Saturday, July 04, 2009
Happy Fourth of July
America's birthday is normally a happy and festive occasion, but the gaiety is muted this year by the solemn funeral of Jeff Goldblum, whose tragic loss has saddened not just our country, but the entire world.Especially New Zealand.
Former NFL star Steve McNair found shot dead
I guess Lincecum is for real, eh?
No runs allowed, three hits, nine Ks. The Giants pitching staff has thrown four shoutots in their last seven starts. Lincecum started two of those games, that Sadowski kid started the other two. The rest of their staff is The Big Unit, Barry Zito and Matt Cain. That is some sweet pitchin' right there. (Although Zito has been having his troubles.)
"Organizers of Michael Jackson's memorial said that in the first hour after ticket details were announced this morning, the website www.staplescenter.com had received more than 500 million hits."
They must have some serious server capacity. That would be the equivalent of about 12 billion hits per day - approximately twice the population of the earth.
Very Strange Lady Gaga Nipple Tape Pics
Daily Box Office for Friday, July 3, 2009
As expected, it was a photo finish between Ice Age and Transformers. Transformers also passed Up and Star Trek to become the top film of the year so far.
6 National Anthems That Will Make You Tremble With Fear
"On Independence Day, Americans are probably feeling something approaching national pride. So we thought we'd take a closer look at the national anthem, that creepy ritual of bland patriotism."
Remember wacky congresswoman Cynthia McKinney? She's now in an Israeli prison.
Michael Jackson's $25,000 Custom Casket
And poor Jeff Goldblum? Sawed in half and buried in a Hefty Lawn and Leaf bag.
Like America, The Netherlands is considering a bail-out for its most important industry.
No, not tulips or marijuana. Prostitution!
Swiss town erects giant plastic Michael Jackson
And yet, nothing for Jeff Goldblum! Not even a stinkin' cuckoo clock.Regarding the statues, the organizer boasts: "There are just 19 of them in the world and two in Europe"
Eddie Murphy voted most lovable screen animal
Lady GaGa Does German FHM
American Republicans have much more boring sex scandals than British Tories
Literate, amusing article:"In its heyday, Brit sex was about the action — Lord Lambton’s three-in-a-bed bi-racial sex romp; Harvey Proctor’s industrial-scale spanking of rent boys; Max Mosley’s Nazi bondage sessions, with a fine eye for historical accuracy and the orders barked out in surprisingly accurate German; Stephen Milligan’s accidental auto-erotic asphyxiation while lying on a kitchen table wearing fishnet stockings . . . With the exception of the last ill-fated foray, there was an insouciance to these remarkably specialized peccadilloes. By contrast, American sex scandals seem to be either minor campaign-finance infractions — the cheerless half-hearted affair with an aide — or, like Governor Sanford’s pitiful tale (at least as recounted at his press conference and as confirmed by the e-mails), a glimpse of loneliness and social isolation."
"We have the governor of South Carolina resorting to subterfuge worthy of one of those Mitteleuropean operettas where the Ruritanian princess disguises herself as a scullery maid to leave the castle by the back gate for an assignation with a dashing if impoverished hussar garbed as a stable lad. Perhaps some enterprising producer would like to option a Carolinian update of Prince Bob, the hit of the 1902 theatrical season in Budapest, in which the eponymous hero, a son of Queen Victoria, escapes 'the bubble' of Buckingham Palace by getting out on the streets and wooing a Cockney serving wench."
"Roger Clemens' lawyer says the pitcher was not among the more than 100 players who tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in 2003."
Ya gotta love lawyers and their shenanigans. This statement, while true enough, is tantamount to a lawyer issuing a statement proving conclusively that his client couldn't have killed anyone on Tuesday, when in fact the client was accused of Monday and Wednesday murders. Clemens was never accused of using in 2003, and his mediocre performance indicates he probably was not. McNamee's accusations cover only two periods: (1) the second half of 1998; (2) the period from mid-2000 until the end of the 2001 season.McNamee's testimony alleged that Clemens, after experiencing a rough start in 1998, was juiced in the second half of 1998, his last year with the Jays. Clemens is not accused of using steroids in 1999 or the first half of 2000, during which time he was with the Yankees, was separated from McNamee, and had a major decline in performance. McNamee joined Clemens in New York in mid-2000 and claims that Clemens was juicing again in the second half of 2000 and all of 2001. Whether that is true or not, Clemens did experience a tremendous resurgence. McNamee and Clemens were separated after 2001, and Clemens then had a major decline in performance. In 2001 the Rocket won the Cy. In the 2002-2003 era, he got no votes at all in the Cy balloting and had an ERA above 4.00 for the period.
I detailed Clemens' 1998-2001 performance and its correspondence to McNamee's accusations here.
The other suspicious period in Clemens' record is 2004-2005, when he had another spectacular comeback. After his two mediocre years at the end of his Yankee run, he went to Houston. First year there: 18-4, Cy Young. Second year there: 1.87 ERA at age 42! This period, however suspicious it may be, is not covered in the McNamee testimony, and nobody has stepped forward to make any accusations about that time, at least not so far as I know.
