The winners of the 2018 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest

The winners of the 2018 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest

“Dreaded Pirate Larry was somewhat worried, as he looked down at his boot, where his first mate was stretched out, making whooshing sounds, attempting to blow him over, that despite having the fastest ship, the most eye patches, and the prettiest parrots, his crew may need a few lessons on the difference between literal and figurative, as evidenced by the rest of the crew applying ice to the timbers.”