Category: Nonsense

Well, at least she’s honest

UncleScoopy

A woman responded to Home Depot’s request for her to wear a mask in their outlet. She refused, employing this Aristotelian logic:

“Yes, I am entitled. I’m white and I’m a woman,” Hill replies.

“What does you being white have to do with you being able to get your way?” Waters responded.

“Because I’m a white woman. That’s what happens. I believe in white power.”

This is not the best part of the story. That would be how it started – because the woman complained that other shoppers were not wearing masks. When told she also had to, she pointed out that the rules didn’t apply to her.

Jimmy Trump – the long con plays out

UncleScoopy

For quite some time there has been a Twitter account called “Rogue White House Senior Adviser,” claiming to be an insider with direct access to the president, accumulating a quarter of a million followers. In the past week the author had been teasing that he would be revealing his true identity on Independence Day.

He finally claimed to be Jimmy Trump, aka James Maxwell Trump, secret love child of The Donald and Ghislaine Maxwell.

It was bullshit, of course. He posted a false birth certificate

… and his original picture was actually Kieran Culkin.

What will be the new name of the Washington football team?

UncleScoopy

One of the choices is “Warriors,” which would allow the team to retain its offensive iconography and 90% of the racism.

Talk about tone deaf.

This reminds me of one of my fav movies, Evil Roy Slade. When a psychologist was trying to persuade Evil Roy to begin a new non-outlaw life with a new name, Evil Roy said something like, “A new name … I like that. Evil John Ferguson? Evil Fred Noland? Evil Lee Rich?”

Dan Snyder: “A new name? I like that. The Potomac Redskins? The DC Redskins? The District Redskins? The Capital Redskins?”

Y’know, Dan, a lot of black people live in DC. The National N…..s might be right for you!

I think the best way to handle this would be turn turn the racism backward and create an offensive white stereotype. Luckily, the “Brockmire” show has already done all the work:

That episode of Brockmire was filmed about a year ago, but life now mirrors it as the Cleveland Indians consider a name change.

All kidding aside, I’m not convinced that Snyder will really give in, but you can actually bet on what the new team name might be. “Presidents” is the current favorite. As a commenter noted, “People have been advocating for ‘Redtails’ after the airplanes the Tuskegee Airman flew. They’ve mocked up artwork and everything.”

Here are some possibilities from the fierce animal kingdom:

  • The Potomac Piranhas
  • The Washington Wolverines
  • The Capital Cheetahs

Oh, let’s not leave that kidding aside. How about some silly suggestions:

  • The Capital Won (should be easy to get a sponsor)
  • The Federal Express (ditto)
  • The Capital Ideas
  • The Washington Carvers
  • The DC Comics
  • The Deep State Eleven

From the comment section:

The Capital Punishment. They can have a mascot race in the sixth inning with different instruments of death… “And the guillotine wins by a head!”

“Authorities end search for naked person in Duluth sewers”

UncleScoopy

Old news!

Important update: “Naked Man Rescued From Duluth Sewer System”

I suppose it could be a different guy. The Duluth sewers are a popular nudist hangout. If you take the Miller Analogies, you’ll see this question

alligators:New York sewers :: nudists:_______ sewers

Don’t be fooled by the other tricky choices. There are no naked people in the Paris sewers. The French constitution requires them to wear capes and scary masks. And Gary doesn’t have sewers. They just go right in the the street.

“Paris Jackson’s portrayal as lesbian Jesus sparks backlash”

UncleScoopy

Backlash? Who could have guessed?

“The independent film stars Bella Thorne and “is about a street-smart party girl with a Jesus fetish who gets mixed up in a violent drug deal and finds a possible way out — by masquerading as a Nun.”

(The same way I got out of Vietnam, by the way.)

It may have a way to go before challenging the weirdest portrayal of Christ, in Greaser’s Palace, one of the oddest movies ever filmed.

GP centers around Jesus returning to the earth in the old west, into the shabbiest, most run-down town in any dried-up gulch. (Well, I suppose Bethlehem was no Paris either.) He’s on his way to Jerusalem to be an actor/singer/dancer, and he’s a whiz at performing 1940’s boogie-woogie. Jesus, aka “Jessy,” is wearing a black and gray striped 1940’s zoot suit and a big pink hat, and looks pretty much like Jim Carrey after he puts on The Mask.