Soil from the same ground where Michael Jackson DIED! - eBay item
"This is the last ground that Michael Jackson ever walked on! Perhaps his ghost is residing in this piece of earth!"Current bids: none.
Lady GaGa Does V Magazine
Generally tame, but one image is slightly unsafe for work.
Julianne Moore goes outside for the first time in her life.
I wonder if she knows the word for "sun." Why isn't she on True Blood?
Comedians Mourn Palin's Resignation
"Moments after Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin announced her resignation from office, comedians from coast to coast held candlelight vigils to mourn what one comic called 'a devastating loss.'"
Detroit Tigers vs. Minnesota Twins - 16 innings
Helluva game. The Tigers went ahead with a run in the 14th, but the Twins matched it to keep the game going. Then the Tigers scored three in the 16th, but the Twins got a rally going and almost matched it again. They got Mauer and Morneau on second and third with one out, but the rest of the Twins line-up couldn't close the deal. Mauer scored on a ground-out, but a second grounder ended the game.
Señor Sluggo beats the Reds by himself
The Reds held a 3-0 lead going into the eighth. Three runs? How could Pujols make that up by himself? When he needs a grand slam, he gets one. The Reds came back to get one in the bottom of eight, tying the score, so of course Pujols had to knock in another run the next inning.
Friday, July 03, 2009
British newspaper headline o' the day: Exclusive: "Michael Jackson tried to adopt ‘Octomum’s’ Nadya Suleman’s eight babies as playmates for son Blanket just weeks before he died."
Deeply depressed by the death of Jeff Goldblum, Sarah Palin announced today that she would would resign as governor effective July 25 and would not seek reelection.
Goldblum died in New Zealand, which Palin can see from her back porch.
Jeff Goldblum still stubbornly clinging to life
Johnny Depp, dressed as Jack Sparrow, Surprises Sick Children At London Hospital
Since I write about celebs a lot, I don't get to write very many complimentary articles, since most celebs are either half-wits or self-centered douchebags or both.However, Johnny Depp is not only a dedicated actor and a huge star, but is also a decent human being who does things like this all the time, and spends a ridiculous amount of time signing autographs and mingling with fans. And he doesn't issue a freakin' press release when he does it. Since there's nothing to ridicule in that sort of behavior, I'd normally only make a note of this kind of person when they die, ala Natasha Richardson, but Depp will undoubtedly outlive me, so I'm making an exception.
Now that I've embarrassed myself like a 9th grade emo, let's get back to ridiculing Lindsay Lohan and Hugh Grant.
The Good and the Bad of Being a Hooters Girl
This is a surprisingly serious article. The writing style is amusing, but it is actually a logical analysis of the pros and cons.
"Midget wrestlers dead after hooker romp"
(With a great picture of a fan placing a mask on the tiny little coffin.)OK, it's not really "tiny." I made that part up. The rest is true.
Britain's queen orders a count of the swans
"A census of the swan population on the River Thames, will be conducted by the queen's official Swan Marker from July 20-24. (With the assistance of the Queen's Swan Warden.)""This year, the Swan Marker and the Swan Warden are particularly keen to discover how much damage is being caused to swans and cygnets by attacks from dogs and from discarded fishing tackle."
In a related tradition, they do the same thing with cats in October, as led by the queen's royal and ancient Pussy Warden, who is, if I recall correctly, Hugh Grant.
Sex Tape Taints 5th Grade Memories
"Crystal Defanti, a 5th grade teacher at Isabelle Jackson Elementary School in Pleasant Grove, California sent her students off for the summer with a special DVD that she had created for them. The disk contained scenes that she filmed throughout the year that were meant to highlight their accomplishments and serve as a momento. Things turned decidedly ugly when she discovered that at the end of the little project piece was six minutes of footage of a very personal nature. It seems that she had used the disk previously to film a little sexual dalliance in the privacy of her own home. She is shown having sex on a couch. She apparently didn’t realize that it was there until after she dispersed the DVD to all of her 10-year-old students, who had taken it home to share with their family members"
"10 Incredibly Awesome Spring Break Bikini Contest Videos"
"I Had No Idea There were This Many Awesome Karate Kid Mashups"
7 Obnoxious Assholes Who Show Up At Every Concert | Cracked.com
"The 15 Most Massively Expensive Yet Awful Movies Ever"
Gravity-Defying Homes From Around the World
45 Historical Soviet-Era Photographs from the Glorious Worker's Paradise
15 Amazing Yearbook Photos of U.S. Politicians
You'll never recognize John McCain and Darth Cheney!
"Michael Jackson had a long-standing secret girlfriend"
And it wasn't Liza Minnelli?
Derrek Lee knocks in seven in Cubs victory
"50 movies for 50 States"
With some states, the correct choice is obvious. Kansas = The Wizard of Oz. Idaho = Napoleon Dynamite. Oklahoma = Oklahoma. Indiana = Hoosiers.In other cases, there are so many choices, it's impossible to choose one. (Texas, Florida, California, New York)
I'd quibble with a few.
- Bull Durham was about a baseball team headquartered in North Carolina, and most of it was really filmed there, but it really could be set anywhere without changing the story. On the other hand, Nell is practically a love poem to North Carolina.
