Well, that was in March.
It’s OK now.
Well, that was in March.
It’s OK now.
“We will lay down our lives to protect this monument to Jellystone’s finest bear, whether or not he happened to be a defender of Southern slave states.”
Yogi may have a problem. Was Boo-Boo technically his slave?
“Oh, those blessings. How we miss them down here in Dixie. Not many people know it, but Jefferson Davis was a wonderful dancer. And could he put together an ensemble. Now there was a dresser! Not like Lincoln with those long black undertaker coats and those stodgy top hats. Hand he could not even say Dix-uh. He would say Dix-ee. It was not Dix-ee, it was Dix-uh, I say.
Now sing along with me …”
Boy, the way those slaves would sing
Back when cotton was our king
We loved almost everything
Those were the days
And we knew just what was right
Slaves were black and masters white
Mister, we could use a man like ol’ Jeff Davis tonight
Didn’t need no FICA fee
All our labor was for free
To fire help – we used a tree
Those were the days
This one is called “This Smells Like My Orgasm.”
Since this candle, when lit, is basically her burning bush, it’s only appropriate that it is being hyped by her son – whose name is Moses!
Not only other crap, but otherworldly crap. The International Space Station is getting a toilet upgrade.
“To boldly go …”
“The Mayan calendar, which spanned for about 5,125 years starting in 3114 BC — reached its end on December 21, 2012. The date was hailed by conspiracy theorists as being ‘the end of the world’, warning of an apocalyptic disaster. But when nothing happened, it seems these theorists worked out a flaw in their plan. Conspiracy theorists now claim the world could end on this revised date of June 21, 2020. ‘When in 1752 everyone switched to the Gregorian calendar, eight years were lost, which means that technically 2020 is 2012.'”
Who could have dreamed?
Tucker Carlson says the Coronavirus lockdown is causing people to prostitute themselves on OnlyFans, as the good lord intended pic.twitter.com/SYYYDKXyF8
— Acyn Torabi (@Acyn) June 12, 2020
In the first ten days of June, Tucker had only two advertisers who ran more spots than the Fox internal cross-promotions
Tucker Carlson’s biggest advertisers Jun. 1-10, according to iSpot
— T.J. Ortenzi (@tjortenzi) June 12, 2020
The advertiser exodus has happened despite the fact that Tucker has one of the highest-rated shows on cable – more than 4 million viewers some days.
Our great National Guard Troops who took care of the area around the White House could hardly believe how easy it was. “A walk in the park”, one said. The protesters, agitators, anarchists (ANTIFA), and others, were handled VERY easily by the Guard, D.C. Police, & S.S. GREAT JOB!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) June 11, 2020
I can’t decide which of his numbers I like best. The Lama’s unique version of “Baby Got Back” is great, and I love it when guest artist Lady Gaga sings “Hello, Dalai” to him, but I think my favorite is when he puts on blackface and does his Al Jolson impersonation on “Mammy.”
The only real disappointment on the album is his odd decision to select NWA’s Fuck the Police for his long-awaited duet with Tony Bennett, although one must concede his timing coincides perfectly with the current protest zeitgeist. The Lama always knows how to read the room.
Other tracks (from the comments):
Dolpopa Don’t Preach
I’m Too Zen (For My Shirt)
It’s A Beautiful Day In The Buddahood
I’m Like A Bird (In A Former Life)
Jonang On Me
Thangka For Being A Friend
and of course
I think he’ll have a ton of big hits.
Big hitter, the Lama.
“Cotton’s latest commissioned piece may be more political than his normal cartoons featuring his classic character, the Ozark Cave Fish, but it did touch on an important national issue in a different manner than the The New Yorker’s other cartoons.”
“Hotel Operator Angelika Hargesheimer, speaking with German media outlet Buten and Binnen, says her hotel’s classic furniture is not made for big butts.”
I guess Sir Mix-a-lot won’t be staying there.
We need a name for the newly expanded White House Fence complex.
— Rick Wilson (@TheRickWilson) June 8, 2020
La Cage Aux Folly
The MAGA-no Line
My selection for #1:
The Ego’s Nest
“The 23-year-old … entered the beauty contest as Miss Buchenwald”
Miss Israel did not fare well in that pageant. Miss Buchenwald almost won the coveted title of Miss Hitler. She did well in the heiling competition, but her goosestep just wasn’t as high as Miss Auschwitz’s. I think it would be great if they televise the finals next year. I even wrote them a tag line: “Watch the Miss Hitler pageant – it’s a gas!”
I only linked to the story because the Miss Hitler pageant caught my eye, but there are some interesting details within. The woman in question is accused of being a member of NA, an extremely far-right group that the UK has banned and designated as a terrorist organization. “She denied being an NA member despite attending the group’s rallies,” and being the former Miss Buchenwald.
Twitter offered many fine suggestions
I like a particularly mild one “We shall overcomb”
Barr says there was "no correlation" between his decision to clear Lafayette Square and the president's walk through the park a few minutes later.
— Brad Heath (@bradheath) June 4, 2020
Nope. Just a total coincidence. He was actually clearing out a path for his girlfriend, Morgan Fairchild. Yeah, that’s the ticket,
The venue of choice is Frank’s Banquet Hall in Paramus, where it’s always a far-right turn off the interstate.
“VP Mike Pence will love our beautiful mayonnaise fountain”
Frank’s Banquet Hall is a running joke on Colbert’s show. Every time Trump pitches a hissy fit about being unhappy with some venue, Frank’s is there for them. So far they have offered to host the G-7, the State of the Union and The Republican Convention.
“French winemakers will transform wine that went unsold during the country’s two-month coronavirus lockdown into hand sanitiser and ethanol to make room for the next harvest”
I saw Fatal Toad Venom and the Spanish Porn Stars open for The Frogs.
Senator @RandPaul is the ONLY Senator out 100 Senators delaying and standing against an anti-lynching bill.
How fucking gone do you have to be to obstruct an anti-lynching bill?
This is who the people of Kentucky elected to represent them. https://t.co/dJnFr1RSCA
— Don Winslow (@donwinslow) June 4, 2020
(Kidding aside, he wants to tighten the language.)
Related: “On the other hand, Trump holding up a blank Bible like that created a perfect Photoshop opportunity, and people have jumped on it with gusto, especially after The Poke pointed out that he was ‘basically begging to be photoshopped‘ with that stunt. The sign in the background also helps.”
Bringing to mind that great folk song:
“An Irishman, I am, I am, I drinks me Irish booze …
and if you don’t like me Irish song, I’ll throw up on your shoes!”
By the way, I hate to disappoint my fellow stereotypists, but the Irish do not lead the world in per capita alcohol consumption, despite their best efforts. Pussies. They drink a lot, but not as much as Czechs or Germans. They also trail behind Lithuania and Moldova, and consume about the same amount of alcohol as the French or most Eastern Europeans.
I'm just saying this bunker thing feels a bit on-the-nose to me.
— Mike Godwin (@sfmnemonic) June 2, 2020
“As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches 1”.
The best comment on Trump’s church visit came from Sulu:
Overheard: Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: For a photo opp at the church!
— George Takei (@GeorgeTakei) June 3, 2020
Amazingly enough, those words were not uttered by Trump but by the equally bimbonic Backdoor Teen Mom
— corinne_perkins (@corinne_perkins) June 1, 2020
Also, he would be good as head of the newly formed Ministry of Silly Standing
He would be the only Silly Walker and Stander to employ “vicious dogs and ominous weapons” to enforce proper silly posture.