“There were prices well beyond what your average Roman would pay at the market, which shows just how advanced the empire was when it came to wringing their people dry”
Category: Nonsense
I just found this in my e-mail. I have not corrected any of the grammar or punctuation:
From: Mr. Bill Gates
Re: FoundationHope this information meet you well as I know you will be curious to know why/how I selected you to receive this sum of 5,000,000.00 USD, our information below is 100% legitimate, please see the link below:
Regards
Mr Bill Gates.
I should be receiving those five million smackers any day now. It must be 100% legitimate, and not just because it says so. From the structure and context of the letter, I can easily identify the Bill Gates I have seen so often on TV, the guy who has precisely the same command of English as Latka Gravas.
“A high frequency noise was used to prevent drones flying near him during the parachute jumps but the tech was very strong and made an entire nearby field of cows fall over.”
Move to China!
China bans broadcasters from showing men it sees as not masculine enough
Broadcasters should also avoid performers who “violate public order” or have “lost morality.”
“A tense standoff between Florida authorities and an armed suspect became even more dangerous over the weekend when a naked 28-year-old woman suddenly drove into the crime scene on a golf cart“
Arcola celebrates its heritage as the “Broomcorn Capital of the World”
For reasons unclear to me, they are proud of this.
And don’t miss the lawn mower and broom parade
I know it sounds crazy, but this attracts tens of thousands of visitors.
I’ve been doing this so long that I almost always recognize the celebs I find on the internet. Not in this case. I didn’t know who she is or what she is up to here, other than having fun in front of a camera. But there is something about this that caught my eye, so I guess I’m now being introduced to her and the fascinating subculture she inhabits.
IMDB says she is about to star in something called, or more accurately NOT called, the “untitled Kansas Bowling film.” I figured at first that it was some kind of sports movie spoof like Men With Brooms, or more specifically Kingpin. WRONG! It turns out that Kansas Bowling is somebody’s name, and that somebody is a very prolific actress and director in the world of micro-budget horror and other transgressive films and videos, in the manner of Troma and perhaps even sub-Troma, if that is even possible. Her very entertaining Wikipedia page mentions that “Bowling was the first inductee into the Troma Institute For Gifted Youth,” so her parents must be proud and elated.
Here are more tidbits from that page:
- “Drangsal released a ‘controversial’ video for their song ‘Magst Du Mich’ directed by and starring Bowling and her sister, Parker Love Bowling, referencing pizzagate conspiracy theories and acting as ‘Hillary Clinton’s sex slaves.'”
- “Bowling directed the video for the band Collapsing Scenery’s song ‘Resort Beyond the Last Resort.’ The video is based on Boyd Rice’s 1994 pro-rape manifesto ‘Revolt Against Penis Envy.'”
There is plenty more in that same vein in the Wikipedia article.
It’s a shame that her sister is named Parker Love Bowling and not Irene Love Bowling. That prevents her from using the moniker I. Love Bowling.
Anyway, enough about the Bowling sisters. On to Cynda McElvana, as promised
Under that crazy get-up is Willard Scott, future weather presenter for the Today show
“Infringers face a fine of 3,000 kroner (290 euros, $340).”
From now on, he will be known as Tarquin Fin-tim-lin-bin-whin-bim-lim-bus-stop-F’tang-F’tang-Olé-Biscuitbarrel
Seriously, he is changing his first name to Ye.
No info on whether his middle name is Olde
I’m always baffled when they broadcast golf or bowling. Corgi racing seems like a step up. (Cute little fuckers, but obviously not exactly greyhounds in the speed department.)
“We have authenticated several diary entries that indicate DeSalvo simply did not have the balls to pack his bags, move to New York, and begin strangling in the city that never sleeps.”
“A lecherous sunrise flaunted itself over a flatulent sea, ripping the obsidian bodice of night asunder with its rapacious fingers of gold, thus exposing her dusky bosom to the dawn’s ogling stare.”
Personal favorites:
“Even though Bambi the deer grew up to become a sleek and powerful 10-point buck, the other deer frequently chided him about his name, which was a perfectly fine name for a cocktail waitress but not so much for a male deer.”
“Upon his death, Van Helsing wrote: ‘This Vexes me still to-day . . . with no Mirror able to cast his Curs’d Reflection, how did Dracula comb his hair so perfectly every time and achieve such a clean, close shave that brought the babes in truckloads??'”
“After commandeering the Black Dog Saloon for a day and a half to lay out every map, zoning ordinance, and land deed in the Territory, and after checking and rechecking their cartographic calculations, Tumbleweed Mulligan and Johnny ‘Trigger’ McAllister were forced to admit that there might just be room in this town for the both of them.”
“Pollution is leading to higher rates of erectile dysfunction, fertility decline, and growing numbers of babies born with small penises. Though the headline fact about shrinkage may sound like a laughing matter, the research paints a bleak portrait of humanity’s longevity and ability to survive.”
A couple weeks ago we took a look at an American actress, Carroll Baker, who sought better roles in Europe. She was not the only Hollywood expat to follow that path. The most famous was Clint Eastwood, of course, but he’s not the kind of entertainment figure we want to discuss here. We’re interested in the actresses who went to Europe to remove their blouses in sketchy giallo films and eventually to pose for Playboy pictorials. Today’s subject in that category is Pamela Tiffin, who just passed away a few months ago.
If you like musicals, or if you used to watch corny old movies with your parents as I did, you may remember Pamela from the 1962 re-re-make of State Fair, in which a bunch of rurals from East Bumfuck, Texas, the tonier part of Bumfuck (you don’t want to have your car break down in West Bumfuck), mosey off to the fair in Dallas to enter dad’s prize hog and mom’s delightful something or another. I think it was her secret family recipe for mincemeat, whatever the hell that is. Do state fairs actually have mincemeat-cooking contests?
Anyway, the naive hicks have a grown son and daughter, played by Pat Boone and Pamela Tiffin. I don’t remember why the younger generation went along to the fair, but once there, the wide-eyed bumpkins forgot about their wholesome bucolic bullshit and decided they were much more interested in fucking Ann-Margret and Bobby Darin. Of course, since this was 1962, they never really got down to any serious rumpy-pumpy, but I think they sang a lot of songs about it. Or something. Who can remember? It was about 60 years ago when I watched this piece of fluff, and I thought it was dumb even then, when I was in eighth grade, so I think you can assume the plot details don’t carry the weight of any of the key problems of human existence.
Below is a clip from that film in which we see Pamela (dubbed) singing, presumably about how much she hates singing in front of her fuckin’ cows and will fuck Bobby Darin as soon as she gets a chance.
I do remember that Tom Ewell, as the dad in the movie, sang a song to his hog, and that all things considered, that was probably the highlight of the film.
That was a long digression on my way to pointing out that when Pamela got to Italy, she gave up calico dresses and wish-fucking Bobby Darin and all other Americans with similar names. (She also made some insipid films opposite James Darren.) Instead she concentrated of taking off her clothing and fucking sleazy Italian sybarites with sporty roadsters, as she did here in a 1971 film called The Fifth Cord in English-language distribution. (Italian: Giornata nera per l’ariete, which does not mean The Fifth Cord or anything similar.)
Do you remember Dan Ackroyd pitching the Bass-o-Matic? He was sending up Ron Popeil, inventor, pitchman and founder of Ronco. Popeil’s brain children included the Pocket Fisherman, Mr. Microphone, the Veg-a-Matic and many other familiar “as seen on TV” products. Through his pioneering use of 30-minute infomercials, Popeil blazed the trail that eventually led to Mike the Sweater Guy.
He gave us so much.