“The Jewish Space Laser is mainly reserved for use in important ceremonial and ritual observances, such as warming challah for Friday-night dinners, lighting Chanukah candles when we run out of matches, alerting New Yorkers to sales at Russ & Daughters, and helping Mrs. Glicksman find Airplane Mode on her e-reader.”
Who says dreams don’t come true?
When I was an undergraduate hoping to win a Rhodes Scholarship and/or the national debate championship, I had high hopes, but not high enough to dream that someday I could cite an article called “Jane Krakowski Denies Secret Romance with My Pillow Guy.”
If my parents were still alive, they would be so proud.
For the record:
“Jane has never met Mr. Lindell. She is not and has never been in any relationship with him, romantic or otherwise,” her rep told Page Six. “She is, however, in full fledged fantasy relationships with Brad Pitt, Rege-Jean Page and Kermit the Frog, and welcomes any and all coverage on those.”
Lindell, meanwhile, told the Daily Mail he’s “never even heard of” Krakowski.
“Are you man enough to fill these outfits?”
“Conspiracy Theorists Protesting Comet Ping Pong Get Drowned Out By Lady Gaga”
“‘Tiger King’ star Joe Exotic fails to get pardon from Donald Trump”
“We eventually got it under control and threw it out the front door.”
Just as Brad Pitt did with the original.
“School apologises after asking children to draw very offensive owl.”
The teacher was really lazy because it would have been a crazy assignment even without the f-bomb. The “instructions” downloaded from the internet were not an art lesson, but a parody of an art lesson!
Step 1: draw two circles
Step 2: draw the rest of the fucking owl.
(Not kidding. That was the assignment!)
A parody Satan’s Twitter account had been gaining more and more popularity but at some point, it was taken down from the website, forcing him to move his operations to Instagram, where he continues to deliver sassy insults and clever insights to this day.
“Now’s your chance to own a larger-the-life version of The Hoff from Spongebob the Movie. You can also bid on his KITT Knight Rider car.”
“DR has a new animated series aimed at four- to eight-year-olds about John Dillermand, the man with the world’s longest penis who overcomes hardships and challenges with his record-breaking genitals.”
“I call on all American patriots to submit to the will of my insectile servants and ensure Donald Trump retains his rightful place as president of the United States”
Most foods fail to predict the future. Tea leaves? Fickle. Fortune cookies? Mass produced nonsense.
But the asparagus never lies. That is just good science.
“Jemima says she is ‘world-famous’ as the planet’s only ‘asparamancer’”
Pretty cute. Toward the middle of the game they even play a little D.
Russian commentator accuses Eteri Tutberidze of making figure skating a teenage sport
“Billie Eilish went ahead and took part in the ‘Post a Picture Of’ Instagram challenge going on RN, and it somehow resulted in her losing 100k followers—seemingly all because she posted some drawings of breasts. No words, but to quote Billie herself, ‘y’all babies smh.'”
This idea sounds good to me. I look forward to flying into Douchebag International.
Your tax dollars at work.
Fair warning: You are still forbidden to impersonate all other Smokeys, like:
or this Smokey:
or this Smokey:
or of course, Smokey Stover
TRIVIA: It was the Smokey Stover cartoons in the 1930s that created the term “foo fighters”
The surreal nonsense of the Smokey Stover strips was still appearing weekly in the Sunday comics when I was a kid, and I always found the strip bizarrely entertaining, even though all the inside jokes were lost on me.
“Iowa Democratic Party officials sense that there may be a problem with their new “app” when it declares that the winner of the state’s caucuses, with 43 million delegates, is Walter Mondale, followed by the Houston Astros”
“We’re trying to think of something nice to say about 2020. Okay, here goes: Nobody got killed by the murder hornets. As far as we know. That’s pretty much it.”
How does he keep picking up gorgeous women when there are so many available details about his former misadventures?
Isn’t it always the last place you look?
“Despite the Last Supper having taken place in Roman-occupied Jerusalem, 40-year-old amateur archaeologist and longtime enthusiast of grail lore Barrie-Jon Bower believes that the grail in fact lies buried in a secret crypt beneath a river in the West London suburb of Hounslow.”
I had my money on Poughkeepsie, NY, right behind the Market Street Sunoco. According to the legends of the Wappinger tribe, that’s just where it was buried by Joseph of Arimathea’s ne’er-do-well brother, Chuck of Arimathea, the first non-native to sail to America, a century and a half before Columbus. Although many of the early explorers were worshiped by the natives as gods, Chuck was so obviously inept that he was actually scorned as an inferior and had to conclude his life as a humble tradesman, selling and repairing used moccasins.
“For the past four years, I have worked tirelessly to keep our schools free from education. It deeply saddens me to think that all of my hard work will go to waste.”
“To hear some folks on the fringe tell it, the U.S. Geological Survey, which reported the Dec. 9 earthquake, wasn’t telling everything. What really happened, they say, is that the U.S. military dropped a bunker-buster bomb on a hidden horde of 50,000 Chinese troops.”
It is wise to remember the words of the world’s wisest philosopher:
“There is no idea too daft for people to believe and even take credit for.”
If that person is a guy, your problem is solved. (Provided you have an extra three million to blow.)
I’ll have you know that this won the Oshkosh Golden Wrench Award, one of the most prestigious wrench awards in the greater Lake Winnebago area.
“It was raining poop” declared one Cleveland denizen, apparently without that much surprise because, hey, it’s Cleveland.
God bless mother nature, she’s a single woman too
She took off to heaven and she did what she had to do
She taught every angel, she inspired every bird
So that each and every person could find a perfect turd
Oh, it’s rainin’ poop
… and says, “Can I get some service here.”
Clerk says, “Sir, you can stay, but your unsightly friend has to leave.”
Guy says, “It says at the door I can bring a service animal.”
Clerk says, “I was talking to the camel.”
In Nevada, “a CAMEL walks into a Bath and Body Works with its owner.”
I guess it was Hump Day.