Hey, you redneck simpletons, put down your whittling sticks, drag yourself away from the Cracker Barrel, and let us tell you how it is,” said a team of Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer on the debut commercial, part of a widespread advertising blitz that will be played at NASCAR races and monster truck rallies across the country. “We know you can barely read, so we’ll spell this out for you: The Republican tax plan will only benefit the rich. Don’t you dumb hicks get that? 

True enough. Trump has been loved in Puerto Rico since he brought the island glory with his widely acclaimed performance as Bernardo in the revival of West Side Story. Normally people would object to having a fat old white guy in brownface play a young Puerto Rican, but he was just so graceful, and he honored the culture so much, that everyone forgave him.

As a former c-store guy, the thing that caught my eye in this story was not the didgeridoo, but that a single convenience store has a security guard with a firearm.

The industry seems to have changed since my day. (And the profits must be much better if they can afford a full-time security guard.)

According to the historian Suetonius, the emperor Caligula once lined up his army on a beach and declared war on Neptune, god of the sea.

During one hurricane briefing at the White House, Trump said, “I got it. I got it. Why don’t we nuke them?” according to one source who was there.

“They start forming off the coast of Africa, as they’re moving across the Atlantic, we drop a bomb inside the eye of the hurricane and it disrupts it. Why can’t we do that?”

A stable genius

In the comment section, Adam wrote, “This was a tweet I read that was posted early today:”

“Donald Trump is obsessed with nuclear bombs because he’s both Fat Man and Little Boy”

Some Twitter wag

About 100 years ago, H.L. Mencken made a prediction about the Presidency.

“As democracy is perfected, the office represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. We move toward a lofty ideal. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart’s desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.”

H.L. Mencken, Baltimore Evening Sun, 26 July 1920

“He was 79, but his family says they wish he could live longer… but at least he lived long enough to see the Amazon catch fire. As for his remains, he asked to be cremated and have his ashes blown into a child’s lungs.”

Bill Maher

I have no good feelings for the Koch brothers, but I can’t bring myself to agree with this kind of thinking. It’s just revenge. I would celebrate if Koch’s death made the world better, but everything goes on as before, so I’m neither glad nor sad to see him go.

But that last joke is pretty funny.

I’ve mentioned before that I was almost The Chosen One. In the 1976 Chosen Guy pageant, I was selected as first runner up, and if anything had happened to the winner and he had not been able to serve out his term, I would have had to take over his Chosen responsibilities. Why did I lose? Well, I beat him in the swimsuit competition and we were about even in the evening wear, but he really kicked my ass in the talent competition. His talent was to demonstrate perfect spiritual purity, and control of all time and space, while I sang a song from Naughty Marietta.

I still think I would have beaten him if I hadn’t missed my high note.

“Along the way he managed to call the prime minister of Denmark – a key Nato ally – “nasty” for refusing to discuss selling him Greenland, and approvingly retweeted a description of himself as “King of Israel” and “the second coming of God”, adding: “Wow!”

Mr. Trump’s Wild Ride

Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa) defended banning abortion with no exceptions for cases of rape or incest on Wednesday by arguing that most of the world wouldn’t exist without rape or incest.”

This is almost completely consistent with the position of those who believe the bible is literally true. I say “almost” because a literalist would correct King and say, “Not MOST, but ALL. Brother-sister incest is the only possible source of the human race. The only way Cain and Seth could have taken wives was by marrying their sisters. The only way Adam and Eve’s children could have procreated was by marrying each other.”

I dunno. Some of these jobs don’t seem weird at all. The weirdest in Wisconsin is “floor sander.” That seems like a necessity for any contractor who installs any type of wooden floor.

On the other hand, there’s Florida. “Scuba diving pizza delivery man” is, one must concede, deeply weird. California also has a good one: “Dog surfing instructor.”