Category: Nonsense

“5 Weird Celebrity Myths Too Many People Still Believe”

UncleScoopy

The Cracked headline is right. I usually feel confident that I know the difference between reality and urban myth, but I actually did think that Mama Cass choked on some food.

As it turns out, “Elliot’s sandwich was sitting on the table next to her, untouched, according to the police investigation.”

“In reality, the coroner’s report showed that she died of a heart attack due to a ‘fatty myocardial degeneration due to obesity.’ So her death ultimately was due to her weight, but somehow the world’s comedians decided there wasn’t quite enough of a fat joke in that.”

‘Sir, You Stated You Wanted To Modernize The Grinch For Today’s Audience,’ Says New CNN Entertainment Reporter Jim Acosta

UncleScoopy

“Let me finish. Let me finish. Answer me: Did you or did you not try to put a new spin on the classic Christmas tale? The nation needs answers.”

“At press time, Universal Pictures had banned Acosta from doing any press interviews for their film.”

Man Who Writes Bigfoot Erotica Now a U.S. Congressman

UncleScoopy

“Republican Denver Riggleman — a man who once wrote a book titled Mating Habits of Bigfoot and Why Women Want Him — just beat out Democratic challenger Leslie Cockburn (Olivia Wilde’s mom) for the U.S. House of Representatives in Virginia’s Fifth Congressional District seat.”

I haven’t read Mr. Riggleman’s book and, Lord willing, I never will, but my impression is that there’s no erotica involved. He has written about the psychology of Bigfoot believers, and the title is meant to put a light-hearted spin on it.

Nebraska now has an honest tourism slogan

UncleScoopy

“Honestly, it’s not for everyone.”

This is probably the best state slogan since Arkansas had “Home of the firm, calloused handshake.”

Although I like Oklahoma’s “Don’t ask. We don’t know what a sooner is either.”

Or Wyoming’s “Plenty of free parking.”

Or maybe New Jersey’s “No slogan. You gotta problem wit dat?”

“MCCAYSVILLE DRUG & GUN”

UncleScoopy

“Prescriptions – Guns – Ammo”

Providing the tri-state area with quality pharmacy services and firepower!

This place is almost heaven. If they also operated a brothel, they would meet all of life’s needs.

Homer Simpson once claimed that beer was the solution to all of life’s problems, as well as the cause, but I’m thinking McCaysville Drug & Gun may have an even stronger claim to both parts of that equation. You can get wasted, then get a gun to commit a violent crime. And when you return, you can take advantage of old man McCay’s friendly refund policy, and turn the murder weapon back in for full store credit! That means you can get bandages and pain-killers to treat the wounds you suffered in the police shoot-out.

And best of all, most insurance plans are accepted, so you can start getting those drugs for free, or close to it, as soon as you meet your deductible!

Yessssssssssssss! The 2019 “Goats in Trees” calendar is here

UncleScoopy

Screw all those pictures of sexy women and beautiful landscapes. Here is the right way to usher in 2019.

The publisher claims, “BrownTrout’s keen eye for contemporary design and trends makes us the preferred supplier in this product category.” I’m guessing they are not only the preferred supplier, but probably the only supplier, of Goats-in-Trees calendars.

NH State Rep. Denies Starring In The Adult Film He’s Obviously In

UncleScoopy

He’s in it, and yet he isn’t. It’s another early Festivus miracle!

“Despite Video Evidence, New Hampshire State Rep Frank Sapareto Denies Starring Role In Porn Project”

It’s not just the video evidence. There is also a string of e-mails from and to Sapareto discussing the project.

His rebuttal? He’s been kavanaughed! “You saw what happened to Kavanaugh? Now it’s happening to me!”