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Two words: “celebrity emus

Stay tuned for “Emu Dundee.”

Is there any other place in the world where a hotel would have to announce that emus are banned from the bar? Given that announcement, I presume that the emus used to be welcome there and that they can still drink everywhere else in the area.

I will have to experiment to see whether I can convert my “Most Canadian” headlines to “Most Aussie” just by replacing each instance of “moose” with “emu.” Although now that I think about it, there’s not much correlation. Most Aussie stories on the internet involve dangerous encounters with deadly plants and animals. Canadians don’t really have to worry about that because very few of those poisonous species can survive the winter.

Predictable. I think we all know you can have fun in Vegas, Miami, Orlando, The Big Apple, The Big Easy, and Austin.

By the way, Madison is underrated. It is a way more fun place than Milwaukee or Rochester, which are rated higher on the list. (Those are three places where I spend a lot of time.)

But the more interesting question is “Where can you have the LEAST fun?”

America’s most boring places include:

South Burlington, Vermont
Oxnard, California
Yonkers, NY
Laredo, Texas
Lewiston, Maine

They love it so much that they have Ron Jeremy’s image on the provincial flag.

The article mentions that Mr. Big Stick is even better warm. Talk about your beloved holiday traditions. Nothing says Christmas to a Newfoundland gal like putting a big, hot pink stick inside her body.

By the way, the Mr. Big Stick Day parade seems to be a VERY close relative of the Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day parade.

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The missionary also pulled a gun on the other guy! The confrontation ended with the holy man getting arrested, and others, including his children, being handcuffed. “Their journey through 17 states, where they passed out information about the gospel, ended with them in jail. The family bonded out of jail in Montana, but are required to wear ankle monitors at their home.”

Few people realize that Jesus, in his infinite mercy, occasionally had to kick some Pharisee ass when they disagreed with his teaching.

To me, the weirdest thing about this story is that the fight was over a parking space – in Montana. As I recall, the entire state is nothing but empty space, and there are maybe four cars. I think the sign on the border says “Welcome To Montana. Plenty Of Free Parking.”

“A European Union plan to throw a virtual party in the “metaverse” to engage young people in its policies flopped spectacularly after only six people turned up. The EU Commission’s foreign aid department splashed out $500,000 to create the metaverse – an online square where people could log in to a virtual concert to meet others and learn about the EU development policy.”

In Scoop parlance, it was a swanky bullshit dud, and I can’t understand it. Nobody could have guessed that development policy would fail to appeal to today’s kids. They love that shit!

“How do we do it? How do we manage, year after year, to assemble a collection of gift items of such consistently low quality? The answer, in one word, is ‘lack of integrity.’ Every year we spend literally several minutes going through the gift suggestions that have been sent to us by members of the public who have far too much spare time.

We choose only those items that meet our rigorous standards for inclusion in the Gift Guide, specifically:
1. They do not cost a lot of money.
2. That’s pretty much it on the standards.

It is because of all this rigor that we are able to offer you our Quality Assurance Warranty of Guaranteed Assuredness, which states that if you purchase an item featured in this Gift Guide, and for any reason you are not completely satisfied with it, simply deposit it in any participating dumpster and walk briskly away. We will take it from there.”

Continued from another thread.

Roger’s comment:

“I was going to try and wax even more philosophical about this, but it all just came down to the effects of the passage of time, which is something you become used to with…um…the passage of time. Darn, I really need to work on my profundity. Perhaps I could take lessons from UncleScoopy. His work in the medium of Burma Shave signs is a thing for the ages.”

My notes:

Philosophy and Burma Shave signs are extremely compatible. Here are some of the some famous five-sign sequences:

Plato wanted

Lust hedonic

But his beard

Kept her Platonic

Burma Shave

‘Twas other people

Gave Sartre trouble

Especially those

With three-day stubble

Burma Shave

When Beckett let

His whiskers grow

She said she’d wait

To kiss Godot

Burma Shave

Talk about a holy trinity!

I often begin my comments with “as the good lord intended,” but I doubt that the good lord, in his infinite wisdom and mercy, had this in mind.

“Sts. Peter and Paul Catholic Church got rid of the altar — Archbishop Gregory Aymond ordered it burned — and replaced it with a new one.”

“Explaining that it was best to put him out of his misery as quickly as possible, local father and birthday party host Ian Klassen reportedly took an injured clown behind the bouncy house Friday to shoot him.”

“‘He immediately tried to get back up and start juggling, but collapsed as soon as he put weight on the leg. He’s been honking his nose in distress. The smile is painted on, but underneath all that makeup, you can see he’s in pain. Well, let’s get this over with, and then we can have cake.’ At press time, sources confirmed Klassen had handed the birthday boy the shotgun, saying it was his son’s birthday clown and his son’s responsibility.”

That will teach the kid to be a man!