dropped 65% from last Friday, but it still finished second ($10m) since there were no other new movies.

TMZ.com reports that J-Lo could be in for some embarrassing moments. A Los Angeles judge ruled that she has no legal case to block ex-husband Ojani Noa from releasing their 1997 honeymoon tape. There's no actual sex on the tape, but it does reportedly show her famous booty and some spanking. Various web sites are now bidding on it.

Probe Could Give Weiner More Headaches

Is Weiner Being Frank?

Weinergate: The Plot Thickens

The Anthony Weiner Mystery: A Tough News Package to Handle

Weiner: "I'm Sorry I Was A Little Stiff Yesterday"

Did Anthony Weiner's Weiner Get Hacked?

Weiner's Pickle

Mr. Skeevy's Skivvies

The Swelling Controversy Surrounding Rep. Anthony Weiner

Weiner Should Bare It All

Weiner Pulls A Twitter Boner

Weiner Growing Testy Over Questions

Weinergate Rises To New Heights

Weiner Story Not Likely To Peter Out Soon.

"In light of events caused by a Ranker.com list that set off a national yearbook controversy this week that made some parents very angry, here's a list of the most ridiculous yearbook controversies in recent memory. From scandalous outfits, to accidental nudity, to some really, horribly racist practical jokes, here are thirteen yearbook controversies that teach us all that hey, maybe someone should be proofreading these things. "

Looks like the horny Gaul had a little too much gall when it came to our First Lady.

And I dropped out of computational neuroscience school because I thought it was boring! I switched to computational neuroscientology, which involved counting the number of beings killed by Xenu. Silly me. Look at all the fun I missed.

"According to author Antoine Buéno’s upcoming book Le Petit Livre Bleu (The Little Blue Book), Belgian cartoonist Peyo’s Smurf Village is not a delightful commune of azure munchkins, but 'the embodiment of a totalitarian utopia, steeped in Nazism.' Oh! Wait until you hear what he has to say about the implications of Shylock — er, Gargamel."

"Let’s all give a hearty welcome back to Monte Hellman, the celebrated auteur who gave us the legendary Two-Lane Blacktop — among other delights and curios of the ’60s, ’70s and ’80s — before taking a two-decade hiatus from feature filmmaking. The hiatus ends one week from today with Road to Nowhere, which first launches in New York on June 10 before rolling out to Los Angeles and other select markets in the ensuing weeks."

Tough news for those of you who thought they were the romance for the ages.

Both of you.

"Excerpts from the new Inspector Dan Rather mystery."

After the first round of photos, Blake Lively's rep issued the following statement:

“The photos of Blake Lively which have just surfaced on various websites are 100 percent FAKE. Blake has never taken nude photos of herself.”

I found it odd that it was such a direct statement of denial. Usually these sorts of official statements are couched in weaselly language, ala Anthony Weiner's non-denial denials. The denial in this case was so absolute that I was tempted to believe it until I read the rest of the rep's statement. Blake's rep threatened to sue any site publishing the pics. That was pretty much of a confession. If a website publishes the pics without claiming that they are Blake, there's no grounds for a suit - unless, of course, the pics really are Blake's and were stolen from her.

There is now a second set of photos issued by the original hacker, who seems to be upset that his credibility had been questioned. As WWTTD points out:

"If it wasn’t already clear it should be now, but don’t ever insult someone smart enough to hack your cell phone. Because now the guy who released the original 5 pictures has released 12 more to prove that these are, as was obvious from the beginning, Blake Lively. He was telling the truth the whole time, yet was labeled a liar and a fraud by some simply because of their own fear and insecurities. But hackers have feelings too. They’re not monsters. In a case like this you have to ask yourself if maybe, just maybe, we are the monsters."

Here are some mild samples of Ms Lee performing in a professional capacity.

"The hacker who claims to have naked pictures of Blake Lively has just upped the ante, scoffing at claims the pics are photoshopped ... and he's posted more pictures to prove his case."

Well, there you have it. No need for further discussion. The great and powerful Oz has spoken.

On the matter of rap stars and women's butt sizes, I defer to the wisdom of the greatest of all the knights, Sir Mix-a-Lot

"Russell Brand was in costume today on the set of ‘Rock of Ages’ in Fort Lauderdale. If you don’t know, this is based on a Broadway play, and will combine elaborate song and dance numbers with horrible 80’s rock with Tom Cruise with Russell Brand.

Which sounds only slightly more entertaining than combining a bear trap with my nuts."

North Korea's Chosun Central TV recently released the survey result of a 'Happiness Index (Gross National Happiness) of each nation,' which was conducted in North Korea.

According to the index, the happiest country in the world is China. North Korea is ranked no. 2.
The top five are rounded out by Cuba (3), Iran (4), and Venezuela (5).

The U.S. ranks last at No.203.

X-Men: First Class is the only game in town, and it is headed for the $70 million range. Who knows? Good word-of-mouth could elevate it beyond that level. It seems to be a superior film, so ...

Could we finally be getting an unqualified smash for a summer movie? It is running 98% at Rotten Tomatoes!

(This is their splash/promo page, but it will give you the idea.)

Submitter wrote;

"Morbid curiosity got the better of me. With proper makeup and lighting Chyna doesn't look hideous. Truthfully no one does. That's the point of proper makeup and lighting.

What surprises me is that she is using the name Chyna. Usually McMahon trademarks the hell out a wrestler's name and won't let the performer use it if they leave the WWE. Even Hulk Hogan had to become Hollywood Hogan for a while. Has there been a court decision, I haven't heard of?

Regardless, liquid finds its own level. Given Chyna's background and personal habits...well let's face it, she's been living the life of porn star for a while but without the specialized accolades and paycheck."

"Hooters spokesman Mike McNeil says the restaurant chain often hosts groups, including church organizations with teens and younger children."

Now that's religious education I can get behind.

They are from Sean Young's website.

The actual test is as advertised, but the website .... well, it appears that the talents which accompany extreme levels of genius do not include the ability to create web pages.

He refused to answer any questions directly, or to offer any denials - all of which makes him look both guilty and utterly weaselly.