The esteemed professor of medicine, Donald J. Trump, again settled the scientific debate.
In this case, there’s not even a debate. He just manufactured this from whole cloth, and it is wacky even by his own high standard of wackitude. “Cancer is not caused by noises of any kind. A power source that does cause many health problems, including cancer, is coal, an extremely dirty fuel Trump loves and has attempted to bolster.”
He’s defending himself in a lawsuit. His crafty legal strategy is to argue that he’s too crazy to know the harm he causes. He said it was a “form of psychosis” that caused him to believe certain events — like the Sandy Hook massacre — were staged.
It’s based upon who suffers from the most derangement (“madness”) about Trump.
Who is the winner of Mueller Madness?
“Everyone we think committed crimes, didn’t. R. Kelly and Felicity Huffman, you’re free to go.”
Jussie Smollett’s situation reminds us of a famous Dr. Martin Luther King quote: pic.twitter.com/Rq5rT10cg8
— The Late Show (@colbertlateshow) March 27, 2019
“You! You there!” he shouted to a boy on the street. “What day is this?”
The boy gave a puzzled look. “It’s Shatmas, sir.”
“Good! I haven’t missed it. Here, lad. There’s a big, juicy turkey of a Shatner movie on Netflix. Buy it and deliver it to my house.”
On this, the most sacred day of the Other Crap calendar, we honor the man who has given the world more bad acting, bad singing and “other crap” than anyone in history.
Here’s wishing you and yours a joyous Bill Shatner Birthday. Merry Shatmas to all, and to all a good night.
And to you, Bill Shatner, if you read this or even if you don’t, may you live in good health forever!
Man Arrested For Choking Driver Who Wouldn’t Stop Singing Christmas Carols
Violence for a proper cause, as in wartime, shouldn’t get you arrested. I ask who is the greater hero, the guy who killed bin Laden, or the guy who prevented one more repetition of “rump-a-pum-pum.”
OK, probably the bin Laden guy.
But this guy should at least get a medal or something.
“giant breasts are floating down Amsterdam’s canals for International Women’s Day.”
As the good lord intended.
Hey, he put them there.
Trump denied to a group of Republicans that he ever said “Tim Apple”
That is weird. That’s just a simple slip that anyone could have made. We’ve all done similar things. Why would he deny it?
And of course, his lie was ridiculous. Here’s the tape:
But wait – there’s more. In a tweet this morning, there was another plot twist. Now he admits he did say it, but did so intentionally, “as an easy way to save time & words.”
Yup, that’s the Donald Trump we know – always trying to cut back on his verbiage, always as terse and economical as possible in his speech.
Oliver points out that America will elect any kind of disreputable character, but will never elect a goober.
“Florida Man Night” is actually coming to a minor league ballpark
Bonus: the team is named the Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp
“There are tons of stupid laws out there. Men not being able to wear strapless gowns in public, and ‘no singing in public while wearing a swimsuit’ might be some of the laws we end up seeing broken. Women also can’t parachute on Sundays. Who knows which other ones we may see fall.”
Scoop’s note: I’m pretty sure they won’t break the one about women parachuting on Sundays. It’s a Friday night game.
“27 brave Texans were nabbed crossing the 140-mph mark on public roads in 2018.”
“The fastest? The driver of a 2003 Porsche 911, stopped for doing 166 mph in a 75 mph zone on June 10 in rural Carson County. The most unlikely? A 2013 Ford F-150 clocked at 150 mph just outside Fort Worth.”
The best excuse for going fifty over the limit? “The driver of a 2018 Mazda CX-5, who claimed she was doing 123 mph in a 65 zone because she was ‘running late to take her daughter to the DPS office to get her driver[‘s] license.'”
“Hipster whines at tech mag for using his pic to imply hipsters look the same, discovers pic was of an entirely different hipster“
Enter the National Film Board of Canada, which on Monday launched an interactive game for mobile devices that takes a playful, informative approach to female sexual satisfaction and the role of the clitoris.
According to The Onion, the omniscient Creator of all things declared:
“I’ll admit it has taken Me a very, very long time to realize how serious an issue this is. But now that I’ve been made to see the truth and the light, there’s no going back. Even if the alleged incident took place years and years ago, we must do everything we can to strongly condemn such behavior.”
Just fuckin’ witcha
“‘I know hoes when I see them’: Roseanne Barr goes off the rails and attacks #MeToo movement founder and accusers, claiming they are ‘pretending that they didn’t go to trade sexual favors for money'”
This is an earlier version of the plan taken from AOC’s government website
This version was eventually corrected by people with some common sense. Wow, does she have her head up her ass.
“Economic security to all who are unwilling to work”
Good luck selling that to the American public. Except of course for those who are unwilling to work.
“The Green New Deal sets a goal to get to net-zero, rather than zero emissions, at the end of this 10-year plan because we aren’t sure that we will be able to fully get rid of, for example, emissions from cows or air travel before then.”
Oh, really. You’re not sure? You MIGHT not be able to completely eliminate cows and planes in ten years? Ya think?
Also, maybe she needs to put a pencil to some of her proposals, figure out how much they will cost and then how we will pay for them.
Of course you already knew she was a serious airhead when she said she could pay for universal health care by eliminating Pentagon accounting errors, which amounted to 21 trillion over 8 years. ($21 trillion is more than the cumulative spending on national defense since America was founded!)
And then there was her suggestion that the $3 billion in tax credits to Amazon could be spent on other things. Here’s how Amazon would have qualified for those:
1. New York state taxpayers would be on the hook for up to $1.525 billion should Amazon meet its 25,000-job pledge, pay an average salary of $150,000 and occupy at least 4 million square feet of space within the next 10 years, as promised. That number would increase to $1.7 billion if Amazon exceeds its goal and gets to 40,000 jobs by 2032.
2. Up to $1.2 billion would be in the form of state tax breaks under the state’s Excelsior Jobs Program, which are awarded to the company on a rolling basis only after jobs are created over 10 years.
3. New York City, meanwhile, would provide business income-tax credits worth $897 million and a property-tax break worth $386 million over 25 years.
In other words, Amazon would have to provide (according to New York’s calculations) something approaching $30 billion to the economy in order to get those breaks! And if Amazon never shows up – no tax breaks because there’s nothing to tax, but the city and state are about $20 billion poorer, not three billion richer.
“Women say they are suffering with smelly ‘KETO CROTCH’ as a result of following the low-carb regimen loved by stars like Gwyneth Paltrow and Jenna Jameson”
“Closed Kingston grocery store left unlocked; shoppers paid for items taken”
Just the way we used to do it in the Bronx.
Ol’ Daisy Duke is 65
Here she is topless in a .gif from the immortal cinema classic Crazed (1978)
My review of the film, which has very little to do with the film, but may amuse you. (It’s a long and complicated “inside baseball” argument that this is the lost Shakespearian play, Cardenio. It was written in a time when I was much closer to my English Lit days. Frankly, this old man has now forgotten many of the details cited in this odd essay.)
Somebody wanted $90,000 worth of Oreos? I knew we shouldn’t have allowed Gerard Depardieu in the country.
If I had been the HuffPo editor, I would have made one change in that headline.
It’s obvious. Drop “fund”; substitute “erect.”
According to this list, my current home town is the drunkest in the United States.
Better yet, the two nearest metro areas, Green Bay to the Northeast and Oshkosh/Neenah to the South, are the next two on the list. In fact, Wisconsin has 9 of the top 12 in the USA.
Chant along with me:
We’re number 1
We’re number 1
etc
In Wisconsin, this chant is also a drinking game. Take a drink each time you hear the number “one.”
