“Academy Condemns Will Smith For Most Violent Incident Since Frances McDormand Gunned Down 43 At 1997 Oscars”

“After Frances committed her horrible crimes, she cackled, shot several bullets into the ceiling, and then calmly walked up to the stage covered in blood to accept her award. We at the Academy swore we would never let a day like that ever happen again, but now that Will Smith has slapped Chris Rock, we fear those dark days have returned.”

At press time, the Academy refused to answer questions about why Frances McDormand’s Oscar had not been revoked despite the fact that she then used it to fatally bludgeon several security officers.