“God Purges Millions Of Souls From Heaven Now That Sexual Assault Being Taken More Seriously”

According to The Onion, the omniscient Creator of all things declared:

“I’ll admit it has taken Me a very, very long time to realize how serious an issue this is. But now that I’ve been made to see the truth and the light, there’s no going back. Even if the alleged incident took place years and years ago, we must do everything we can to strongly condemn such behavior.”