“SCIENTISTS SAY … IT’S NOT AN IDEAL SOLUTION.”
Category: Nonsense
“A British soldier who was captured while fighting in Ukraine has revealed how he was forced by the Russians to listen to ABBA and Cher.”
“Two guests will have the opportunity to sleep in a luxurious double bed inside a glass dome – in a field full of numbered sheep”
“Japan-led researchers develop rechargeable cyborg cockroach”
And not a moment too soon!
Actual dialogue with a waiter: “Looks like we have a big cock. Can you handle it?”
Important note: this is not a confusion about a game bird or some accidental pun caused by a poor translation. “In case you’re wondering, the ‘cock’ in its name doesn’t refer to a rooster — it’s meant to mean ‘Big Penis Roll.'”
Because you just can’t shiver too many timbers, Jim-Lad.
I had no idea that “hornswoggle” was a pirate term. That seems like a dubious attribution to me. The only time I’ve ever heard it is in old westerns. Collins online says it is peculiar to American English, and Google’s N-Gram viewer shows no instances of the word having appeared in print before 1907.
Upon hearing the news, Ted Cruz suggested that we should also cancel Black History Month out of respect for the Queen. He seemed undeterred when informed that it would not be until February.
… A Gucci from your Cucci!
“Doc Johnson and Rose in Good Faith worked on this project for almost two years.”
This is a natural, as far as I can see, and I have become a self-proclaimed expert on this subject from watching a few minutes of one episode of Sex and the City. Based on what I have learned from that show, expensive shoes and dildos are a perfect natural pair because they are the only two things on earth that can actually make women climax.
“Concerned about how this accident may affect the OKC metro’s dildo and lube supply, I reached out to our friends at Patricia’s to see if everything was okay, and if they planned on having a candlelight vigil at the OKC Cockring. “
Not true. The cops actually plugged her in a Reno shoot-out, after she shot a man just to see him die. She was that kind of decisive leader.
You know some people will believe this nonsense. USA Today actually handled it as a fact-check, and they probably needed to! Scoopy’s First Law of the Universe is this: No matter how stupid any idea is, there will be many people who believe it, and even take credit for it. Some people believe the world is flat, or that ice dancing is a sport. If Trump said that Queen Lizzie died in a gangland rumble with Hunter Biden and JFK Jr, probably 30% of Americans would believe it.
I don’t know why people think “Enema” was a joke. I would have declared it the winner. It even resembles “Agena,” a name used in early rocketry efforts.
“A pair of dentures that belonged to Detroit Tigers legend Ty Cobb are up for auction online. Bidding on the item surpassed $14,000 Friday afternoon.”
Isn’t SDP the group that sang 99 Luftbaloons, or was it 96 Tears? Land of 1,000 Dances? 10,000 Hours?
Did you suspect that 7,000 severed donkey dicks, when smuggled without ice, might emit a suspiciously strong odor? If so, congratulations. You passed Phase 1 of the Nigerian Customs Exam.
I thought this one from the juvenile lit area was actually pretty good writing:
“Three bears arrived at their den to discover a yellow-haired girl sleeping, and as she was neither too hot nor too cold, neither too soft nor too hard, but just right, they ate her.”
He thought Mr. Hand was tough until he had to take Mr. Putin’s class. Now it’s on his permanent record.
I remember FEMS. I believe they got in a major Twitter war with Great White, the Electric Eels and Country Joe and the Fish after Rolling Stone ranked the top fish bands. (Phish won, obviously)
Far be it from me to debate Almighty Science or Almighty Headlines (the real culprit here, for oversimplifying the study’s conclusions), but I think the differentiation might not be in degree of motivation, but the target of that motivation. Yes, I would be just as motivated if I were stoned, but instead of being motivated to code the blog, drive to the store to get things I need, or solve some fun logic puzzles, I would be motivated to watch some comedies, eat some pizza and take a little nap, and I would probably be much happier than I am at a keyboard.
By the way, where would jokesters be without new studies? The studies, and the often errant headlines describing them, are the very lifeblood of humor for people like Seth Meyers (yes, and me).
“Scientists discover humans produce invisible aura of air-cleansing molecules“
I was shopping at Walmart today, because that’s the classy kind of guy I am, and I happened to notice that one of the Costanzamobiles was not available for use. (That’s the term I use for the mobility scooters, in tribute to George Costanza’s famous low-speed chase.) At any rate, the sign on it said:
Sorry, but my battery is currently charging. Please select another craft.
Craft? Really? Are we talking about Old Ironsides, or the Spirit of St. Louis, or the Space Shuttle? I’m not sure those would be ideal for navigating the pet food aisle.