“The main challenge has been to recreate the gadgets from the film world and transfer them into a consumer product. We have license in the film world to ‘cheat’ different aspects under controlled conditions. For instance, we might have four different cars to accommodate four different gadgets. We obviously don’t have that luxury on these DB5s, as all the gadgets have to work in the same car all the time.”

They will make 25 of them, and one could have been yours for a mere 3.5 million dollars, except that all 25 have already been sold!

“Gregory, who played Tyler Crowley in Twilight, and his girlfriend Natalie Adepojuwere pronounced dead on May 13. The two individuals’ cause of deaths are still pending. A source tells E! News that both Natalie and Gregory were found deceased in their Las Vegas condo on Wednesday, May 13. ‘Greg’s cousin woke up and noticed that Greg’s car was still at the house. He was worried because Greg was to be in LA. His cousin went to check on him and found them’”

Yeah, nothin’ suspicious there.

Latka: No, no, Latka need woman…(LOOKS IN DICTIONARY)…to…marry. To marry.

Alex: Oh, I see! Yeah, if you marry an American woman, they won’t deport you.

Latka: You take tongue right out of my mouth.

Alex: So, uh, all we have to do is find a woman, right? (LATKA NODS) You got any ideas?

Latka: Phyllis George.


Phyllis George passed away today at 70.

She had a very wholesome, businesslike image, so no nudity, but she did occasionally flash some cleavage for charity. In the comment section, somebody found a picture of her in a bathing suit. Here’s another from her pageant days.

This death really hit home because Fred wasn’t just a name from the distant past. Just a few months ago he was still appearing regularly on Jimmy Kimmel Live! and he was almost as quick as ever. He was an underrated giant, an absolute master at what he did and, as the article points out, “Willard was one of those actors who made you smile at first sight.” Like many people, I first took notice of Willard when he played the hilariously clueless Jerry Hubbard on Fernwood 2 Night, a show I watched religiously and still occasionally quote.


Some other examples:

Fernwood 2 Night: “Talk to a Jew” – from the first episode.

The complete first episode. “Leisure Suits Cause Cancer” – guest starring Dabney Coleman as Fernwood’s mayor.

They have written a script, but will not direct.

 

From the comment section:

——–

“Chi Chi, get the yeo!”

“Oh, ya, you betcha!”

———

“ya’ll say howdy to my little friend”

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…and while numerous people will be cut in two by gunfire/chainsaws, there will be no smoking. They’re looking to also work in a cute robot sidekick that kids will want for Christmas.

…who is tentatively named My Little Friend, unless the Apple deal pans, in which case we’re committed to iSomething. Also, no weapons will work until you unlock your iPhone and open the SmartGun app. Christ, this shit writes itself. I may be in the wrong business. Note to self: call agent, have him line up some meetings and book me a suite at the Chateau Marmont.

———-

In recent Hollywood tradition, it is an all female lead cast…

“According to a Buzz Bingo report, Hill has sworn 376 times across his filmography, while ‘The Wolf of Wall Street’ costar Leonardo DiCaprio is on 361, and third-placed Jackson is on 301. Hill and DiCaprio bumped Jackson primarily for ‘The Wolf of Wall Street,’ which Buzz Bingo named the most profane movie of all time with over 700 swears.”

All I have to say is that Samuel L better get off his motherfuckin’ ass, stop selling credit cards, and get back into crime films.

Kidding aside, Samuel L had a good run, but there’s no way he can finish as the all-time champ, even if he steps up his motherfuckin’ game. The man is 71 years old, so Hill and DiCaprio simply have more cussin’ time left on the clock. Leo is 45 and Jonah is only 36.

Lisa Glaser in Humanoids from the Deep (1980), which is my second-favorite bad movie after Road House. As I’ve pointed out many times, I love bad movies as long as the reason for their suckitude is not boredom. The eighties were a decade of outrageously entertaining bad movies.

Damn, I miss the eighties.

OK, the short clip above is shit quality, really not worth your time (although she is cute and has a nice figure), but somebody posted it on Reddit and I wanted to chat about the movie …

A little sleepy seaside burg is debating whether to add a new cannery. It doesn’t seem to make much sense because life is slow there, and the fishing is dying.

That sounds like a cue for a flashback.

Sinister forces turn out to be responsible for the disappearance of the salmon from local waters. The owners of the cannery company had been doing some DNA experiments on salmon and they accidentally released genetically altered salmon into the ocean. The altered salmon were eaten by predator fish, and that diet turned the predator fish into – you guessed it – Humanoids From The Deep. (Add echo chamber in your mind). For some reason there are no female humanoids from the deep, and these aquatic monsters have super-evolved brains and understand the need to propagate their species. Serendipitously, they are capable of impregnating human females. (Hey, that’s why they are called “humanoid.” In all fairness, they do appear to be approximately as human as Vic Morrow.) Unfortunately for the lonely monsters, human males do not surrender their mates easily, so the humanoids need to kill human males in order to mate with human females.

