Category: Nonsense
Yeah, like it matters. If Mondrian came back to life and saw it there, he probably wouldn’t even realize it was “wrong.”
Bullshit claim of the day:
“The thickening of the grid should be at the top, like a dark sky. Once I pointed it out to the other curators, we realised it was very obvious. I am 100% certain the picture is the wrong way around.”
Alternate bullshit claim of the day:
“The work does not bear Mondrian’s signature, possibly because he hadn’t deemed it finished.” Once again, if Mondrian came back from the dead, would he know whether it was finished?
Cosmetics heir William Lauder is tearing down a $110 million, six-year old mansion in Palm Beach, because … money.
“At more than 35,000 square feet, the mansion was designed to feature 16 bathrooms, a gym, barber shop, theater, and library. Last year, the property reportedly sold to an entity tied to William Lauder, a billionaire heir to the Estée Lauder makeup fortune, for an astonishing $110 million. But the palatial estate is apparently not up to his family’s standards. On Wednesday, the town approved a plan to tear down the home — built just six years ago — to the dirt.”
From getting ‘messages’ to enjoying a ‘piece’ – the most popular phrases that always cause confusion for non-Scots.
“‘UK’s dullest man’ selling calendar of favourite car parks”
“The most boring calendar of 2023”
It is no longer possible to distinguish reality from an SNL skit or an Onion article.
Reminds me of when Elvis net with Dick Nixon and was awarded a special badge.
“Well, Mr. President, if you want to get him a badge, we can do that.”
“Well, get him a badge.”
By the way, I am an aviator and secret agent, by virtue of the fact that I have a Captain Midnight decoder badge. Hey, it says “secret” right on the badge.
Although admittedly, showing the badge labeled “secret” does kind of spoil the secrecy.
“Justice through strength and courage.
And Ovaltine!”
In fairness to Herschel Walker, I sometimes pull out my Star Fleet badge to get past security at Star Trek conferences.
— George Takei (@GeorgeTakei) October 15, 2022
MT. CLEMENS HIGH SCHOOL STRIPPER PARTY (VIDEO)
I hate to be that “back in my day” guy, but the most exciting thing that ever happened in our gym is when they decorated it with cardboard lances, papier-mache armor and assorted King Arthur fol-de-rol for the “Camelot” prom. King Arthur was appropriate because our sports teams were the Kings, and our spirit animal was (oddly enough) Bea Arthur.
Kidding aside, when JFK died the country kinda went Camelot-crazy. That musical was a big hit on Broadway, and Kennedy really got caught up in the Arthurian idealism. He styled his cabinet as the figurative round table, and referred to his Presidential administration as Camelot. Sadly, Lee Harvey Oswald never foresaw the worst possible consequence of his action – that a grief-stricken America Would allow Robert Goulet to sing “If Ever I would Leave You” on every variety show for another twenty years.
As for the wild action at the prom that night …
When the chaperones/DJs got really crazy, they played a soft-rock song instead of the usual Jerry Vale tunes. It was utter mayhem, I tells ya. Why, some of the older, more sexually experienced guys even moved their hips when they danced, shocking the teachers and parents who were monitoring our every move.
Fouse
This brought back a lot of memories for me. I went to Bloody Summer Camp myself. A lot of my friends went to camps named Massawepie, Auvergne-Rhône-Alpes, or Surprise Lake, but my parents sent me to Bloody. My dad thought it would toughen me up.
“I want you to have all the benefits of things I never learned – like a dozen ways to kill a man with household objects,” he would often say. “You never know when you might need it.”
He was a gentle man, but practical.
He was disappointed that I flunked out of that session after failing the portion about killing with spoons. I could never figure out which end to use. This also made me a rather sloppy soup-eater.
Dad was almost as disappointed then as he was when I failed One-Hour Martinizing. I did my best, but I could never get it below 64 minutes.
SMU football’s game saw an unusual, lengthy delay. The Mustangs had to stop play because its mascot pooped on the field.
“The only problem was that it was not a small amount of feces. It was not an easy clean-up and the staff appeared to be unprepared for such an accident. They were out on the field picking up the poop by hand!”
“Let his decapitated head be placed upon a pike so that all ye who attend the farmers market held here every other Saturday remember what we do to wicked scofflaws in the state of Wisconsin.”
Michigan home inspector was secretly recorded by nanny cam. He “admitted to placing his penis in Elmo’s mouth.”
