Category: Nonsense

This Man’s Pants Fell Down During a Photo Op with the Croatian President

UncleScoopy

Huh? I thought Dan Quayle was retired.

Background: I was living in Norway when the beloved king died in January of 1991. I forget his name, but probably Olav. All Norwegians are required to be named Olav or Tor at birth, based on the same European law that requires all Finns to be named Pertti or Jakko, all Irishmen to be named Sean or Patrick, and all Austrians to be named Franz, without exception.

Anyway, because it was the time of the Gulf War, Bush the Elder needed to send somebody inessential to represent the USA, so Dan Quayle was dispatched to the funeral ceremonies. Perfect choice. As I recall, Quayle’s middle name was actually Inessential. Although he was somehow a hair’s-breadth from the presidency, his level of incompetence would have been seat-filler at the Oscar ceremonies.

The problem in Norway was that Quayle was inessential for a very good reason – he was dumb as a box of rocks. He attended the funeral in a tan summer suit and street shoes.

In Oslo.

In January.

To a state funeral.

Within a few minutes in Oslo, his pants were covered with slush and he looked like a little kid who went out to play in the snow in his big boy pants, but without his boots. Plus there was the whole wacky move of wearing tan to a funeral. Talk about time for Bugs Bunny to appear and declare “what a maroon.” And that is how Norwegians probably picture Americans to this day.

(For a few weeks afterwards, we American expats were all pretending to be Canadian. It’s easy to do. Just say “oat” instead of “out,” “a boat” instead of “about,” make every sentence into a question ending with “eh?” – and apologize for everything.)

This holiday choir is really full of crap.

UncleScoopy

In a figurative sense, perhaps they all are, but this one is literally full of crap.

It’s a good look, especially the pants

UncleScoopy

I don’t know whether I really give a crap, but I don’t think Trump ever dresses like this. I think he always golfs in a white shirt and unpatterned pants.

(Jo Blo) MOVIE POLL: WHAT DID YOU THINK WAS THE WORST MOVIE OF 2020?

UncleScoopy

I was interested in this, but not to vote. I don’t know enough of the choices. I just wanted to find out who and what were getting dissed these days.

While I was there, I cast my vote for The Last Days of American Crime. I’ve seen a few films in my day, and that was one of the worst, featuring a truly bizarre performance from Michael Pitt, who once seemed to have a respectable career but now seems to be headed for the unenviable status as the Grade-Z Nicolas Cage.

Adolf Hitler wins election in Namibia because … 2020

UncleScoopy

Politician named after Nazi leader sweeps to victory – with 85% of the vote.

The Daily Mail article is actually pretty interesting. I learned a lot about the largely unsuccessful German colonial efforts in Africa, a subject I knew nothing about.

I think this comment from another thread actually belongs here:

Better than the Daily Mail

Dave Barry’s 2020 Holiday Gift Guide

UncleScoopy

Sample of the list:

CRAPPING CATS WALL CALENDAR

$23.95 from Amazon.com (price may vary)

Here’s a tasteful gift that will add “a touch of class” to the home of anybody on your holiday gift list who, for whatever insane reason, likes cats. This item is — and here we will directly quote the eloquently descriptive words of the creator, Bo Winston — “a calendar of pooping cats.” It consists of 12 photos of cats pooping, “along with their names and country of origin.”

“Cambodian villagers trust magic scarecrows to ward off coronavirus”

UncleScoopy

Sure, it sounds loony, and yet Cambodia has a much lower infection rate than the Dakotas.

And the rest of the USA, for that matter.

In fact, Cambodia has not had a single COVID fatality in a country of 17 million people. Those Cambodians obviously believe that Coronavirus is a real thing, a dangerous one, even though they have not personally lost a loved one to it. That puts them a step ahead of many Americans.

People told James Corden he could not be worse than he was in Cats. His response, “Hold my beer.”

UncleScoopy

“His performance is gross and offensive, the worst gayface in a long, long time. It’s horrifically bad.”

“I used to think that it was permissible for a straight actor to play a gay character in some circumstances; now I’m willing to go hard-line against it if it means denying James Corden even one future role.”

Wait! James Corden is straight? Go figure.

DonaldJTrump2024.com is ready to roll

UncleScoopy

I’m pretty sure Trump’s people did not create this site.

You may also enjoy the Donald Trump library. His library even includes a “grift shop” which offers “Grab a Pussy Cookies” and “Notes of a Stable Genius” notebooks. The library itself includes a “Covid Memorial”, a “Wall of Criminality,” an “Alt-Right Auditorium,” the “Hall of Enablers” and a “Criminal Records Room.”

Perhaps best of all, see what happens when you go to loser.com

According to Science, Bella Hadid is the Most Beautiful Woman in the World

UncleScoopy

I’m thinkin’ those scientists may want to tinker with their formulas a bit. Put Bella Hadid and Gal Gadot side by side and ask a hundred people, fifty of each gender, which is more beautiful. I’m guessing Gal wins something like 75-25.

You don’t need to use Gal Gadot in the example. I’m sure you can find a hundred famous women who would beat Hadid by similar margins.

Note on grammar and The Undoing

UncleScoopy

In last night’s The Undoing, the character of Hugh Grant’s persnickety mother corrected Nicole Kidman for saying something like “none of them are going.”

She said “None IS going, dear. None is a contraction of no one, and therefore must be singular.”

None of that is right.

