Category: Nonsense
“Glamorous poker star is slammed for distracting opponents with repeated X-rated wardrobe malfunctions that exposed her breast during a game – but all is NOT as it seems.”
(Prosthetic breasts.)
They love it so much that they have Ron Jeremy’s image on the provincial flag.
The article mentions that Mr. Big Stick is even better warm. Talk about your beloved holiday traditions. Nothing says Christmas to a Newfoundland gal like putting a big, hot pink stick inside her body.
By the way, the Mr. Big Stick Day parade seems to be a VERY close relative of the Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day parade.
The missionary also pulled a gun on the other guy! The confrontation ended with the holy man getting arrested, and others, including his children, being handcuffed. “Their journey through 17 states, where they passed out information about the gospel, ended with them in jail. The family bonded out of jail in Montana, but are required to wear ankle monitors at their home.”
Few people realize that Jesus, in his infinite mercy, occasionally had to kick some Pharisee ass when they disagreed with his teaching.
To me, the weirdest thing about this story is that the fight was over a parking space – in Montana. As I recall, the entire state is nothing but empty space, and there are maybe four cars. I think the sign on the border says “Welcome To Montana. Plenty Of Free Parking.”
“A European Union plan to throw a virtual party in the “metaverse” to engage young people in its policies flopped spectacularly after only six people turned up. The EU Commission’s foreign aid department splashed out $500,000 to create the metaverse – an online square where people could log in to a virtual concert to meet others and learn about the EU development policy.”
In Scoop parlance, it was a swanky bullshit dud, and I can’t understand it. Nobody could have guessed that development policy would fail to appeal to today’s kids. They love that shit!
The city of New York is looking for a rat czar, and will pay as much as $170,000 per year.
“The seemingly innocent footage from the 2010 animation shows a moment between Barbie and Ken, in which the latter is heard saying either ‘Oh, Barbie’ or ‘Oh fuck’.”
This nonsense has been around since the film was released. Not sure why it suddenly went viral.
“How do we do it? How do we manage, year after year, to assemble a collection of gift items of such consistently low quality? The answer, in one word, is ‘lack of integrity.’ Every year we spend literally several minutes going through the gift suggestions that have been sent to us by members of the public who have far too much spare time.
We choose only those items that meet our rigorous standards for inclusion in the Gift Guide, specifically:
1. They do not cost a lot of money.
2. That’s pretty much it on the standards.
It is because of all this rigor that we are able to offer you our Quality Assurance Warranty of Guaranteed Assuredness, which states that if you purchase an item featured in this Gift Guide, and for any reason you are not completely satisfied with it, simply deposit it in any participating dumpster and walk briskly away. We will take it from there.”
Least surprising observation o’ the day: “People often question the flavors and existence of our candy canes.”
And wouldn’t you know it, he never drew the “get out of jail free” card.
She posted this on Instagram
Continued from another thread.
Roger’s comment:
“I was going to try and wax even more philosophical about this, but it all just came down to the effects of the passage of time, which is something you become used to with…um…the passage of time. Darn, I really need to work on my profundity. Perhaps I could take lessons from UncleScoopy. His work in the medium of Burma Shave signs is a thing for the ages.”
My notes:
Philosophy and Burma Shave signs are extremely compatible. Here are some of the some famous five-sign sequences:
Plato wanted
Lust hedonic
But his beard
Kept her Platonic
Burma Shave
‘Twas other people
Gave Sartre trouble
Especially those
With three-day stubble
Burma Shave
When Beckett let
His whiskers grow
She said she’d wait
To kiss Godot
Burma Shave
Here is a man who has truly mastered playing with his cock.
The Carponizer Carp Calendar 2023
Oh, it’s better than it sounds.
And also worse than it sounds.
For, you see, it features naked chicks and giant carp. Together at last.
As the good lord intended.
By the way, this is not the first time their calendar has made my annual gift recommendations.
Talk about a holy trinity!
I often begin my comments with “as the good lord intended,” but I doubt that the good lord, in his infinite wisdom and mercy, had this in mind.
“Sts. Peter and Paul Catholic Church got rid of the altar — Archbishop Gregory Aymond ordered it burned — and replaced it with a new one.”
“Explaining that it was best to put him out of his misery as quickly as possible, local father and birthday party host Ian Klassen reportedly took an injured clown behind the bouncy house Friday to shoot him.”
“‘He immediately tried to get back up and start juggling, but collapsed as soon as he put weight on the leg. He’s been honking his nose in distress. The smile is painted on, but underneath all that makeup, you can see he’s in pain. Well, let’s get this over with, and then we can have cake.’ At press time, sources confirmed Klassen had handed the birthday boy the shotgun, saying it was his son’s birthday clown and his son’s responsibility.”
That will teach the kid to be a man!
“Miami-Dade County and the Miami Heat swiftly pulled out (pun intended) of their partnership with FTX, the erstwhile namesake of the downtown arena owned by the county.”
Could it be the BangBros Arena?
The Booby Trap Arena?
Scoopy Stadium has a nice ring to it, if Uncle Elon will buy those rights for me.
Stay tuned.
I was laid off from Twitter this afternoon. I was in charge of managing badge access to Twitter offices.
Elon just called me and asked if I could come back to help them regain access to HQ as they shut off all badges and accidentally locked themselves out.
— Alex Cohen (@anothercohen) November 18, 2022
Per the comments, this turned out to be a hoax.
“Roberts added that he didn’t want the show to shy away from controversial issues, so he wished to state the Golf Channel’s official position that the murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi was well deserved.”
(The Onion, of course.)
“Dutch and Belgian police raided addresses in Noord-Brabant, Limburg, Utrecht, and East and West Flanders on Thursday in a major case of international manure management fraud.”
Only in Europe: “Farmers are upping production by using more manure than is allowed.”
(No, not that! Producing extra food? Is there no limit to their evil?)