“WV Fire Marshal’s Office investigating after 1 injured in Beaver explosion”
I have a friend who nearly died from an exploding beaver. He survived, but he went full Jake Barnes. Today he is a coloratura soprano in a leading oratorio society.
Category: Nonsense
“Norway women’s beach handball team fined for wearing shorts instead of bikini bottoms”
That’s how you maintain a brand. The high sheriffs of that sport know how to assure the quality spectator experience in anything called “women’s beach ____.”
I’m not totally resistant to change. After all, I’ve accepted the designated hitter, so I’d go along if the women decided to play naked. Then they could wear skimpy bikinis on nostalgia days, like when baseball players wear those old-timey loose flannels.
Isn’t this a song?
No, not that gay anthem by Paul Shaffer.
This one:
They’re rioting in Africa
They’re starving in Spain
There’s hurricanes in Florida
And it’s raining cocaine
Twelve million dollars worth of cocaine lands on somebody’s roof in Sardinia
It did break a solar panel when it landed, but the homeowners could easily have paid for that if they hadn’t informed the police. Do you think Farmers will cover it? They’ve seen a thing or two.
The main problem is that they have to kill every single one because “one pregnant rat can take over a 4-square-mile island in just two years.”
Among the conditions to be fulfilled by bidders is that the sculptures be neatly polished and measure around 6.7 inches. If you have them lying around, they are willing to pay more than $130,000. I would love to do it, but I checked all my closets and storage spaces, and I can’t come up with more than 7500.
The kids got to see exactly how fuckin’ curious ol’ George really was
Create your own Scoopy comment: I’ll never forget that concert in _______ (location) when I saw Dildo-Wielding Rainbow Monkey open for _________ (real band with dumb name).
My submission: San Francisco, Strawberry Alarm Clock.
“The Finnish Reindeer Herders Association is testing out a new way to make the large mammals more visible to drivers: reflective paint.”
“Unlike cattle pizzles, which are sold as dog treats, deer pizzles are highly sought after and are often exported with some of the pelvic bone attached so buyers know they’re getting the real thing and not an imposter pizzle from a dog, or a seal.”
I was in New Zealand back in 2009 and saw Imposter Pizzle open for False Start.
Sign the petition 🙌🏼
Petition · Pit Googly Eyes Oan The Jobby · https://t.co/TdAjmBkCqC https://t.co/GPmqcmS99r
— Golden Turd Hotel (@TurdHotel) July 8, 2021
“Methamphetamine in waterways may be turning trout into addicts”
I’ll never forget that night in 1971 when I saw Meth-Addicted Trout open for Country Joe and the Fish.
Somewhere in the afterlife, he is still looking for those weapons of mass destruction.
“The Onion Looks Back At Donald Rumsfeld And The Power Of Following Your Dreams“
“Nicholas Hale, 50, brought the Fugging name change to light this summer while hyping his tour of towns with outrageous names: Cunt in Romania, Butthole Lane in Leicestershire, Titty Ho in Northamptonshire, Turkey Cock Lane in Essex, Wank Mountain in Germany and, yes, the now politely named Fugging in Austria.”
The “Birds aren’t real” movement plans to “spread the feathered gospel.”
I believe that people will actually start believing this. You can support that with a quote from one of two famous thinkers.
“All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.”
– Arthur Schopenhauer (allegedly)
“There is no idea too stupid to attract a large number of believers.”
– Uncle Scoopy
By the way, I don’t think Schopenhauer ever said that.
1. On two occasions shortly after its installation Bouscau reduced the size of the statue’s penis, following complaints from local women.
2. The statue’s penis has frequently been stolen and in 2016 the city council decided it would not be replaced permanently but that a temporary penis would be installed when public events were held near the statue.
But, on the other hand
1. You really, really have to love them. No hated ones allowed.
2. Back garden only. No stiffs in the front yard.
3. They should be dead, or at least very close.
Two observations on this study:
1. Assuming the authors of this study are highly intelligent, is it safe to assume this is bullshit?
2. If the study is accurate, Trump may be a genius on the level of Isaac Newton.
Big news in Kiwiland:
Or maybe he’s really dead. You make the call.
“John McAfee, the 90s software magnate-turned-globe-trotting fugitive, was found dead on Wednesday afternoon in a Spanish prison cell just hours after a court authorized his extradition to the United States on tax evasion charges. McAfee was 75.”
“According to Spanish newspaper El Mundo, which cited a statement from the Catalan Departamento de Justicia confirming the death, attempts by jail staff to resuscitate McAfee were unsuccessful. Reuters confirmed the department’s statement, which said the death was most likely a suicide.”
Boring story. Great headline.
“The Texas congressman asked whether there was anything the U.S. Forest Service could do ‘to change the course of the moon’s orbit or the Earth’s orbit around the sun.'”
The noted genius addressed a Forest Service spokesperson as follows: “If you figure out there’s a way in the Forest Service you could make that change, I’d like to know.”
Unfortunately, the Forest Service was too busy raking the forests to deploy any of their latest orbit-altering technology.
Yes, the National Park Service is once again offering bear safety tips — and that includes this advice: “Do not push a slower friend down … even if you feel the friendship has run its course.” (Their posts are consistently amusing.)
“At press time, the new curriculum was reportedly amended so that a few hours of the day could also be spent staring at a Confederate flag.”
“It’s claimed they thought scene with Catwoman would impact toy sales”
I guess the impact would depend on the specific nature of those toys.
If there is any live action footage of some 69 action between Adam West and Julie Newmar, I would gladly pay to see it. Especially if Burt Ward sees them and says, “Holy of Holies, Batman,” or perhaps
“Holy Grail, Batman”
“Holy Cats, Batman”
It’s the van from Dumb and Dumber. Well, it’s actually a “lamb-bo.”
“Nobody has eaten the mona lisa and we feel jeff bezos needs to take a stand and make this happen.”
And to make it better, Bezos should buy it from France, cook it, and pair it with a California wine.
“Check out some of the funniest and most ridiculous knockoff brands from popular products”
Is there rehab for cannibalism?
It must work like methodone. You gradually work your way down the evolutionary scale until finally eating appropriate flesh.