Trevor Noah’s theme was that Trump’s speech was exactly identical to his 2016 speeches

Colbert noted the same thing, but his most hilarious take was when he made fun of Trump’s brags about crowd size. (Contrary to what you might have heard, there was zero overflow, there were empty seats inside, and Colbert’s staffers were able to buy tickets at the last minute after their press credentials were denied.)

Not possible. Only a complete idiot would think that a President could use a war with Iran to get re-elected.

Kidding aside, Trump does not seem to want this war, but I don’t like the way things are going. Iran just shot down one of our naval drones, then followed that with some belligerent declarations.

“Finally, the long-anticipated Trump Middle East Peace Plan is taking shape. Under terms of the proposal, President Trump agrees that Israel gets whatever it wants. In exchange, Israel agrees to name a village after Trump.”

Well, not exactly …

“But it quickly emerged that the Israeli government had approved no such plan, had dedicated no funds to it and had established no specific location. The cabinet resolution says the place will be called Trump Heights ‘if it is founded.‘”

In the meantime, there is still this:

I hope to be taking my next vacation at “The Donald,” as we veteran campers call it. Here’s a sample of the deluxe facilities:

“Nails” said “he searched a dumpster in a Linden shopping plaza for 9 hours over the weekend after his dentures were mistakenly thrown away. Dykstra said he and a friend – a tag-team wrestler who goes by Sprinkles the Clown – dug through the dumpster behind Jersey Mike’s.”

Luckily for him, he did eventually find the teeth, and also scored three uneaten slices of pizza and a slightly used comb.

Easy choice.

Step 1: Fuck Kendall.

Step 2: Marry Kylie, who is incredibly rich, with no pre-nup.

Step 3: Send the addresses of all the others to Hannibal Lecter.

Step 4: After the wedding ceremony, send Kylie’s address to Lecter. You can keep fucking Kendall while you wait to clear probate.

Step 5: Now that you’re nearly a billionaire, you can pretty much fuck as many supermodels as you like, so you can gradually move Kendall down the priority list. Plus, I assume she might be upset when she discovers you had her entire family killed.

It’s been a tough stretch for the Prince of Darkness. At one time he was willing to challenge God himself, leading a rebellion of fallen angels in a battle for control of existence. And now? Plant-based burgers.

When that fails, he already has his next plan on the docket. His laboratories are busy, removing the gluten from everything. Yes, Satan is against gluten, that precious protein that God himself placed in our wheat.

Hickenlooper mania is on the march!

I’m already working on my Hickenlooper costume for Halloween.

The match-ups were determined by the luck of the draw:

Booker, Pocahontas, Beto and Klobuchar will go on Wednesday. Like any good sporting season, the ceremony will begin with the National Anthem and Klobuchar throwing out the first binder.

The second night will feature Hickenlooper …

… and some lesser, almost insignificant figures like Biden, Sanders, Harris and Mayor Pete. (Have you guessed that I can’t spell his last name? I know it begins with “Butt.”)

This night will also include a ringer, which could be a lot of fun. Do you recall the episode of Veep when Jonah only qualified for the second tier of candidates and therefore had to debate against Dumbledore? Well, Biden and Sanders will have to contend with their own Dumbledore – new age guru Marianne Williamson, who somehow made the cut into the final 20, even though the governor of Montana (a Democrat who won a red state) was eliminated. She will present a fascinating and possibly strange contrast to the mainstream pols.

I do miss having a president who spoke English as a native language.

So don’t put on any long-playing records.

Seriously, this link offers a perfect example of a lurid, irresponsible headline. (Clickbait? I guess I fell into their trap.)

Here’s the actual story beneath it:

“According to current modeling, it’s likely that 2006 QV89, which is on the risk list but not the priority list, will pass Earth at a distance of more than 4.2 million miles. The ESA does note that the likelihood of its model being off is less than one-hundredth of one percent.”

Ohio: “Not much to see. Not much to do.”

Oh, this is all in fun. There’s no need for outrage.

But …

Having spent a lot of time in both Ohio and Indiana, I’d have to say they might have things reversed. Your best chance to have fun in Indiana is to sneak across the border to Cincinnati or Louisville. Indiana has a lakefront on the Great Lakes, and they even fucked that up. Gary may be the ugliest place in the United States, and even gives come competition to the hell-holes of the third world.

Members of the military deployed near the U.S.-Mexico border have been assigned to spend a month painting a mile-long stretch of barriers to improve their “aesthetic appearance.”

Yeah, I got it. They’re going to pull a Road Runner. They’ll paint fake tunnels on the Mexican side of the wall. After all, that’s how you deal with coyotes!