It was supposed to be a pitching duel. It was not.

Kershaw vs Sale pitted two of the best pitchers in the game against each other. They both sucked, but Kershaw sucked harder. Neither made it past 4.0 innings. The final score was 8-4. The coup de grace was delivered by pinch-hitter Eduardo Nunez, who slammed a late three-run homer off Alex Wood, the final Dodgers pitcher.

Boston’s budding superstar, Andrew Benintendi, taunted Kershaw with three hits in four innings. (It’s rare for a lefty to get three hits against Kershaw at all.) Benintendi added a fourth hit later. Pretty heady stuff for a 24-year-old kid. (Don’t the damn Red Sox have enough stars already?)

Because baseball’s rules are not changing as fast as its strategies, the “winning pitcher” stat is starting to become meaningless. This one was “won” by Matt Barnes, who pitched the fifth inning and was not especially effective. (Starting pitchers need to pitch five for a win.) In theory, MLB says, “A starting pitcher must pitch at least five innings (in a traditional game of nine innings or longer) to qualify for the win. If he does not, the official scorer awards the win to the most effective relief pitcher.” There were at least two other middle relievers who pitched better than Barnes. In fact, Barnes pitched rather poorly – a single, then a wild pitch allowing two runners to advance, then a run-scoring grounder. Meanwhile, Joe Kelly faced three guys, got the first two on swinging strikes and induced a weak grounder from the third, and Eovaldi got the heart of the Dodger line-up to sit down 1-2-3 without hitting a ball out of the infield. So how could the scorer rule that Barnes was the “most effective relief pitcher”?

Here are the results of the recent poll(s), complete with thumbnails and links to a film clip from each 1997 performance in the top twenty. Also included on the page are links to the numerical results of each of the two polls.

If you are a member, you do not need to download any of those film clips. I got each and every one of them from the members’ section, where they rest side-by-side with some 54,000 other clips and about a million pictures. After 23 years, things to begin to accumulate. I know that at least a few of you have been reading my blogs since The Fun House was a totally free site in 1995-1996. There was no Other Crap, nor Uncle Scoopy’s Ballpark, nor Uncle Scoopy’s Movie House in those days, so all that material was just mixed in with the nudes and jokes. In the very earliest days, I used to write the entire site in a character voice – as the ignorant Texan, No Bob “Scoop” Parking.  (His mom named him No Parking so he would always have an executive parking place marked with his name.) That made for a lot of good politically incorrect jokes, but I abandoned that character when I realized that people thought Scoop’s foolish and lightly racist opinions were mine, and I got tired of explaining the “unreliable narrator” concept to a gazillion offended e-mailers per day.

Back in its heyday, the F.H. used to get some 200,000 hits per day, which made it one of the busiest sites on the internet, because not many people were “wired” then. (Today that kind of traffic would be nowhere near the top.)

Anybody remember when I hit #1 among all the adult sites on the internet? Check this out:

That was not my highest volume day. One day I got 491,000 hits, but that was a year later and the internet was starting to catch up to me, so I only finished third in the adult rankings.

One more bit of nostalgia: the site was very popular with the guys at NASA, especially with one guy that they called Freddie Fartknocker or Turdknocker or something like that, who was totally obsessed with it. I’m not sure that the moniker was Freddie Fartknocker, but go with it. A couple of his colleagues called me at home (!) and asked if I could help them play a practical joke on their co-worker. The very next day, the site became “Freddie Fartknocker’s Fun House (formerly Uncle Scoopy’s)” for a couple of hours, complete with a very unflattering picture of Mr. Fartknocker at his desk, in lieu of my trademark Greek masks of comedy and comedy. As soon as the joke worked, the pranksters called me and told me how it went down, and I then reverted everything back to the normal look. Oddly enough, nobody else ever wrote in to ask what the hell was going on.

It’s been quite a journey.

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Enough nostalgia.

Moving forward …

If you are not a member, you can use those file locker sites linked from Mirror Creator. I find that Zippyshare contains the least bullshit, but even with that one you sometimes have to click on the orange download box a few times before you get the result you want. (It’s not consistent. Sometimes it works on the first try; other times it gives you a bunch of irrelevant links before yielding its treasure on the third try.)

Hey, the best solution is just to sign up and get access to that vast amount of film clips, pictures and collages – not to mention back issues dating back to 1998!

Not to mention further that you will help me pay the bills!

Carla Howe has a twin sister. They both look like they could be stand-ins for Katy Perry, although Carla looks a little more like Katy. (Pictures of the twins together are linked at the bottom of this post.)

(The uncensored version of the wardrobe malfunction)

The video below shows the ol’ booty, but not the wardrobe malfunction

Here are the sisters in various stages of undress, including waxed frontals.

This discovery caught the Saudis in yet another lie.

“It contradicts the explanation being made by Saudi officials that the body was rolled up in a carpet and handed to a local collaborator who was tasked with disposing of the evidence.”

In the ultimate irony, Donald Trump accused the Saudis of using lies that were too obvious. Can you imagine how obvious a lie has to be in order for Trump to find it too obvious? This is the guy who claimed his inauguration was the best attended in history.

Man, that Soros is everywhere.

As I’m sure you know, Soros is responsible for most of the evil in the world. He’s the guy responsible for ethnic cleansing, the Khashoggi murder, immigrant caravans, the Kardashians, the designated hitter, reality cooking shows, the DC movies, Siberian gulags, the genocide in Myanmar, my missing sock, 9-11, 7-11, the Oprah book club and the Chinese re-education camps. He even supplied the dogs that Kim Jong Un fed his uncle to.

2018 was a big year for him. This was the first year he passed Satan for the top spot on the Forbes Evil 100. It took him until he was 88 years young to finally pull it off, and oh, did he celebrate. (Two words: double Maalox!)

“After a study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine showed that the average American’s penis is one inch shorter than the minimum 6.69 inch length requirement of condom manufacturers, the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has approved smaller condoms. A 2014 study conducted on 1,661 American men from Indiana University found that the average penis length was only 5.57 inches.”

UPDATE:

From the comment section:

This story is probably apocryphal, but I heard it years ago. During WWII, the U.S. was sending military supplies to the Soviet Union. Stalin requested condoms, but asked that they be 18″ long so as to fit the average Russian soldier. FDR agreed and had the condoms manufactured, but had each one (or each box, I’m not sure) stamped “Texas Medium.” I’ve heard that the reason for the request might have actually been to cover rifle barrels to keep them clear and the nonstandard size simply to fit longer guns. But regardless of its historical accuracy, the story is too good not to share.

Another apocryphal story I heard as a child (that was completely unrelated to genital size) was about the Bronx River. The story I heard that was during the Revolutionary War, a British Admiral looking at a map, decided he could win a battle by sailing his ships up the Bronx River to get in behind General Washington’s troops. Unfortunately for the Admiral all the ships ran aground and General Washington was able to escape. That was because the Bronx River is (and presumably was) a river in name only. In reality it barely constitutes a stream. I’ve never been able to find any documentation of such an event. I asked a professor of mine that taught a class on Bronx history and he hadn’t heard anything about it. But if I ever write a screenplay about the Revolutionary War, I’m going to include how the battle of the Bronx River was won by General Washington’s men using 18 inch “Colonial Medium” condoms on their musket barrels.