Our hero:

Way to go Hickenlooper! Six months ago, nobody knew who you were. Now they know, and really don’t care.

(Even Bennet, deBlasio and the hippie chick are at 0.3!)

The poor Looper seems like a decent guy. He’s the kindly uncle who would slip you a few extra bucks on your birthday when your aunt was out of hearing range. I don’t suppose that’s an especially good quality in a successful politician. They’re usually a little more ruthless. If Trump were your uncle and your aunt was out of sight, he’d probably swipe your wallet, then later call you a broke loser when you couldn’t ante for the family poker game.

The good news: Looper’s logo doesn’t say which office he is pursuing in 2020, so he won’t need a new logo to run for senator or sports director or whatever comes next in his illustrious career.

Elsewhere on the page, among the people we might care about, Pocahontas has outpolled Bernie in the two most recent polls, 18-13 and 21-14.

“‘Sure, I’ve been able to hurt a lot of everyday Americans during my time in the Senate carrying out the Republican Party’s destructive vision, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t sometimes ask myself whether I could’ve done more to increase suffering in this country if I’d worked as an oil lobbyist or mining sector CEO,’ said McConnell, who admitted that he often lies awake at night pondering the lives he could’ve ruined if he hadn’t entered the public sector at such a young age.”

(The Onion)