Tuesday, February 06, 2018

50 Worst Movies of All Time

Deslided: 50 Worst Movies of All Time

For comparison, here's IMDb's list of the worst 50.

Pretty good selection, including just about every one of those awful "parodies" produced by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. But I have to say that their focus is too narrow. I'd rather sit through almost any of these than to watch Last Year at Marienbad or any other heavy-handed Eurocrap art film, and some of the films on this list are masterpieces compared to the oeuvre of John Derek, master director.

As you undoubtedly know if you read this blog, I have possibly seen more movies than anyone who ever lived, and my vote for the worst I've ever seen goes to Glam. Just for a goof, I used to put this in the DVD player when people came over to watch some flicks. Nobody ever got through the first five minutes without begging me to stop it. That is literally true. Details follow.

I don't know how many movies I have seen in my life, but I have to be pretty close to the all-time record. I never got into silents, but it's almost impossible to find a talkie I haven't seen. 70s Eurotrash, 50s monster films, drive-in films, exploitation, art films, Disney films, Tarzan films, Bowery Boys classics, chop-shop Westerns with singing cowboys and Lash Larue, musicals, underground films from the beatnik days, gangster and noir films from the 30s and 40s, great movies, bad movies, foreign movies, American movies. You name it. Probably close to 50,000 films.

So when I read an internet comment about how some film or another is the worst film ever made, I instantly know a lot of films the commenter has never seen. He has never seen Island of the Dead with Malcolm McDowell, for example, or Going Overboard with Adam Sandler. And he has never seen Glam. Glam is my all-time choice as the worst movie I have seen among the tens of thousands. Whenever new people come around the house, I tell them that I have to watch several movies per day in order to keep up with my sites, and so I'll be popping one in from time to time. I then pop in Glam as a gag to see how long it will be before they ask if we can do something else or watch something else. Nobody has ever made it to the five minute mark. Nobody - irrespective of which kinds of movies they like. I don't even know if it is possible to find someone who would make it any farther than that. It would have to be someone very, very timid, who would hate it, but be too shy to say anything. It is absolutely incomprehensible gibberish. Makes "Battlefield Earth" seem like "Battleship Potemkin."

Here's what the movie is supposed to be about:

Hayseed wanders to L.A. to write. He finds it a cesspool of drugs and sex and violence. He writes about it. He is discovered. He must leave the spotlight before he gets corrupted. He searches for a woman to share his life with. After he sees his dream girl sunning herself, he has to figure out how to win her love without being killed by her mobster boyfriend.

I copied that from the box.

Personally, I have no idea what it is about. Most of the dialogue went something like this:

"Green, he's so green. He's green, know what I mean? Green. Green, I tell you. So damned green. He's green. Mua-ha-ha-ha! Green!"

Except they repeated stuff more than that. I just got tired of typing.

It really called out for Bill Murray to look them square in the eye and say, "Yes, I understand that much, but do you happen to recall what color he is?"

As I see it, here's what happened in the film. A guy who wears green arrived in LA to meet with his cousin who repeats everything thousands of times. The green guy writes some stuff in a book, and all the other characters think his writing could spur people to revolution. Tony Danza takes off his shirt and pounds somebody. Danza is a wiseguy who loves Natasha Wagner. But Greenguy loves her more purely, possibly because Danza is not green.

You ever wonder what Ali McGraw was doing post-fame? How about Valerie Kaprisky? Here's your chance to catch up on both of them, doing something which must somehow relate to the rest of the film, although I'm not sure how. All of the characters appear to be the hallucinations of a madman, so I assume the point is that the "writer" is insane, and we share his POV. Or maybe the characters are meant to be broadly satirical. There are flashbacks and flashforwards and dreams and drug-induced hallucinations and I don't know what else, but I don't have any clue what it was about, other than what I already said.

But I do know this - that guy was one green-ass motherfucker.


  1. Don't get me wrong, there's some real crap in this list.

    But it seems to really skew toward newer movies. Just think of every movie MST3k has spoofed. Even if you just limit it to color films, the 60s and 70s had some godawful stuff.

    Also, they're good at finding the lazy and inept stuff, but they give short shrift to movies that are competently acted, filmed, and - to a lesser extent - written; but that are just fucking excruciating to sit through. Where's Batman and Robin? Horse Whisperer?

  2. ...St. Elmo's Fire?

    I agree, you should make separate lists for movies where there's no discernible talent on either side of the camera versus those that have no excuse for completely sucking.