“A Labrador Retriever leaps up and grabs a weather reporter’s microphone from her grasp during live TV weather report.” (It looks like a mature golden retriever to me, not a lab.)

OK, pet videos aren’t my thing, but I got soft because this is cute. The “pitch” above buries the lede, which is the hilarious chase when the reporter tries to get the mic back and the dog just takes off with her in furious pursuit. It definitely needs Yakety Sax.

“Tulsa County Sheriff’s Office deputies arrested 29-year-old Badlands McNally after authorities stopped to talk to him about the plane he was using.”

Hey, Dad McNally, when you named your kid “Badlands,” did you think that he’d become a philosopher or maybe go to dental school? Of course he smuggles Meth. It was either that or pro wrestling.

This is the rare occasion when one of the most sacred holidays of Christianity occurs on the same day as one of the most sacred holidays of Scoopianity. The Sunday after next is Easter, and is also Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day. The countdown begins.

(Because of COVID, Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day will probably not be very festive for the second straight year.)

In a site dedicated to crap, we have no choice but to worship Bill Shatner as a god. There is perhaps no man who has done more crappy acting and crappy singing than Shat.

As I see it, this makes him not only the greatest Canadian in history, but arguably the single greatest human being in the history of humanity.

(Possibly excepting Socrates and Randy Mantooth.)

All kidding aside, I think that Shatner has probably given my life more pleasure and laughter than anybody I know of. Granted, I was laughing AT him most of the time – but it still counts.

How he will celebrate

I don’t know whether Kirk was a better captain than Picard, but he was certainly more my kind of guy. Top arguments that Kirk is more manly than Picard:

13. Picard’s female officers think the captain’s “log” is some kind of wimpy electronic journal.

12. Sure, in their respective eras, they were both Presidents of the Hair Club for Men, but Kirk was also a client.

11. Quick query: what would Kirk have done if the chief of security showed up wearing a ponytail, or if the first officer ordered him off the bridge for his own safety.

10. How they react to cute, cuddly creatures on the bridge.

Picard: encourage science officer to adopt one.
Kirk: beam their cute, cuddly asses aboard Klingon ship.

9. How they would react to Deanna’s mother?

Picard: embarrassed tolerance.
Kirk: bribe Q to time-travel her butt to the Ceti-Alpha system, and let her read Kahn’s mind for a while.

8. How they spend their captain’s salary.

Picard: wise inter-galactic investments, and an occasional splurge on an ancient archeological artifact.
Kirk: blow it all on purple booze and green-skinned hookers.

7. Favorite character in 20th century Earth history.

Picard: Neville Chamberlain
Kirk: Wilt Chamberlain

6. What they do when Starfleet calls with unwanted directions.

Picard: Serious kissing of withered old admiral-butt.
Kirk: Leave communicator off the hook.

5. How would they relate to Counselor Troi’s mind-reading?

Picard: Purify thoughts with advanced Zen technique.
Kirk: Might as well get naked. She knows what’s coming.

4. How do they use the holodeck?

Picard: Wimpy 1930’s detective fantasies.
Kirk: Two words: virtual nookie.

3. How deal with primitive new civilizations.

Picard: Assist development within parameters of prime directive.
Kirk: Sleep with women, exploit men for cheap labor.

2. How they would react to Wesley.

Picard: Encourage development of mental and leadership skills.
Kirk: Use kid to get into mom’s drawers.

1. One Spanish word: cojones

“Cheese skipper flies, Piophila casei, lay their eggs in cracks that form in cheese, usually fiore sardo, the island’s salty pecorino. Maggots hatch, making their way through the paste, digesting proteins in the process, and transforming the product into a soft creamy cheese. Then the cheesemonger cracks open the top — which is almost untouched by maggots — to scoop out a spoonful of the creamy delicacy. It’s not a moment for the faint-hearted. At this point, the grubs inside begin to writhe frantically.”

Complete lists

I have to disqualify this year’s entire competition by invoking the Pecker Rule.

In my senior year of college we had our traditional vote for the douchebag of the year. My roommate, the Pecker, who was one of the election officials, tore up one of the ballots because none of the voter’s top ten choices included Fat Joe Carlson. This voter was disqualified for his obvious and complete ignorance, given that Carlson was not just a big, fat, fucking douchebag, but was the biggest, fattest, fuckingest, douchebaggiest guy in the history of Fordham University, which was no small achievement, because Donald Trump had preceded us there.

Invoking that precedent, I have to invalidate the Razzie ballot for its failure to nominate James Corden.

