“When we were kids, and he asked if he could masturbate in front of me, sometimes I’d go, ‘F— yeah I want to see that!’ … It’s not analogous to the other women that are talking about what he did to them. He could offer me nothing. We were only just friends. So sometimes, yeah, I wanted to see it, it was amazing. Sometimes I would say, ‘F—ing no, gross,’ and we got pizza.”
Not the Onion. Not a figure of speech.
This stunt reminds me of Guy Caballero, the SCTV character with able legs who always used a wheelchair “for respect.”
I don’t have a great Guy Caballero clip, but here’s SCTV’s take on the 25th reunion show of Leave it to Beaver, with the late John Candy as the Beaver.
“People who voted for Donald Trump in the 2016 presidential election believe men are discriminated against more than LGBTQ people, women and most ethnic minorities.“
What a movie! Reggie Jackson, (fake) Queen Elizabeth, O.J. Simpson and Leslie Nielsen – together at last!
It’s gold, Jerry! Gold!
Some great local traditions that won’t cost you an arm and a leg.
First rule of Texas: you don’t watch Willie while drinking some wimpy thing like a Coors Light, unless you check you dick at the door.
A REAL Texan drinks Lone Star, and don’t let ’em catch you sipping it out of a glass or a freakin’ can. That shit is for chicks and foreign exchange students from places like Estonia and Michigan. It’s Lone Star in a long neck bottle for real men, bubba.
“Pesky, embarrassing bodily functions are simply no match for Febreze’s new ThunderClap Air Horn—just one deafening blast, and that’s all anyone will hear.”
Now THAT is other crap!
It’s The Onion!
More totally useless info:
You’ve undoubtedly heard that station call letters must begin with W east of the Mississippi and K to the West. While this is usually true when new stations are assigned call letters, it was not always that way.
Why do some areas have stations with both K and W prefixes? Three reasons: (1) they moved the border in 1923, so some areas between the Mississippi River and the extended Texas / New Mexico border have been in both the W area and the K area when new call letters were assigned; (2) there was one year in the 1920s when all new stations had to start with K, so it is theoretically possible to have a K station far east of the Mississippi if they were assigned their call letters in that brief period, including several such stations in Pennsylvania; (3) some stations applied for and received an exception, like WACO in Waco, Texas. Here are some exceptions to the Mississippi River rule.
While all broadcast call letters in the USA begin with K or W, they theoretically could begin with N or A as well. So far, the N and A have only been used for military broadcast stations.
New stations must have at least four letters in the call sign. No more “WGN,” for example. One commenter noted an exception: “If a radio or TV station is co-owned with another station with a three-letter callset, it can adopt those same calls. That’s how Baltimore got WJZ-FM in 2008, for example.”
Some call signs are as long as seven letters.
While almost all Canadian stations begin with C, there are some in Newfoundland that begin with V. (Those were assigned before Newfoundland/Labrador became a province in 1949.)
There’s no sense in arresting him because conviction is impossible. How are you going to assemble an jury of twelve people who don’t think Fred Durst should be dropkicked?
From the comment section:
“If I’m that DA, I bring charges even knowing I’d lose. Totally worth it to be the prosecutor in People v. Dope.”
Every Owen Wilson Wow In Chronological Order (1996 – 2017)
Every time Matthew McConaughey has said “Alright” in McChronological Order from Dazed and Confused to The Dark Tower.
Another great take from The Onion
This is the first I’ve heard of the Dominion of Melchizedek, but I did once have a lunch conversation with a guy who was trying to establish his own country with him as king. He was some kind of phony-baloney claimant to some non-existent European throne, and he reasoned that several (rogue) countries would support his recognition as a nation if he could purchase a remote island, since those countries could use his new nation to launder money and other unsavory activities. To make things even more disagreeable, he was essentially a neo-Nazi.
I somehow ended up at lunch with this dude, one of our company’s outside consultants, and the Libyan ambassador to the U.N. (Libya was one of the countries he was pitching his plot to.) I was traveling with the consultant on another matter, but he asked me if I would like to join him at this lunch. I soon realized I was in way over my head, and I barely made it through the lunch with my mouth shut, since the entire meal seemed to consist of an hour of anti-Semitism. The scariest thing to me was that they all spoke so freely in front of me, since I was a total stranger. Creepy experience.
Perhaps Camelot has not disappeared, after all!
Some wags noted on the internet that it’s not toilet paper on his shoe – he’s actually trampling on the Constitution. That can’t be right, because the original Constitution hasn’t been transportable for decades. It’s been too flimsy ever since Lyndon Johnson pissed on it
On a serious note, if I were running the Secret Service, I would not allow the President to get in such a vulnerable position without an agent directly behind him as a shield. (For his safety, not to pick up his napkins or to hide him from photographers.)
Somehow, I think they knew all along that the Hello Kitty Massager was going to find its way into various bodily orifices.
Unfortunately she can’t be Queen of all the Britons, as she is a Swedish girl and it is a Swedish lake.
