"Everyone loves a boner, except for Glenn Close, who is completely sexless and has no use for erections at all. For the rest of us, the act of either giving or receiving a boner is like Christmas, two days a year. Why, I remember every year on my father's birthday around 10 p.m. I'd hear a hearty "Erk!" from my parents' room and then the next day my dad would whistle a jaunty sea shanty and my mother wouldn't make eye contact with me."