A certain Barbara Klein (aka Barbi Benton, Hef’s long-time girlfriend) in the unforgettable screen romance, Hospital Massacre (1981).

This film, by the way, was directed by Boaz Davidson, the same guy who created The Last American Virgin, a pretty good youthploitation film which was a remake of his earlier Israeli film, Eskimo Limon.

Hospital Massacre was nowhere near his worst film. That would probably be Going Bananas (2.7 at IMDb), a film starring Dom DeLuise and Jimmie (Dy-No-Mite) Walker with a premise so preposterous that it defies summary. IMDb gives it the ol’ college try: “While on vacation in a fictitious African country, the young son of a US senator, his guardian and their guide must stop the corrupt local police chief and the shady owner of a local circus from capturing their new friend – a talking ape.” Going Bananas was probably adapted from a Eugene O’Neill play, or possibly the work of the Bard of Avon himself.

It’s hard to come up with anything funny about the president these days. The political scene is so dull under Biden that it’s not even fun to read the news anymore. With Trump you knew he’d come up with some crazy-ass shit every day. Dave Chapelle called him, “You hilarious, racist bastard,” which really summed up how Trump could be simultaneously entertaining and infuriating. In spite of yourself, ya gotta love it when a guy gives zero fucks and will say any outrageous, transgressive thing just to piss off his opponents and keep attention on himself.

  • Like he’d call for an end to government assistance for blind orphans.
  • Or one day he might come up with a plan to deport all dwarves. “They’re small, they’re creepy. And some, I assume, are good people.”
  • Or maybe he’d ask Fauci if it was possible to cure COVID by sticking a flashlight up your ass.
  • Or he’d make pregnant rape victims carry the baby to term and marry their rapists.
  • Or he’d bomb Denmark until they gave him Greenland.
  • Or he’d shut down the Post Office to prevent mail-in ballots. “There can be no mail-ins if there’s no mail!”
  • Or he’d claim to fall in love with Kim Jong-Un
  • Or he could pardon guys who lied under oath to cover up his crimes.
  • Or he’d ask his followers to overthrow the duly elected U.S. government.

Hey, wait a minute. Did some of those really happen in the USA, or did I dream them?

So he is now Harry Penis.

Technically, in the formal terms of British peerage, he is now Prince Harry Penis – the 11th. Wow, eleven already? Given the number of titled Brits named Richard, it is safe to say that the nobility in Britain is filled with Dicks and Harry Penises.

Although I have to note, in all fairness, that one of the previous ten namesakes of the current Harry Penis XI, namely Harry Penis VIII (full name Harry Manfred Windsor Penis), was fully groomed, and this disgraced him in the eyes of his peers, who always called him Hairless Penis, or sometimes Manfred Manscaped.

“A Labrador Retriever leaps up and grabs a weather reporter’s microphone from her grasp during live TV weather report.” (It looks like a mature golden retriever to me, not a lab.)

OK, pet videos aren’t my thing, but I got soft because this is cute. The “pitch” above buries the lede, which is the hilarious chase when the reporter tries to get the mic back and the dog just takes off with her in furious pursuit. It definitely needs Yakety Sax.

“Tulsa County Sheriff’s Office deputies arrested 29-year-old Badlands McNally after authorities stopped to talk to him about the plane he was using.”

Hey, Dad McNally, when you named your kid “Badlands,” did you think that he’d become a philosopher or maybe go to dental school? Of course he smuggles Meth. It was either that or pro wrestling.

This is the rare occasion when one of the most sacred holidays of Christianity occurs on the same day as one of the most sacred holidays of Scoopianity. The Sunday after next is Easter, and is also Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day. The countdown begins.

(Because of COVID, Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day will probably not be very festive for the second straight year.)

In a site dedicated to crap, we have no choice but to worship Bill Shatner as a god. There is perhaps no man who has done more crappy acting and crappy singing than Shat.

As I see it, this makes him not only the greatest Canadian in history, but arguably the single greatest human being in the history of humanity.

(Possibly excepting Socrates and Randy Mantooth.)

All kidding aside, I think that Shatner has probably given my life more pleasure and laughter than anybody I know of. Granted, I was laughing AT him most of the time – but it still counts.

How he will celebrate

I don’t know whether Kirk was a better captain than Picard, but he was certainly more my kind of guy. Top arguments that Kirk is more manly than Picard:

13. Picard’s female officers think the captain’s “log” is some kind of wimpy electronic journal.

12. Sure, in their respective eras, they were both Presidents of the Hair Club for Men, but Kirk was also a client.

11. Quick query: what would Kirk have done if the chief of security showed up wearing a ponytail, or if the first officer ordered him off the bridge for his own safety.

10. How they react to cute, cuddly creatures on the bridge.

Picard: encourage science officer to adopt one.
Kirk: beam their cute, cuddly asses aboard Klingon ship.

9. How they would react to Deanna’s mother?

Picard: embarrassed tolerance.
Kirk: bribe Q to time-travel her butt to the Ceti-Alpha system, and let her read Kahn’s mind for a while.

8. How they spend their captain’s salary.

Picard: wise inter-galactic investments, and an occasional splurge on an ancient archeological artifact.
Kirk: blow it all on purple booze and green-skinned hookers.

7. Favorite character in 20th century Earth history.

Picard: Neville Chamberlain
Kirk: Wilt Chamberlain

6. What they do when Starfleet calls with unwanted directions.

Picard: Serious kissing of withered old admiral-butt.
Kirk: Leave communicator off the hook.

5. How would they relate to Counselor Troi’s mind-reading?

Picard: Purify thoughts with advanced Zen technique.
Kirk: Might as well get naked. She knows what’s coming.

4. How do they use the holodeck?

Picard: Wimpy 1930’s detective fantasies.
Kirk: Two words: virtual nookie.

3. How deal with primitive new civilizations.

Picard: Assist development within parameters of prime directive.
Kirk: Sleep with women, exploit men for cheap labor.

2. How they would react to Wesley.

Picard: Encourage development of mental and leadership skills.
Kirk: Use kid to get into mom’s drawers.

1. One Spanish word: cojones

“Cheese skipper flies, Piophila casei, lay their eggs in cracks that form in cheese, usually fiore sardo, the island’s salty pecorino. Maggots hatch, making their way through the paste, digesting proteins in the process, and transforming the product into a soft creamy cheese. Then the cheesemonger cracks open the top — which is almost untouched by maggots — to scoop out a spoonful of the creamy delicacy. It’s not a moment for the faint-hearted. At this point, the grubs inside begin to writhe frantically.”

Complete lists

I have to disqualify this year’s entire competition by invoking the Pecker Rule.

In my senior year of college we had our traditional vote for the douchebag of the year. My roommate, the Pecker, who was one of the election officials, tore up one of the ballots because none of the voter’s top ten choices included Fat Joe Carlson. This voter was disqualified for his obvious and complete ignorance, given that Carlson was not just a big, fat, fucking douchebag, but was the biggest, fattest, fuckingest, douchebaggiest guy in the history of Fordham University, which was no small achievement, because Donald Trump had preceded us there.

Invoking that precedent, I have to invalidate the Razzie ballot for its failure to nominate James Corden.