“Apparently Lola Bunny wasn’t the only Looney Tunes character who got a major visual makeover for the upcoming Space Jam sequel, Space Jam: A New Legacy. But at least Lola is still on the team! Pepe Le Pew’s makeover was a head-to-toe situation in that he was removed completely from the film.”

“Sources add that Warner Bros. planned to acknowledge Pepe’s reputation as a serial harasser and use it as a lesson about consent. The only problem is, the scene allegedly begins with Pepe sexually harassing a woman.”

At last, some sensible laws! Kudos to the UK.

Noise officers said they also received specific complaints about Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton’s Islands in the Stream.

I wonder what the charge would be for singing Terry Jacks.

Or even for singing the original Jacques Brel version of Seasons in the Sun:

I think the (loose) translation to English was actually written by the alleged singer/songwriter Rod McKuen, who was covered in even thicker treacle than Terry Jacks, if that was even possible. His song “Jean” is one of the few that can reasonably be presented as a counter argument when “Seasons in the Sun” is held up as the worst ever.

I love to write about the obscure underbelly of baseball, about guys like:

Bob “Hurricane” Hazle, a mediocre minor leaguer who had a miraculous dream-come-true season in the majors.

or

Frank Saucier, an amazingly accomplished man, and a potentially great baseball talent with a .380 lifetime minor league average, who had an embarrassing major league career, the highlight of which was that a dwarf pinch-hit for him.

I have planned other similar stories that sit as yet incomplete. I set aside tons of research to write about others like Floyd Giebell, Moonlight Graham (I assume you know who he was, thanks to Field of Dreams), and a certain Chicago schoolboy legend named Randall Poffo.

As you can see from the article below, young master Poffo was a serious and handsome lad who was once considered the best high school baseball player in the entire Chicago area. Some say he might have become a great star, except that a serious injury forced the right-handed kid to learn to throw left-handed, and therefore forced him to switch from catcher to first base or the outfield. (No catchers throw left-handed.) After the switch, his White Sox coach told him he threw like a girl. In spite of those obstacles, he managed to last four seasons in the minors.

image host

What made him so friggin’ interesting? Well, it was the fact that he eventually became a household name, one of the greatest all-time superstars in a very different form of athletic endeavor. He is better known to the world as The Macho Man, Randy Savage.

I actually kinda knew him because he was the main man for Slim Jims and my company (7-Eleven) was their biggest customer. I took a picture with him at the Slim Jim hospitality suite of a convention, but he never came out of character then. Later that night, I ran into him in a strip club when he was in civvies and de-machoed, and we had a great talk about baseball!

I also spent a lot of time one evening talking to The Ultimate Warrior (and his beautiful girlfriend). Mr. Warrior appeared to be a very pleasant, intelligent and laid-back man, although some fans and some of his colleagues didn’t care for him. Maybe I got to him before ‘roid rage kicked in. It was kinda weird to talk to him because he was dressed in character with the face paint and the bare bulging muscles, but he walked up to me and introduced himself as “Jim.”

Ol’ Jim has shrugged off the mortal coil now, as has Randy. Neither lived to blow out the candles on his 60th birthday.

It will now be known as Uncle Remus

Nah, just fuckin’ witcha, in homage to Evil Roy Slade’s decision to start his new law-abiding life by changing his name to Evil John Ferguson.

The real new name will be The Pearl Milling Company, and the woman’s picture will be replaced by a picture of an old factory that presumably represents said milling company.

That’s some catchy marketing, right there, obviously appealing to the youngsters, who just love some Industrial Revolution iconography.

But it’s not just for the kids. When I hear the term “Pearl Milling Company,” it just makes my mouth water. That’s the sound of good eatin’!

“The Texas Department of Public Safety said an Amber Alert that was issued for the cursed doll Chucky from the Child’s Play horror films was a test that was accidentally sent out.

The Amber Alert message that was sent out to subscribers of the Texas Alerts System three times on Friday describes the suspect, Chucky, as wearing ‘blue denim overalls with multi-colored striped long sleeve shirt’ and says he was last seen ‘wielding a huge kitchen knife.'”

Who says dreams don’t come true?

When I was an undergraduate hoping to win a Rhodes Scholarship and/or the national debate championship, I had high hopes, but not high enough to dream that someday I could cite an article called “Jane Krakowski Denies Secret Romance with My Pillow Guy.”

If my parents were still alive, they would be so proud.

For the record:

“Jane has never met Mr. Lindell. She is not and has never been in any relationship with him, romantic or otherwise,” her rep told Page Six. “She is, however, in full fledged fantasy relationships with Brad Pitt, Rege-Jean Page and Kermit the Frog, and welcomes any and all coverage on those.”

Lindell, meanwhile, told the Daily Mail he’s “never even heard of” Krakowski.