Category: Nonsense

“They were very proud to cast a Latina actress as Snow White. But you’re still telling the story of ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.’ Take a step back and look at what you’re doing there. It makes no sense to me. You’re progressive in one way but then you’re still making that fucking backwards story about seven dwarfs living in a cave together.”

So said Dinklage on Marc Maron’s podcast from Dinklage’s home, which ironically is a cave he shares with a coked-out Colombian chick and six other guys his size.

Disney’s response:

“We are taking a different approach with these seven characters and have been consulting with members of the dwarfism community.”

The dwarfism community? I had no idea dwarfism was an adjective. Anyway, I suppose a dwarfism community typically consists of seven members.

More details have come out about those different, highly sophisticated approaches promised by Disney:

1. The little fellows will now all be brothers, which explains why they live together, and they will be accorded a last name in an effort to lend them more dignity than just calling them “Sneezy” or “Dopey.” Their last name will be Klein, a distinguished German name.

2. And their first names will be Smarmy, Silly, Slimy, Sleazy, Sneaky, Tipsy and oddly enough, Kevin.

3. They will all by played by average-sized actors, and Snow White will be played by a 6’11” Latina.

4. In a brilliant piece of casting, the part of Kevin Klein will be played by Kevin Kline. The other casting hasn’t been finalized, but they want Hugh Grant for Smarmy Klein. Like all other American filmmakers, the producers are required by law to cast J.K. Simmons, probably as Sneaky Klein.

5. They are no longer miners. Now they spend the live-long day cobbling shoes as they sing merry tunes. They receive no pay except the joy that any of us can receive from providing taller people with comfortable footware. Given that the story takes place in Vietnam, I assume they work for Nike.

6. They don’t live in a cave, dammit. That would be a demeaning cliche. They live in a gingerbread house.

“At some point in the preceding hours Mr Ross had male genitals drawn on his face which enabled police to quickly track him down from a description of the culprits.”

Man, what a dickhead.

And it only costs $75.

I’m not up on the current price list in the world of sex workers, but I’m guessing you can probably still smell a real vagina for that price, but it probably won’t smell like, “notes of coconut milk and Damascena roses mixed with raw vanilla, hinoki cypress and hints of toasted cacao.”

“Under new regulations introduced in Belgium, government workers will be entitled to ignore their bosses if they’re contacted after hours.”

This is true unless there is a disruption in the waffle supply chain. In that case they must take the call. You never know when they may need to release some of the nation’s strategic waffle reserve.

Sometimes these food wars can get ugly. I think we all remember the bleak and unremitting horror of the Toast Wars between France and Texas.

Example:

Link here.

You think American justice is slow? It took Italy 19 years to decide the loud toilet case, and then their supreme court dispensed this Solomonic wisdom:

“Italy’s highest court has added the sound of a toilet flushing at night to a list of human rights violations that includes enslavement, torture and forced starvation.”

“The feces sculpture was in St. Petersburg’s Field of Mars, where graves of those who died in the 1917 Russian Revolution are buried.”

“A GOP senator who was called a ‘moron’ by Dr. Fauci is planning to introduce the FAUCI Act, which will require financial records for administrative officials to be public”

Only one slight problem with that … Roger Marshall was such a moron that he didn’t realize that they already are public! Here is Fauci’s info, if you’re interested. It took me less than 15 seconds to find what Marshall said his staff was unable to find. Any more recent filings are available upon request.

Of course, there is another problem with passing financial disclosure legislation – guys like Sen. Roger Marshall just feel free to ignore the laws!

Ah, the irony.

“Don’t kiss or snuggle your bearded dragon”

Sounds pretty obvious.

Unless they are speaking metaphorically, in which case sometimes people just have to kiss the ol’ bearded dragon, if you catch my overly obvious drift. How do you think Madonna became a star? And they say Nancy Reagan could kiss the bearded dragon like nobody’s business.

Back in ’72, I saw Killer Zionist Dolphins open in Tel Aviv for Kinky Friedman and the Texas Jewboys.

The employee, cops noted, “was able to identify McFarland because he recently applied for a position at Adult World.”

Key info:

The Autoblow’s creators contend the 10-speed masturbator–which plugs into a wall outlet–“uses artificial intelligence to give you the perfect blowjob.”

Pooh Shiesty plugs a guy in the butt, pleads out

Pooh Sheisty is a rap name. I think some of these rappers should mix it up a bit. Instead of taking a name like “Shady MoFo,” or “Ebony Ice,” one of them should go with something so square it’s all the way back around to cool, like “Stanley Gorski” or “Kevin O’Reilly.”

A poll found that 12% of people between the ages of 24 and 35 believed that the world is being ruled by lizards in human form – including the royal family and presidents.

Sounds ridiculous at first, but the more I think about it …

You may remember that Bloodthirsty Squirrel was David Seville’s ill-fated attempt to adapt his singing rodent act to adult audiences.

Alvin, put down that AK-47. ALVIN! ALLLLLLLLLLLVINNNNNNNNNN!

And who can forget when all the rodent-themed bands did their benefit for rat-bite fever? It was a magical night with Echo and the Bunnymen, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Danger Mouse, Bloodthirsty Squirrel and the Beaver Brown Band.

“Mom finds crystal meth worth $120,609 in cereal box“

Because this is what dad wants, and it’s pricey.

Questioned about the narcotics, Florence “stated the package wrapped around his penis was not his,” reported Deputy Levi Blake. It appears Florence–who has multiple cocaine convictions–did not identify the purported owner of the drugs wrapped around his penis (or whether that individual consented to their drugs being stored in such a fashion).