Ukraine Hostage Standoff Ends After President Agrees To Promote Joaquin Phoenix Film

It’s not widely known that terrorists and extremists are HUGE fans of Joaquin Phoenix, especially his youthful debut in SpaceCamp. He’s not their only favorite. For relaxation after a hard day of mindless slaughter, car-bombing and hostage-taking, they love to wind down with a Hugh Grant romcom.

Rudy re-tweets a wacky conspiracy theory about Ilhan Omar somehow being a terrorist four years before she was born.

Per AP, which originated the photo:

“A woman recruit of the Somali Army checks her automatic weapon at a military training campus at Halane, Mogadishu, on Feb. 25, 1978. On the right is her instructor. President Siad Barre said at a news conference that regular Somali military units have not yet been dispatched in the Ogaden region to avoid international complications. (AP Photo)”

Omar was born in 1982.

But this is not the way to do it. The proper way, as always, is Thunderdome. Hillary vs Roger Stone – two jerks enter, one jerk leaves. Tell me that wouldn’t get eighty million households signed on for the PPV! How about James Carville vs Devin Nunes? How about the Battle of the Rhyming Bills – Bill Maher vs Bill Barr? I would pay to watch them bouncing around in those bungee chairs and slashing each other to ribbons.

You might …

Kanye West Presidential Bid Seemingly Ends 10 Days After Announcement”

Or you might not …

There are other indications that he’s in. The AP reported: “Rap superstar Kanye West has qualified to appear on Oklahoma’s presidential ballot, the first state where he met the requirements before the filing deadline. A representative for West filed the necessary paperwork and paid the $35,000 filing Wednesday afternoon”

Needless to say, because you are reading it on Other Crap, somebody leaked the plan itself.

Or maybe that was his plan all along. Maybe he only told one guy that he had a top secret plan, knowing that if it leaked, that guy had to be a leaker. Oh, man, my head hurts more than that episode when Kirk tricked Mudd’s robots.

I mean NOBODY knew, not even Lincoln himself. I still don’t believe it.

Consider the evidence:

Beards: Karl Marx, Lenin, Lincoln
No beards: Reagan, Quayle, Nixon

It’s obvious – Abe was a commie!

Plus, his sobriquet was “Honest” Abe. That doesn’t sound very Republican to me. I never heard Stone and Trump called Honest Rog and Honest Don.

“Recently, a graphic designer from Moscow, Lenivko Kvadratjić, made a bold move by reimagining the iconic Simpsons family living their most miserable lives somewhere in Russia. The designer was born in Siberia in the late USSR and later moved to Moscow to get his degree. “The Simpsons has a great influence on me and people all over the world. Many famous persons made intros for The Simpsons. I always wanted to make some parody version too with my country’s local flavor included. So I made it one day”

I assume “Lenivko Kvadratjic” is a pseudonym that implies Lazy Square, which is the English name of his YouTube channel, in a sort of Slavic mash-up language. I’m not a scholar in the Slavic languages, but he seems to play around with several of them to give his work a generic Slavic feel. He’s Russian, but the credits and captions in his Simpsons parody seem to be in the Czech alphabet rather than Cyrillic. Lenivko is the actual Bulgarian word for “lazy,” but it’s recognizable to Russians as well because the very similar ленивый is the Russian equivalent. I think kvadratić or квадрат, or something very similar, is recognizable as “square” across the Slavic world.

No! Not the dreaded “notice”!

After being informed that they were already on notice, Dean Wormer placed the “KPOP” crowd on double secret notice.

A woman responded to Home Depot’s request for her to wear a mask in their outlet. She refused, employing this Aristotelian logic:

“Yes, I am entitled. I’m white and I’m a woman,” Hill replies.

“What does you being white have to do with you being able to get your way?” Waters responded.

“Because I’m a white woman. That’s what happens. I believe in white power.”

This is not the best part of the story. That would be how it started – because the woman complained that other shoppers were not wearing masks. When told she also had to, she pointed out that the rules didn’t apply to her.

The latest in the trade war with China:

The news came during an impromptu press conference held during a tour of the South Carolina-based Big Jim’s Confederate Flag Factory”

“Fortune cookies, right? What are they? Telling the future? Witchcraft?” President Trump asked the assembled reporters. “Who has ever gotten a good fortune? Not me, certainly not me. All of them have been nasty.”

President Trump proceeded to read off a few fortunes from his prepared notes.

“’An act of kindness is worth more than all the money in the world.’ Wrong. That’s communist, Antifa propaganda.

For quite some time there has been a Twitter account called “Rogue White House Senior Adviser,” claiming to be an insider with direct access to the president, accumulating a quarter of a million followers. In the past week the author had been teasing that he would be revealing his true identity on Independence Day.

He finally claimed to be Jimmy Trump, aka James Maxwell Trump, secret love child of The Donald and Ghislaine Maxwell.

It was bullshit, of course. He posted a false birth certificate

… and his original picture was actually Kieran Culkin.

One of the choices is “Warriors,” which would allow the team to retain its offensive iconography and 90% of the racism.

Talk about tone deaf.

