He comes for the souls, but stays for those delicious sizzlin’ steaks!
Very few people know that the Prince of Darkness likes his steaks medium rare, but they’re always overcooked down there in Hell, so he really enjoys an occasional business trip to KC. He will catch a Chiefs game from time to time, but he’s not really a football fan. He’s just a Swiftie!
(In baseball it goes without saying that he’s an Astros fan and usually sits with his close friend, Ted Cruz.)
Also, it’s nice to have a meal and small talk with some simple Kansas folks. Eating every meal with Judas, Hitler and Nixon can be tedious.
Judas: Hey, Nixon, enough with your pathetic crises, man. You wanna talk crisis? I betrayed the son of God. Let’s see you weasel out of that with some sappy speech about your dog. What was I going to say, “Look here, your omnipotence, Mrs. Judas wears a simple cloth coat, and I used my thirty pieces of silver to buy this cute little doggie named Checkers. The Judas kids love that dog, and I’m not giving him up.” God the Father was so angry he would have thrown Checkers into Hell with me and roasted both of us on a spit.
The devil came from Kansas. At least according to Procol Harum. Where he went to I can’t say.
Well, he does wear a Travis Kelce jersey, but most people just think that’s all about Taylor Swift. I’ve heard that Satan co-wrote her songs, but he may have started that rumor, and he is the father of lies.
Or at least he used to be.
And he may be from Kansas, but he always had more fun across the river on the Missouri side.
down to Georgia, I hear.
I played that song for my mother, raised in Cimarron, KS, one time. For some reason she didn’t like it.
Btw, Procol is one of the biggest “You’re joking?” omissions from the alleged Hall.
I could go on a very extended rant about Hall of Fame snubs, but I’ll rein myself in. Procol Harum, yes, but also King Crimson, Jethro Tull, Styx, Ozzy Osbourne (as a solo artist), Don Henley (ditto), Three Dog Night, Harry Nilsson, Warren Zevon, “Weird” Al Yankovic (I’m serious), and damn near every heavy metal band you’ve ever heard of. But Dolly Parton’s in. Whatever.
Judas doesn’t know what he’s talking about. All dogs go to heaven.
Weren’t there satanic rottweilers in The Omen?
Also, I thought you were a lawyer. Surely you’ve heard of Kingdom of Heaven v. Checkers.
I don’t know anything about Kingdom of Heaven v Checkers, but I have read the 1971 case,
United States ex rel. Gerald Mayo v. Satan and His Staff. In that case, Pennsylvania inmate Gerald Mayo tried to file a class action lawsuit against Satan (and his staff) because “Satan has on numerous occasions caused plaintiff misery and unwarranted threats, against the will of plaintiff, that Satan has placed deliberate obstacles in his path and has caused plaintiff’s downfall” and had therefore “deprived him of his constitutional rights” in violation of the United States Code. Unfortunately, for all of us who have been harmed by Satan et al., the case was dismissed. Mr. Mayo had failed to provide an address where the U.S. Marshall could serve Satan with the complaint. If Hell had an embassy in the United States, we might all be living in a Utopia. For sure, a certain overweight Cheeto wouldn’t be the favorite for the 2024 GOP presidential nomination.
I think Mr. Mayo’s mistake was choosing to sue Satan instead of the man in charge, i.e. God. While Satan doesn’t have an Earthly address (Mara Lago and Trump Tower have not been confirmed), God does have an Earthly agent. I was taught in Catholic school that the Pope is God’s personal representative on Earth. I thought about drafting and filing my own class action suit against God, listing the Vatican as the defendant’s address. But as an agnostic, I don’t necessarily believe the Pope exists. I don’t know that he doesn’t, but I can’t prove it either way. But it would be an interesting case to read if a devout Catholic decided to sue God.
…Satan: Damn, Nixon, AGAIN with the dog?!? Jesus H., uh…never mind. Pretty soon Hitler’s gonna start in about his damn lebensraum again. That’s IT!! I’m out of here, gonna go see where the Rams used to play and get a taste of Kansas City wine. And I’m taking a chick with big tits!
He doesn’t go there just for the steaks; they’ve got some crazy little women there.