Category: WTF

In a democracy, the people get the government they deserve …

UncleScoopy

“44 percent (!!) of Republicans believe that Bill Gates is plotting to use a mass COVID-19 vaccination campaign as a pretext to implant microchips in billions of people and monitor their movements.”

This is incredibly dumb. There’s no need for a super-duper-top-secret-sci-fi implant to monitor your movements. Pretty much everyone has a cell phone.

So if a vaccination is developed, does this mean that all the people dumb enough to believe that idea will get the disease? This sounds like one of those rare cases where God and Darwin are in complete agreement.

The Kim Jong-un story just keeps getting stranger

UncleScoopy

Kim Jong-un “deliberately faked his own death to expose traitors” expert claims

He’s only faked his own death once? Small-timer. Hell, I once faked my own death to avoid going to a Celine Dion show.

What about the woman who was to be my date for that show? She still places flowers every year on my fake grave. Good thing she doesn’t read other Crap.

The White House Gift Shop is selling coronavirus commemorative coins

UncleScoopy

Get ’em while they last. The coin is currently on sale for only $100, regular price $125.

The coronavirus coin is the 11th in their “Historic Moments” collection. I want ’em all!

#7 is “GENIUS MAKES ITS OWN RULES with a Monograph ‘President Donald J. Trump: A Study in Genius'”

“#7 COIN, BE BOLD, FACE FEAR, THINK BIG, DONALD TRUMP, LIMITED EDITION – 1000 COINS, NUMBERED, CERTIFICATE, VELVET CASE, HISTORIC MOMENTS IN GLOBAL HISTORY COLLECTION, SYMBOLIZES THE GENIUS LEVEL THINKING & PROVEN SUCCESSES OF PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP.”

My favorite was COVID 2, The Wrath of Khan.

UncleScoopy

Although I can never remember whether it was Genghis or Kublai who created the disease in Soros’s secret underground testing lab.

I guess that’s why Preparation H is so good. They were able to test it on A through G.

Turkmenistan Has Banned Face Masks And Use Of The Word “Coronavirus”

UncleScoopy

“If you happen to utter the word “coronavirus” while waiting, say, for the bus in the white-marbled capital Ashgabat, there’s a good chance you’ll be arrested. Plainclothes police officers are also arresting people who wear face masks.”

The Turkmen government has been run since 2006 by “the flamboyant dentist-rapper strongman Gurbanguly Berdymukhamedov.”

Heckuva job, Gurby!

SIDEBAR: I’m pretty sure than I’ve never typed “dentist-rapper-strongman” before. That’s almost as rare as my position as “philosopher prince / masked luchador” (emeritus).

“God Is Spreading the Coronavirus in Synagogues as Punishment for Opposing Jesus”

UncleScoopy

“God is spreading it in your synagogues! You are under judgment because you oppose his son, Jesus Christ. That is why you have a plague in your synagogues. Repent and believe on the name of Jesus Christ, and the plague will stop.”

I’m so confused. The official Christian nutbag line last week was that the Jews created the virus in their secret Chinese labs. Now it turns out that God runs those secret Chinese labs.

“Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos … publicising a relief fund the public can donate to for his contract employees working during the Covid-19 pandemic.”

UncleScoopy

So. Let me see if I understand this.

He’s the world’s richest man.

The business that made him so rich paid no income taxes in 2018.

Because stores are closed, that business is busier than ever.

And he would like ME to donate to his workers.

I’m persuaded. Let me get my checkbook out. I have almost twelve dollars in my account.

Spicoli tells us how to control coronavirus – send in the marines!

UncleScoopy

CNN asks actor Sean Penn for military solutions to stop coronavirus

“So what Jefferson was saying was ‘Hey! You know, we left this England place because it was bogus. So if we don’t get some cool rules ourselves, pronto, we’ll just be bogus too.’ Also, there is no greater humanitarian force on the planet than the United States military.”

Here’s that super-awesome Google Coronavirus site that Trump promised us!

UncleScoopy

1700 Engineers at Work

I know Trump always overpromises, so I was expecting to be underwhelmed, but not THIS underwhelmed. I think I could have created approximately the same thing overnight, using info that was already available across the web. With just me and one whiz-kid youngster to modernize my code, I could have saved Google the cost of the other 1698 employees.

Here is the equally unimpressive site created by Google’s sister company, Verily, for screening in two California counties.

In addition to those two sites, there is another which is kinda-sorta related to Trump’s claim. Jared Kushner’s brother, Joshua, is co-founder of the health insurance start-up Oscar, which recently released an online tool to locate COVID-19 testing centers in some areas. At least in the past, Jared Kushner has had a financial interest in Oscar.

Wait! Tucker Carlson is the voice of reason?

UncleScoopy

According to other news sources, Tucker was also instrumental in getting the administration to start taking COVID-19 seriously. I am having a hard time dealing with this harsh new reality.