His defense: “Hey, isn’t it called a Tickle Me Elmo? I thought it was a euphemism.”
Michigan has some very specific laws. If you fuck Oscar the Grouch it’s all fun and games, but get a little BJ from Elmo and you’re headed up the river.
A threesome with Bert and Ernie could go either way.
Gotta love the British tabloids:
“Spanish bishop, 52, who quit clergy to be with erotic-fiction writing sexologist lover, 38, is accused of being ‘possessed’ as he finds new job exporting pig semen”
Again? That’s the third one this week!
Key term: “Semen Cardona,” the same name as the star of my high school soccer team.
“Princess Margaret helped flush poo by chopping it up with ivory-handled cake slice”
As far as I can see, the floating home only had one tiny flaw: it didn’t float.
Which pretty much means it wasn’t much of a home either, unless you are a fish.
But apart from that … total success!
The guy who created this clip runs the footage in reverse after she’s naked.
Here’s a sample from that beach scene, in which Bo has a conversation with Zorba the Greek, even though he’s dead.
This is one of her more obscure films, and not one of her better ones. With a deplorable 2.1 rating, it’s rated dead last at IMDb among the 21 films in which she appeared as an actress. IMDb’s bottom 100 lists 2.1 as the lowest rating of all time, although this film does not qualify for the list, for reasons unknown to me.
My choice as the worst I’ve even seen is Glam, which is literally unwatchable. I have shown it to people without telling them anything about it, and nobody has ever lasted five minutes before asking to do something else. Sometimes people hate a movie at first, but they say “Well, let’s see if it gets better.” Nobody has ever said that. It’s obvious that it can’t possibly reach the level of “watchable,” or even rise to the level of “awful,” which is far above its highest aspirations. It makes Adam Sandler’s “Going Overboard” seem in comparison to be a subtle, dignified masterpiece. Here’s my review from The Movie House.
Man charged with smuggling pythons in his pants at U.S.-Canada border
“The Onion’s amicus brief is itself written in a very tongue-in-cheek, satirical way, though its ultimate aim is genuine – to convince the Supreme Court to take up the case involving free speech and qualified immunity, a legal doctrine that largely shields law enforcement officers from constitutional claims and one that the justices have largely avoided questioning in recent cases.”
Here is the full text of the brief. The legal arguments are genuine, but it is written in their usual style!
For example:
“Rising from its humble beginnings as a print newspaper in 1756, The Onion now enjoys a daily readership of 4.3 trillion and has grown into the single most powerful and influential organization in human history.
In addition to maintaining a towering standard of excellence to which the rest of the industry aspires, The Onion supports more than 350,000 full- and parttime journalism jobs in its numerous news bureaus and manual labor camps stationed around the world, and members of its editorial board have served with distinction in an advisory capacity for such nations as China, Syria, Somalia, and the former Soviet Union. On top of its journalistic pursuits, The Onion also owns and operates the majority of the world’s transoceanic shipping lanes, stands on the nation’s leading edge on matters of deforestation and strip mining, and proudly conducts tests on millions of animals daily.”
Rutgers opened the week as 41 point underdogs against THE Ohio State University.
41 points? Ouch! (73% of the bettors have taken Rutgers and the points, which have now plummeted to a mere 39.5 from the opening 41.)
Rutgers, the Big Ten’s perennial punching bag, actually started this season 3-0 against non-conference teams, including a 66-7 drubbing of Wagner, whatever that is. Can a football team schedule games against dead German composers? In that case, I’m impressed that Wagner scored a TD. At least he must put on a good halftime show. I wonder if they bothered playing the second half after the fat lady sang.
The Knights stayed within 17 last week against Iowa in their first conference game, but I suppose the ol’ Rutgers dream bubble is about to burst against THE.
Miami Dolphins fans set up a makeshift strip club in the parking lot before the game.
Miami tailgates just slap different pic.twitter.com/fhX3l8OqfU
— Barstool Sports (@barstoolsports) September 9, 2019
One wag tweeted: “Disgusting! Does anyone know when the next Miami home game is?”
Hey, it’s good to root in Miami. Outdoors at Lambeau we’re lucky to set up a makeshift igloo. I once saw some guys ice fishing in their truck bed.
And that was a pre-season game in August.
“SCIENTISTS SAY … IT’S NOT AN IDEAL SOLUTION.”