The Giant Pink Japanese Penis Festival has been canceled because of the pandemic, so most of the world will have to celebrate giant pink penises quietly at home.

A repeated word of warning: do NOT try to smuggle your own giant pink penises into Japan and celebrate this sacred holiday on your own (while maintaining a safe social distance from other penis celebrants of course). In addition to the fact that you would face the dire legal penalties for giant penis smuggling (imagine Midnight Express, except with giant penises), there are other good reasons why you should not do so.

First of all, they would not be sacred. Only giant pink Japanese penises have been blessed. That would be like trying to pass off a bottle of Ozarka from 7-Eleven as Holy Water in the Vatican.

Second, the Most Honorable Japanese Department of Agriculture and Giant Genitalia is concerned that introducing a new strain of giant pink penises into their eco-system could cause the native strain to mutate or die out. It’s the same reason why you can’t take frogs to Australia.

So, on this holiest of days, while we can’t congregate together, we will have to celebrate by honoring the memory of the Giant Pink Japanese Penis Days of happier times.