When your yacht is so big that the only place you can moor it is in a spot reserved for jumbo container ships.
(This was necessitated by Bezos’s much-discussed move to Miami.)
Category: Nonsense
Take me now, Lord. My bucket list is complete.
Oh, just a sec, God. Wait until I actually get the pheasant.
For no special reason other than to take it out of the comment section, here are the opening pages of “Trouble On My Agenda,” the final chapter of the long-forgotten 1930’s noir trilogy about the hard-boiled detective team of Rocky Fist and Big Dick Agenda. It completes the story established in the first two Fist-Agenda mysteries, “Forbidden Agenda” and “A Fistful of Knuckles.”
Chapter OneNot Looking For Trouble.
It was a cold night in a cold town. I was weary from the day and ready for a drink. I poured one, then another, and through a haze of cheap hooch, my glance turned to the name on the door. It still said “Agenda and Fist.” I smiled to myself, remembering that Rocky Fist’s real name was Chad Pfister. That doesn’t matter now because he’s taking a dirt nap, thanks to some two-bit mug unloading a roscoe in his direction. There’s no more Pfister, no more Fist. The agency is just me, Dick Agenda.
I was alone in the office, as I always am now, when she walked in. The light isn’t good by the doorway, so I couldn’t see her face, but I could make out her shape, even in the dim light, and I got a whiff of her from clear across the room. She meant to show me she was a classy skirt.
“Mr. Fist, I need your help.”
“Fist can’t help you. He’s … retired. I’m Agenda, Dick Agenda.”
“I need help, Mr. Agenda. If you can do the job, I don’t care about your name.”
“That’s good, because I was thinking of changing it. What do you think of the name Sherlock?”
“Are you going to help me, or are you going to pretend to be witty?”
“Depends on what you need. If it’s too messy, I’ll go with the wisecracks.”
“My name is Hortense Troublé, and I think my father is trying to kill me. Is that too messy for you, Mr. Agenda?”
In my line of work I don’t meet a lot of dolls named Hortense. There are mostly a bunch of broads named after flowers and months, and maybe a Trixie or two. Hortense – I don’t know. But trouble – that I know when I see it. She may have pronounced it “Troo-BLAY,” like a fancy dame, but I knew she was just plain Trouble.
I don’t know the answer, but I do know that weed has been legal there for a long time.
If I remember my religious instruction, Sint Pannekoek is one of the very holiest of all the imaginary Dutch saints. Also one of the holeyest, probably in second place after Sint Stroopwafel.
Example:
COW ABDUCTION ACTION SET (with photo)
“If your kid doesn’t know about the dangers of cows being abducted by aliens then you are basically a failure as a parent. As parents, we of course want our children to have fun. But we also want to educate them, so that they can be aware of the problems they will have to confront when they go out into the real world, such as cows being abducted by aliens.”
Captain Amnerica throws his mighty shield. Florida Man throws his mighty Oreos.
Unfortunately, the humorless Florida authorities arrested him for assault with Oreos. (I didn’t make that up, except that the crime was domestic battery rather than assault.)
They have really specific laws in Florida. If he had used Hydrox, he would have been free to go.
Microplastic particles from numerous sources are ingested and absorbed into the bloodstream and can cause metabolic disorders such as diabetes. They can also disrupt immune responses and damage the nervous system as well as reproductive and developmental systems.
“Snoop Dogg isn’t quitting weed after all”
Rapper Snoop Dogg revealed that he hasn’t given up smoking weed — he’s just collaborating with a smokeless fire pit and this was his viral marketing ploy.
Most obvious, yet somehow still tentative, conclusion o’ the day:
“Swift and Travis Kelce’s relationship may have played a role in the uptick of the Kansas City Chiefs tight end’s surname being adopted by dog owners.”
MAY have? Just as November may have followed October?
Snoop Dogg, the king stoner, is giving up weed.
One commenter noted that Willie Nelson gave up the ganja earlier this year, and I think Woody Harrelson also gave it up some years ago, so I guess Seth Rogan gets the top spot on the celebrity stoner leaderboard.
Unless …
Do Cheech and Chong still get high?
That’s a normal sized coin Canadians are just really small https://t.co/M7Lph0Zhdj
— WISE WIZARD (@IAmARealMage) November 15, 2023
Despite the size of the new coin, Canadians still find it more convenient than the old method, which was to pay with pelts.
The worst part of the pelt system was making change. The Toronto subway used to cost two beavers, and I used to hand them a sable and enjoy their confusion.
I do the same sort of thing with pirates. When their inns sell grog for a piece of eight, I love to slip them two pieces of seven and watch the fun.
OK, that’s funny enough on its own, but the best part of the story is this:
“Despite using a car in the race, she collected a trophy for finishing third.”
Two points:
1. So two other entrants out-ran her car? Was she driving a Corvair?
2. They still gave her the trophy?
Maybe not in those exact words.
We do have a video tape of their actual statement:
OK, I’m fuckin’ witcha. Here’s the actual story
The eccentric method actor is in training for his role in the new King Kong film.
He does not play King Kong or even his heir, Prince Kong, but the prince’s younger brother, Harry Kong, who shocks the entire royal gorilla family by marrying outside his species. His bride, a chimpanzee, had once starred in a TV series, “Fruits,” which focused on the chimp diet.
Jared Leto Climbs the Empire State Building: ‘It Was a Lot Harder Than I Thought It Would Be’ https://t.co/sQLMNvOpdd
— People (@people) November 9, 2023
I’ve been in at least 50 countries, mostly for business, and I have said before that I found Denmark to be the friendliest place I’ve ever visited, with Ireland second.
Those two nations are both among the drunkest on the list, so maybe the drinking explains it.
Or it could be the red hair that’s so common in both places.
Nah, it’s the booze.
Maybe a nipple, maybe not.
The lawman Bass Reeves was a real person, kind of a real-life version of Django – a slave who became one of the best lawmen in the West. By the way, Bass Reeves had a brother named Tenor Reeves, who was even deadlier with his shootin’ iron, but failed to inspire any Old West legends because his would-be biographers couldn’t stop laughing at his squeaky voice.
Bass Reeves remains to this day one of the greatest humans named after a fish, joining:
Zebulon Pike
Salman Rushdie
Catfish Hunter
Mike Trout
Ed Muskie
Sid Bream
Marlin Perkins
Marlon Brando
Laura Harring
Gar Heard
The Cisco Kid
Mike Carp
Dore Schary
Jackson Pollock
David Soul
Aldo Ray
I disqualified “Other” Crappie Henderson because he apparently only exists in my imagination.
I should have but did not did not disqualify The Cisco Kid because one of my favorite TV shows called him “O. Henry’s Legendary Robin Hood of the Old West.” Here’s the real story. O. Henry created the character, but the original Kid was not any kind of good guy, or even an anti-hero. He was a low-down, ornery skunk, a desperado who killed people for fun. As the law closed in on The Kid, ol’ Cisco used a confederate to get a message to the lawman following him, saying that The Kid had kidnapped the lawman’s girlfriend, and had switched clothing with her in order to sneak away. When the lawman high-tailed it to the girlfriend’s house, he saw two figures in the moonlight, and shot the one in women’s clothing. Given that this is an O. Henry story, you can probably guess the ol’ switcheroo. The figure in men’s clothing promptly rode away, and the lawman then realized that The Kid had tricked him into killing his own girlfriend.
Pretty dark.
Somehow, this vile character later became a hero in movies, comics and TV shows.