Years ago I created a humor page of my suggestions for state slogans. For one of those sparsely populated states that nobody sane would visit, I suggested “always plenty of free parking.” At the time, I thought I was being absurd, but we now live in absurd times, so now we have …

Follow your curiosity, not the crowds.”

Unfortunately for them, I am mostly curious about things people like.

An example from this funny Onion piece

Bhutan

Education: 97% of residents know the sound of one hand clapping

Economy: Mostly service industry jobs of either taking people up mountains or carrying their corpses down mountains

Demographics: 65% National Geographic freelance photographers, 35% ethnic Bhutanese

Geography: Once beautiful, diverse landscape destroyed by monastery construction boom over past few centuries

Main Source Of Happiness: Watching Western backpackers think they’re having spiritual epiphanies

Of course not. It’s total nonsense, with no evidence to support it. The headline is click-bait. 

But as I thought about it, I realized that would be the ultimate act of loyalty. It would 100% guarantee an acquittal for Trump in the Senate, no matter what evidence emerges.

Bear with me for a second …

For the moment, let’s assume that tomorrow we find a video tape of Trump committing a completely evil act. He reveals the name of every undercover agent and informant overseas, or agrees to nuke California – make up any horrible crime you can think of.

  • If Pence is vice-president, the Senate would vote to remove Trump from office and accept Pence as the new POTUS.
  • If there is no vice-president, the senate votes to acquit. Not a single Republican senator would vote to remove – no matter what Trump is proven to have done – because removing Trump would make Nancy Pelosi president.

Pence’s resignation would be the ultimate insurance – an absolute 100% guarantee that every Republican senator will vote to acquit, no matter what they hear at the trial, no matter what they believe to be true.

That resignation leads to some interesting speculation.

 

Oops!

Police Department is warning everyone … stay away from ‘zombie raccoons.’

I understand they only hang around the trashcans of medical facilities, looking through the medical waste for discarded brains.

That warning came just in time. My dog has been straining his leash to play with the local zombie raccoon pack and, gosh darn it, I assumed it would be safe enough. I guess I was nostalgic because I can still fondly remember when I saw Zombie Raccoons open for the Beaver Brown Band at Varmintfest ’77.

“We use this trial to scrutinize the facts and then determine exactly how we will storm into the Oval Office, hoist the delighted president aloft, and regale him with spirited rounds of ‘Hip, hip, hurray,’ said Sen. Mitch McConnell”

“I understand my solemn role in this trial is to examine all the information at hand before passing judgment. Until then, it would simply be irresponsible to comment on whether or not we will incorporate party horns, noisemakers, or a big cake covered with lit sparklers into the proceedings.”

OK, Downey has had a great career. He’s entitled to screw up once in a while.

Some reviews:

“Zero stars. Everyone knows that if you don’t have anything nice to say, you shouldn’t say anything at all. Less well known is the adage: ‘You can’t publish a movie review that is entirely blank.'”

“Just when I thought Dolittle couldn’t get any less funny or idiotic, Robert Downey Jr. sticks his arms up a dragon’s asshole. And I do mean that literally.”

“There’s got to be a moment, as an actor watches himself on-screen pulling bagpipes out of a CGI dragon’s rear end, that he thinks, ‘Have I really fallen this far?'”

“Dolittle believes a vicious tiger named Barry getting kicked in the groin by a gorilla and exclaiming ‘Oh, my Barry berries!’ is the height of humor.”

“… like horse dung, with few laughs and no charm.”

“an unwatchable circus.”

“overproduced, charmless, tone-deaf misfire”

And so affordable for the average woman:

The lacquered bustier — retail value: $15,000 — encases the wearer’s chest to form a layer of protection. But unlike more traditional, less fashion-y armor, it’s done in a hot-pink hue and looks more like molded plastic than iron or steel.

I went to school with a guy named Boob Plate. If he’s still alive, this is his time. Of course, he preferred to be called “Bob pla-TAY.”

And while she’s in school, maybe she can find a quick refresher English course that covers the difference between “much” and “many.”

Burt played Robin in the 1960’s Batman show.

“Actor claimed his bulge was considered ‘too large for television’

Yeah, my dick is too large, that’s the ticket.

Ward continued …

“I was a straight-A student at UCLA. In fact, the Dean at UCLA was upset with me when I left in my third year to do Robin because she said I should have been a nuclear physicist.”

Yeah, my brain is even larger than my dick, that’s the ticket.

============

If Ward is not currently satisfied with his employment status, it strikes me that he would make an excellent press secretary for you-know-who.

I wish I was kidding, but am not.

Gwyneth Paltrow Is Selling A Candle That ‘Smells Like My Vagina’

So many questions. Just like HERS? Do her ladybits smell different from the others? Are they redolent of butterscotch, honeysuckle, fresh-baked Christmas cookies and a meadow of wildflowers after a spring rain? Or are they just your basic standard issue?

A unique legal strategy!

No, it’s not about Trump’s Senate trial.

A man said the woman who reported seeing his genitals was mistaken.

His barrister said the alleged act was “physiologically impossible.” He posed the “delicate question” to his client about his penis size, with an A4 piece of paper in front of him in court. He asked Mr Knight whether his manhood could get “anywhere close to coming over the top of that piece of paper.” He replied: “No.”

I am trusting the label on this one, because I have never heard of this film. I do recognize the actress. Lisa De Leeuw and Mike Ranger in something called Plato’s, The Movie (1980)

Of all the great philosophers, Plato probably had the best sex clubs.

Possibly excepting Spinoza. The ol’ Spinster had quite a way with the ladies. As he once said. “The second-highest activity a man can attain is learning for understanding, because to understand is to be free. The highest, of course, is getting some poontang.”

Also, at least in the gospel according to the Bruces, Plato was one of the better drinkers on Team Thought. (The Spinster was not mentioned in their canon.)

Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
who was very rarely stable.
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
who could think you under the table.

David Hume could out-consume
Wilhelm Freidrich Hegel.
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.

There’s nothing Nietzsche
couldn’t teach ya
’bout the raising of the wrist,
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
Plato, they say, could stick it away,
Half a crate of whiskey every day.

Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
And Hobbes was fond of his dram.
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart,
“I drink, therefore I am.”

Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed,
A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he’s pissed.

Gervais was brilliant, as always.

Some of his best zingers:

“Apple roared into the TV game with ‘The Morning Show,’ a superb drama about the importance of dignity and doing the right thing — made by a company that runs sweatshops in China. You say you’re woke, but the companies you work for, I mean, unbelievable: Apple, Amazon, Disney. If ISIS started a streaming service, you’d call your agent.”

“I came in a limo tonight and the license plate was made by Felicity Huffman.”

“Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, nearly three hours long — Leonardo DiCaprio attended the preview and by the end, his date was too old for him.”

“The world got to see James Corden as a fat pussy. He was also in the movie Cats.”

“But dame Judi Dench defended Cats, saying it was the role she was born to play – because she loves nothing better than plunking herself down on the carpet, lifting her leg, and licking her own minge.”

“It was a big year for pedophile movies: ‘Surviving R. Kelly’; ‘Leaving Neverland’; ‘The Two Popes.’”