God the Father is a crusty lookin’ old cowboy greybeard. The Holy Ghost wears a cowboy outfit except for the bed sheet over his head with two eyeholes cut out, and he’s upset because The Father never gives him a chance to do anything important. Here’s the Holy Trinity:

Seaweedhead Greaser is the guy who runs the town, and he has constipation problems. He can’t move to action unless properly spurred by mariachi music, so his quartet follows him around in case he needs them. Like all movie strongmen, he has a wimp of a son, and he kills the kid, Lamy Homo Greaser, in the first scene, but Jesus later brings him back to life like Lazarus, and …

Let’s see. Tattoo from Fantasy Island plays a tiny homosexual cowpoke who makes a move on Christ. And there’s a 90 year old man playing a character named “Petunia”, clad in pink gingham drag. And there’s really no way to describe this without going through every discontinuous scene. It was directed by the supremely odd Robert Downey Senior, and will give you a clear hint that Downey Junior’s early drug problems may have been inherited.

“Canadian Tire stores forced to close after every item scans in as Mr. Potato Head”

UncleScoopy

OK, that’s a funny concept. I get it.

What I don’t get is why a store named Canadian Tire is advertising a back-to-school special in their window banners. Kids in Canada must have a special back-to-school experience – they get some new pencils and notebooks, a few new items for their wardrobe, and a set of radials.

Based on that window banner, the fact that they sell Mr. Potato Head, and the outdoor flower display, I’m gonna take a guess without looking it up that a Canadian Tire store is not like a Firestone Tire in the USA. I guess you can’t make much money selling just tires to a nation where the most common form of transportation begins with “On, King! On, you huskies!”



I can’t figure out why, but whenever I played Wild West with my childhood friends, they would all laugh at me when I said, “I arrest you in the name of the crown!” I guess maybe I should have watched some American westerns.

By the way, my Russian ancestors failed miserably at winter transportation. My great-grandfather, Дядя Скупов, kept tinkering with animal-driven sleds, but he never could figure the right animal. I suppose his worst failing was the cat sled. You needed about 500 of them just to budge the sled, and then they’d all wander in different directions when he would bark his famous command, “On, Puff! On, you tabbies!” Now that I think about it, the cat sled wasn’t his worst idea. The poor man died tragically the first day he tested his ill-fated jaguar sled.

“Facial Recognition Platform Misidentified Over 100 Politicians As Criminals”

UncleScoopy

MIS-indentified? That means they found more than 100 politicians who were identified as criminals but were not. That right, 100 non-criminal politicians. Color me unconvinced. OK, there’s Jimmy Carter, and …

See what I mean?

It seems me that by pointing to those politicians as criminals, their software is probably working just fine.

Sacha Baron Cohen Pulls an Epic Prank on a Far-Right Militia Event

UncleScoopy

Sacha is a genius! It was basically a reprise of his famous “Throw the Jew Down the Well” stunt.

The comedian got the rally’s conservative crowd to sing along with him about injecting Obama, Dr. Fauci and others with the “Wuhan flu.” According to event organizers, Baron Cohen first disguised himself as the leader of a PAC that wanted to sponsor the rally and then hired his own security – to block them from getting him off the stage or cutting off the power once he had started performing.

More of the song here.

Catchy tune, I was singing along.

Obama, what we gotta do?
Inject him with the Wuhan flu

Hillary Clinton, what we gotta do
Lock her up, like we used to do.

Journalists, what we gotta do?
Chop them up like the Saudis do

Chinese people, what ya gotta do
Nuke them up like in world war two

Scientists, what ya gotta do
Feed ’em to the bears like the Chechens do

and so on

Eurovision Song Contest (the movie)

UncleScoopy

I watched it last night. The movie is way too long to begin with. Many of the acts, which might have been good for a laugh in snippets, go on for the entire duration of a song, thus dragging the film out for more than two hours. The basic thrust of the plot is almost completely predictable, and the jokes are too far apart. It’s an 80-minute comedy conveniently padded out with 45 minutes of bad singing.

The problem is that the Eurovision competition is one of those things that’s almost impossible to satirize, like Tiny Tim or The Gong Show, because it is already self-satirizing. It’s weird and campy and over-the-top. It’s more than a little creepy, and after all these decades, the acts still seem to take place in 1974. What can you really say about a contest where the contestants dream of being as good as ABBA? It’s like deciding to do stand-up in the hope of someday being as good as Pauly Shore.

Having noted all that, I’ll add that the woman who dubbed Rachel McAdams’s singing is pretty darned good, Demi Lovato has a solid cameo, Iceland looks like a pretty cool place, and I did get a few laughs from a weird sub-plot about how Icelandic elves are real.