Scoopy’s First Law of the Universe is this: No matter how stupid any idea is, there will be many people who believe it, and even take credit for it.

Apparently, Trump, Mike Flynn and JFK Jr are all closely related (biologically). Per this belief system, Mike Flynn is JFK’s nephew, and Donald Trump is the biological son of General Patton.

“General Patton is the grandson of Abraham Lincoln. All right. General Patton had a brother which was Benito Mussolini as well who came — so General Patton was the son of William Wallace Lincoln. Benito Mussolini was the son of Thomas “Tad” Lincoln, all right? Joseph Kennedy, the older brother of John F. Kennedy, presumed dead in World War II, was not dead. He went into hiding for protection. He had children. Joseph Kennedy begat General Michael Flynn who happens to be first cousins to John-John and his siblings as well. Trump is the biological son of General Patton which makes him first cousins to John-John and the Kennedys as well. It`s all about the blood line. It`s all about the blood line.”

“A survey published in Basic and Clinical Andrology measured the stretched penile length (SPL) of 126 adults aged between 30 and 60 alongside a range of other data including nose size, height, and weight, and found a direct correlation between nose size and penis length.”

Man, that Gerard Depardieu must be hung like Secretariat.

I wouldn’t normally link to this playlist because we’ve been through this discussion so many times, but I was startled to see, in the middle of the familiar earworms, a real surprise. You probably know that there have been many versions of Try a Little Tenderness. Bing Crosby crooned it back in the 1930s, and Otis Redding totally nailed an R&B version in the 1960s.

But I think you’ve never heard the song until you hear it performed by Dragnet’s Jack Webb, from his never-to-be-forgotten album, “Just the Tracks, Ma’am.” (I did not make that up.) Perhaps you thought Otis Redding had some soul? Amateur! It’s Webb that really brought the downtown funk! This will remain the definitive version unless we can coax one out of Shatner.

While we’re on the topic – have you ever heard Donald Trump singing the theme to Green Acres? This could make your day.

Netflix noted that the series has ranked as its No. 1 show in 94 countries including the U.S. and said that it had “pierced the cultural zeitgeist” with skits on Saturday Night Live and memes on TikTok gathering more than 42 billion views.”

Footnote: The population of earth is a bit less than 8 billion. Only 4.7 billion of them have access to the internet, and only about one billion use TikTok. So on the average, every TikTok user has viewed 42 memes from the ol’ Calamari Game.

I have some catching up to do.

Gwyneth Paltrow Reveals the Sex Advice She Gave Her Teenage Kids

I know it sounds boring, but I was surprised to see that it was:

“I tell you this my children: Light one of my vagina scented-candles and put on some Black Sabbath. Then fuck like there’s no tomorrow; devour like a beast; wail like a banshee.”

Nah, I’m just fuckin’ witcha. That was the sex advice of either Pope Francis or Mickey Rourke. I forget which. Gwyn just offered some cliches so tedious that they would have bored Polonius. In fact Polonius actually offered Laertes a more eloquent version of the very same advice:

Polonius: “This above all: to thine own self be true”

Paltrow: “You have to stay really close to your own truth.”

image host image host image host image host image host image host image host

This reminds me of a funny story that Martin Short tells on his pal Steve Martin. “It’s amazing how Steve’s appeal is so universal that it reaches across the generations. As we met some people after one of our shows, a small child said to her mom, pointing to Steve, ‘Mommy, look – the jerk.’ She later found out that Steve was also in a movie by that name.”

Which is basically another spin on this Ricky Gervais joke: “And this year we saw James Corden as a fat pussy. And he was also in the movie Cats.”

“Unless these unprecedented scarcities are reversed soon, hundreds of thousands of Americans could be forced to learn that there is more to life than material objects,’ said White House press secretary Jen Psaki, cautioning that delays in shipping of clothing, toys, and other common gifts had the potential to make this Christmas the most communal and brotherly of any on record.”

Council to stop paying The Wizard $16,000 a year after 23 years on the payroll

“The Christchurch City Council will stop paying The Wizard $16,000 a year after more than two decades on the public payroll to “provide acts of wizardry” for the city. The Wizard of New Zealand said the council had decided to stop paying him because he did not fit with the modern image of the city. Over his 23 years on the payroll, the council has paid him a total of $368,000. ‘They are a bunch of bureaucrats who have no imagination,’ he said.”

Follow-up: all members of the council have been turned into newts.

“Millennial mafiosos in New York have been accused by veteran mobsters of going soft, becoming obsessed with their phones and using text messages rather than fists to intimidate victims. Growing up in wealthy suburbs as social media exploded, the new generation is said to have become less brutal, and less versed in traditional face-to-face tactics like pistol-whipping.”

The Idaho constitution gives the Lt. Governor all gubernatorial powers as Acting Governor while the governor is out of state. That’s nutty enough to begin with, since it means that the governor can’t really go fishing in Montana unless he trusts his Lt.

Idaho legalities are not today’s discussion, however, but rather the executive orders that the Lt. chose to issue.

  • Silly: banning all schools from imposing vaccine or testing requirements. That was merely silly because the governor was able to reverse the orders as soon as he returned.
  • Extremely silly: trying to call out the Idaho National Guard for deployment to the Mexican border.

The Lt Governor did something similar the last time the governor left the state, and the governor had to roll that action back as well.