Before her lengthy stint on TNG, Marina did nude scenes in small-to-supporting roles in three mainstream films. That was a typical path for an aspiring actress in her 20s in the 1980s.
1978 – The Thief of Baghdad – (age 23) non-nude, uncredited
Marina eventually became a familiar star from her role as Troi in Star Trek: TNG; and her pre-Troi nude roles from the 1983-85 era are now well known to fans of celebrity nudity; but her brief appearance in The Thief of Baghdad is obscure.
This movie was directed by Clive Donner and starred many respected actors like Frank Finlay, Ian Holm, Roddy McDowall, Terence Stamp and Peter Ustinov, but is nonetheless an all-but-forgotten artifact of a simpler time.
1983 – The Wicked Lady (28)
This is a costume drama about an English noblewoman in the 17th century who grows bored with her privileged life and secretly takes to robbing travelers. She partners with a dashing highwayman, but her dangerous double life threatens to expose her true identity. It was based on a 1944 novel, “Life and Death of the Wicked Lady Skelton” by Magdalen King-Hall, who based her tale on a historical 17th-century character known as The Wicked Lady, who may or may not have been an heiress named Katherine Ferrers.
Shortly after that book was published, a British filmmaker turned it into a 1945 film, also called “The Wicked Lady,” starring Margaret Lockwood and James Mason. In this 1983 remake, the naughty noble is played by Faye Dunaway, and the dashing highwayman by Alan Bates. Many critics pointed out that the 1983 version was nearly a word-for-word remake that had no artistic value, and offered nothing additional except color and nudity.
Which, when you think about it, is no small improvement.
1984 – Blind Date (29)
I don’t like the films of Nico Mastorakis, to say the least, although I believe I can state unequivocally that Island of Death is the Citizen Kane of goat-fucking films. Nico’s tastes are, to put it mildly, eclectic. One of his non-goat-fucking films stars Zsa Zsa Gabor, Billy Barty, Shannon Tweed, Dick Gautier, Yvonne De Carlo, Erik Estrada, Norman Fell, Lou Ferrigno, Little Richard and Bubba Smith.
It’s really a shame that none of them got to fuck a goat. There are some great possibilities there.
On the other hand, Nico’s DVD commentaries are really entertaining – filled with great and unfiltered behind-the-scenes stories and gossip. Who can resist stories about the exploits of the noted wastrel, Oliver Reed, who worked with Nico in Hired to Kill? Of course, the sad part of that is that Oliver Reed pissed away all that great talent so completely that he had to appear in a Nico Mastorakis movie.
Although he never had to fuck a goat.
But from what I have read about Oliver Reed, he wouldn’t have hesitated to do so.
Even when the cameras were not rolling.
1985 – Death Wish III (30)
Charles Bronson has 73 acting credits in films with an IMDb rating, and the Death Wish sequels represent four of his bottom five, including his worst three movies! Based on the IMDb scores, Death Wish 3 is the third worst movie Bronson ever made, and it would have been the worst if he had never made Death Wish 4 and Death Wish V!
Death Wish 3 (1985) is considered by Roger Ebert to be better than number two in the series, although that isn’t saying much, because Mr. Ebert’s upgrade for this one was based on one star. He gave Death Wish II no stars at all.
(6.38) – Death Wish (1974)
(4.59) – Death Wish II (1982)
(4.11) – Death Wish 3 (1985)
(4.00) – Death Wish V: The Face of Death (1994)
(3.65) – Death Wish 4: The Crackdown (1987)
The domestic box office performance of the five films traces the degeneration and general mismanagement of the franchise.
Death Wish $22m
Death Wish II $16m
Death Wish 3 $16m
Death Wish 4 $6m
Death Wish V $2m
1999 – Paradise Lost (44)
This is a brilliant adaptation of Milton’s epic poem, starring Marina Sirtis.
As the baritone says in the trailer, “Counselor Troi IS Satan.”
I’m kidding. Milton had nothing to do with this.
