Linda Fiorentino topless in Bodily Harm (1995)

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Grade-B erotic mystery from the USA. 4.9 at IMDb.

All comments and film clips by Johnny Moronic.

Still with the 90s movies. Capped a Linda Fiorentino-starring movie the other day (Acting on Impulse) that was basically a B-movie and went looking around for more stuff I hadn’t capped and come across this 1995 serial killer thriller, Bodily Harm, which Linda must’ve made after The Last Seduction. Didn’t realise she was still making forgettable B-movies this late in her career because she basically became A-list after The Last Seduction hit. This one’s pretty bad and Daniel Baldwin co-starring is a marker of quality. Plot gets real silly in a desperate attempt to hide who the very obvious killer is and then unveils it in a requisite last scene twist you just knew would happen.

Scoop’s note: Although Johnny Moronic knows what he’s doing when it comes to video capture, the quality of this source is so poor that the project is not worth your time. I asked AI to give it a try, but that was fruitless, The Fiorentino images were too dark to create a realistic enhancement, and the Fiara images had too much motion blur. (She was apparently portraying a hyperactive stripper, because she never stopped twitching and gyrating.) I included the raw caps and the edits below, but the raw caps are useless, and the edits are beautiful, but not realistic. AI had nothing to work with, so it could only produce an image that showed the general idea in good light, but not the soul of the subjects.

Linda Fiorentino

Bodily-Harm-Fiorentinoedit-1 Bodily-Harm-Fiorentino-raw

Christi Fiara

Bodily-Harm-Fiaraedit-1 Bodily-Harm-Fiara-raw

Johnny’s film clips are here.

Maria Belen Gutierrez naked in Apostando Con El Diablo (2024)

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Horror film from Argentina. (“Gambling With the Devil”)

Dori is a retiree who spends her days drinking mate and playing lottery with Claudia, the woman who helps her clean her house. One day, she is unpleasantly surprised to learn that her neighbor Alicia has suddenly died. Overwhelmed by financial problems, Claudia tells Dori about Necromancy, the ritual by which one can consult the dead about the future. Dori agrees to this practice, thinking that her financial problems will soon be solved. But what she doesn’t know is that desecrating the sleep of the dead can have terrifying consequences.

Gutierrez nearly goes full Beart here, as she basically spends the last half-hour of the film stark naked.


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Video

You can watch the entire film free on Favesome

College Pigskin, Week 8

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This week’s theme #1: No Longer Undefeated

We began the weekend with six undefeated FBS teams. And then there were three.

I think we call knew that BYU wasn’t the second-best team in the nation. It was just a matter of time before that was officially exposed. It didn’t take long. They lost their first game from the exalted #2 throne. Which was more humiliating – that they lost to a direction team (Central Florida), or that they allowed more than 450 yards in the process? UCF needed two overtimes, but they eventually gave BYU its first defeat.

Are you shocked to find out that #8 Texas Tech was overrated? I wasn’t. They are no longer undefeated after a 37-24 loss to unranked Cincinnati.

Formerly undefeated James Madison was upset by Appalachian in OT. JMU was one of the top contenders for the guaranteed spot in the playoff that goes to the highest-ranked team outside the “Power Four plus Notre Dame.” With Madison falling behind, Boise State seems to have a stranglehold on that spot.

The last men standing in the undefeated ranks: Utah, UCLA, Miami.

Miami is averaging nearly 50 points per game. Let’s see how that stands up against Notre Dame in two weeks.

Elsewhere:

#6 Indiana and Michigan played another one of those boring-ass games dominated by defense. It was 6-6 in regulation, all on field goals, with each quarter contributing exactly 3 points. Indiana gained fewer than 200 yards in regulation, and Michigan’s total was not much higher. Michigan’s ground game was almost non-existent: 57 yards on 42 carries. Indiana pulled it out in OT. This was their first win in Ann Arbor since 1967.

#7 Mississippi lost to #19 Texas in a battle of free-wheeling, high-risk offenses. Texas was ahead 24-3 at halftime, but got sloppy, and it was soon 24-24. Texas QB Arch Manning again allowed three turnovers (2 INTs and a fumble), but Ole Miss was even sloppier, with 3 INTs and 27 incomplete passes. Ole Miss had a chance for a last-play TD, but the Longhorns held on. That wasn’t an upset. Texas was the betting favorite.

#11 Tennessee also lost. The story of that game was penalties. Tennessee had eight penalties for 60 yards, including three that nullified TDs. Unranked South Carolina broke a tie with a walk-off FG.

#15 Iowa and #16 USC lost to Minnesota and Wisconsin, because the Big Ten is a tough town. Iowa lost a close one on yet another walk-off FG. USC ran into the steamroller that is the Wisconsin defense. The Badgers forced two interceptions and held USC to negative rushing yardage. If only they could do something when they get the ball.

Oklahoma State was losing to Colorado at halftime and ended up winning by 33. Now THAT is a good second half. That must have been the all-time best locker room pep talk.

