“‘Modern Family’ star Ariel Winter confused cyclist Lance Armstrong with astronaut Neil Armstrong in Fox’s new ‘Stars On Mars’ show”

“Lance Armstrong is a real frickin’ astronaut. He is a real astronaut. He is Lance Armstrong. You need to Google him.”

Neil Armstrong walked on the moon before Lance was born.

“That was part of my, like, fear coming on this show was I was going to say something stupid,” Winter said later in a confessional. “And I literally, like, I outdid myself.” Ariel played “the smart one” on Modern Family.

“British daredevil sailor is forced to delay solo attempt to cross the Atlantic in a tiny 3ft boat after discovering his boat takes on water

While that seems like a good enough reason for the delay, you’d think he might have tested that in advance.

“Mr Bedwell, who works as a yacht and sailmaker, plans to make modifications and relaunch the boat, which took three years to build and has a top speed of two-and-a-half miles per hour.”

While I have to give props to the headline writer for his choice of verbs, I have to note that same choice is misleading because the genitals in question are female. It’s the Giant Gold Thai Vulva, not to be confused with the Giant Pink Japanese Penis.

Not to be outdone by the headline creator, the staff writer referred to the gilded gash as a “holey” site.

“Summer is creeping up on us, and you know what that means: it’s time to whip out your Johnson. Sure your friends, your girl and your family might all enjoy and respect what you can do with your Johnson, but no one has the connection with it that you do. Your one-on-one time with your Johnson is pretty special. It may not be the biggest thing around and can occasionally be hard to handle, but it’s all about how you use it.”

I felt that if the universe really had a controlling intelligence, this would have happened in Davenport, during the sectionals.

But one commenter pointed out that the universe is not so ignorant, after all, since Ankara was part of the Ottoman Empire.

By the way, wasn’t “Flying Sofa Over Ankara” the sequel to “1001 Nights”? I remember there was a major kerfuffle among the set designers when the flying sofa clashed with the flying carpet.

Apologies. I guess those alleged jokes might have been sharper, but I couldn’t quite decide how to couch the observations.

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