“Winter penis is very much real, and you and your little pal must prepare yourselves. As the weather gets colder, those of you with a penis may notice shrinkage, decreased erections, and difficulty reaching orgasm. This isn’t due to your dick going into hibernation, but a physical reaction to the cold. ‘Men can expect their penis to shrivel by up to 50% in length and 20% to 30% in girth when the weather gets chilly.'”
I once dated a girl named Winter Penis. She pronounced it “pah-NEE.”
President Trump was considered by the British oddsmakers to be one of the favorites, probably because of this peace-loving declaration:
All kidding aside, Trump probably deserves a Nobel Peace Prize more than Obama deserved his. Obama had done absolutely nothing to earn one except to keep John McCain out of office, while Trump has made an effort to broker peace on the Korean peninsula, and he may yet succeed!
And, to be fair to DJT …
Who would not “bomb the shit out of” ISIS if they could? The problem is finding the pricks when they aren’t surrounded by human shields. But if I could find them in a camp in the desert somewhere, I’d bomb the shit out of ISIS, as well.
Of course I mean the rapin’, killin’ caliphate guys. I would never bomb Joanna Cameron.
“The goal was always to use what the existing literature offered to get some little bit of lunacy or depravity to be acceptable at the highest levels of intellectual respectability within the field.”
“… Sometimes we just thought a nutty or inhumane idea up and ran with it. What if we write a paper saying we should train men like we do dogs—to prevent rape culture? Hence came the ‘Dog Park’ paper. What if we write a paper claiming that when a guy privately masturbates while thinking about a woman (without her consent—in fact, without her ever finding out about it) that he’s committing sexual violence against her? That gave us the ‘Masturbation’ paper. ”
Long, related personal anecdote to follow …
“He’s vulnerable right now, and I’m afraid you’re opening him up to a relapse if he doesn’t get this gig on the Supreme Court.”
In short, Kanye was Kanye, or should I say he was Ye. He dressed as a giant Perrier bottle; later wore a MAGA hat. After the show he was even wilder, according to the article. Apparently he ranted freestyle about anything that came to his mind, including his love for President Trump.
Say what you want, but you can’t deny that Ye is a unique character who always engages the audience. People may not like him, but they notice him and talk about him. In that regard, he’s a lot like Trump himself.
At last, somebody who supports my restaurant! A professional economist! Never mind that this economist looks suspiciously like a Bond villain, I feel he’s truly wise and a great humanitarian, as am I.
At Scoopy’s Politically Incorrect restaurant, our most popular entree is a juicy manatee steak. Before you dig in to the main course, I recommend the spotted owl wings – Buffalo-style, of course.
And by that I mean that the sauce is made from real bison!
Unlike the Native Americans, we do NOT use every part of the buffalo. We use only the flanks to make our sauce, then dump the gigantic, stinking carcass out of town, near the interstate.
When I wrote about the prime directive, two people e-mailed me to ask about the other movie rules I used to write about. Thanks for asking. As a man who has probably seen more bad movies than anyone else in history, I don’t know the first thing about making good movies, but I think I can tell you everything you need to know to avoid making a really bad one:
The Prime Directive. If you are filming a movie that will get you an R rating for violence and language, load up on breasts. You can’t get an NC-17 just for breasts (Dancing at the Blue Iguana has breasts non-stop, wall-to-wall, and is rated R), so if you add breasts you will still get an R rating. As Johnny Cochrane might have said, “If the R is for V, the knockers are free.”
The Alma Mahler rule. If you are going to film a story about real people, that does not absolve you from the requirement to make the movie entertaining. Movies are movies, not history lessons. Alma Mahler was a fascinating woman, but that is no guarantee that your biopic will be as fascinating unless it has some good reason to exist on its own. You have to make it good enough so that people will like it even if they think the characters are fictional.
Sub-rule: You may as well make it entertaining, because we know it’s not going to be true. All movies based on true stories are full of lies and fabrications. There are many reasons for this. One is that we don’t want people to be the way they really were, but rather the way we want them to be, so documentaries and historical films are really about the filmmaker, not the subject. Another is that people are too complicated, and too much happens to them in a lifetime, to summarize in 100 minutes. If you have to make a historical movie, choose an interesting event in someone’s life, not the entire life.
Sub-rule 2: At least do some homework. There is no historical personage named Brandi of Equitaine, and if there were, she would not have dotted her “i’s”with little hearts.
The Ian Fleming rule. Your bad guys must kill the good guys immediately if (a) it is necessary to their evil plot, and (b) they have the opportunity. They must not tie them up to kill later or, worse yet, tie them up so they can tell them the plot.
The definition rule. The words “horror” and “comedy” have certain definitions. A horror movie is supposed to be scary, and a comedy is supposed to be funny. If you make an erotic thriller, it must be (at minimum) either erotic or thrilling. Preferably both.
The comedy heirarchy rule. As you look for your comedy model, the farther you go down the heirarchy, the less likely is the comedy to be funny. Model your comedy after the top of the heirarchy, not the bottom. The Allen heirarchy is: Early Woody, Steve, Late Woody, Fred, Tim, Marty, Krista. The Marx heirarchy of comedy is as follows: Groucho, Chico, Harpo, Karl, Gummo, Zeppo. I’ve never actually seen Gummo. I just assume he’d have to be funnier than Zeppo, since even Erasmus of Rotterdam and the prophet Jeremiah were funnier than Zeppo. Possibly he was funnier than Karl as well.
