The Man Who Killed Hitler And Then The Bigfoot

Starring Sam Elliot as said man

“Elliott plays a soldier who ended World War II by secretly assassinating Adolf Hitler for his crimes against humanity and mustaches. Forty years later, his old bones are pulled out of retirement for one last mission: to kill Bigfoot, who carries a terrible plague that could wipe out mankind …”

Imagine if every woman had this disease

… things would be exactly the same as they are now.

So basically this is the least important disease ever discovered. It’s not even worthwhile to treat, because if they cure her, she would just have to go to the trouble of listening to a man’s opinion before doing what she was going to do anyway.

Woman banned after riding cart while drinking wine from Pringles can

I love everything about this story, even the conclusion: “Investigators found the woman at a nearby restaurant and told her she was banned.” After she left the store premises, investigators tracked her down just to tell her that she could not go back.

Is this a great country, or what?

Since the dawn of homo sapiens, man has tried to solve the mystery of woman’s groin. After the failure of every wise man and poet from Adam to Homer to Henry Miller, who could have guessed the answer was in Fort Pierce, Florida.

———-

As usual with these sorts of reports, the only genius in the story was exhibited by the headline writer. The story itself? Meh.

Christian Bale was pretty funny in general, but he definitely hit a home run by thanking “satan” for inspiring him to play Dick Cheney.

It’s just so rare for Satan to get the credit he deserves!

To be honest, Dick Cheney’s proclivity for evil is not the main thing I remember about him. The impression that immediately comes to mind is that everything he ever said was utterly wrong. From bad predictions to outright lies to ridiculous claims, he was the absolute master. Trump may say more incorrect things, but that’s because of his sheer output. Trump is occasionally right about something, but Cheney pretty much batted 1.000.

And what a pair of balls he had. He would say “I never said that” right after a reporter would play a tape of him saying exactly that – verbatim.

When Darth Cheney left office, his approval rating stood at a astoundingly low 13 percent, which probably makes him the most despised person in history ever to hold the office of President or Vice-President of the USA. Even Aaron Burr would have to high-five him on that number.

Forget those offices. What American in history would poll below 13%? Perhaps Charles Manson or the Rosenbergs would be lower, but Cheney has a chance to be the most despised American never to be convicted of a major crime. They didn’t have polls in 1865, but I’d guess that John Wilkes Booth would have polled better than 13%.

I miss Hunter Thompson in many ways, but one of my greatest regrets is that Hunter will not be around to write a eulogy for Dick Cheney like the one he wrote for Dick Nixon. I don’t know of anybody alive who has a big enough pair of balls to publish something like that in a major media source.

These are bad, but I think Babe Ruth topped them all.

The Babe tried to do steroids near the middle of his career. Of course, steroids had not yet been invented, so he decided to accomplish the same effect in injecting himself with ground-up sheep testicles. (He also thought that would give him a bigger bat in the bedroom, if you catch my rather obvious drift. Viagra had not yet been invented either.)

The Babe was great at baseball, but he sucked at PEDs. He made himself so sick that he missed about a quarter of the season and wasn’t his old self when he got back in the line-up, a situation the Yankees attributed to a “bellyache.”

(Investigative journalism apparently had not been invented either.)

See if you can tell which season he did this. Here are his triple crown stats:

1923 41-130 .393
1924 46-124 .378
1925 25-67 .290
1926 47-153 .372
1927 60-165 .356

I’m pretty sure you answered that question correctly, even if you know absolute zilch about baseball.

The Babe missed the first 40 games of the season, and then totally stunk for three more months. As of September 7th, he was batting .266 with 15 homers.

He finally recovered in early September. From September 8th until the end of the season, he batted .350 with 10 homers in 28 games, slightly above his normal pace. But that was too little too late for the mighty Yankees, who finished 7th! Here are the team’s finishes from 1921 until 1928

1921 1
1922 1
1923 1
1924 2
1925 7
1926 1
1927 1
1928 1

Again, I think the sheep testicle year is pretty obvious.

We have no information about how the injections affected his other mighty bat, but he also separated from his wife that same year, so you can probably make an educated guess.

Given that the Babe was already the best player on the planet before he tried the injections, and therefore had everything to lose, that may have been the most incompetent cheating of all time.

Here’s who would win a presidential race between any two people, objects or concepts

I found that Scarlett Johansson would beat Emma Stone 534-4, with Emma winning only New Hampshire!

UPDATE from the comments:

I decided to try a variety of abstract concepts (Love vs. Hate, Life vs. Death, etc.) Most of the results weren’t surprising, with the positive concept winning 100% of the vote.

What I found more interesting was this.

“Give me liberty or give me death”, indeed.

Scoop’s notes:

In the Liberty/Death challenge, one state was an exception – Missouri, I think. Otherwise, death rules, dude.

Additional comment:

I wonder if anyone could beat Meghan Markle except Jesus? Meghan easily defeats Oprah, Beyonce and Tom Hanks. The closest I could find was Demi Lovato. Meghan wins that match-up 283-235, with Illinois too close to call. Markle wins most of the Hillary States and Lovato wins the middle of the country.

Second UPDATE from the comments:

The answer to your Meghan Markle question is Taylor Swift 326-205. I can not find anyone to beat Tay Tay.

Scoop’s notes:

I didn’t think of her, but I suppose she is now the USA’s biggest star, which is cool, I guess. Sort of.