It is a no-budget eco-parable. And when I say there was no budget, I’m not kidding. They show a crop-spraying plane flying far overhead, then they show two people from the waist up, dusting themselves off, apparently shaking off the crop spray. We know this because they tell us, with witty dialogue like, “What about that pesky crop spray, eh? Here, let’s shake it off.” The production values are exactly the same as those mid-1970s kid’s dramas like Mighty Isis, Electra Woman, and Shazam.
William Forsythe plays a mega-developer who wants to place the world’s greatest resort in the middle of the jungle. His plan is to spray a super-duper new defoliant which will instantly clear the jungle. Marina Sirtis plays a biologist/archeologist/chemist/physicist/physician, Mrs. Wizard, who is working in the jungle studying … um … important jungle stuff that involves microscopes and Bunsen burners and numbers scrolling on computer screens. She has an inquisitive little kid who hangs around and asks her questions (“Gee, Mrs. Wizard …”), and that is the clumsy way in which the script handles off-camera exposition and pseudo-scientific explanations.
Marina teaches Forsythe that progress is bad, and that we would all be happy if we could just hold hands and sing that “teach the world” Coke song, except without the Coke, and live in harmony with nature as the Toltecs did … well, at least until nature kicked their asses and made them disappear forever.
And while she’s at it, Marina also teaches Forsythe to love.
And what happened then? Well, in Whoville they say … … that Forsythe’s small heart grew three sizes that day.
The love part gave the movie its only redeeming feature – Counselor Troi’s bare chest. She had exposed the girls in several movies way back before she got the Star Trek job, but this is the only time she exposed her breasts on film after playing Counselor Troi, and the only time she did a nude scene as a mature woman. She went 14 years in between topless scenes, making Death Wish 3 when she was 30 and this movie when she was 44. In addition to her grainy, dark topless scene (which is further marred by the fact that she is in motion), she also has a lot of screen time standing still in a white t-shirt, and those scenes were shot outside in sunlight.
Anyway …
Did I mention that the film also has some silly looking monsters that are about half human, and they are always shown in shadow, holding their hands aloft to look more impressive. Actually, that’s not completely true. There are also some close-ups of their eyes, with maybe a single tear, like that Native American in the famous public service ad. Well, anyway, it turns out that they are not monsters at all and that their DNA is quite a bit closer to human than William Forsythe’s. You see the moral, kids? If the evil Forsythe had gone ahead with his project, he would have destroyed an entire unknown species – people who are just like us, except hairy and scary, like your Uncle Mike after he has too many drinks at your family’s Fourth of July beach party. Would you like William Forsythe to kill your Uncle Mike? Hell, no! He gave you twenty bucks for your birthday one year, and he once showed you his Playboy collection.
Not to mention, as Counselor Troi reminds us, Forsythe might also have destroyed that elusive plant she has been looking for – the one which might cure cancer, AIDS, and Republicanism.
If you take away Marina’s topless scene, the film is really just a preachy, G-rated episode of Mighty Isis without the superpowers. Think about it. It looks like it was shot on video tape; there’s a female archeologist; a kid is around to ask her questions; science and respect are being taught though the plot; the special effects consist of shaking the camera a little (at best); and an important moral lesson is learned at the end.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Now that I think about it, if Joanna Cameron had taken off her top once in a while, Mighty Isis would have been pretty cool.
This movie, however, is not.
Trivia:
Marina was already an established star, and a cult figure among Trekkies, but she agreed to appear in this very weak effort that appears to have been a non-union film financed by Puerto Rican tax dollars. The opening credits read: “In association with Puerto Rico’s Investment Tax Credit Enhancement Film Fund.” There could not have been much of that sweet, sweet tax money available, because the budget for that film appears to have been microscopic, as detailed above.
When I wrote that review, probably twenty years ago, Marina was born in 1960. She is now born in 1955 so, as befits a sci-fi star, she managed to time-travel. A lot of people in Hollywood fudge their birthdays, but Marina got away with a full five years before she fessed up. Your move, Mimi Rogers!
* There are HD widescreen videos for Death Wish 3, Blind Date and The Wicked Lady.
* There is DVD footage for Paradise Lost
* There is a VHS rip for The Thief of Baghdad
* There is also a bonus full-frame clip from Death Wish 3
