Category: Nonsense

The President embraces AI!

Scoop,

He often links to AI crap that pictures him as a superhero or a tough guy, but he is now doing the alterations personally. (Well, probably through Natalie Harp or some other third party.)

Here’s what he posted:

after

Here is the actual picture:

before

Interestingly, he also changed the logo on his golf shirt.

Other people have been speculating lately about how his white hair has suddenly reverted back to blonde. I view it as an early Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day Miracle. Unlike other miracle-based holidays like Christmas, Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day is always lurking inside us, ready to create a miracle. It is a moveable feast.

Hemingway once wrote, “If you are lucky enough to have lived in Paris as a young man, then wherever you go for the rest of your life, it stays with you, for Paris is a moveable feast.” The same is true of Giant Pink Japanese Penis Day, for no matter where we roam, there is always a giant pink Japanese penis inside all of us.

If you bet on Patel, you lost

Scoop,

Most people thought that Patel would be the next major administration figure out the door. I don’t think the markets were counting on Gabbard leaving for a completely legitimate personal reason. Patel is still considered the most likely to be gone by year’s end.

Some news reports say that her stated reason is a pretext, that she wanted out because of her opposition to the Iran attacks, and that Trump wanted her gone for the same reason.

A weird thing from IMDB …

Scoop,

There is a 2010 film called Dark Shields which virtually nobody has seen (no votes at IMDb, no external reviews).

But what caught my eye was the cast of characters. Check out the last name on the list.


image host

From the comments:

This begs a question, probably not the first time it’s been asked, where did “Uncle Scoopy” come from? My guess, you once owned a Baskin Robbins?

It’s Scoop, as in a news exclusive, not as in an ice cream shape.

Just before my internet days, I was wondering around the world doing marketing analysis for various oil companies. In my reports back to the office, my serious analyses and observations were always accompanied by the reports of a fictional reporter that I created, a certain N. Robert “Scoop” Parking who supposedly traveled with me, and told of his foreign experiences through his own eyes, those of an ignorant good ol’ boy from Texas. His first name was actually No. His momma named him No Parking so he would always have a sign designating his parking space, like a big shot. Of course he was from Texas, where a double first name is required by law, so No Robert Parking became “No Bob.” When he decided he was a famous travel correspondent, ala Charles Kuralt, he needed a more distinguished name than No Bob. After all, nobody called the other guy Chuckie Kuralt. So our boy became N. Robert Parking. He added “Scoop” because he was a reporter, and that sounded like a big-time reporter name, like in his dad’s old comics. (Scoop Scanlon worked as an investigative reporter for a newspaper called the Bulletin in DC comics during the late 1930s and early 1940s.)

So that’s how N. Robert Parking became “Scoop.” Because I played first base in my softball leagues, the name seemed appropriate for Greg as well, and it stuck.

When I started my first web page, I basically lifted the name of the Fun House as a play on, and tribute to, a TV special called “Uncle Andy’s Funhouse” (Andy Kaufman), the obvious direct inspiration for Uncle Scoopy’s Fun House. That was the first time that “Scoop” had undergone the metamorphosis to “Scoopy,” and it happened only because it fit the meter in place of “Andy.”

In the first year or so, the Fun House was written by Scoop Parking in his character voice, but people have a difficult time with that kind of parody. They think that the things said ironically, in the words of a character you’re making fun of, are what you truly believe. Even Stephen Colbert had a problem with this on his old show, when he would get inundated with mail and comments from people who really believed he was an ignorant, right-wing bigot. And I don’t have the fame or subtlety of Stephen Colbert, so I just decided to drop the character voice and write as me. The old persona was soon forgotten, and I’m guessing that nobody reading these words even remembers those days, but the moniker endured.

The Scoop, like the Dude, abides.

R.I.P. Claudine Longet

Scoop,

She was most famous for having “accidentally” shot her boyfriend, Olympic skier Spider Sabich. She probably killed him in anger, but she got lucky at the trial. The prosecution bungled evidence that would have established that she was high on cocaine, and police mishandled her diary, which contradicted her claim that she and Sabich were happy together.

Even without that evidence, her jury should have convicted her of reckless manslaugher, but her jurors were not much smarter than OJ’s. Longet claimed the gun accidentally discharged as Sabich was showing her how it worked, but forensics showed that the gun was four to six feet away from him when it was fired. Moreover, they were in the bathroom, an unlikely venue for a gun safety lesson. The jury did find her guilty of negligent homicide, and she got the official celebrity jail term – 30 days, to be served on weekends when she was available!

According to SNL, she then organized her own professional skiing tournament, so she could shoot more top skiers. Accidentally, of course.

For you younger readers, SNL used to be edgy.

Long, long ago.