You can tell from the sentence I just wrote above that “none” is not merely an abbreviation of “no one” or “not one.” You can’t substitute either of those into my sentence without creating gibberish.  In that sentence it replaces or contracts “not any.” Even though “None of that is right” is correctly written in the singular, it is not because “none” means “no one” or “not one.” “None” is a completely separate word which can also replace “not any,” and the expression “not any” can be singular or plural depending on context (see rule three below).

Here is the rule for indefinite pronouns in American English, in three parts:

1. Always singular: each, either, neither, one, someone, somebody, anyone, anybody.

2. Always plural: several, few, both, many.

3. Either singular of plural depending on the prepositional phrase that follows or is implied: some, any, none, all and almost all.

Rule three examples:

With prepositional phrase stated:

“None of the milk is missing”; but “None of the elephants are missing.”

“All of the milk is missing”; but “All of the elephants are missing.”

With prepositional phrase implied:

“Were any batters truly successful against Koufax?”

“No, none were.”

“Are any elephants missing?”

“No, none are.”

Note that if you answer the baseball question with “nobody,” which would not take a qualifying prepositional phrase, the verb must be singular, per rule 1. “Nobody” is always singular, with no exceptions.

“Were any batters truly successful against Koufax?”

“Hell no! Nobody was.”

To get back to the original point, Ms. Kidman’s character was correct to say “None of them are going.” It is possible that the character of Hugh Grant’s mother was supposed to be English, and therefore unfamiliar with the conventions of American grammar, but in that case she had no business correcting an American. (I guess Kidman’s character is supposed to be an American. She dropped her Aussie accent, except for the word “your,” which she can’t master with an American accent.)

In Florida it is illegal to have sex with a porcupine

UncleScoopy

Not to mention uncomfortable.

It gives new meaning to the word “prick” in sex acts.

Take it from me.

It’s as unpleasant as it sounds, but after my divorce and the death of all my pet skunks, porcupine-fucking was my only outlet. Thank heaven I was not in Florida at the time. I would have had to go to every one of their little dens and introduce myself as a porcupine-sex offender.

This website alleges that there are other unusual animal-related laws in Florida. For example, it is against the law in Miami for a man to force his wife to dress as a parrot. Florida women hate a parrot, which is weird because they love a cockatoo. Maybe three.

‘Anus Kitchen’ is the #2 favorite of Other Crap

UncleScoopy

I’m kinda offended that they didn’t ask “other CRAP” for a plug. You might call it a butt plug.

“A TAKEAWAY restaurant has been ridiculed after a punctuation oversight left it named ‘Anus Kitchen‘ on flyers.”

Anus Kitchen

– where the back door is always open
– try the rump roast

Their celebrity spokesman is Sir Mixalot who says “ya gotta have ‘much more back’ … ribs”

“Larry The Cable Guy Knocked His Tooth Out Celebrating Nebraska’s Win Over Penn State”

UncleScoopy

This is unbelievable to me for many reasons.

Who even thought that Larry the Cable Guy could name a college, let alone root for one?

And even more significantly, who could have guessed that Larry the Cable Guy had teeth?

Joking aside, the distinguished Lawrence the Cable Gentleman (I think his real name is Dan) attended the University of Nebraska at Lincoln. I’m going to take a wild guess that he did not major in quantum physics or classical languages.

“What Trump Hopes To Accomplish Before Leaving The White House”

UncleScoopy

Some examples from the article:

  • An unfathomably high amount of document shredding.
  • Finally follow through on campaign pledge to stand in middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody.
  • Award Twitter user @920274749_000 the Presidential Medal of Valor for unwavering support over past four years.

Not mentioned: While the Preisdent has run up some impressive numbers of COVID victims he killed passively through neglect, there’s still many more he could kill actively by holding more crowded and maskless rallies.

“Nation Hopeful For Better Future Where Activist Celebrities Will Finally Shut The Fuck Up”

UncleScoopy

“I want my kids to grow up in a world without desperate A-listers belting out some dumb-as-shit song about voting.”

I hope they allow non-A-listers to keep doin’ their thing. I never made a move without consulting Danny Bonaduce’s blog.

I have to go with the ‘Duce because Screech had to shut his blog down when he went to jail.

Ania Sowinski topless

UncleScoopy

Ania Sowinski in The Devil’s Violinist

For the life of me, I can’t figure out why the Prince of Darkness would need a violinist. Especially if it is “THE” violinist, sort of implying that he employs exactly one violinist. I guess it cuts down on the overhead if he only uses one and pipes the music in throughout all of hell. I wonder if his sound system extends to other places filled with sinners, like purgatory

Or Nevada.

But why use a violin? If he wants spooky, hellish background music, he’d be better off with a theremin.

And if he wants music that will subject sinners to the unending tortures of eternal damnation, I have one word: bagpipes.

I’m guessing that the Evil One will not even accept people who play the steel drums or the banjo. Too fucking cheerful. People in hell are supposed to suffer, but nobody ever feels bad while listening to the banjo.

Oh, wait, I just realized … he will accept banjo-playing sinners, but they have to spend all eternity playing the fuckin’ bagpipes.


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Trump Files Lawsuit In Pennsylvania Alleging Election Officials Totally Disregarding His Feelings

UncleScoopy

“I’m angry and confused, and I demand that election officials cease being mean immediately. All this vote counting completely flies in the face of my emotions, and I won’t stand for it. We won’t let the Democrats make me cry.” At press time, an angry mob of Trump supporters had surrounded a vote counting facility to demand election officials make the president smile.