Elke Sommer in that tender screen romance, The House of Exorcism (1975)

This movie was released a long time ago, but I believe the House of Exorcism is still there. It has gone through many owners and is now a Day Spa, operating as The House of Exorcism and Aromatherapy. It’s full service. The current owners will take away your wrinkles as well as your demons.

All those troubles go away while you are being relaxed by some soothing New Age music. I think Yanni and Zamfir do their live Christmas Concert every year. The demons definitely stay clear of that. Even archfiends from the lowest depths of hell have some standards.

This was her best nude scene, in a movie called Circle of Two. (1981) She was showing her stuff to an aged Richard Burton, who told her to get dressed.

(So you KNOW he was a talented actor, because that horny bastard seldom passed up a chance like this in real life. She was 17 at the time. Burton was 55 and looked older.)

The entire movie is on Youtube (below)

If you click on this, it goes directly to the nude scene, but you can always go back to the start if you want to watch the entire crappy movie.

Joanna Page’s amusing sex scene from Love Actually

The structure of Love Actually is sheer genius.

Here’s why:

If you’re like me, it’s not easy for you to get through a movie without a pee break. I need to leave, but hate to because I don’t want to miss anything.

About halfway through Love Actually, the director actually provides a pee break. Rowan Atkinson does some interminably long, slapstick routine as a salesman gift-wrapping something or another with excessive ostentation. I’m not sure exactly what he did, because I was pissing, but it was such juvenile humor that it would have embarrassed Jerry Lewis.

So if this movie comes up on cable or something and you can’t pause it, just wait until you see Mr. Fucking Bean, and leave to take a nice, relaxing whizz. You have a full three minutes where absolutely nothing happens. Bean will be finishing up his fumbling and silly faces just as you return. And this works out well because the rest of the movie is pretty damned good!

I think I speak for all middle-aged and elderly men when I say that Mr. Bean should be placed in the middle of every movie in a totally unnecessary three-minute scene. That way I would know exactly when to hit the head. This would be especially useful in the middle of one of those twisty thrillers, because I hate missing a crucial plot development. It doesn’t even matter if it’s a heavy drama. Hell, it can be a Eugene O’Neill script, or the filmed version of a Russian play, or even fucking King Lear. Bean won’t break the mood because he’s never funny anyway, just annoying. Anyway, if it’s some highbrow period piece, just say he’s the court jester or something.

But you should do this only for the theatrical release. You can cut his smarmy, mugging face out of the Blu-Ray, because I can pause that to take a leak.

You’re wondering who she is. Remember the little girl in Game of Thrones who had the Greyscale on one side of her face, and eventually got burned at the stake by her own father as a sacrifice to some silly god or another?

Well that little girl is 19 now and all grown up. It’s possible that “up” is not the right word there, because I think she might still be under five feet in height.

But she grew in all the right places. And she is so cute. As the young ‘uns used to say, she’s totes adorbs.