Kanamara Penis Festival, Kawasaki, Japan

On the Scoopy Calendar, this is the second most important holiday of the year, after Talk Like a Pirate Day.

These are our holidays:

March 14: Steak and BJ Day

March 22: William Shatner’s birthday.

First Sunday in April: Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day

Sept 19: Talk Like a Pirate Day

Sept 27: Wilford Brimley’s birthday.

Dec 23: Festivus

 

Like Easter, GPJPD it marks the beginning of Spring. I keep hoping they will make the pink peeps penis-shaped to commemorate the convergence.

A repeated word of warning for those who hope to attend: do NOT try to smuggle giant pink penises into Japan from other countries. In addition to the fact that you would face the dire legal penalties for giant penis smuggling (imagine Midnight Express, except with giant penises), there are simply good reasons why you should not do so.

  • First of all, they would not be sacred. Only giant pink Japanese penises have been blessed. That would be like trying to pass off a bottle of Ozarka from 7-Eleven as Holy Water in the Vatican.
  • Second, the Most Honorable Japanese Department of Agriculture and Giant Genitalia is concerned that introducing a new strain of giant pink penises into their eco-system could cause the native strain to mutate or die out. It’s the same reason why you can’t take frogs to Australia.

The main thing to remember is that there is simply no need for you to take such a risk. There are plenty of giant pink Japanese penises to go around, and that means a fun day for one and all.