“They were very proud to cast a Latina actress as Snow White. But you’re still telling the story of ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.’ Take a step back and look at what you’re doing there. It makes no sense to me. You’re progressive in one way but then you’re still making that fucking backwards story about seven dwarfs living in a cave together.”

So said Dinklage on Marc Maron’s podcast from Dinklage’s home, which ironically is a cave he shares with a coked-out Colombian chick and six other guys his size.

Disney’s response:

“We are taking a different approach with these seven characters and have been consulting with members of the dwarfism community.”

The dwarfism community? I had no idea dwarfism was an adjective. Anyway, I suppose a dwarfism community typically consists of seven members.

More details have come out about those different, highly sophisticated approaches promised by Disney:

1. The little fellows will now all be brothers, which explains why they live together, and they will be accorded a last name in an effort to lend them more dignity than just calling them “Sneezy” or “Dopey.” Their last name will be Klein, a distinguished German name.

2. And their first names will be Smarmy, Silly, Slimy, Sleazy, Sneaky, Tipsy and oddly enough, Kevin.

3. They will all by played by average-sized actors, and Snow White will be played by a 6’11” Latina.

4. In a brilliant piece of casting, the part of Kevin Klein will be played by Kevin Kline. The other casting hasn’t been finalized, but they want Hugh Grant for Smarmy Klein. Like all other American filmmakers, the producers are required by law to cast J.K. Simmons, probably as Sneaky Klein.

5. They are no longer miners. Now they spend the live-long day cobbling shoes as they sing merry tunes. They receive no pay except the joy that any of us can receive from providing taller people with comfortable footware. Given that the story takes place in Vietnam, I assume they work for Nike.

6. They don’t live in a cave, dammit. That would be a demeaning cliche. They live in a gingerbread house.

And it only costs $75.

image host

I’m not up on the current price list in the world of sex workers, but I’m guessing you can probably still smell a real vagina for that price, but it probably won’t smell like, “notes of coconut milk and Damascena roses mixed with raw vanilla, hinoki cypress and hints of toasted cacao.”

“Under new regulations introduced in Belgium, government workers will be entitled to ignore their bosses if they’re contacted after hours.”

This is true unless there is a disruption in the waffle supply chain. In that case they must take the call. You never know when they may need to release some of the nation’s strategic waffle reserve.

Sometimes these food wars can get ugly. I think we all remember the bleak and unremitting horror of the Toast Wars between France and Texas.

That’s right, apparently Paltrow learned what to do with the anaconda d’amour when she was 18. I’m actually kinda surprised to hear that she knows even now. She seems like the kind that would hire a surrogate to do that for her.

“Rob Lowe’s wife, Sheryl Berkoff, taught an 18-year-old Gwyneth Paltrow how to perform oral sex.”

You think American justice is slow? It took Italy 19 years to decide the loud toilet case, and then their supreme court dispensed this Solomonic wisdom:

“Italy’s highest court has added the sound of a toilet flushing at night to a list of human rights violations that includes enslavement, torture and forced starvation.”

“A GOP senator who was called a ‘moron’ by Dr. Fauci is planning to introduce the FAUCI Act, which will require financial records for administrative officials to be public”

Only one slight problem with that … Roger Marshall was such a moron that he didn’t realize that they already are public! Here is Fauci’s info, if you’re interested. It took me less than 15 seconds to find what Marshall said his staff was unable to find. Any more recent filings are available upon request.

Of course, there is another problem with passing financial disclosure legislation – guys like Sen. Roger Marshall just feel free to ignore the laws!


Ah, the irony.

Just for discussion, of course.

The list excludes:

Duck Soup
The Big Lebowski
Blazing Saddles
Spinal Tap
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Life of Brian
Borat

That said, I’m OK with leaving in There’s Something About Mary, Airplane and Ground Hog Day.

Honorable mention:

Bananas
Take The Money and Run
Ace Ventura
The Royal Tenenbaums
Night at the Opera
Animal House
Napoleon Dynamite
The Naked Gun
The Producers (original version)
The Mask

Or something. I think his new term of address, rather than Your Royal Highness, is Your Assholiness.

He has also been de-coloneled and de-commodored.

I take it he is still the Duke of Earl or whatever dukedom he represents, and is still ninth in line to the throne, and will continue to be a vice-admiral, and the article still calls him “Prince Andrew.” Oh, yeah, and “Andrew will remain as a counsellor of state, able to undertake official duties if the sovereign is temporarily incapacitated through illness or abroad.”

So maybe it’s not really all that big a punishment. Call me when he gets demoted to chimney sweep.

I guess it depends on how one completes the thought. Less than what? If it’s less than Pete Davidson – certainly. If it’s less than they used to – maybe. If it’s less than me – probably not, unless they are Tibetan monks.

This may be the one and only time I link to an article in Scientific American.

It’s the only magazine where I don’t even understand the pictures.

We now resume the usual crap at my reading level, from Cracked and Weekly World News …

The clip is here.

You may remember that she was totally naked throughout the entire duration of a genre spoof, Not Another Teen Movie in 2001. (She played an exchange student, and the school respected the very different customs of her homeland.)