That ended when Michael O’Donoghue left after season three. Lorne did hire Mister Mike back a couple of times, but it was never the same. (Although props go to Will Ferrell for the 1998 Neil Diamond sketch, which was very much like an O’Donoghue concept.)

Her obit

(She did no nudity that I know of)

Joke of the day:

Scoop,

Bill Maher on last night’s show, discussing Sean Hannity’s interview of Trump.

I don’t wanna say that Hannity lobs a lot of softballs, but today he was made an honorary lesbian.

Just for fun, a short excerpt from my novel.

Scoop,

Some of you know that I had a weird near-brush with a President of the United States. I never met the man, but in the calendar year of 1966, both Donald Trump and I were students at Fordham University. Some of my friends and acquaintances were in classes with him, or had played some sandlot sports with him, so he entered my world, but as nothing more than a drive-by mention.

The excerpt:

“The person who best symbolized my animal house years at Fordham was Fat Joe. When I was a junior, he had already graduated, but he still came by the dorms every night to drink with us, to chew the fat, and to play cards. The following year brought more of the same, presumably because he had neither friends nor options. Silly Lenny, who was my friend and Fat Joe’s former roommate, explained that Joe had not always been fat. He had been a svelte and athletic 160 pounds as a freshman, but had gained close to a hundred pounds by the time I knew him. We asked Fat Joe how he could have gained so much weight, and he attributed it all to constipation. By his own admission, therefore, he was totally full of shit. He was completely correct in that assessment.

Fat Joe used to brag to us in crudest terms about his love life, portraying escapades that would make Casanova seem like a monk.

“I know right away when a woman wants it, Wolf, I can smell it.”

We found his claims highly unlikely for two reasons.

* First, because he spent seven nights a week playing poker with us;

* Second, because he was Fat Fucking Joe.

Shortly before graduation, our conclave of animals convened to vote for the “douchebag of the year,” as we had every year. For the seniors among us, this marked our final chance to participate in this solemn and time-honored ritual, so we felt as if we were fulfilling our sacred duty to memorialize not merely that year’s biggest douche, but the biggest douche we had known in our time as comrades. Each voter had to list ten names in ranked order. The Pecker, who had arrogated to himself absolute authority as our election official, was forced to tear up Rudy Cassoutie’s ballot because Fat Joe’s name was not to be found anywhere among the ten nominees. Rudy was our chum, but he obviously had to be disqualified, given that Joe was not just a big, fat, fucking douchebag, but was the biggest, fattest, fuckingest, douchebaggiest guy in the history of Fordham University.

And that was no small achievement, given that Joe was in the same Fordham class as Donald J. Trump. ”

In the unlikely event that you enjoy this kind of crap, you can buy the book here. Fair warning. You probably expect it to be funny, and some of it is, but you probably also expect it to take nothing seriously, and in that respect you will be disappointed. It is funny and sad, as if written by Nabokov without the talent.

To be fair, I should note that Trump was not a fat guy at the time. The obesity came later. He played a varsity sport (squash!), was known even then as a solid golfer, and was said to be a total stud at many intramural sports. One classmate recalled a story of Trump punting a football 50 yards while wearing his street shoes.

10 Of The Strangest Things Tourists Have Been Advised When Visiting America

Scoop,

I don’t think some of these things are strange at all. A few are good advice.

The Austrians in particular are pretty casual about non-sexual, incidental nudity, and I had to give my Austrian visitors some of the same tips that this link considers strange. I learned this after I had visitors from Austria who changed into their bathing suits in a public park in Texas. They did not try to go swimming naked, nor did they walk around naked, they simply took off all their clothing and put on their bathing suits in full public view. This was meaningless to them, but rather more meaningful to the nearby Texans.

There are nude beaches along the Danube. I never considered that a big deal when I lived in Vienna, and got used to seeing the naked bodies from the road, but I never got used to seeing the naked bodies ON the road. The bathers would wear their street clothing for the drive to and from the beach, park on the streets, take off their clothes while next to their cars, then lock all their clothing and valuables in their autos. This meant they were naked on the side of the street, then naked on the walk to and from the car. I always found it weird to see naked people just wandering on public streets.

And they have no prohibition against taking a pee against a tree in a wooded, public area.

Everything I described is reasonable in any sensible world, which shows you why those “strange” warnings are necessary when Austrians (and others) expect the USA to be part of the common-sense universe.

National gas price comparison

Scoop,

Toward the end of February, the nation’s average gas price per gallon was lower than the comparable period in any of the past three years. In just a short time, it went crazy, and is now higher than the past three years and running close to a dollar more than last year.

In March, the benchmark on West Texas Intermediate went from $67.05 to $99.53, an increase of almost 50% in one month.

Gee, something must have happened. I wonder what.

Bill Maher had a good line line on this topic. He said, “Nobody can afford gas. Gas prices are so high that Tiger Woods had to crash his bicycle.”