This week’s theme #2: Bad Team Names

In a battle of ranked teams, undefeated #10 Utah was behind in the fourth quarter, but scored two unanswered TDs to defeat #14 Houston. SIDEBAR: With an infinite number of possible nicknames for their team, the Utah Utes was the best they could come up with? Isn’t it time for John Oliver to rename their team? It sounds like Joe Pesci named the team. “Yeah, dey wasn’t jest kids. Dey looked like a buncha bad utes, yer honner.”

Speaking of bad nicknames, the Delaware Blue Hens somehow scored 61 points, delighting both of their fans. The visiting team had to go there for the game, so they did not break my long-held belief that nobody has ever gone to Delaware voluntarily.

I had never seen that Delaware mascot before, probably because neither I nor anyone else has ever watched a Delaware football game, or even been to Delaware. Here she is:



That is one fucked-up chicken. It looks like something Hunter Thompson might see on his breakfast plate after a rough night of recreational drugs.

With apologies to you Tar Heels, Hoosiers and Sooners, the traditional finalists, you guys are now also-rans in the bad nickname sweepstakes. In addition to the Blue Hens and the Utes, we have:

The Virginia Tech Hokies. WTF? The Virginia Tech “Hokies” nickname originated in 1896 when a senior won a $5 campus contest to write a new school spirit yell. The Original Cheer: “Hoki, Hoki, Hoki, Hy. Techs, Techs, V.P.I.” Well said, lads! Thomas Wolfe couldn’t have said it better. Although he would have used far more words.

The Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets. Note that they don’t spell it as one word like the wasps. They way they spell it, their team is named after the pastel blazers worn by real estate salesmen, or maybe an especially cowardly windbreaker. “Hey, we’re yellow!” Georgia Tech spells “Yellow Jackets” as two words because the nickname originally referred to the yellow coats and jackets worn by fans in the stands during the early 1900s. (I didn’t make that up!) They also use the best nickname ever – the Ramblin’ Wrecks, but they decided against using that for their football team, choosing instead to name it after Jim McKay’s wardrobe.

The Vanderbilt Commodores. Yeah, I get the reference, but does the phrase “Here come the Commodores” suggest you will soon encounter a powerful football juggernaut or a smooth soul ballad?

They might have a bad nickname, but they have some sweet-ass uniforms.

The Akron Zips. I did not make this up either: “The University of Akron athletic teams are called the Zips as a short form of ‘Zippers,’ which was chosen during a campus-wide contest in 1925 (or 1926, depending on records)” Now that I look at some of their box scores, I see that it’s not a bad name for them. After their first two games last year, they had two zips, and been outscored 78-zip!

A hen is a female. I asked Chat GPT if there were other male sports teams named after females, and it came up with one priceless example:

The Pomona-Pitzer Sagehens

Here’s Delaware’s closest relative. The California school fields a D-III men’s football team called the Sagehens. Their mascot is Cecil the Sagehen. That name dates back more than a century, to when a 1913 campus newspaper explicitly referred to the Sage Hen as she, although it is Cecil rather than Cecilia. So maybe a trans hen, or at least a cross-dresser? California has always been progressive.

Cecil the Sagehen – there’s a mascot to strike fear in the hearts of their opponents. I imagine Cecil invariably explained to the opposing team why violence is never the answer.



(The story is real. The pic is a fake from my imagination.)

The Playoff

If the season ended today with the AP rankings as the final standings, here’s what the playoff would look like:

Mississippi would draw the short straw in this hypothetical scenario. It would be replaced as the 12th seed by Boise State, which would get an automatic bid.

In real life, other teams in the top 12 (not just #12) could get displaced by lower-ranked conference champions. The conference champions in the Power Four get automatic bids. In the past, they automatically got the top four seeds and a bye, but the new rules simply give them a place in the tournament. That could be as low as the 12th seed.

I would love to see Indiana and Notre Dame finish 4-5, as pictured above. That could set up a helluva local rivalry in a bowl game.

The New Rankings

Sorted originally by Sagarin top 50. Re-sort by clicking on the headings – once for best to worst, again to reverse.

The humans and computers are starting to align better.

Team
Ohio State 1 1 2
Notre Dame 2 3 5
Miami-Florida 3 5 1
Georgia 4 2 3
LSU 5 4 15
Indiana 6 6 4
Alabama 7 7 10
Texas 8 8 11
Mississippi 9 16 12
Oregon 10 12
Tennessee 11 11 16
UCLA 12 17 7
Utah 13 10 6
Florida 14 31 17
Kentucky 15 32 9
Texas Tech 16 9 13
Oklahoma 17 33
BYU 18 13 8
Nebraska 19 15
Wisconsin 20 40 25
Missouri 21 18 23
South Carolina 22 28 30
Wake Forest 23 25 14
Northwestern 24 20 20
Houston 25 22 18
Arizona 26 14 22
Iowa 27 23 26
Texas A&M 28 34
Louisville 29 26
Southern California 30 19 32
SMU 31 21 19
Auburn 32 51
Oklahoma State 33 24 24
Michigan 34 27
Mississippi State 35 52
Penn State 36 36
Illinois 37 48
Florida State 38 54
Boise State 39 30 20
Washington 40 35
Baylor 41 43
Central Florida(UCF) 42 56
Pittsburgh 43 44
Virginia Tech 44 38 33
North Carolina 45 58
TCU 46 41
Minnesota 47 57 31
Cincinnati 48 49 28
Duke 49 47
Clemson 50 55

