“‘Modern Family’ star
Ariel Winter confused cyclist Lance Armstrong with astronaut Neil Armstrong in Fox’s new ‘Stars On Mars’ show”
“Lance Armstrong is a real frickin’ astronaut. He is a real astronaut. He is Lance Armstrong. You need to Google him.”
Neil Armstrong walked on the moon before Lance was born.
“That was part of my, like, fear coming on this show was I was going to say something stupid,” Winter said later in a confessional. “And I literally, like, I outdid myself.” Ariel played “the smart one” on Modern Family.
What cracked up medieval peasants? Killer bunnies and poop jokes, apparently.
“They found those that were moderately sized and had more volume in the area above the nipples — called
‘upper pole fullness’ — scored highest.”
So, scientists finally devised a scheme to see their first breasts! In the 1980s, Golan and Globus would have acquired the rights to this story.
There are many possible uses of AI. Perhaps the dumbest, yet oddly also the most important, is to show us
what young Christina Hendricks might have looked like naked.
“British daredevil sailor is forced to delay solo attempt to cross the Atlantic in a tiny 3ft boat after discovering
his boat takes on water”
While that seems like a good enough reason for the delay, you’d think he might have tested that in advance.
“Mr Bedwell, who works as a yacht and sailmaker, plans to make modifications and relaunch the boat, which took three years to build and has a top speed of two-and-a-half miles per hour.”
“At press time, Target mandated that
all employees should be drenched from head-to-toe”
That’s from The Onion, of course. If you don’t get the joke, it’s based on
While I have to give
props to the headline writer for his choice of verbs, I have to note that same choice is misleading because the genitals in question are female. It’s the Giant Gold Thai Vulva, not to be confused with the Giant Pink Japanese Penis.
Not to be outdone by the headline creator, the staff writer referred to the gilded gash as a “holey” site.
As the good lord intended.
Unfortunately, it is totally “woke” and oh, so self-important.
Check this out:
“She said her goal in creating the course was to use digital pornography as a jumping-off point to talk about race, ability, and the patriarchy.”
the bun is covered in gold leaf, your fingers will be golden by the time you finish.”
“Summer is creeping up on us, and you know what that means: it’s time to
whip out your Johnson. Sure your friends, your girl and your family might all enjoy and respect what you can do with your Johnson, but no one has the connection with it that you do. Your one-on-one time with your Johnson is pretty special. It may not be the biggest thing around and can occasionally be hard to handle, but it’s all about how you use it.”
The same study incorporated several measurements to determine the best and worst dog owners by city. Pittsburgh was the worst, Tucson the best.
I felt that if the universe really had a controlling intelligence, this would have happened in Davenport, during the sectionals.
But one commenter pointed out that the universe is not so ignorant, after all, since Ankara was part of the Ottoman Empire.
By the way, wasn’t “Flying Sofa Over Ankara” the sequel to “1001 Nights”? I remember there was a major kerfuffle among the set designers when
the flying sofa clashed with the flying carpet.
Apologies. I guess those alleged jokes might have been sharper, but I couldn’t quite decide how to couch the observations.
PLUG: I don’t normally take advertising, but this post was brought to you by:
Clever, but not novel.
Orson Welles once used
this trick to get out of phys ed.
Minnesota man invents beer-powered motorcycle”
I hope he has room on his mantel for that Nobel!