Brazil’s tourism ambassador threatens to ‘choke’ Macron, says he is ‘sleeping with a dragon’.
He continued:
“I’ll ask you a question, is his wife pretty or ugly? Would you do her?”
(This is NOT from The Onion. The guy really said all that.)
Category: Nonsense
“Hey, you redneck simpletons, put down your whittling sticks, drag yourself away from the Cracker Barrel, and let us tell you how it is,” said a team of Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer on the debut commercial, part of a widespread advertising blitz that will be played at NASCAR races and monster truck rallies across the country. “We know you can barely read, so we’ll spell this out for you: The Republican tax plan will only benefit the rich. Don’t you dumb hicks get that?
In addition to Florida – South Carolina, North Carolina, Georgia, and Alabama, will most likely be hit (much) harder than anticipated. Looking like one of the largest hurricanes ever. Already category 5. BE CAREFUL! GOD BLESS EVERYONE!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 1, 2019
Alabama will NOT see any impacts from #Dorian. We repeat, no impacts from Hurricane #Dorian will be felt across Alabama. The system will remain too far east. #alwx
— NWS Birmingham (@NWSBirmingham) September 1, 2019
“Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey’s account hacked“
“His page began posting a stream of racist and vile messages.”
Hey, maybe that’s what happened to Trump!
“I’m sorry for everything I’ve ever done,” cried one Seattle woman, who was an atheist until she heard about the town hall and repented of her sins. “I have strayed far from you, Lord, but I now commit my life to you if you’ll just promise to return before Wednesday.”
….I don’t want to Win for myself, I only want to Win for the people. The New @FoxNews is letting millions of GREAT people down! We have to start looking for a new News Outlet. Fox isn’t working for us anymore!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 28, 2019
….And by the way, I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to Puerto Rico!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 28, 2019
True enough. Trump has been loved in Puerto Rico since he brought the island glory with his widely acclaimed performance as Bernardo in the revival of West Side Story. Normally people would object to having a fat old white guy in brownface play a young Puerto Rican, but he was just so graceful, and he honored the culture so much, that everyone forgave him.
Much as the WWE staff used to do for Andre. It took a well coordinated team of six.
And nothing looks better on the ol’ resume than “Erection Polisher.” It’s the gateway to fame and fortune. Just ask Madonna.
Name this band. pic.twitter.com/OdhpY2jdQr
— Nick Pettigrew (@Nick_Pettigrew) August 27, 2019
Some of my favorites:
- Incel Clown Posse
- Girth Wind and Liar
- Reich Said Fred
- Vanilla ISIS
- (from comments) Flock of Sieg Heils (How did I miss that one!)
- (from comments) They Might be Giant Assholes
“The first lady had gotten to know Kim Jong Un.”
A stable genius
“The First Lady hasn’t met him”
A stable genius’s press secretary.
“Dairy Queen burgers are not made of human flesh, a county coroner is forced to confirm”
Naming their X-mas evening promo “Soylent Night” probably wasn’t the right call.
As a former c-store guy, the thing that caught my eye in this story was not the didgeridoo, but that a single convenience store has a security guard with a firearm.
The industry seems to have changed since my day. (And the profits must be much better if they can afford a full-time security guard.)
According to the historian Suetonius, the emperor Caligula once lined up his army on a beach and declared war on Neptune, god of the sea.
During one hurricane briefing at the White House, Trump said, “I got it. I got it. Why don’t we nuke them?” according to one source who was there.
“They start forming off the coast of Africa, as they’re moving across the Atlantic, we drop a bomb inside the eye of the hurricane and it disrupts it. Why can’t we do that?”
A stable genius
In the comment section, Adam wrote, “This was a tweet I read that was posted early today:”
“Donald Trump is obsessed with nuclear bombs because he’s both Fat Man and Little Boy”
Some Twitter wag
About 100 years ago, H.L. Mencken made a prediction about the Presidency.
“As democracy is perfected, the office represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. We move toward a lofty ideal. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart’s desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.”
H.L. Mencken, Baltimore Evening Sun, 26 July 1920
“He was 79, but his family says they wish he could live longer… but at least he lived long enough to see the Amazon catch fire. As for his remains, he asked to be cremated and have his ashes blown into a child’s lungs.”
Bill Maher
I have no good feelings for the Koch brothers, but I can’t bring myself to agree with this kind of thinking. It’s just revenge. I would celebrate if Koch’s death made the world better, but everything goes on as before, so I’m neither glad nor sad to see him go.
But that last joke is pretty funny.
I’m shocked!
Who could possibly have seen this coming?
“‘I’m Not Done Fighting For The People Of The Lakewood Metro Area”
(It’s The Onion)
I’ve mentioned before that I was almost The Chosen One. In the 1976 Chosen Guy pageant, I was selected as first runner up, and if anything had happened to the winner and he had not been able to serve out his term, I would have had to take over his Chosen responsibilities. Why did I lose? Well, I beat him in the swimsuit competition and we were about even in the evening wear, but he really kicked my ass in the talent competition. His talent was to demonstrate perfect spiritual purity, and control of all time and space, while I sang a song from Naughty Marietta.
I still think I would have beaten him if I hadn’t missed my high note.
“Along the way he managed to call the prime minister of Denmark – a key Nato ally – “nasty” for refusing to discuss selling him Greenland, and approvingly retweeted a description of himself as “King of Israel” and “the second coming of God”, adding: “Wow!”
“Jesus’s embarrassed father Joseph struggles to explain the Virgin Birth to a group of his male friends. “
… who probably weighs quite a bit less than Trump!
Anyway, the lard-ass dude said he actually loves his fellow lard bottom, the First Fatso, so all is well.
Oh, wait, I called them lard asses. The politically correct nomenclature is Crisco-Americans.
Do we have a deal for you! The original might not be in your price range, but prints are available
I used to love autumn when there were some things without pumpkin spice taste and/or aroma.
But these days I’m kinda happy to hear the cheesy Christmas music begin.
“Jeffrey Epstein had an oil painting of Bill Clinton in a blue dress — lounging on a chair in the Oval Office — hanging up in his Manhattan townhouse.”
“Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa) defended banning abortion with no exceptions for cases of rape or incest on Wednesday by arguing that most of the world wouldn’t exist without rape or incest.”
This is almost completely consistent with the position of those who believe the bible is literally true. I say “almost” because a literalist would correct King and say, “Not MOST, but ALL. Brother-sister incest is the only possible source of the human race. The only way Cain and Seth could have taken wives was by marrying their sisters. The only way Adam and Eve’s children could have procreated was by marrying each other.”
It also includes breadsticks and Coke. I guess they figure if you’re that deeply into pasta and Coke, your life won’t be long enough to make the investment pay off.
I dunno. Some of these jobs don’t seem weird at all. The weirdest in Wisconsin is “floor sander.” That seems like a necessity for any contractor who installs any type of wooden floor.
On the other hand, there’s Florida. “Scuba diving pizza delivery man” is, one must concede, deeply weird. California also has a good one: “Dog surfing instructor.”