The Man Who Killed Hitler And Then The Bigfoot

Starring Sam Elliot as said man

“Elliott plays a soldier who ended World War II by secretly assassinating Adolf Hitler for his crimes against humanity and mustaches. Forty years later, his old bones are pulled out of retirement for one last mission: to kill Bigfoot, who carries a terrible plague that could wipe out mankind …”

Imagine if every woman had this disease

… things would be exactly the same as they are now.

So basically this is the least important disease ever discovered. It’s not even worthwhile to treat, because if they cure her, she would just have to go to the trouble of listening to a man’s opinion before doing what she was going to do anyway.

Woman banned after riding cart while drinking wine from Pringles can

I love everything about this story, even the conclusion: “Investigators found the woman at a nearby restaurant and told her she was banned.” After she left the store premises, investigators tracked her down just to tell her that she could not go back.

Is this a great country, or what?

Since the dawn of homo sapiens, man has tried to solve the mystery of woman’s groin. After the failure of every wise man and poet from Adam to Homer to Henry Miller, who could have guessed the answer was in Fort Pierce, Florida.


As usual with these sorts of reports, the only genius in the story was exhibited by the headline writer. The story itself? Meh.

Christian Bale was pretty funny in general, but he definitely hit a home run by thanking “satan” for inspiring him to play Dick Cheney.

It’s just so rare for Satan to get the credit he deserves!

To be honest, Dick Cheney’s proclivity for evil is not the main thing I remember about him. The impression that immediately comes to mind is that everything he ever said was utterly wrong. From bad predictions to outright lies to ridiculous claims, he was the absolute master. Trump may say more incorrect things, but that’s because of his sheer output. Trump is occasionally right about something, but Cheney pretty much batted 1.000.

And what a pair of balls he had. He would say “I never said that” right after a reporter would play a tape of him saying exactly that – verbatim.

When Darth Cheney left office, his approval rating stood at a astoundingly low 13 percent, which probably makes him the most despised person in history ever to hold the office of President or Vice-President of the USA. Even Aaron Burr would have to high-five him on that number.

Forget those offices. What American in history would poll below 13%? Perhaps Charles Manson or the Rosenbergs would be lower, but Cheney has a chance to be the most despised American never to be convicted of a major crime. They didn’t have polls in 1865, but I’d guess that John Wilkes Booth would have polled better than 13%.

I miss Hunter Thompson in many ways, but one of my greatest regrets is that Hunter will not be around to write a eulogy for Dick Cheney like the one he wrote for Dick Nixon. I don’t know of anybody alive who has a big enough pair of balls to publish something like that in a major media source.

These are bad, but I think Babe Ruth topped them all.

The Babe tried to do steroids near the middle of his career. Of course, steroids had not yet been invented, so he decided to accomplish the same effect in injecting himself with ground-up sheep testicles. (He also thought that would give him a bigger bat in the bedroom, if you catch my rather obvious drift. Viagra had not yet been invented either.)

The Babe was great at baseball, but he sucked at PEDs. He made himself so sick that he missed about a quarter of the season and wasn’t his old self when he got back in the line-up, a situation the Yankees attributed to a “bellyache.”

(Investigative journalism apparently had not been invented either.)

See if you can tell which season he did this. Here are his triple crown stats:

1923 41-130 .393
1924 46-124 .378
1925 25-67 .290
1926 47-153 .372
1927 60-165 .356

I’m pretty sure you answered that question correctly, even if you know absolute zilch about baseball.

The Babe missed the first 40 games of the season, and then totally stunk for three more months. As of September 7th, he was batting .266 with 15 homers.

He finally recovered in early September. From September 8th until the end of the season, he batted .350 with 10 homers in 28 games, slightly above his normal pace. But that was too little too late for the mighty Yankees, who finished 7th! Here are the team’s finishes from 1921 until 1928

1921 1
1922 1
1923 1
1924 2
1925 7
1926 1
1927 1
1928 1

Again, I think the sheep testicle year is pretty obvious.

We have no information about how the injections affected his other mighty bat, but he also separated from his wife that same year, so you can probably make an educated guess.

Given that the Babe was already the best player on the planet before he tried the injections, and therefore had everything to lose, that may have been the most incompetent cheating of all time.

Here’s who would win a presidential race between any two people, objects or concepts

I found that Scarlett Johansson would beat Emma Stone 534-4, with Emma winning only New Hampshire!

UPDATE from the comments:

I decided to try a variety of abstract concepts (Love vs. Hate, Life vs. Death, etc.) Most of the results weren’t surprising, with the positive concept winning 100% of the vote.