First they come upon a girl and her boyfriend camping on the beach. He is a ventriloquist. They maul the voice-throwing twerp, but the dummy’s eyes continue to follow the action even after the ventriloquist is dead! This apparently supernatural phenomenon is never explained. (Hey, it’s a Corman movie). The monsters proceed to rape the girl. Later, another girl’s boyfriend is feeling her up in the water, and the humanoids watch from an underwater vantage point which makes them really horny, so they kill yet another twerp, and rape yet another girl. Later, in the movie’s final scene, we see that very girl giving birth, and … well, I think you can probably figure it out.

Meanwhile, the elders of the town meet to plan their next move. Let’s see, they know that the monsters are dangerous to humanity, and they also know that the monsters’ preferred diet is salmon, so what should do they do next? What else? They decide to go ahead with the 93rd annual Salmon Festival! Actually, it wasn’t an easy choice. The resolution to “hold the salmon festival” won by a 5-4 vote over a competing bill to “put up a neon sign welcoming salmon-eating monsters.”

Oh, we humans are a foolish lot, at least when we take the form of movie characters.

The movie’s climax comes at the Salmon Festival itself, a carnival where humans and humanoids alike meet to share a few memories. The humanoids show that, while they are not smarter than average humans, they are quite a bit smarter than carny folk, and smell a lot better as well.

Dental care is about even.

Before tracking down the prized Salmon Queen, the monsters stop to ride some of the midway rides (I didn’t make that up. Hey, they are genetically advanced). Of course, while they enjoy the carousel, they take the extra time and trouble to slaughter the human males on the ride.

Then one monster stops for some cotton candy, for beneath his scales he is a man, and not by salmon alone does man live.

The easily-distracted humanoids then head over to the midway to play some carny games. One of them gets really hacked off that he can’t knock down the bowling pins and win an Eeyore to woo the Salmon Queen, especially since he has seen some other humanoids with Eeyores and even one with a Tigger! Then he really gets steamed when he realizes that those other monsters were audience plants who were allowed to win by the carny barkers in order to sucker in more players. Of course, when Mr. Humanoid discovers this, he rips the carny geek limb from limb and resumes chasing the Salmon Queen, intending to take her by force if he cannot woo her with presents. At one point a humanoid rips off the bra of the Salmon Queen while chasing her through the midway.

But, by jingo, we humans are not defenseless, you know. Our salmon queens can take care of themselves, thank you very much. This gal squares off and dukes it out with the big guy.

The human spirit endures.

So if you evil super-intelligent movie humanoids are out there reading this, listen up, buccos. You’ll never take us. If you think you can just come here and rape our women, Mr. Johnny Monster, you’ve got another think coming. We’ve got mighty tough Salmon Queens and Bruce Willis, and no movie monster or asteroid is any match for our spunky little race.

From the mailbox:

Hey, Scoop. Looooong time fan. I was in college from 97 to 2002 and somewhere around there I found the Fun House. Other Crap is one of the few websites I still check daily. Thanks so much for the great insight (and incredible baseball knowledge).

I know you’re a big Road House fan, and I run a movie/tv/pop culture podcast with two other gents. A couple times a year we do a musical pitch episode where each of us is assigned a movie and we are tasked with turning it into a musical. This round I was given Road House. I recorded 5 song “parodies” in the style of a Road House musical. We post our podcast (The New Way) on YouTube as well with just our cover art as the visual.

This is not a request to repost, but obviously if you want to that would be amazing. Mostly just wanted to share some laughs with you. I think it turned out pretty funny. My friend pitched a musical of Big Trouble in Little China with all parodies of Warren Zevon songs which is pretty great too. If you like Zevon.

Link is below.

Thanks again for all your amazing work over the years! Cheers!

Matt

Scoop’s notes:

To Matt: Thanks for the kind words. Funny stuff, but I thought Road House already was a musical. Strange coincidence: as soon as I read your e-mail, I thought that the lead song had to be “Pain Don’t Hurt,” and I laughed out loud when you got to the same place.

To others: The embed below goes directly to the Road House pitch, but there’s a lot of fun elsewhere. The Big Trouble pitch starts at 23:00.


