Category: Nonsense

“Apple iOS will now stop turning the F-word in your messages to ‘duck.’“

Now let’s hear it for “Cocaine Crabs from Outer Space“

“85-year-old man arrested for stealing condoms from convenience store”

“British daredevil sailor is forced to delay solo attempt to cross the Atlantic in a tiny 3ft boat after discovering his boat takes on water”

While that seems like a good enough reason for the delay, you’d think he might have tested that in advance.

“Mr Bedwell, who works as a yacht and sailmaker, plans to make modifications and relaunch the boat, which took three years to build and has a top speed of two-and-a-half miles per hour.”

“At press time, Target mandated that all employees should be drenched from head-to-toe”

That’s from The Onion, of course. If you don’t get the joke, it’s based on this.

While I have to give props to the headline writer for his choice of verbs, I have to note that same choice is misleading because the genitals in question are female. It’s the Giant Gold Thai Vulva, not to be confused with the Giant Pink Japanese Penis.

Not to be outdone by the headline creator, the staff writer referred to the gilded gash as a “holey” site.

“Since the bun is covered in gold leaf, your fingers will be golden by the time you finish.”

“Summer is creeping up on us, and you know what that means: it’s time to whip out your Johnson. Sure your friends, your girl and your family might all enjoy and respect what you can do with your Johnson, but no one has the connection with it that you do. Your one-on-one time with your Johnson is pretty special. It may not be the biggest thing around and can occasionally be hard to handle, but it’s all about how you use it.”

I felt that if the universe really had a controlling intelligence, this would have happened in Davenport, during the sectionals.

But one commenter pointed out that the universe is not so ignorant, after all, since Ankara was part of the Ottoman Empire.

By the way, wasn’t “Flying Sofa Over Ankara” the sequel to “1001 Nights”? I remember there was a major kerfuffle among the set designers when the flying sofa clashed with the flying carpet.

Apologies. I guess those alleged jokes might have been sharper, but I couldn’t quite decide how to couch the observations.

PLUG: I don’t normally take advertising, but this post was brought to you by:

Clever, but not novel.

Orson Welles once used this trick to get out of phys ed.

Dickmobile? Peckermobile? Nah

The most boring possible choice.

“Minnesota man invents beer-powered motorcycle”

I hope he has room on his mantel for that Nobel!