From the “Where there’s smoke” department: In 2012, the US senate voted 96-3 to ban insider trading by lawmakers using non-public information. Burr was one of the three who voted against it! (It passed the House 417-2.) Of the three senators who voted against the bill, Burr is the only one still in office. One of the Representatives who voted “NAY” is still in office, but will not seek re-election in 2020.

I’m starting to think this Burr fellow may not be on the up-and-up.

“… getting coronavirus is not a death sentence except for maybe no more than 3.4 percent of our population”

UncleScoopy

I brought this up from another thread:

“GOP Senator Upbeat! Coronavirus May Kill ‘No More Than 3.4 Percent of Our Population’”

Such a compassionate man.

Well, that’s a relief. It will only kill about twice as many people (11 million) as the Holocaust (6 million)! No big deal.

  • As the original commenter pointed out, 3.4% of our population would be about eight times as many people as have died in all America’s wars added together. 3.4% is more than ten million people. About 600,000 or 700,000 Americans died as a result of the Civil War, and about 400,000 Americans died in the WW2 struggle.
  • 3.4% is even more than the PERCENTAGE of Americans who died in the Civil War.
  • And those Civil War and WW2 casualties were spread out over some four years.

(The 1918 flu pandemic killed approximately as many Americans as the Civil War.)

Your next President …

UncleScoopy

Here’s his hypothesis:

Without an election, Trump and Pence’s terms would expire, as would every member of the House of Representatives. That means the president pro tempore of the Senate would become president. Because of the non-election, 35 members of the Senate would also be gone because of their expired terms. Of the 65 remaining members, there would be 36 Democrats and 29 Republicans, making octogenarian and die-hard Batman fan Patrick Leahy the president pro tempore (as he has been in the past), and therefore the new President of the United States.

(The Senate does not have to choose the longest-serving member of the majority party. That is just a custom.)

Devin Nunes has the answers we need!

UncleScoopy

The wit and wisdom of Devin Nunes – head for a restaurant or bar!

The director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, Anthony Fauci, said in several television interviews on Sunday that he was concerned about how many people were still frequenting bars and clubs. Fauci told CNN that he would like to “see a dramatic diminution of the personal interaction we see in restaurants and bars. Whatever it takes to do that, that is what I would like to see.”

There may be some explanation I have not thought of …

UncleScoopy

but this seems idiotic to me.

So, don’t use the internet. Instead handle a piece of paper and an envelope and a stamp, maybe licking things as needed, and send all that to us. Don’t forget to leave your home to get that mailed!

You KNOW it was only a matter of time before the evil hand of Soros was revealed

UncleScoopy

I dunno. Before I start determining the exact cause of COVID-19, I’m waiting for Mel Gibson to weigh in.

Poe’s Law is invoked once again. I thought I was being sarcastic with I wrote this, but irony is now impossible because we have gone through the looking class.

Let’s face it, Sheriff Clarke writes the best parody site on the internet – and he’s not trying to. Here’s more wisdom from the lawman:

Steven Mnuchin says Trump didn’t get ‘things wrong at all’ in his coronavirus address.

UncleScoopy

These guys lie when there’s no need to, and they can’t even make up believable lies.

Everything Trump said is on tape. Trump said, “These prohibitions will not only apply to the tremendous amount of trade and cargo but various other things as we get approval.” As he said that, stock futures were plummeting.

This was not a matter of people misinterpreting what he said. What he said was completely clear and people interpreted the meaning of his words correctly. The problem was that the cargo ban was never an accurate statement of his plan. There was no such plan, so the administration had to issue an immediate correction.

So what happened? What he said was not what was in his prepared speech. Trump is not a proficient reader. He simply fucked up and read the speech wrong. According to the Wall Street Journal, the draft of the speech said, the prohibitions “will not apply” to trade and cargo, rather than they “will not only apply.”

The crazy thing about this is that it’s a “who cares?” issue. Mnuchin could simply have told the truth and all would be soon forgotten. Because of the tweeted correction, we all knew that Trump must have misread the speech, so I would not be typing now if Mnuchin had told the truth, because it would not be news. Everyone makes mistakes. On the other hand, Mnuchin’s lie just causes us to focus on Trump’s mistake.

Furthermore, I think all of these guys need to re-read the story about the boy who cried “wolf.” If they just keep lying about everything, we’re not going to believe them when they decide to accurately convey something important.

“Добро пожаловать в Советский Союз”

UncleScoopy

So … I was at WalMart an hour ago and …

They were out of all frozen food from all freezers, except for a few frozen pizzas.

They were out of canned soup.

They were out of eggs.

They were out of all paper products. No toilet paper, no paper towels, no Kleenex. They keep all of that stuff on a very tall double-depth shelf with no backing, so you can access it from either side. That entire display aisle – ten feet high and more than 30 feet long with multiple double-depth shelves – was empty. A wag had hung a sign on the shelving: Добро пожаловать в Советский Союз (Welcome to the Soviet Union)