Oh, those teensploitation movies! I love the ones from the sixties best of all, with tag lines like “Jazzed-out and pot-crazed teen hipsters on the highway to hell.”

By the way, here’s a Scoopy travel tip. I used to take Route 666 to visit Hell, but it could use some upgrades, so I now use the newly paved Highway of Good Intentions. You’ll be glad to know that congressional Democrats have allocated some money to repair Route 666 in their infrastructure bill. They need to use it when they make their pilgrimages to Satan.

Georgia over Michigan 34-11

The Tide over Cincinnati 27-6

There was no surprise there. Georgia and Alabama each won by at least three TDs, and Georgia could have won by a lot more if they had chosen to. The two SEC powerhouses will square off again, as anticipated.

The championship game is considered a toss-up. Alabama was a slight favorite in the opening line, but Georgia is now a two or three point favorite. Alabama won the first match-up by 17.

In other bowl news, riddle me this, Batman. How the hell did Rutgers get in a bowl game, and how did I not notice until now? Apparently they have a Pity Bowl rule. As you might expect, the mighty Rutgers 11, proud possessors of a 2-7 conference record, were ground into holiday mincemeat by Wake Forest, which was ranked in the top twenty nationally. Moreover, Rutgers scored only ten points against WF, which has one of the most porous defenses of any major team. (They beat Army 70-56, for example. They scored 55 against North Carolina – and lost. Three of their other wins were 37-34, 40-37 and 45-42.)

The answer to the riddle? They got into a bowl game because of their good academic performance, based on the “give the nerds a participation trophy” trend. Honest to god, I did not make that up.

“The Scarlet Knights didn’t qualify for a bowl game with their record. They got an assist by virtue of the classroom and having the highest Academic Progress Rate.”

They needed rules like this when I was in school. Despite my pathetic throwing skills, I could have been our starting quarterback instead of a math nebbish.

Maybe I could even have gotten laid.

OK, maybe not on the laid thing. I know for sure that my female classmates didn’t give a free pass to their vaginas for good academic performance. I think that would have been especially true after they saw me throw ten interceptions and cry like a baby after getting sacked.

But I could have started for Rutgers.

—————–

The rest of the story.

Everything I wrote is accurate or at least a reasonable hyperbole, but I left out a lot of details to make the story funnier. Texas A&M was supposed to play in the Gator Bowl against Wake Forest, and they are damned good. As evidence of that, I submit that they handed Alabama their only loss this season! But A&M had to withdraw. Rutgers found out they were going to be in a bowl game just a short time ago, and they were just as surprised as I was. I mean, they lost games by scores like 52-3 and 52-13 and 28-0 during the regular season, when they were actually in training, and were … er … prepared for their opponents. Given those circumstances, you have to give them some credit. They did pretty well to keep the score at 38-10 when (a) they suck mightily and (b) just nine days earlier they had been drinking beer and planning their holiday vacations.

So it worked out for everybody, except maybe the fans who were expecting a better game:

  • The kids from Rutgers got to greet the New Year in Florida (81 degrees in Jacksonville today) instead of New Jersey.
  • And the kids from Wake Forest got to celebrate a rousing triumph instead of playing the team that beat Alabama.

You may remember that Bloodthirsty Squirrel was David Seville’s ill-fated attempt to adapt his singing rodent act to adult audiences.

Alvin, put down that AK-47. ALVIN! ALLLLLLLLLLLVINNNNNNNNNN!

And who can forget when all the rodent-themed bands did their benefit for rat-bite fever? It was a magical night with Echo and the Bunnymen, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Danger Mouse, Bloodthirsty Squirrel and the Beaver Brown Band.

“The research involved stimulating the clitorises of 20 adult females while their brains were scanned using functional magnetic resonance imaging.”

I don’t know if the scientists involved here are smart enough to prove this point, but I know that there’s an even more cogent argument for their genius: they thought this up in the first place. “Look, I’ll just place this device on your head while I lick your clit. It’ll only take a sec. Darn. The reading wasn’t clear. We better take a longer scan.”

“We can say that it was marginally better than 2020. Granted, this is not high praise. It’s like saying that somebody is marginally nicer than Hitler. But it’s something.”

“The Capitol is invaded by thousands of people who are fiercely loyal to Trump and determined to ensure that his enduring legacy, as president, will be that he inspired a tragic, futile and utterly stupid riot at the U.S. Capitol.”

“President Biden proposes a fiscal 2022 federal budget of $6 trillion, to be raised by what the White House describes as ‘an exciting new partnership with Herbalife.'”

“The big story in August is the withdrawal of American forces from Afghanistan, a country that, thanks to 20 years of our involvement, has been transformed — at a cost of many lives and more than $2 trillion — from a brutal, primitive undemocratic society into a brutal, primitive undemocratic society with a whole lot of abandoned American military hardware lying around.”

Questioned about the narcotics, Florence “stated the package wrapped around his penis was not his,” reported Deputy Levi Blake. It appears Florence–who has multiple cocaine convictions–did not identify the purported owner of the drugs wrapped around his penis (or whether that individual consented to their drugs being stored in such a fashion).