Now THAT is good scouting. Beats the shit out of “capture the flag.”

I noticed that the security lines at O’Hare include an “amnesty box” for cannabis. In theory, one may drop off any pot carried through security, to prevent it from being sniffed by dogs in another country or state without legalized dope. OK, the idea is fine. It’s a good idea to avoid foreign prisons. I’ve seen “Midnight Express.” I get it. My only question is this: what happens to all the dope left in those boxes? Maybe it works like that episode of Seinfeld where they call in Newman to consume the excess muffins, except they call in Seth Rogan. (Or Snoop, or Willie Nelson, or Bill Maher. They probably have to keep all those guys on speed dial.)

The main rat, Punxsutawney Phil, did not, which means an early spring, or a late spring, or maybe Ragnarok. I know it’s one of those, but I always forget which one. I suppose our Wisconsin rodents did see their shadows, since we had a beautiful sunny day and 50 degrees. Therefore our spring will be the opposite of whatever Pennsylvania is having.

And thanks also go to Miami of Ohio for hosting the Super Bowl, and to the great state of Washington for hosting the White House!

Some liberal fools thought that our great leader had made an error, but he was quick to shut them down with this press conference.

God bless our President for making me richer today. I won my prop bet on “Which state will the President congratulate if Kansas City wins?” Unfortunately, I didn’t win that much because Kansas was a heavy favorite.

I wish I was joking. I’m not.

The president’s lawyer Alan Dershowitz argued that any action to aid re-election could be considered in the nation’s interest and therefore cannot be impeachable.

In essence, per Dershowitz, the President could start a war under false pretenses to improve his election chances, solicit foreign interference in an election, have his opponent falsely arrested and imprisoned or even cancel the election – and it would not warrant removal from office.

Hey, we had to do it.

Those damn wieners were taking a big cut out of the brat trade.

America’s top diplomat tries out a new form of diplomacy.

This reminds me of when the polite, predictable mainstream comedy of the 50s and early 60s first acquired an edge, then gradually morphed into insult comedy. Now it’s time for polite, predictable mainstream diplomacy to follow that path to insult diplomacy.

Actually, Pompeo seems to be floating a novel new defense of Trump: nobody cares if he fucks Ukraine over, which is basically accurate within Trump’s low-info base.

Continue reading “America’s Secretary of State: “Do you think Americans care about fucking Ukraine?””

Many people argue that Canada is already vanilla enough, but in a more literal sense, they can now control most of the world’s vanilla supply, given that vanilla flavoring can be extracted from beavers’ assholes.

Beavers’ assholes have some worth, but there is still no known value for assholes’ beavers, which is tough news for Ann Coulter.

Needless to say, Dersh has now determined that this logic only applied to Democrats in the office.

By the way, the attorney general also wrote that presidents who misuse their authority are subject to impeachment.

I agree with this assertion. It’s right there in MLK’s speeches.

“I have a dream that some day a man will be judged not by the color of his skin, but by his Republican party affiliation. Of course when that day comes, that party may still be judging a man by the color of his skin. I’m not sure. My dreams are not really that specific. Mostly when I dream, I’m just falling from great heights.”

Related story:

Kellyanne Conway Suggests Martin Luther King Jr. Would Have Traveled To Ukraine For Dirt On Biden

The headline: “Dinner honors president shithole”

Hey, I read that article. I thought it was about Trump.

“Facebook Inc said on Saturday it was working to find out how Chinese leader Xi Jinping’s name appeared as ‘Mr Shithole’ in posts on its platform when translated into English from Burmese.”

NOTE to self: When enjoying Burmese cuisine, do not order the Jinping. Better avoid the Xi as well, just in case.