“Kavanaugh Sobering Up After 35-Year Bender Shocked To Find Out He’s Supreme Court Nominee”

“The last thing I remember was that I was about to nail that hot shooting guard from the women’s basketball team, and then everything gets kind of hazy. Holy shit, wait—I worked for the Bush administration? I didn’t even know there was a Bush presidency. And apparently Donald Trump is president now, whoever that is. I know I sometimes do crazy shit when I’m fucked up, but this is another level. Jesus—that’s the last time I do shots of Jager.”