- Fried Green Tomatoes for Alabama? BZZZZZZ. Wrong answer. Four words: To Kill a Mockingbird.
Oddly enough, the authors could not think of any film appropriate for Wisconsin or Rhode Island. Any ideas?
One reader offered this list of substitutions:
- Arkansas = Sling Blade
- California = E.T.
- Florida = Cocoon
- Michigan = Road to Wellville
- Minnesota = Fargo
- Missouri = either Road House or Meet Me in St. Louis
- Nebraska = About Schmidt
- New York = The Godfather
- North Dakota = Leprechaun
- Rhode Island = Me, Myself & Irene
- Texas = Dazed and Confused
- Virginia = Remember the Titans or Donnie Darko
- Wisconsin = Someday they’ll make a Happy Days movie
Thursday, July 02, 2009
10 Celebs You May Not Have Known Were Canadian (Happy Canada Day!)
Anna Paquin (I always thought she was a Kiwi)?? And Tommy Chong??? According to the article, man, Cheech and Chong first met in Canada, man.
Swedish is now the official language of Sweden
In the public referendum, Klingon finished second and, oddly enough, Admadinejad finished third."It is also now a crime for adults to seek sexual contact with minors on the internet. A conviction for 'grooming,' as it is known, may result in a prison sentence of up to one year."
Now I ask you to think about what it was like in Sweden yesterday: Swedish was not the official language, and pedophilia was legal. As Yakov Smirnoff would say, "wadda country!"
Drink Guinness, win a space flight
Russia bans all gambling and shuts casinos
"Russia closed down its casinos overnight as gambling was banned nationwide, a move the industry says could throw a third of a million people out of work."
10 Famous Cars That Make Women Horny
I'm thinking there may be more than a hint of irony in these selections.
"A Cuban - considered by many scouts to be the best left-handed pitching prospect in the world - has defected"
Don't count on this affecting a pennant race. He's just a prospect at this point and will probably head to the minors for instruction. His fast balls have been clocked at 102 mph, so he's obviously a GOOD prospect, but he has two major weaknesses: (1) his other pitches are mediocre; (2) he's an immature 21-year-old hothead.
Consumer Reports says Wendy's has the best fries
Video: A man decided to take his clothes off and fly naked from the Carolinas to Los Angeles. He was arrested. In Albuquerque
Playboy.com: 25 Playmates with sexy tanlines!
"OK! magazine reportedly paid $500,000 for the rights to use the death photo of Michael Jackson on the cover of their latest issue"
Because nothing attracts readers to glitzy magazines like the stench of death.
Swedish clinic sterilises wrong patient
Top Italian swimmer's horror as her bathing costume bursts open in a very unfortunate place at championship meet
(With pictures of the incident.)
Air New Zealand has produced an in-flight safety video showing a pilot and cabin crew wearing nothing but body paint."
And, of course, as in all things New Zealand, the naked body-painted corpse of Jeff Goldblum, who demonstrates what happens to passengers who do not buckle up.
Slow news day in the U.K.: Couple get 24 toasters as wedding gifts
Man with two penises removes one
Dubai judge rules Skeletor Spice obscene
And they say there's no justice in Moslem countries.
Epic Carnival: The Top 40 Real Men of Genius commercials
From the page:
"Lately I have been hearing the Bud Light commercials on the radio that feature the Real Men of Genius. I always thought thought that they were some of the funniest radio ads I had ever heard, so I thought I'd head to the Internet and see just how many there were and if there were any that I hadn't heard yet. Turns out there's like a million of these things. And they're all pretty much great... but here's the 40 I thought were the best."
Top 10 Hottest Celebrity Daughters!
RIP: Harve Presnell
What a voice - the kind to send shivers through you! Let us hope that he's not "so gol'durned lost, not even God can find him."(See musical clip below.)
RIP: "My Little Margie," aka Gale Storm.
Once again, I had no idea she was still alive.
Old Color Photos Of The Third Reich (and a few B&Ws)
When Tulip Fields Transform into Modern Art
Then and Now: Grown-Up Child Stars Of The Day
Many of these I have never seen before: Brandon Cruz, for example.
The latest to confirm the death: Jeff Goldblum
Retro Comedy: The 15 Creepiest Vintage Ads Of All Time
Major League Baseball adopts little league rules for all-star game.
Every player on every team will now be an all-star, and every one of them will get to play in the game.
Let's Screw Up the Entire Internet to Save Newspapers
"Let's also ban wheels, in order to save the horse industry."
Photos of Mischa Barton auditioning for the lead in the Lindsay Lohan Story
iowahawk: "The President's landmark 'Cap and Trade' bill faces mounting opposition from a myriad of interest groups angered by its controversial ritual virgin sacrifice provision."
"We are asking our members to send a strong message to Washington that this bill is wrong for America's energy future, and wrong for the virgin community," said Bret 'Aslan' Crawford, a spokesman for the Action Figure Collectors of America. "Power virgins, activate!"
Oscar-winning actor Karl Malden dead at 97
I had no idea he was still alive!
Denise Richards got back into tremendous shape, and got into a bikini to show it off.