What I found more interesting was this.

“Give me liberty or give me death”, indeed.

Scoop’s notes:

In the Liberty/Death challenge, one state was an exception – Missouri, I think. Otherwise, death rules, dude.

Additional comment:

I wonder if anyone could beat Meghan Markle except Jesus? Meghan easily defeats Oprah, Beyonce and Tom Hanks. The closest I could find was Demi Lovato. Meghan wins that match-up 283-235, with Illinois too close to call. Markle wins most of the Hillary States and Lovato wins the middle of the country.

Second UPDATE from the comments:

The answer to your Meghan Markle question is Taylor Swift 326-205. I can not find anyone to beat Tay Tay.

Scoop’s notes:

I didn’t think of her, but I suppose she is now the USA’s biggest star, which is cool, I guess. Sort of.

Two words: Pia Zadora! The Lonely Lady is now available in 1080hd!

UPDATED with info from the comments section.

The early 80’s were the era of Zadoramania! For a couple of years there, she was Johnny Carson’s favorite punchline.

Pia was chosen as the “worst actress of the eighties” by the Razzie voters, and that was an amazing accomplishment because she did not achieve that dishonor through a spate of consistently awful performances throughout the decade, nor did she achieve it with an eleventh hour 1989 stinker that was still fresh in the voters’ memories. She did it all with two performances from early in the decade: her jailbait/incest performance in Butterfly, and her incredible “I fucked my way to the top” speech in The Lonely Lady. She basically disappeared from view after The Lonely lady, but that speech, this performance, and this movie were all so bad that even her seven years in hiding were not sufficient time for the Razzie voters to forget her by the end of the decade.

The Lonely Lady was nominated for eleven Razzies in 1983. That represented 110% of the highest possible number, because they only had ten categories. It won six Razzies, a record at the time, including all the important ones: worst film, worst director, and worst screenplay. Two decades later it was still regarded highly (lowly) enough to be entered into the elite group nominated as the Razzie’s “worst drama of our first 25 years.” Battlefield Earth was the winner, and the other nominees were Mommie Dearest, Showgirls, and Swept Away. Impressive company, indeed.

Pia couldn’t act, but she was a pretty good singer, and had a decent musical career in the 90s and beyond. She is now 65 years old and living her life outside of showbiz. It has occasionally been a turbulent life. Wikipedia tells the story.

From the comment section:

“This isn’t exactly how I recall the phenomenon of Zadoramania. I’d say it wasn’t because of her speech, her performance, or her two terrible movies that Pia Z became a national laughingstock overnight. It was all due to her winning the 1982 Golden Globe award for “Newcomer of the Year in a Motion Picture”. Even though her no movie starring her had not even been released yet. (Yes, she’d appeared 18 years earlier as a 9-year-old in a Santa Clause film, but nothing after that). The only thing she had done that had attracted any notice at the time of the 1982 Golden Globe Awards had been appearing in Playboy (without revealing much) a few months before. And yet there she was on national television beating out Elizabeth McGovern (for Ragtime), Rachel Ward (Sharkey’s Machine), Howard Rollins (the star of Ragtime), and most incredibly Kathleen Turner’s in her iconic and career-defining performance in Body Heat! Beating them, as I say, for a performance in a movie that had had no commercial release yet but had only been screened in Vegas by her casino-owning producer/husband. Now this was a story. One that garnered national attention, some outrage, and became a mini-scandal. What I am saying is that this scandal gave far more attention to Pia Zadora than either of her film appearances, no matter how bad those films and her performances admittedly are.

So great was the stink of this award that the Wikipedia list of Golden Globe winners now simply says for 1982, that there was “no award”. Pia has been erased from history!”

Scoop’s response:

Yes, that is completely correct, except for the erasure from history. I’ve told the same back story elsewhere. My point this time was that people had not forgotten their outrage and general contempt eight years later, even after she had melted into the oblivion she deserved.

The thing about her being expunged from history is just Wikipedia’s usual dipshittery. Obviously some contributor disapproved of her, and the editors responsible for that page were too lazy to fact-check. The HFPA still lists her as their 1982 winner.

As for the movie, my (far too) detailed comments appear after the jump. (If interested, click on “continue reading.”)


Continue reading “Pia Zadora in The Lonely Lady”

“Are super-yachts the best places to keep your art collection?”

I’m thinking that The Art Newspaper must have the most upscale demographics in history: people who own both super-yachts and priceless art masterpieces. The good news is that they reach a highly targeted audience for their advertisers. The bad news is that the audience in question consists of only four guys. Still … if you’re selling private luxury jets, those are the four guys you want to reach.