From Chrissy Teigen to … Geraldo
Sorry, some are partially censored. (No Geraldo dick? Darn the luck.)
Category: Nonsense
Exercise fanatic Jessica Biel, wet and fit in that cinematic magnum opus, Summer Catch (2001).
Even the casting is ludicrous, and not just because it stars Freddie Prinze, Jr.
The baseball coach, a former left-handed pitcher, is played by Brian Dennehy. How many pitchers do you know who are 6’2″, 350? Although now that I think about it, Sabathia might be close to three and a half bills.
The team catcher is played by Prinze’s fellow member of the Young Shakespeare Society, Matthew Lillard. Lillard swings about the way Truman Capote would have swung if he had tried baseball.
On the other hand, there is Biel in a bikini and appearances by Hank Aaron and Dick Allen, representing some moments at least worth watching. That may make Summer Catch the Citizen Kane of Freddie Prinze, Jr movies. Has this guy ever been in anything watchable? (Doing voices for cartoons doesn’t count.)
This episode of Sesame Street is brought to you by the letter F.
It’s been tough to find much to laugh about this year. But Britain’s most savage satirist is going to give it a go …
“Consider the plight of the satirist. I know you’ve got your own plight, and there are only so many plights that you can consider at any one time, and that the plight of the satirist might even seem to you to be one of the easier plights.”
“Theresa May dancing on stage at the Conservative Party conference looked like an uncloaked Dementor on a hen weekend.”
Dave Barry’s Year in Review, 2018
“Abroad, the Russian news agency TASS reports that Vladimir Putin, who campaigned on the theme ‘A Vote For Putin Is A Vote For Not Dying Under Mysterious Circumstances,’ has been declared the winner of the 2018 Russian presidential election, as well as, in the interest of efficiency, the 2024 and 2030 elections.”
“Trump spends his Christmas Eve ranting about his enemies”
While this is not very Christmassy, it is completely in the spirit of Festivus, which was Sunday. Maybe he really is our kind of guy! I just hope he doesn’t go for the feats of strength against Putin.
“While many other states’ holiday movie favorites were more traditional, Florida’s was, well, weird.”
That was also Louisiana’s favorite, so I was thinking maybe it’s a swamp thing – until I looked over at California. The full list by state shoes some other odd choices: West Virginia’s favorite is The Ref; Utah chose While You Were Sleeping.
Now, mind you, the headline is an incorrect interpretation of the map. It does not show the Christmas movie the state loved the most. It shows the movie the state loved disproportionately to the other states. “We partnered up with our friends at Mindnet Analytics and used Google Trends data to determine which Christmas movie each state was most obsessed with relative to other states.” In other words, 3% of Californians may have picked Batman Returns, compared to a nationwide average of 1%. Since (in that theoretical example) it was triple the national average, that would be the one listed under California if the state’s other choices were close to the national averages.
Eddie, a sea otter at the Oregon Zoo, died this morning, as reported by the Oregonian. He was 20, a remarkably old age for otters, which usually live to be around 15. His main pastimes were dunking a little ball into a hoop, and blowing himself.
Really, those would be every human male’s main pastimes if we were flexible enough and could jump that high.
With mug shot. Before you look, imagine a guy who would have a bag of dicks in his car. I think this guy will be pretty close to what you imagine.
What can you say? He loves the muffins.
Unfortunately, it appears that the mysterious apparition is actually Tommy Chong.
“Russia’s Most Advanced Robot Turns Out to Be Man in Robot Suit”
And to make matters worse, it wasn’t even that advanced!
Don’t let people name your boat, bridge or elementary school. Or anything else.
“Schooly McSchoolface Elementary, Harambe’s Elementary, Not Pine Ridge Elementary and The Money Pit … as well as a few submissions named after dictators, such as the Osama Bin Laden Memorial School for the Gifted and Kim Jong Un Elementary. One fan of the TV sitcom ‘The Office’ submitted Dwight Schrute Elementary.”
Parrot who has made friends with its owner’s Alexa keeps accidentally ordering things on Amazon
This is amazing. Not the story, but that fact that it’s from the Daily Mail and they didn’t capitalize any random words.
By the way, I’m sure it’s just an accident that he ordered cuttlebones, raisins and crackers.
“In 1938, Centaur Publications was formed. In the four years of its lifespan, this company produced comics exactly like everyone else’s, only crazy and worse. Their Hawkman was called “The Air Man.” He wore a yellow penis costume and fought crime with a bucket.”
Step aside, Marvel. I’m ready to start making films from the Centaur Cinema Cosmos, starting with Air Man the Yellow Penis and his youthful ward, Little Dicky. That villain-destroying bucket is awesome, and it also comes in handy if Little Dicky wants to build a sand castle. Suck it, Mjölnir!
To be fair, the CCC efforts couldn’t be worse than the DC movies.
And Slick Willie as well. Woohoo!
One more, without President Horndog.
All due credit to Hillary. If the Presidential election had a bathing suit competition like an old-fashioned beauty pageant, she’d be in the Oval Office now. You know you don’t want to see Trump in a speedo.
(You know every possible bad idea finds its way to the internet, like a site dedicated to Presidents in bathing suits. Sorry, no Taft!)