“This day is called the feast of Crispian …”

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“He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when the day is named,
And rouse him at the name of Crispian.
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say ‘To-morrow is Saint Crispian:’
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars.
And say ‘These wounds I had on Crispin’s day.’
Old men forget: yet all shall be forgot,
But he’ll remember with advantages
What feats he did that day: then shall our names.
Familiar in his mouth as household words
Harry the king, Bedford and Exeter,
Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester,
Be in their flowing cups freshly remember’d.
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Crispin Crispian shall ne’er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remember’d;
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition:
And gentlemen in England now a-bed
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin’s day.”

Shakespeare, Henry V (Act IV, Scene III),

It was on October 25th in 1415 that Henry V of England led his troops to a resounding victory over France at Agincourt, although the English were outnumbered, and fighting on French territory. Making victory even less likely was the fact that his troops were basically on foot, while the French forces included many armed and mounted knights.

Henry had one important thing on his side – longbows. The longbow wasn’t new technology, but the English had turned it into a devastating military system. Henry had some 5,000 archers and they had plenty of arrows. He also had the ideal setting for his archers to confront the French advance. The battlefield was a narrow, muddy opening between two dense forests, basically the worst possible conditions for the French. The mud impeded the French advance, while the dense woodlands made it impossible for the French to create flanking or rear attacks. The terrain forced them to make direct charges, straight into hail after hail of English arrows. The horsemen who successfully approached the English lines found that the archers were protected from cavalry charges by sharpened, outward-facing stakes. In the narrow opening afforded them, with piles of bodies to their rear, dense forests on either side, and thousands of well-sheltered English longbowmen in front of them, the French could neither charge nor retreat effectively. Once the French formation collapsed, the battle became a slaughter. The English were merciless. Historians estimate that the archers may have fired hundreds of thousands of arrows that day. The piles of French bodies were so high that it was difficult to identify exactly who did die that day. Some of their wives had to find out over time, simply from the fact that their husbands never returned. The bloodshed didn’t even end with the eventual French retreat. Henry ordered most of his prisoners killed, although how many actually died in the massacre is uncertain. He spared only those of the very highest ranks, and even ordered the killing of some men worth ransoming.

Here is a concise description of the action:

Per Wikipedia:

“The French had suffered a catastrophic defeat. In all, around 6,000 of their fighting men lay dead on the ground. The list of casualties, one historian has noted, “read like a roll call of the military and political leaders of the past generation”. Among them were 90–120 great lords and bannerets killed, including three dukes, nine counts and one viscount, also an archbishop. Of the great royal office holders, France lost its constable, an admiral, the Master of Crossbowmen, Master of the Royal Household and prévôt of the marshals. 3,069 knights and squires were killed, while at least 2,600 more corpses were found without coats of arms to identify them. Entire noble families were wiped out in the male line, and in some regions an entire generation of landed nobility was annihilated. The bailiffs of nine major northern towns were killed, often along with their sons, relatives and supporters. In the words of Juliet Barker, the battle “cut a great swath through the natural leaders of French society. Estimates of the number of prisoners vary between 700 and 2,200, amongst them the dukes of Orléans and Bourbon, the counts of Eu, Vendôme, Richemont (brother of the Duke of Brittany and stepbrother of Henry V) and Harcourt, and marshal Jean Le Maingre.”

In contrast, Shakespeare contended that the English casualties amounted to 29 men, of which 25 were unnamed, presumably untitled.

(Cough. Cough.)

OK, that was a bit of bullshit, although it wasn’t entirely Shakespeare’s bullshit. His source, Holinshed, reported the same absurdly low figure—then immediately added that “writers of greater credit” put the English dead at more than 500 or 600. Shakespeare, displaying the instincts of a gifted press secretary, went with 29.

Exaggeration aside, Agincourt was one of history’s great tactical victories, destroying a larger force and wiping out a remarkable portion of the French military and political leadership. It also greatly strengthened Henry’s position in France. After five more years of war, conquest and French civil strife, the Treaty of Troyes recognized Henry as regent of France and heir to the French throne.

(He would die a little more than two years later, just weeks before Charles VI, and therefore never actually sat on that throne.)

More important than any of that to us today is that the victory inspired one of Shakespeare’s best speeches, as cited above and shown below. Ol’ Shakey often used his speeches and monologues to deliver melancholy, philosophical ruminations about the fragility of life, but this was different. It was a stirring call to action for country and brotherhood.