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Category: Nonsense
People who cheer at your anger and meanness
Dreams about having a normal sized penis
Hannity’s voice on your phone when it rings
These are a few of your favorite things
Sups wins his semi-final match against Lex Luthor, takes on Vladimir Putin in the finals.
Putin defeated The Dude, Walter and Donny in the other semi.
“A display from The Satanic Temple-Chicago has been placed in the Statehouse rotunda, joining the Nativity scene to mark the Christmas season and the Menorah to mark Hanukkah.”
I’m not sure I see the point of this. The Christian and Jewish items are posted because this is a sacred season for them. So is this also a sacred time for Satan? You’d think it would be smarter to let the God people have December and then Satan could have January all his own. You would take down the Satan tree just in time for Black History Month.
Actually, I guess Satan would have October, and then the Prince of Darkness could use all the Halloween stuff for his iconography. But does Satan have any carols? No. C’mon get on the stick, satanists. You have a lot of catching up to do. I’ll start you off: I Saw Mommy Kissing Satan. (And I won’t tell you where her mouth was.)
A jury of his peers, namely his classmates, decided on the death penalty.
For the teacher.
(Just fuckin’ witcha. He was actually released on bail.)
“Football players suspended from team for running naked with Oreos wedged in buttocks”
If ever there was a fundamental human right …
UPDATE: from the comments section:
“Dark days are these indeed. We would do well to remember the Niemoller quote:
‘When they came for the men with Oreos up their asses, I said nothing because I did not have an Oreo up my ass …’”
“EXCLUSIVE: Accused perv gets off in subway masturbation case after large-penis defense”
Based on the historical precedent established by the Supreme Court in The United States v. Ronald Jeremy.
Officials say humans — not Satan — behind flaming hole in Arkansas
Satan, the father of evil, with the inhabited planets of several quintillion stars to attend to, probably doesn’t have time to dig a hole in Arkansas.
Maybe in Louisiana.
“Bad Sex in Fiction Award: Haruki Murakami, James Frey and Gerard Woodward among all-male shortlist”
My favorite:
Major Victor Cornwall and Major Arthur St John Trevelyan, “Scoundrels: The Hunt for Hansclapp”
“Empty my tanks,” I’d begged breathlessly, as once more she began drawing me deep inside her pleasure cave. Her vaginal ratchet moved in concertina-like waves, slowly chugging my organ as a boa constrictor swallows its prey. Soon I was locked in, balls deep, ready to be ground down by the enamelled pepper mill within her.
I think the committee was hornswoggled on that one. I find it hard to believe that anyone could write that poorly unless they were intending to. It sure sounds like it was intended as a parody. If it is serious, it should be declared the winner by unanimous affirmation.
“High-speed chase ends with police recovering $20,000 of maple syrup.”
Worst-ever remake of Thunder Road, or pilot for CSI: Canada?
Shatner performs Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer. The first minute and a half are just the usual cornball Christmas shtick, albeit Shatnerized. After that, however, it is absolutely surreal.
“That’s over $2 (per stick) for a stick you can probably find on the street.” Righteous bucks!
Now where’s my flying car?
“Border Patrol agent Dennis Dickey had come up with a hair-brained (sic) scheme to tell the world the gender of his unborn child. He planned to fire a gun at a target that would explode with either pink or blue powder.”
“Paul Manafort and Julian Assange did indeed meet on occasion to discuss how collusion was a bad thing they would ‘never, ever’ do. Sure, they met a few times, but the only thing they ever talked about was how much they hate collusion and anyone who participates in collusion.”
“Trump thought the military’s top officer made $5 million a year”
“When Kelly asked Trump how much he thought the Joint Chiefs chairman earns, the president responded with a guess of $5 million. The post actually pays less than $200,000. According to the report, when corrected by Kelly, Trump suggested that Gen. Joseph Dunford, the current chairman of the Joint Chiefs, should get a large raise and noted how many stars he had on his uniform.”
OK, two hundred grand isn’t that Trumpian, but there are plenty of perks. For example, each one of those stars can be traded in for a free foot-long at participating Subways, excluding premium sandwiches and double-meat upgrades.
Offer not valid in Alaska or Hawaii.
(This anecdote leads me to believe that Trump must not know his own salary, which is $400,000. Surely he doesn’t think that a military officer would make more than his commander in chief? No. Never mind. He’s not capable of a thought that complex.)
“Blac Chyna Selling Skin Whitening Cream”
“In a post on her Instagram page, she said she had partnered with a beauty line called Whitenicious to launch a face cream in Lagos, Nigeria’s largest city. The company website describes the Whitenicious x Blac Chyna Collection as an ‘illuminating and brightening cream that lightens without bleaching skin out.’ A jar of the cream, handcrafted with Swarovski crystals, will cost $250.”
Only $250 bucks per jar? Righteous offer!
Who knew that the people in Lagos had that kind of disposable income?
Shoppers found a DVD called “Dad is fucking my girlfriend” when looking for presents
And the oddest thing of all? It stars David Schwimmer.