Kim Cattrall, 1979

I don’t know of any earlier topless shots, but she did a rear nude scene in a 1975 film called Rosebud. (Below. She’s the brunette on the right. She was 18 at the time.)


image host

You may never have heard of this film, but it had a notable cast: Peter O’Toole, Richard Attenborough and Peter Lawford starred, and former NY mayor John Lindsay appeared in his only movie role. The five young naked actresses, who played kidnap victims, were not well known at the time, but at least two of them went on to lengthy careers. In addition to Cattrall, French screen legend Isabelle Huppert bared her buns on the deck of the yacht.

The trailer (below) is immensely entertaining if for no other reason than its utter incompetence. How could the Academy have passed up Mayor Lindsay for an Oscar nod?


Mickey Mantle once slipped a female reporter a cutesy greeting card during an interview — with the message “Wanna fuck?” written inside.

“As the evening wore on and Mantle kept drinking, he became tipsy and, at one point, nearly fell off his chair. Later, as we walked along Central Park South, he tripped on the curb at Sixth Avenue and — for one fleeting moment — oh, God — there was my hero, lying in the gutter.”

What Historical Figures Would Look Like Today

OK, it’s a dumb click-bait slideshow, but at least it’s interesting.

In other news, Caligula was actually either Frodo or Mark Zuckerberg. Here’s another example of Zuckerberg/Little Boots. Of course that’s unfair. You can’t compare Zuckerberg and Caligula. One of them was a cold, unsympathetic, nearly inhuman monster whose almost god-like power nearly destroyed western civilization. And the other was only a Roman emperor.

The Lost Cut is a recut version of Blade Runner created by splicing in other films that star Blade Runner cast members, plus more films starring those films’ co-stars, resulting in a masterfully edited cinematic rabbit hole where Rick Deckard is hunting down a cast of replicants including Gene Hackman (via The Conversation, one of Harrison Ford’s first films), Steve Martin (via The Jerk, which stars M. Emmet Walsh, who plays Deckard’s boss Bryant), and John Belushi (via The Blues Brothers, which features Ford’s Star Wars co-star Carrie Fisher).

The film follows Blade Runner’s broad story beats, but its narrative drifts wherever the added footage leads, like some kind of Burroughsian cut-up version of Ridley Scott’s film.

Anna Friel in The Look of Love (2013)

The Look of Love is a biopic of Paul Raymond, a British entrepreneur who turned various adult enterprises into a fortune large enough to get him labeled as Britain’s richest man. He started with strip clubs, moved up first to burlesque shows, then to naughty theatrical revues in the West End. He branched into publishing (Mayfair, Club International, Men Only), and systematically converted his cash flow into real estate holdings, which eventually got him the title of “The King of Soho” after he had acquired 60 of the 87 acres covered by that London district.

The Daily Mail covered the high points of his bio here.

The movie does present just about every detail mentioned in that article linked above, but all of that is just window dressing for the film’s dramatic heft, an in-depth portrayal of Raymond’s genuine love for, and over-indulgence of, his daughter Debbie, who gradually was pulled into his louche orbit of non-stop fun, sleaze and drugs. In the framing story, an elderly Raymond looks back on his life, wonders if he could have avoided all his parental mistakes by steering Debbie toward a more sensible path, one which would not have resulted in her death at 37 from a heroin OD. The old fellow seems a bit weak in the self-analysis department, because the film ends with him seeming to repeat all of the same mistakes with his oldest granddaughter. That conclusion emphasized a point made throughout the film, that Raymond, although basically a decent person, never learned from his mistakes, having lost the love of his life in the same way he lost his first wife, through a succession of misbegotten adventures with casual lovers, none of whom he cared to, or bothered to, hide from the women he loved and was living with.

The film’s treatment of the big-time world of sleaze is superficial and overly glossy. Raymond is pictured wandering through London without his usual retinue of bodyguards. No rivals get strong-armed, no public officials are pictured taking kick-backs, no feminists protest the objectification of women, and Raymond’s army of shifty attorneys is left in the background. Picturing all of that more accurately would have strengthened the film’s point that Raymond was reckless to draw Debbie into that world, and could have lent the film the gravitas it seemed to crave.

The film doesn’t really need to be weighty to be worthwhile, however, because it’s an easy one to watch, especially for male audiences, who should find it funny, sexy and nostalgic. The times and the styles are fun to remember; the screen is constantly filled with gorgeous eye candy; and Steve Coogan portrays Raymond as a charming fellow who’s quick with a quip.

“Last May, comedian/actor Amy Schumer and her husband Chris Fischer welcomed their first child to the world, a baby boy they named Gene Attell Fischer. Attell may seem like an unusual choice for a middle name, but it was a tribute to Amy’s very close friend and fellow comedian Dave Attell. Amy revealed that she and Chris officially changed Gene’s middle name to Dave.”