This reminds me of one of my fav movies, Evil Roy Slade. When a psychologist was trying to persuade Evil Roy to begin a new non-outlaw life with a new name, Evil Roy said something like, “A new name … I like that. Evil John Ferguson? Evil Fred Noland? Evil Lee Rich?”

Dan Snyder: “A new name? I like that. The Potomac Redskins? The DC Redskins? The District Redskins? The Capital Redskins?”

Y’know, Dan, a lot of black people live in DC. The National N…..s might be right for you!

I think the best way to handle this would be turn turn the racism backward and create an offensive white stereotype. Luckily, the “Brockmire” show has already done all the work:

That episode of Brockmire was filmed about a year ago, but life now mirrors it as the Cleveland Indians consider a name change.

All kidding aside, I’m not convinced that Snyder will really give in, but you can actually bet on what the new team name might be. “Presidents” is the current favorite. As a commenter noted, “People have been advocating for ‘Redtails’ after the airplanes the Tuskegee Airman flew. They’ve mocked up artwork and everything.”

Here are some possibilities from the fierce animal kingdom:

  • The Potomac Piranhas
  • The Washington Wolverines
  • The Capital Cheetahs

Oh, let’s not leave that kidding aside. How about some silly suggestions:

  • The Capital Won (should be easy to get a sponsor)
  • The Federal Express (ditto)
  • The Capital Ideas
  • The Washington Carvers
  • The DC Comics
  • The Deep State Eleven

From the comment section:

The Capital Punishment. They can have a mascot race in the sixth inning with different instruments of death… “And the guillotine wins by a head!”

Old news!

Important update: “Naked Man Rescued From Duluth Sewer System

I suppose it could be a different guy. The Duluth sewers are a popular nudist hangout. If you take the Miller Analogies, you’ll see this question

alligators:New York sewers :: nudists:_______ sewers

Don’t be fooled by the other tricky choices. There are no naked people in the Paris sewers. The French constitution requires them to wear capes and scary masks. And Gary doesn’t have sewers. They just go right in the the street.

Backlash? Who could have guessed?

“The independent film stars Bella Thorne and “is about a street-smart party girl with a Jesus fetish who gets mixed up in a violent drug deal and finds a possible way out — by masquerading as a Nun.”

(The same way I got out of Vietnam, by the way.)

It may have a way to go before challenging the weirdest portrayal of Christ, in Greaser’s Palace, one of the oddest movies ever filmed.

GP centers around Jesus returning to the earth in the old west, into the shabbiest, most run-down town in any dried-up gulch. (Well, I suppose Bethlehem was no Paris either.) He’s on his way to Jerusalem to be an actor/singer/dancer, and he’s a whiz at performing 1940’s boogie-woogie. Jesus, aka “Jessy,” is wearing a black and gray striped 1940’s zoot suit and a big pink hat, and looks pretty much like Jim Carrey after he puts on The Mask.

God the Father is a crusty lookin’ old cowboy greybeard. The Holy Ghost wears a cowboy outfit except for the bed sheet over his head with two eyeholes cut out, and he’s upset because The Father never gives him a chance to do anything important. Here’s the Holy Trinity:

Seaweedhead Greaser is the guy who runs the town, and he has constipation problems. He can’t move to action unless properly spurred by mariachi music, so his quartet follows him around in case he needs them. Like all movie strongmen, he has a wimp of a son, and he kills the kid, Lamy Homo Greaser, in the first scene, but Jesus later brings him back to life like Lazarus, and …

Let’s see. Tattoo from Fantasy Island plays a tiny homosexual cowpoke who makes a move on Christ. And there’s a 90 year old man playing a character named “Petunia”, clad in pink gingham drag. And there’s really no way to describe this without going through every discontinuous scene. It was directed by the supremely odd Robert Downey Senior, and will give you a clear hint that Downey Junior’s early drug problems may have been inherited.

OK, that’s a funny concept. I get it.

What I don’t get is why a store named Canadian Tire is advertising a back-to-school special in their window banners. Kids in Canada must have a special back-to-school experience – they get some new pencils and notebooks, a few new items for their wardrobe, and a set of radials.

Based on that window banner, the fact that they sell Mr. Potato Head, and the outdoor flower display, I’m gonna take a guess without looking it up that a Canadian Tire store is not like a Firestone Tire in the USA. I guess you can’t make much money selling just tires to a nation where the most common form of transportation begins with “On, King! On, you huskies!”

I can’t figure out why, but whenever I played Wild West with my childhood friends, they would all laugh at me when I said, “I arrest you in the name of the crown!” I guess maybe I should have watched some American westerns.

By the way, my Russian ancestors failed miserably at winter transportation. My great-grandfather, Дядя Скупов, kept tinkering with animal-driven sleds, but he never could figure the right animal. I suppose his worst failing was the cat sled. You needed about 500 of them just to budge the sled, and then they’d all wander in different directions when he would bark his famous command, “On, Puff! On, you tabbies!” Now that I think about it, the cat sled wasn’t his worst idea. The poor man died tragically the first day he tested his ill-fated jaguar sled.