“They were very proud to cast a Latina actress as Snow White. But you’re still telling the story of ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.’ Take a step back and look at what you’re doing there. It makes no sense to me. You’re progressive in one way but then you’re still making that fucking backwards story about seven dwarfs living in a cave together.”
So said Dinklage on Marc Maron’s podcast from Dinklage’s home, which ironically is a cave he shares with a coked-out Colombian chick and six other guys his size.
“We are taking a different approach with these seven characters and have been consulting with members of the dwarfism community.”
The dwarfism community? I had no idea dwarfism was an adjective. Anyway, I suppose a dwarfism community typically consists of seven members.
More details have come out about those different, highly sophisticated approaches promised by Disney:
1. The little fellows will now all be brothers, which explains why they live together, and they will be accorded a last name in an effort to lend them more dignity than just calling them “Sneezy” or “Dopey.” Their last name will be Klein, a distinguished German name.
2. And their first names will be Smarmy, Silly, Slimy, Sleazy, Sneaky, Tipsy and oddly enough, Kevin.
3. They will all by played by average-sized actors, and Snow White will be played by a 6’11” Latina.
4. In a brilliant piece of casting, the part of Kevin Klein will be played by Kevin Kline. The other casting hasn’t been finalized, but they want Hugh Grant for Smarmy Klein. Like all other American filmmakers, the producers are required by law to cast J.K. Simmons, probably as Sneaky Klein.
5. They are no longer miners. Now they spend the live-long day cobbling shoes as they sing merry tunes. They receive no pay except the joy that any of us can receive from providing taller people with comfortable footware. Given that the story takes place in Vietnam, I assume they work for Nike.
6. They don’t live in a cave, dammit. That would be a demeaning cliche. They live in a gingerbread house.