“After Frances committed her horrible crimes, she cackled, shot several bullets into the ceiling, and then calmly walked up to the stage covered in blood to accept her award. We at the Academy swore we would never let a day like that ever happen again, but now that Will Smith has slapped Chris Rock, we fear those dark days have returned.”

At press time, the Academy refused to answer questions about why Frances McDormand’s Oscar had not been revoked despite the fact that she then used it to fatally bludgeon several security officers.

Per The Onion: The testers say that the questions on wine-tasting and yacht ownership simply test common knowledge and predict success in life.

“We’ve repeatedly seen that the ability to sip a grenache and detect notes of black cherries or star anise strongly correlates to success in university settings and beyond.”

“Anyone looking to enter higher education should be prepared to show basic reading and mathematical skills, as well as identify the difference between a 1990 and 1993 Vernaccia di San Gimignano.””

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As I mentioned in a previous post, my friend, who has mainstream tastes, rated CODA about an 11 out of 10, and didn’t really like any of the other nominees that much. She ranked Belfast second, but a distant second, and King Richard third. She totally despised Licorice Pizza and Power of the Dog.

I am also OK with the choice of CODA. I liked it a lot, and I might have voted for it myself, although I’m not sure because I liked some of the others as well, and I haven’t watched Drive My Car yet. CODA is basically an entertainment picture that is at heart a typical coming-of-age picture, albeit involving some atypical people. (CODA is an acronym for Children of Deaf Adults.) It has some deep underlying themes, but never preaches, and it buries the messages subtly inside a good story. It is totally family-friendly, in addition to being totally accessible to mainstream audiences. Even the critics liked it (95% at RT), which is unusual for a schmaltzy Disney-like story. I’m fine with heart-warming material. I still cry when I think about Old Yeller. Anyway, I haven’t really heard of anyone who saw it and didn’t like it. The only really critique of it is that it is neither bold not challenging. Of course, few people have seen it, but I hope the Oscar will change that.

Will Smith – what can you say? He had the best moment of his life and the worst only a few minutes apart. This was supposed to be his night to get respected, and instead the world sees him as a cowardly little bitch, sucker-punching a guy who is much smaller and obviously can’t fight back in that situation. Rock stayed amazingly calm. Man, it’s a good thing Will and Jada never attracted any attention at the Golden Globes. Imagine how Will would react once Ricky Gervais started in on Jada and her pretensions!

Rock’s joke wasn’t mean-spirited. It was just cutesy, and presented no reason for that kind of reaction. On the other hand, Rock did make a mean joke about Jada on a previous Oscar night, and Will may still have been seething about that one.

The tepid alopecia joke Rock made tonight:

“Jada I love you, ‘G.I. Jane 2,’ can’t wait to see it.”

The mean joke he made in 2016:

“Jada boycotting the Oscars is like me boycotting Rihanna’s panties. I wasn’t invited.”