In a site dedicated to crap, we have no choice but to worship Bill Shatner as a god. There is perhaps no man who has done more crappy acting and crappy singing than Shat.
As I see it, this makes him not only the greatest Canadian in history, but arguably the single greatest human being in the history of humanity.
(Possibly excepting Socrates and Randy Mantooth.)
All kidding aside, I think that Shatner has probably given my life more pleasure and laughter than anybody I know of. Granted, I was laughing AT him most of the time – but it still counts.
How he will celebrate
I don’t know whether Kirk was a better captain than Picard, but he was certainly more my kind of guy. Top arguments that Kirk is more manly than Picard:
13. Picard’s female officers think the captain’s “log” is some kind of wimpy electronic journal.
12. Sure, in their respective eras, they were both Presidents of the Hair Club for Men, but Kirk was also a client.
11. Quick query: what would Kirk have done if the chief of security showed up wearing a ponytail, or if the first officer ordered him off the bridge for his own safety.
10. How they react to cute, cuddly creatures on the bridge.
Picard: encourage science officer to adopt one.
Kirk: beam their cute, cuddly asses aboard Klingon ship.
9. How they would react to Deanna’s mother?
Picard: embarrassed tolerance.
Kirk: bribe Q to time-travel her butt to the Ceti-Alpha system, and let her read Kahn’s mind for a while.
8. How they spend their captain’s salary.
Picard: wise inter-galactic investments, and an occasional splurge on an ancient archeological artifact.
Kirk: blow it all on purple booze and green-skinned hookers.
7. Favorite character in 20th century Earth history.
Picard: Neville Chamberlain
Kirk: Wilt Chamberlain
6. What they do when Starfleet calls with unwanted directions.
Picard: Serious kissing of withered old admiral-butt.
Kirk: Leave communicator off the hook.
5. How would they relate to Counselor Troi’s mind-reading?
Picard: Purify thoughts with advanced Zen technique.
Kirk: Might as well get naked. She knows what’s coming.
4. How do they use the holodeck?
Picard: Wimpy 1930’s detective fantasies.
Kirk: Two words: virtual nookie.
3. How deal with primitive new civilizations.
Picard: Assist development within parameters of prime directive.
Kirk: Sleep with women, exploit men for cheap labor.
2. How they would react to Wesley.
Picard: Encourage development of mental and leadership skills.
Kirk: Use kid to get into mom’s drawers.
1. One Spanish word: cojones