The Dudley Moore rule. Sometimes it’s just a generation thing, and can’t be explained. Make movies for your generation, rather than copying the past. Look, if you’re 25 years old, I can’t explain to you why anyone ever thought Dudley Moore was funny. Nobody knows. When you’re my age, let’s hear you explain Colin Quinn to your kids, wise guy.
The John Cleese Rule. There is no John Cleese rule.
The Kieslowski rule. Were you thinking of having them wake up and it was all a dream? Or maybe part of a mysterious double life that can’t be explained? Don’t even contemplate it unless you are a famous Polish auteur with a last name beginning with K.
The Interview with a Blade Runner rule. Thinking of making a vampire movie narrated in voice-over? That’s the first step toward a rewarding career in the fast food industry.
The Marquez rule. I know they give all kinds of important prizes to people who write Magical Realism. Now that I’ve admitted that, if you write a gritty John Steinbeck piece for an hour and a half, and then in the last ten minutes the hero escapes his life by sprouting wings and flying away from the cannery, or if the hero makes the evil slave-driving boss into a nice man by cooking him a meal salted with the workers’ tears, I’ll have to send your home address to Hannibal Lecter.
The Ben Affleck rule. Not everyone has to agree. For example, I think that Ben Affleck’s acting “sucks,” but others disagree. Some feel that he “blows,” others that he “bites,” and there are some radical thinkers who think that he “munches.” It’s OK to hold these other opinions. This freedom to disagree is the basis of democracy.
The body doubles rule. “Scale” actresses don’t get body doubles, because that costs double – scale for the actress, scale for the double – and that defeats the purpose of hiring a scale actress in the first place. Needless to say, instead of paying two scales, hire another scale actress willing to do the nudity. Believe me, there are thousands to choose from.
The “Captain Corelli” rule. A resurrection is an indication of a bad movie, whether it involves Jesus, zombies, or people presumed dead. There has never been a good movie with more than one resurrection.
The “Rules of Engagement” rule. Don’t give us those “whatever happened to them after the story” word captions before the closing credits unless they are necessary. How might they be necessary? (A) If it’s a comedy, and the fate of the characters is a good laugh. (B) If they are real people, and you can tell us what their lives were like before or after the story we just saw. But don’t give us more imaginary tidbits about imaginary people. If it’s worth including, include it. If it isn’t worth including, it isn’t worth mentioning either.
The “Lost World” rule. Creatures in movies which move faster than the creatures they pursue must catch them in the proper amount of time. People run about 20 feet per second. Cheetahs cover about 100 feet per second. Therefore, if a Cheetah is 20 feet behind you, it will catch you in a quarter of a second.
The “Frankenstein” rule. Creatures in movies which move slower than the creatures they pursue must lose them appropriately. You run about 20 feet per second. A guy lumbering along with his knees locked will cover about three feet per second. Therefore, if he chases you for five minutes, he will be a mile away, and you can safely stop at a pub for a pint and a smoke, because it takes him about half an hour to cover a mile.
The “Nightbreed” rule (aka the Prime Directive of Fantasy/Horror). A grotesque, heavily made-up creature, glimpsed fleetingly in the shadows, can be intensely frightening. A long close-up of the same creature will probably start to provoke giggles.
The MPD/amnesia rule. Don’t use multiple personality disorder or amnesia to explain otherwise inexplicable plot twists. Don’t have the murderer try to frame someone with multiple personality disorder or amnesia.
The obvious rule. A word to the dumb – I shouldn’t have had to mention this, but no EVIL TWINS or EVIL DWARVES, and especially no cases where the twin we think is the good one is really the evil one.
The instant genius rule. Children who begin a movie presumed to be mute or retarded should not end the movie chattier than Katie Couric and smarter than Steven Hawking. If they do have some kind of realistic breakthrough, they should not die tragically immediately afterward.
The Gilbert Roland rule. It is not possible to make a good movie where the good guy is deep diving and the bad guy is operating the air line.
The Chabrol rule. It is not possible to make a good movie where the good guy has to drive a car down a winding mountain road, and the bad guy is his brake-and-steering mechanic.
The McCloud rule. No renegade cops. Let me guess what’s in your script. He’s a good cop, but he doesn’t always play by the rules, he doesn’t stay within his budget, and he doesn’t like to fill out his paperwork. Sometimes his lieutenant has to chew him out for going too far over the line, breaking too many rules, and destroying too much property to bring in that mass murderer, but then the boss winks and says, “Good work, McCloud”
The catch-all rule. Scoopy will add, subtract or modify rules whenever the hell he pleases. There may even be a John Cleese rule someday, although I doubt it. There is a greater chance that I will write a script where the vampire wakes up and it was all a dream induced by a serum prepared by his evil twin, who is currently a renegade cop.