Category: Nonsense

Blade Runner – The Lost Cut

UncleScoopy

The Lost Cut is a recut version of Blade Runner created by splicing in other films that star Blade Runner cast members, plus more films starring those films’ co-stars, resulting in a masterfully edited cinematic rabbit hole where Rick Deckard is hunting down a cast of replicants including Gene Hackman (via The Conversation, one of Harrison Ford’s first films), Steve Martin (via The Jerk, which stars M. Emmet Walsh, who plays Deckard’s boss Bryant), and John Belushi (via The Blues Brothers, which features Ford’s Star Wars co-star Carrie Fisher).

The film follows Blade Runner’s broad story beats, but its narrative drifts wherever the added footage leads, like some kind of Burroughsian cut-up version of Ridley Scott’s film.

Amy Schumer Had To Change Her Baby’s Name Because It Sounded Like “Genital”

UncleScoopy

“Last May, comedian/actor Amy Schumer and her husband Chris Fischer welcomed their first child to the world, a baby boy they named Gene Attell Fischer. Attell may seem like an unusual choice for a middle name, but it was a tribute to Amy’s very close friend and fellow comedian Dave Attell. Amy revealed that she and Chris officially changed Gene’s middle name to Dave.”

“Most Chinese people really believe the U.S. brought the virus to China and they call it ‘USA virus.'”

UncleScoopy

The Chinese can now call it 的美國病毒 (the American virus).

They attribute it to one lone American cyclist.

Of course, we have plenty of equally nutty theories in the States, but …

“What is unique to China is the inability for most citizens in the country to fact-check the claims being made by official CCP outlets, or to seek any independent information outside China’s Great Firewall.”

Now that’s the true meaning of Easter

UncleScoopy

“Woman put 400 Easter eggs filled with porn in mailboxes”

“In each of the cases, residents reported noticing that the flag on their mailbox was in the up position and when they checked to see why, they found the egg, which contained a fish-shaped cracker, a sheet of toilet paper, a powdered drink mix and a crumbled up pornographic image.”

Really, everything necessary to sustain life.

Police confront nudist sunbathers – over not wearing face masks

UncleScoopy

“A group of sunbathing nudists in the Czech Republic were recently told they needed to cover up, just not in the way that most would expect. While they were completely free to remain nude, local ordinances required that they keep their mouths covered due to the global coronavirus outbreak.”

Proper Corona-era Tan Lines:

image host

Happy Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day!

UncleScoopy

The Giant Pink Japanese Penis Festival has been canceled because of the pandemic, so most of the world will have to celebrate giant pink penises quietly at home.

A repeated word of warning: do NOT try to smuggle your own giant pink penises into Japan and celebrate this sacred holiday on your own (while maintaining a safe social distance from other penis celebrants of course). In addition to the fact that you would face the dire legal penalties for giant penis smuggling (imagine Midnight Express, except with giant penises), there are other good reasons why you should not do so.

First of all, they would not be sacred. Only giant pink Japanese penises have been blessed. That would be like trying to pass off a bottle of Ozarka from 7-Eleven as Holy Water in the Vatican.

Second, the Most Honorable Japanese Department of Agriculture and Giant Genitalia is concerned that introducing a new strain of giant pink penises into their eco-system could cause the native strain to mutate or die out. It’s the same reason why you can’t take frogs to Australia.

So, on this holiest of days, while we can’t congregate together, we will have to celebrate by honoring the memory of the Giant Pink Japanese Penis Days of happier times.