“How do we do it? How do we manage, year after year, to assemble a collection of gift items of such consistently low quality? The answer, in one word, is ‘lack of integrity.’ Every year we spend literally several minutes going through the gift suggestions that have been sent to us by members of the public who have far too much spare time.

We choose only those items that meet our rigorous standards for inclusion in the Gift Guide, specifically:
1. They do not cost a lot of money.
2. That’s pretty much it on the standards.

It is because of all this rigor that we are able to offer you our Quality Assurance Warranty of Guaranteed Assuredness, which states that if you purchase an item featured in this Gift Guide, and for any reason you are not completely satisfied with it, simply deposit it in any participating dumpster and walk briskly away. We will take it from there.”